Thalia's fertility journey

Words Pob can say

My mother has dug out the book she kept during my second year. It's quite entertaining noting both our different parenting styles, as well as where I was at developmentally. Turns out my parents had almost no rules for me, so my mother described me as a tiny tyrant, screaming loudly to get whatever I wanted. She resorted to drugging me to get me to sleep because she was so exhausted by the time I was 13 months - with Phernergan, nothing dreadful - but still.

This prompted H, my mother and I to try to make a list of all the words Pob is saying. Turns out Pob and I were/are quite similar in our language acquisition. We had/have a similar number of words in our vocabulary at 16 months, although only about 50% of the words are the same. We came up with this list for Pob:

Daddy
Mama
Baby
[nanny's name]
Pat
Me
Teddy
Bunny
Bird
Book
Da (dummy)
Dat (that)
Trees
Pen
Bye
Hello
Hair
Eyes
Ear
Nose
Arm
Teeth
Head
Bath
Splash
Bubbles
Poo
Shoes
Socks
Button
Poppers
Coat
Tights
Highchair
Bib
Chair
Up
Down
Downstairs
Carry
Hiding
Backwards
Hat
On
Off
Gone
More
Open
Yes
No
Hot
Cold
Spoon
Bottle
Plate
Apple
Cheese
Toast
Pear
Teletubby
Po (one of the teletubbies)
Block
Toys
Light
Train
Car
House
Back
Door
Home
Park
Ball
Cat
Dog
Bear
Fish (mouth opens and closes)
Woof
Meow
Baa
Neigh
Moo
Oink
Please
Ta (thanks)
Spot (as in the dog in the book)
Mog (as in the cat in the book)
Rosie (as in the chicken in the book)
Stars
[my younger brother's name]

I'd say about 50% of these are intelligible to anyone listening, the rest probably just to H, my mother, the nanny, and me. Obviously many are not spoken as written - e.g., some of the animal noises often seem to start with "ah" - so she says - "Ah-Moo", "Ah-neigh" etc. She also speaks more to those she knows, she's unlikely to say much directly to strangers other than "bye," and possibly some of her favourite words like "chair" and "dog." She's also at the stage where she repeats most things we say to her, but then doesn't necessarily retain the word to use again later. She had a go at "dinosaur" last week but she hasn't again. Some words are hard to say. She had a good go at "obama" this morning but only got as far as 'Aba."

In my vocab at 16 months were a few words Pob has no idea of including Smarties, Sweeties and Chocolate. Seems my parents had resorted to bribery early.

15w6d

Well, so far so good. I'm pregnant. I'm wearing maternity trousers, mostly, although still in normal tops and jackets and dresses. Until last weekend I was wearing pre-pregnancy jeans although the ones with stretch only. I regularly check Sib with the doppler, and can find the heartbeat every time, although Sib seems to move around quite a lot and not be mad keen on being measured. I saw my OB 10 days ago, and he doesn't want to see me again until 20 weeks unless I need reassurance. But since I have my trusty doppler there isn't much point in that. I haven't even booked the 20 week scan yet. Not sure why.

Often I forget I'm pregnant. And then I suddenly feel ravenous and remember. And eat something, anything, just to get rid of the feeling. In the middle of a cold snap, I've been craving salads. The crunch and the clean taste have been all I've really wanted to eat. Until H cooked a big pot of a Nigel Slater bean dish with coconut milk, spices and lime juice last night and I wolfed down two portions. It was delicious, but there again, there's that citrus-y clean taste. I don't remember this particular need when I was pregnant with Pob, it seems to be specific to this pregnancy.

I nearly wrote 'to this baby' but then I stopped myself.

I've told the powers that be at work that I'm pregnant. Mostly people have been delighted for us, it's just the local big guy who was distinctly ambivalent. Since he doesn't have much to do with how I'm evaluated that's probably fine and I probably just caught him at a bad moment, but given he knows some of our back story I was a little disappointed. Perhaps I'm just no longer the high flier I was and therefore less interesting to him. Either way, I was glad that straight after the conversation with him I had a great session with another senior colleague who offered me a bunch of very practical advice on how to manage this leave, and was thrilled for us, which made me feel less concerned about my professional future - or rather, just as concerned, but with a good sense of how to manage it.

One of those funny-ha-ha but not really moments happened the weekend before my birthday. H organised for us to go away to a fancy hotel for the weekend, while his parents looked after Pob. Really, given I'm working full time, I'm not that keen on leaving Pob, but he organised it as a surprise so I said lovely thank you and threw myself into it. On the Saturday night we got chatting to a family who were sitting around after dinner near us. A family of two parents and one very sweet, incredibly well-behaved little boy, who was perhaps around 8 years old. We said our daughter was with her grandparents and the little boy solmenly berated us, saying: "you know they really like children here and you can order anything you like and they'll make it for you, your daughter should be here!" And I silently agreed with him. H then volunteered that we were expecting another baby (I have no idea why) and the father joked "you guys need to get a television!" We laughed and just continued to chat on other topics.

I was in a mellow enough mood that I didn't feel any need to correct his assumption that this was a lucky accident or a bit of silly planning on our part, to explain that we didn't have much choice in the timing, but it did raise for me, as it has done for many of you who've been lucky enough to come out of infertility with a 'normal' number of children, that probably people will no longer look at us and see the possibility that we struggled to get here. And it really will be a case of too much information if I try to explain that or add it into the conversation. Obviously in some situations I explain and I always volunteer the miscarriage thing in particular when it happens to friends or colleagues who don't already know it, but in social situations it just sometimes isn't appropriate. And that feels odd. It's been my life since 2004. Now that I'm part way to having two children, what is my future identity other than 'mother' 'professional' (which broadly does not come into the blogosphere), and perhaps 'wife'? I know we all know the scars of infertility will be there forever, although I also know that for me they have faded considerably over the last 16 months. But I'm not really infertile any more, am I? At least not in how the world sees me.

Let's see. We'll not count any chickens or determine any future identities just yet. They will be emergent.

42 years ago today

My mum insists he was in there with her for most of the time, but at some point clearly he saw fit to put his feet up and read the paper...

It's been a good day. Not a milestone birthday, but a happy one. Pob enjoyed unwrapping the presents. Some colleagues sent me some flowers. Most of my RL friends (ALL my RL friends actually) forgot, but lots of you on facebook remembered (or were reminded) so thank you for that. I do love it when people remember my birthday!

Now I'm off to eat cake.