« 42 years ago today | Main | Words Pob can say »

Tuesday, 20 January 2009


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.


enjoy those comfy pants. i'm still wearing mine!

totally relate on the identity issue. i'm having a very weird time with being a mother and an ART patient at once; those things just always seemed to be worlds apart for me. all my defenses against cycling were built around being childless, and now i'm going back into it with a heart opened up by babylove. rather scary.

Emma B

I have three children under 2.5, and people now tend to assume the third wasn't planned. It's very different from after the girls, when even random strangers often asked if they were infertility babies because of the twin thing.

Your identity will shift, I think -- at least, mine has. The scars don't go away, but it's no longer a daily thing when your family is complete, and when your world focuses more on toddlers and preschoolers than on pregnancies and babies.


OK, I'm not sure how this new sign-in works, but I guess at one level (as with people who have adopted two children close in age) it's none of their business, but you could always drop in something that kind of trails off like "at my age you don't want to wait..."

(this is Dr Spouse by the way as it won't let me sign in with my Blogger username)


Okay, your sign-in is umm, odd? Like Dr.Spouse this might not look like my signature.

Anyway, Aurelia here, and I just wanted to say that, yes, people do look at you like you are "normal" and you will not match their idea of what an infertile is, but you can find ways of letting people know what they need to know.

Like when people ask if Julius was planned because he came along so much later, I silently think, "you rude tithead", then out loud say, "Well, he was unexpected, but he was the long hoped for miracle baby. We're just so incredibly happy he made it!" And if they take the bait, fine, and if not, they can just say, "Oh, how nice."

So for you, just think up a line like that!


While pregnant with my daughter (after 7 miscarriages) I never knew how to answer the question "is this your first?". I felt that to say "yes" was betraying the memory of the ones I lost, but to say "no, it's my 8th, but the others didn't survive", made people very uncomfortable and stammer "oh..." and back away. It always felt like I was sharing too much information. I also had a hard time relating to other pregnant women. I didn't feel that I shared the same experience. I don't think the wounds of IF ever completely heal, but most people I encounter think that having a child should just erase all the bad memories. I love my daughter and I am so grateful for her, but having her doesn't make me think about the others any less.

Betty M

Glad things are all well with Sib.
My IF has always been between me, the husband and the internet plus one RL friend so my infertility scars have always been well hidden. They have lessened but they are still there - it is like a grief reaction in a way. It ebbs and flows with time and circumstance. By contrast I have always been upfront about the miscarriages and difficult pregnancies.
I have given up reacting to people's silly comments. All the jokes about how given L and Z's birthdays are a week apart on the calendar how there must be some special date in February. I still get asked about having more - I just bat that off with an "I'm way too old" but it gives me a pang.


You mean... if my H and I got rid of the wide-screen TV we'd...


Somebody at work asked me a couple of months ago if I had kids, and when I said 'no' chuckled and said 'very wise.' I suddenly had to go to the loo and stay there for a good twenty minutes.

I am delighted everything has gone well so far. Long may it continue.

Hairy Farmer Family

The trusty doppler indeed! I went through three tubes of gel with Harry. So pleased that things are going well for you.

I was thinking about the whole post-children IF self-labelling issue earlier today. I can personally only lay claim to subfertility, as my repro system did eventually do the deed without interference. But that's not to say that it will ever again, of course. I'm not sure at what point of trying for number 2 I can go back to calling myself a good old infertile.


I am not even acknowledging this pregnancy yet and I am already busting out of my shorts (summer weather over here). I am going to rummage through for some loose stuff to wear after writing this.

Good to hear things are going well with you Thalia - it is all good!

I got asked by the blood nurse today if this is my first pregnancy. I told her no, this is my third. But it feels really weird saying that to her and it seems I needn't be in their space (the fertility clinic which my doctor operates) or use their services. Even if it was just a blood test. But I did. I really did and for many years I was there. Infertility has given me a lot of baggage, and reflects on my parenting and how I see myself and others.


Glad things are going well for you. People tend to assume that the twins were unexpected and oh jeez, I bet you never expected that. And it does become a bit too much info to volunteer, no, I knew it might be part of the cards someday. But you are right, it is weird, particularly when I've had several people ask me how I'm doing "with all those kids." Like I have 15 or something, instead of 3.


Poor May up there!^^ I was at a cocktail party once and someone said almost the exact same thing to me when I said we had no children. I think it was, "You're lucky!" and I actually responded with, "Well, actually we just found out that the third IVF didn't work today so, no, I don't think I would consider myself very lucky." Of course the woman was HORRIFIED and apologized all over the place. More importantly, however, I am thinking she learned never to say anything like that again and send some other poor soul to the loo.

A TV indeed....


Yeah ... if you can stand it and find a way to do it I'm all in favor of letting people know, actually, as an educational thing. I don't tell absolutely everyone that #1 is an IVF baby and I'll be phenomenally lucky ... no, beyond phenomenally ... if there ever is a #2, but (again, if you can stand it), something like, "Well, we waited a long, long time for our first child and are very grateful to be expecting another," or, once Sib is here, "We feel very fortunate, as we struggled to have children for many years," or something like that might be a good reminder/educator for some folks...


Hi, I'm reading your blog for the first time. After skimming through it, I'm so happy for you to have made it to 16 weeks. I had a hard time staying "cautiously optimistic" with my own high-risk pregnancy; it seemed I was either elated or panic-stricken, or still in disbelief that I was even pregnant (for all 27 weeks)-- the Zen-like acceptance of "what will be" was lost on me. So, I know it isn't as simple as saying, "hooray! 16 weeks!" but I can't help myself..... Really really happy for you.


I still wear my maternity "lounge" outfits, but I wear them as pajamas... and as recuperation clothes.

You'll be in full maternity-wear in no time. Congratulations on the 16 week mark.

I'm at a new site now... www.whatskinnyjeans.blogspot.com

Nikole Sarvay

So glad things are going well with Sib. Thinking of you.


Yeah, I know - it's hard to throw it into a conversation without having to get all serious all of a sudden, and bleh. And this, I guess, is how it gets forgotten in society.


The comments to this entry are closed.

September 2011

Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
        1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30  
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported