About time

Long time, yadda yadda yadda. I didn't mean to leave that post up as the last one for so long, but life just is busy and my blogging muscle (along with many other muscles!) is out of shape.

First, I need to thank you so much for the sensitivity and thoughtfulness you put into the comments and emails on that last post. I really needed that prod to think through how I was really feeling, to continue the process that had been milling about in my head for months before I posted. It was a real signal of just how mixed up I was (am) that every comment, as they switched tack and made different points, meant something to me, and made me think differently about the situation.

Where have I ended up? Well, first, I have not 'ended' anywhere. This is an ongoing process of making our marriage work, or not, so I don't expect everything to be suddenly hunky dory. I did bring up some of what I wrote about, and we've had some productive discussions together. I need to do more on this. H is seeing a shrink, and he's finding that helpful to process some stuff which is going on for him and which he's never dealt with. We haven't yet decided to do couples counselling although I think it's a good suggestion.

One reflection after your comments was that I haven't been 'in love' very often in my life. And I wonder how much this is to do with my first very serious partnership, the guy I lived with for 3 years when we were doing our PhDs. It's a long story but the short version says he wanted to be gay, but was drawn into a relationship with me nonetheless. I fell quite heavily in love with him, but part way through the relationship he made it clear he did not see the relationship as long term, that he wanted to use the move we would both make for our post-docs as an ending. I had to force myself to fall out of love with him in an attempt to protect myself. It was really painful, and left me very angry. Although I had very strong 'lust' for the following three relationships, the ones before H, I don't think I fell in love again in the same way.

Yet I think I did fall in love with H. I remember just sitting and smiling at each other. Just feeling so happy because he was in the same room. And our first kiss, on our second date, was electric. We were passionate, but H's sexual issues have come in the way of that over the years.

I take my marriage vows very seriously (as does H). For better, for poorer, etc. We owe it to each other and to the children to do whatever we can to make this work. There is lots good. We have to figure out what we can do about the less good, and where that leaves us.

Comments

[Sami]

Marriage is tough... it's a lot of work and it's a lot of communication. I'm glad you both are committed to working on these issues. Hang in there and know we're all here for you :)

[Summer]

It's good to see you have set some things in motion to sort out your future with H. Just wanted to add that recently I read an article on the web (sorry can't remember from where) that said the happiest marriages were those in which the partners nurtured each other's personal growth. I found that really hit home because although I felt a lot of lust at the beginning of my relationship with Mr. W, it's something that hasn't been around for years and years for either of us. Him mostly because of his age and me, well, all I can say is that maybe it's my old ovaries. Anyway, what struck me was that I still felt very content in my relationship with him and often wondered if I should have more lust and passion for him. But, what he does do for me is continually support me and my growth and reading that article I realized that it was a huge reason why I am still quite happy in our relationship.

So, just another thing for you to ponder about in your relationship with H. Do you find that he nurtures your personal growth in whatever area that might be right now?

[Bea]

This sounds like positive steps moving forwards - as well as realistic expectations. Will be wishing you the best through this, and meantime, don't worry about a lack of updates - you have important other things on your plate!

Bea

[Sara]

I'm glad to hear that you are actively taking charge of trying to make things work. I really think that's the key to a happy marriage. I am still pretty lusty after Mystery, but there are still moments when I have to remind myself about that. The everyday annoyances involved in dealing with any other human, even one of whom you are really fond, takes a toll, and a marriage requires constant reinforcement. Good luck with yours.

[LutC]

I'm glad to hear you're making progress and working on your marriage together. That's worth a whole lot.

[Betty M]

This does sound a lot more positive than your last post. I think sometimes we get so tied up with just getting through the mechanics of life with jobs, kids, housework, family that we forget that relationships need working on and individuals need time to work on themselves too. Making time to do that reaps dividends I think whatever the final result. Wishing you well in this endeavour.

[DinoD]

I want to know where the "easy" is. You know, that big button that makes everything okay and not much work.
I always think that everyone else must know where it is (except me) but I guess that's just my ignorance.
Wouldn't it be nice just to be given the answers once in a while?
Sorry, this is rather a downer, isn't it?
DinoD

[T]

I'm glad there's lots of good - that's a powerful foundation. Thinking of you.