A good friend has just had total pPROM at 17 weeks. It is her third pregnancy, and the longest one so far. It came out of her fifth IVF cycle. She is 42. She is single and has been using donor sperm, and of course dealing with all the challenges without a partner.
The baby still has a heartbeat but the prognosis is awful as she has no fluid, not even a little tiny bit, so there is no way for the baby's lungs to develop unless the fluid starts pooling again. And it seems the menbranes have just gone - they could not even see them on the scan. And she is leaking fluid. So it's close to over. And she has that nightmare decision of whether to wait it out or agree with the common sense answer that this baby can't survive. The longer she waits, the more likely it is that she'd have to go through labour to deliver the baby if s/he does not survive. And she's not sure if that would be easier - to be able to see the baby and say goodbye - or to have a termination now.
She has chosen to wait and see, barring any infection or fetal demise, for at least a week. Having reviewed a lot of material in the last few 24 hours, and even having had this conversation with Kay of blessed memory when Alexa's waters broke at about 23 weeks, I want to have some hope but I really don't.
All over the world, every minute, this kind of bloody awful situation is happening to someone. The usual litany of 'it's not fair,' 'you can try again,' 'I'm so sorry,' are haunting her ears, as they've haunted the ears of this community.
I am gutted for her and resorting to research as the only help I can provide - she has supportive family around her. I am remembering last weekend when I sent her home with a package of pregnancy books and my favourite matenity clothes, the ones I had hoped to give to my sister in law.
My sister-in-law who is not yet pregnant after a year of trying; and the docs refuse to intervene because her test results, and my brother's, are so good. But she is 37 and has a history of sub-fertility given she tried for 4 years in her previous marriage to get pregnant. I want to shout at them to get into treatment, but they won't. They are confident it will probably happen without treatment based on what the docs said. And it might. But it might not.
Sometimes standing and watching - watching a dreadful loss happen just when you thought things might be ok; watching a potential train wreck without any ability to make it better - is enough to drive me insane.
My thoughts are with your friend & her family....
Posted by: Bad Egg | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 00:49
My heart aches.
Posted by: moo | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 01:03
I know life isn't fair. But sometimes, I just wish it was more fair. I wish your friend could have had a long, uneventful pregnancy and I wish there is more that could be done for her and her baby.
And I hope your sister-in-law either gets pregnant soon or they come to a place where they are comfortable with seeking treatment sooner rather than later.
Posted by: Summer | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 04:51
Oh God. Sodding mother nature and her blasted obstetrics; absolutely red in tooth and claw. Poor girl, what an awful, shuddersome place to be making a decision from. Misery every way. GOD.
A good friend of mine, only a couple of years younger than me, is keen for kids but calmly delaying at least another couple of years. I feel like shaking her till her teeth rattle and bawling 'It's not a God-given RIGHT, you know! It's a bloody gift! And your eggs are AGEING, woman!' I don't want to see her struggle, but... sigh. Have to let people go their own way.
Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 10:43
oh that is horrible. I am so so sorry for your friend and what she is going through. I know how hard it is to go through treatments and infertility and loss when you are single and it fucking sucks. I am thankful that she has you as a friend.
I also don't get the waiting for treatment folks. If I could go back in a time machine I would smack myself up the head for going through IUI's 7-13. I mean SERIOUSLY. What the eff!
xo
Posted by: Calliope | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 13:37
Oh your poor friend. That is so awful. Just waiting and knowing the chances of things going right being vanishingly small. I feel for her.
I feel for your SIL too. I've given many my lecture about getting the hell on with it even before anyone says there is a real, identified problem. You don't get time back. But you can only say it once or possibly twice and then back off. I found myself advising an estate agent about fertility clincs the other day. She too was in the slightly oblivious circa 40 year old not conceiving but not insisting on treatment phase. I did feel like shaking her.
Posted by: Betty M | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 18:25
How sad for your friend, horribly sad. And such a difficult decision to have to make.
My SIL isn't moving on to treatment either, after quite a long time. I try to respect her choice, but I have a very hard time understanding it.
Posted by: Lut C | Monday, 16 May 2011 at 18:43
I am so sorry for her. I had this happen at 36 weeks with our first and 31 weeks with the twins. I have a feeling if I had another, my water would break early as well. It's very confusing as when I went in with the twins at 31 weeks, my cervix was completely closed.
Posted by: Heather | Thursday, 26 May 2011 at 19:30
Thalia, it was amazing to see you had posted again like years ago on my post. Well done, Mazeltov & Congrats on your two as well.
I've wanted for years to go back & update the post but life got in the way & then due to a work commitment (completely other random reason) I revisited the blog, spent hours to reconnect to it, discover old passwords etc & there I was completing the story...may write some more, it was after all such a fulfilling forum. How are you & your family? How's it all been going? Nicky
Posted by: NIcky | Monday, 30 May 2011 at 04:39
How wrenching. I'm so sad for your friend. It's awful to watch someone go through it and be completely unable to help them.
Posted by: PBfish | Tuesday, 31 May 2011 at 17:09
I'm so sorry.
I was at the pool today, my son in swim lessons, talking to the woman whose 3 kids were in there with him ... one my son's age, and twins 10 months younger than her oldest. She commented that she'd had 2 miscarriages before her oldest and that sometimes you don't get to choose (exactly when and how your kids come to you). And, yes. And of course, also, whether they get to exist, whether you get to hold them at all. I told her I didn't get to choose, either, that I had wanted two but feel very grateful to have even just the one. And I knew, as I would not once have or at least not in the same way, to tell her I was sorry to learn of her losses. It is so hard, and I've learned so much, but to borrow from Julie, I'm not sure it's worth it. And this is from the perspective of someone who made it to the other side -- I mean, it has all been worth it. But it could have been easier and been just as wonderful, and that's said from a good place, a wonderful place. Not the place your friend finds herself.
Posted by: Alexicographer | Wednesday, 08 June 2011 at 04:17
How awful! I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's situation. I don't really know what to say. It just sucks.
Posted by: Sara | Tuesday, 21 June 2011 at 17:59