Letter to my daughter

Dearest Pob

I came downstairs after my early phone call this morning to find you playing with Uncle R. You were having such a lovely time together, and he was delighted to get to see you after a few months' absence. Thank you for making him feel so welcome. You are the child I always wanted - and so much more. So much more complicated, so much more intense, so much more delightful than it was possible for me to imagine before you arrived.

I've been worried, ever since it looked like this baby sibling was going to stick around, of the effect he or she would have on you. If Sib would disrupt the lovely relationships that your daddy and I have with you. That you'd feel that we didn't love you enough, that we needed something more than you. We really really don't. I wanted you to have a sibling because I wanted you to have what I have now - two lovely brothers who share a lot of my history, who love me and frustrate me in almost equal measure, who I know will always be there for me. Your Daddy feels the same way about his brother. I don't want you to feel alone in the world, alone against unreasonable parents when you are a teenager, alone at the (hopefully long-distant) point where won't be around any more for you.

We really weren't sure a sibling was going to happen for you. It took such a long time before you arrived. But here is this potential sibling, still growing, kicking Mummy from the inside on a regular basis. On Friday, at our Gymboree class, your friend A's tiny baby sister, I, was there. You went up to her carefully, patted her face, and said "Baby!" And everyone cooed at you. You know what babies are, I wonder if you know what having one in your own house will be like.

But there was a specific part of giving you a sibling that I realise now I was very invested in. That was to give you a sister. I haven't got a sister, and despite my now very strong relationship with my brothers, I have always really really wanted one, jealous of the relationships I see my friends have with their sisters. My mother got pregnant again just after my little brother was born, and she had a termination as she felt our family couldn't cope with another baby. She told me this when I was a teenager, and I understood, although I also saw her regret and my father's regret. They both thought they were doing the right thing for the other, while both secretly wanting this fourth baby to arrive anyway. My mother told me she has dreamt about this potential baby ever since. A little girl, the sister I always wanted, although she would have been seven years younger than me. Blonde, like my middle brother, to proove to him he wasn't adopted, his secret fear based on being the only blue eyed blond in a family with dark hair and mostly dark eyes. 

So maybe I might have had a sister, in another reality. And I thought, perhaps you could have a sister, give you that very very close sibling I wanted. Because my brothers, close as I am to them now, were not easy relationships when we were younger. My 2-year-9-month-old self was desparately disturbed by the arrival of this invader baby, or so I'm told. I don't remember much about it, except for throwing my panda out of the car window on the way home from meeting the baby at the hospital, after my mother had told me (with very good intentions) that the baby didn't want my panda, he was mine. I thought "well, if the panda's not good enough for the baby, I don't want him." So I threw Panda out of the window, and my father, furious, pulled the car over, stomped down the street to pick up the panda, and threw him back through the window at me. It wasn't a good day.

I do remember constant frustration as we grew up. Me, the good girl, always helping clear the table, do the dishes, do my homework, and those boys, noisy, rough, breaking enough things when they cleared the table that they weren't asked to do it again. Banding together as soon as the little one was old enough, to make bigger noises, make fun of me and my friends, beat me in tennis and football so often that I just stopped trying to play sport, and got pudgy and shy.

So although things between us are good now, I wanted a closer sibling relationship for you. One that wouldn't take so much fixing as young adults. 

I didn't realise how much I wanted this, until the sonographer zoomed in on the gap inbetween your little sibling's legs, and said "There you go, what's that!?" And your baby sibling, my lovely, is a boy. And I cried and cried, despite having just been told that the baby is perfect in every way.

I felt so awfully embarassed at the crying. This clinic is one where people go when they have serious problems with their pregnancy. And my pregnancy is fine, my baby is fine. But he's a boy, and I had to let go of all those futures I'd imagined for you and your little sister, the images of her wearing some of those little dresses you've grown out of, the thought of you having a female ally against all those hordes of boy cousins you have.

That was a few days ago. I'm getting used to the idea of a boy. I've started to test out little sentences about my son. I've ordered a book that might help me continue to understand what I'm feeling, although I'm feeling it less and less as the days go by, as I feel him kicking me. I'm hoping we can help you have a great sibling relationship, maybe do better than my parents did with me. Maybe. And we are certainly committed not to getting you to play the role I had to play in my family as the responsible, good, quiet and helpful one.

Daddy and I have started to think again about boy's names - Daddy was convinced that your sibling was another girl. We haven't told our families yet. We want to share our excitement with them when we do, since we know both grandmothers will have moments of a little sadness at a reduction in their abilities to buy pink clothes. But I know that will be transient, and then they'll get on with loving him, as we all will. As I especially hope you will, when all that disruption in your life has started to seem normal again.

This morning when you were playing with your baby doll, I said to you that you might have a baby brother in the house to play with by next year. You repeated "baby bother" and went on playing. I hope not, sweetie. I hope not.

Comments

[Lisa Later]

see now, as one of three girls, i always wanted a brother but i do understand the dashing of expectations thing nonetheless

when we found out our ivf had worked and that it was twins, i think i would have said two girls was my ideal scenario (but mainly because i only *know* girls as siblings) but now i love having a girl and a boy...i love charting their differences and their development (soooo much more nature than nurture as it turns out) and i love being the mother of a boy

i love boys for being so much more uncomplicated human beings (i mean that in a good way!)

and pob will love her brother too...

[Meredith]

Although our reasons were different, I really wanted a girl when I was pregnant the first time. (And, having suffered through many years of infertility, I did feel somewhat guilty for even having such a strong preference. But I did, and there's no arguing with feelings.) When I actually had my boy, though, my mind changed 100%. It was no longer about my preconceived ideas of what it would be to have a son. Now life was about having Finn-- this son, this individual. He is such an amazing little person-- so sweet, and funny, and interesting.

The second time around, I realized that I had absolutely no preference for gender. I still wanted a girl because I love tiny pink clothes and I wanted a daughter. But I still wanted a boy too because I am the mother of a boy and I could no longer imagine anything else. When we found out it was a boy, I was overjoyed. (I would have been overjoyed with a girl too-- nice this time around not to care!) I don't write this to try to make you feel bad about your preference or crying or anything. Although our experiences both growing up and with motherhood are different, I can understand where you are coming from with the preference. But I do want to say that my experience was that my strong preference was only that before I met my little one. Once I knew the person that he is, I couldn't want anything else. As for Pob, whatever the gender, you just never know how siblings are going to get along. I know sisters who hate each other, and brothers and sisters who have incredibly close, sweet relationships. May yours develop the latter!

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Oh Pob! A little brother! How very exciting!

Having siblings has its advantages. Maison Hairy woke up to find themselves a grandparent short this morning, and I couldn't help thinking that the 5 children Granny B had must be finding consolation among themselves. When my parents eventually fall sick and die, I shall be utterly alone with it.

I do hope that Harry will one day have a sibling, for just the reasons you describe. And yes, I would absolutely love a baby girl! But I am fully expecting that, should I be lucky enough to A) conceive and B)carry sufficiently close to term, that I would have another boy.

I'm sure you - and the family! - will find the limited range of blue and brown clothing (to qualify: limited compared to the Pink section, at any rate) annoying. I also expect that the first fountaining shower of pee may take you by surprise! But I am equally sure that very, very soon, you wouldn't change him for a girl even if you could wave a magic gender wand. But I'm teling you things you already know.

Boys rock!

[Sami]

Congratulations Pob on your soon to be baby brother. Congratulations Thalia! I'm glad to hear everything was perfect. I can understand the nostalgia for what would have been, but I'm glad to hear you're embracing what will be. I think I'd feel the same way, but more a brother for my boy rather than a sister for my daughter.

[Rachel Inbar]

I think my sister felt exactly the same way and I think she still feels sad that her daughter doesn't have a sister, though she has a lot of cousins.

My sister is 9 years younger than I am and I really drove my parents crazy until they agreed to have another. I'm pretty close with my 3 brothers too, so I didn't really feel that way about my (first) daughter.

I bet they'll be a great duo :-)

[Carbon]

I feel you. I always wanted a sister. I have a brother, five years younger. Our relationship is just fine, but it will never be sisterly of course. I hoped maybe someday my brother would marry me a sister. Alas, his wife is the picture of aloof.

I don't know what I'm having yet, but chances are he or she will not have a baby sister unless we choose to adopt. But, having a loving family is far more important than the exact shape that family takes.

[sarah]

i completely understand.

[motel manager]

I was kind of hoping for the opposite -- a girl to give my boy since I have a brother. But we have two boys, and it's amazing how I already couldn't imagine it any other way even just a few weeks after learning the news from my CVS. I am a little sad I wasn't destined to have a girl at all, but maybe I will feel happy starting around age 10. :)

Congratulations that everything looks good!

[Melissa]

I had a daughter first and was also nervous about having a son. I have a brother and although we played together as kids, we're not close now. I also felt like I wouldn't know what to do with a boy, plus I thought boy clothes were ugly! But my son has been such a wonderful surprise. Once he arrived, I couldn't imagine life without him, and I can't even say how much he delights me every day. Plus, he and his sister get along great. Now I'm really happy I'm getting the chance to parent a daughter as well as a son

[AllAngela]

Congratulations to you. I had a feeling this baby was a boy. I have an 18-month-old daughter and part of me really wanted to give her a sister (my younger sister and I are 20 months apart), but I always felt that our delivery surprise was a baby boy. We now have a three-week-old son and our daughter is slowly warming up to having this little person around. She's not jealous at all and gives him all of her toys when he cries, even her favorite ones. I hope they grow up to be the best of friends. Being a big sister is amazing and empowering if younger siblings are boys or girls.

[Tinker]

I'm the only daughter of three children and the eldest to boot, so have great empathy for your situation with your brothers and your hope for Pob to have a sister. I too, longed for a sister, but think my longing stemmed strongly from the fact that I saw my brothers together on a daily basis and felt like I was missing out. I've imagined only having one brother (the one two years my junior) and think I wouldn't have felt the same about a sister if it had been just the two of us.

[perceval]

Well, I wanted a sister for my DD too, but it was more in a spirit of celebrating femininity - when DD was born, I finally made peace with my gender so I was all psyched up for another girl. Then the sonographer showed us his boy bits - the boy I had always longed for right until I fell pg with DD.

However, gender doesn't determine everything. Our pink princess loves trains, dinosaurs and rough play. Our little man loves everything musical, like his sister, and plays with dolls and his sister's toy iron. Both are cuddlebugs and very affectionate.

Let your son surprise you.

[katty]

I really, really wanted boys. ALl my life I wanted boys. I could only really imagine myself with boys. I couldn't think what I'd do with girls. I thought girls wouldn't love me. That boys would always be there for me. My best friend said she'd always imagined me with boys. And all my single friends have a boy.
At my sixteen week scan the sonographer volunteered one boy. At my twenty week scan I was told he'd got it wrong - it was two girls. Not one, but two. How was I going to manage.
Now I can't imagine anything else. They are who they are. I can't want anything else or hope for anything else or wish or desire anything else because now they are here they are who they are and who they are are who they love with all my heart.
Incidentally,and also, I have a brother five years younger (and we are a family of two siblings). We are very close - and I was always the rebel, he was always the quiet one. Just this afternoon we had lunch together with our two families; I moved close to him so our children (five in all) could grow up together.
But you know all this.
I'm so glad the baby is well.
Kx

[Country Chick]

I think Tinker is very likely right - one brother is better than two! And I know you will be surprised and delighted with your boy - and so will Pob, I'm sure.
Congratulations on getting this far with a healthy baby in there. Fantastic news.

[becky]

oh thalia, i was so glad to read this and know i am not the only person to have this reaction. i am 26 weeks pregnant with my second child, my first being a daughter. i always wanted a sister (despite having a lovely brother whom i am very close to) and wanted one for my daughter so much. when i was told i was having a boy i too wailed and even told by poor (delighted and bemused) husband that i didn't want it. i didn't realise who much i had been assuming i was having another lovely daughter. i am terribly ashamed of this behaviour, i know how desperately so many people are to be in my situation, but i just couldn't help my feelings. i am coming to terms with it and know that when he arrives he will be a wonder and an amazement and i will love him like mad but it h as definitely been a big mental adjustment.

[Lutcass]

Good to hear the u/s went well.

I'm not blessed nor burdened by distinct preferences for a boy or girl sibling. But without having been there, I do know about having to let go of dreams and adjust, even if other dreams are there to follow.

[Sara]

I only had a sister and always longed for a brother. I think the grass is always greener. Not having opposite-sex siblings makes the other sex a bit more of a mystery, which I think is a disadvantage as a teenager! I am also much closer to my sister as an adult than we were as kids. I think Pob will be fine.

I can understand your feelings, though. I look at the Egg's cute little baby clothes and realize that I might feel quite wistful if I can't use theme again. It's funny how these feelings creep up on us when we least expect them.

[Alex]

I have a son and would love also to have a daughter. I've realized if I'm lucky enough to get to where you are, I'll probably want to find out the baby's sex, prenatally, again so that if I'm having another son I'll have time to wrap my head around that idea. And it's not that I don't love being a mother to a boy, I just think one of each would be nice.

So ... we all have different dreams, and I'm sorry if re-envisioning yours is causing you distress but I hope and trust your son will bring you and his sister much joy.

[Kate]

I don't have much to add other than I really enjoyed reading this. I can identify with your love for your daughter and the feelings you have.

[angela]

I often feel that you and I are living parallel lives on opposite sides of the ocean. After my own long battle with infertility, I had my daughter about 6 weeks before Pob was born, and am now expecting another (go figure!) a few weeks after you. We found out on Friday that this one is a boy and I'm having a hard time embracing that. I haven't admitted it to anyone, but I really wanted another girl. Not so much for my daughter to have a sister, but for more selfish reasons. I am so amazed by my little girl, and I just wanted to have another one just. like. her. As everyone has already said, I'm sure once my little boy is here I will fall in love with him too, but for now I just need a little time to adjust.

[Clover]

Congratulations on having a boy! I'm glad to hear that he's healthy and that all is going well. That being said, your feelings are so very normal.

[Summer]

It's normal to hope for things to be better for your child than they were for you and to be sad to think that maybe they won't be. And it's also hard to let go of dreams and hopes, especially those that concern your child.

I remember with Pob, you first thought she was going to be a boy and when you found out she was a she, you had to let go of the vision of the future you would have with your first child. It wasn't easy, and there was sadness then, too, but eventually it was replaced with a different vision of the future. Not better just different. I'm sure you already know this in your head but I think in time you will feel in your heart all the positive things that a brother for Pob can bring.

It's so wonderful to hear that Pob's baby brother is perfect. Congratulations!

[Leah]

My brother and I were extremely close growing up. Even though he was 21 months younger than me, he was always the protector if anyone was picking on me. We had so many fun adventures together. He is still my protector all these years later.

[Somewhat ordinary]

Congrats on a son! As the mommy of a boy I can tell you they do adore their mommies.

I almost cried at my ultrasound when I learned I was having a boy. I only have a brother and longed for a sister my whole life. I also always pictured myself with a girl first since I was a first-born girl and having to let go of that dream was hard. I worked so hard for a child and I really didn't wish for one sex over the other, but I just always figured it would be a girl.

You get one of each though and that is pretty cool!

[beagle]

Every set of siblings will work out their own dynamics. I hope POB and SIB will have something wonderful!

[May]

This is why I am spending so much time now telling myself over and over I don't care at all if I get a boy or a girl if I ever get pregnant again, or, miracle of miracles, pregnant AGAIN again, because I have always dreamed of having one of each, because I always got on better with my brothers than my sisters. Families, eh? All so unbelievably different. I am making myself let go of that picture now, so I don't have to let it go, feeling guilty for having it in the first place, should I finally get a child at all.

But I know I will still feel a little pang. I just know ME.

I hope Pob has the same relationship with Sib that my cousin has with her little brother. They are teenagers now and they STILL adore each other. They even say please and thank you to each other. It's beautiful.

[thalia]

Test

[Aurelia]

As a mom of three boys, I get it. They are lovely, but disconcerting because boys really are very different than girls. They might be close or not, and I would bet that no way will they be close as teens and young adults...but as young kids they will, and as grown adults, for sure.

So take heart, and learn a few sports rules, because even if you can't understand them, you can do what I do, and support them in their crazy endeavours.

(And as for the chores, you have the power to change that pattern, my dear! I make them do traditional female home stuff, even if they are boys!)

[rockmama]

This post actually made me cry because it sums up so nicely the same feelings I've been having about this potential new sibling for the Prawn.

I feel precisely the same about the sex as well; I have a lovely idea of the close bond that a sister would have with the Prawncess and will have to rearrange this delightful vision of female bonding should potential sibling prove to be a card carrying member of the Dong Brigade.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

I luuuv your blog. You always make me think more deeply. :) About the sister/brother thing and the new generation... I had and still have a wretched relationship with my brother (my only sibling), so I sympathize with what you went through. However, it sounds like your problems with your brothers may have been largely a result of your parents' expectations for all of you (and what they allowed the boys to get away with!) and if so, that is certainly correctable in this generation. Also, as you know, I had twin boys, and so I was suddenly inundated with little boys -- when I had spent a lot of my life thinking little boys were demons from hell. I have found that having our amazing little guys and loving them so much has healed a lot of my old wounds. You may find that this sister/brother duo in your household heals some of your old wounds as well. :)

[Bea]

Well, let's hope Pob very much enjoys having a little brother - at all ages of the game.

Bea

[spinarella]

Oh, Thalia, congrats!!! I so relate to your longing for a sister; I also have one brother, 2 3/4 years younger, and always wished for the closeness that my friends shared with their sisters. But I think that boys who have sisters make better men in some ways - women aren't such a mystery to them.

[Nikole]

I can really understand what you are feeling. Rockmama's comment made me laugh out loud! Congrats on the good news. Thinking of you lots.