Holiday family entertainment

We've just returned from a Chanukah party day at my mother's house. It was good and bad. Good in that we got to see my brothers, one sister-in-law and my three nephews, and eat nice food and be together. Bad in that one brother went off into the deep end after a remark I made which pushed a button for him. It wasn't an offensive remark, and I immediately apologised, but he wasn't having any of it, and when I apologised again when he left, he had another go at me. It's left me incredibly tearful - weirdly so - and I'm trying to figure out why.

To understand this I have to give more family background than I have before. My family is not very Jewish for two reasons. The first is that my mother's mother's family came to England over 400 years ago, so they are very very anglicised and so my mother didn't grow up with many of the so-called traditions like many 'jewish' foods (actually often Ashkenazi foods) and didn't keep many cultural customs, although they did keep most of the religious ones like Friday nights, Synagogue, High Holy Days etc.

The second is that my father isn't Jewish, and given the drama my parents had when they wanted to get married, they gave up religion at that point - both of them - and brought us up to be nothing. When I was 7, though, I decided I was Jewish, and after that I would go to my grandmother's for each religious festival, did Jewish religious education at school, etc. So I'm the most practicing member of my family.

Previously my brothers haven't been interested in the Jewish side of our background, and neither of the mothers of my nephews have been Jewish, so it isn't a big part of their families. One brother has just started to get interested, so it was partly his encouragement that led us to have a Chanukah party while he was in London with his family this weekend.

The tension was that today is one of the most important football matches of the season for the team that my brothers, father, cousins etc all support. So the younger brother - who is single after a bad separation from my nephew's mother 2 years ago, and a bad break-up from the woman who looked like she was going to become our sister-in-law a few months ago - was very not thrilled at the idea of having a party today and hence missing the football match. He reached some kind of compromise with my mother that said he would go home to watch the game late in the afternoon, having recorded it so he didn't miss any.

Then at lunch today he started talking about leaving and taking the older brother and the two older nephews with him, at about 1530 - very early if we were going to get to the park, play dreidel, light the candles etc. They were discussing logistics and my sister-in-law and I raised eyebrows at each other and I said, lightheartedly - "Next year can we have a family get-together where there's no football or it can be recorded?" And as mentioned above, younger brother lost it, and had a little diatribe at me about how we could have showed up earlier since he'd been there 2 hours before us (we didn't know he'd got there so early, and were home cooking for the party and wrapping presents this morning, having also done so last night til gone midnight), how he is the only person who ever has to be flexible (also nonsense, he's decided he wants to go and spend Christmas Day and the few days afterwards with the older brother so we won't see him again til sometime in 2009, while we are left to spend Christmas Day with H's parents (without his brother and family as they are off to my other sister-in-laws' family) and Boxing Day with my mum and my mentally handicapped Aunt, which is fine, but much less fun than being with my brothers and their families), no one appreciates him etc.

It was all a bit unpleasant. I immdiately apologised and everyone glossed over it. Sometime during the afternoon the plan changed and older brother and family stayed to have tea, while younger brother went off alone, leaving his son to stay for tea - fine with nephew since he worships his older cousin. On his way out I caught younger brother to say goodbye as we won't see each other again, and I simply said I was sorry for having upset him, and I got another diatribe. This time I interrupted him and said I was just trying to apologise and I didn't want to row about it, just to say sorry, so he stopped, said sarcastically that everything was fine, and stalked off.

I am irrationally upset. Which is a combination of horrible tiredness from working like a dog since September without a break, having had several late nights this week due to combination of work and work socialising and cooking, and being up in the night due to Pob having yet another cold to go along with her constant cough. So tiredness is part of it. Sensitivity to general family tension is another part - I have always tried to be the family peace-maker and taken a lot of responsibility for that. Concern that my brother is clearly having a crappy time and is generally not happy is another. Concern that he's angry at me, which I always hate. And fury at the unfair judgement he's handing out. There are probably additional less savoury emotions underneath.

Anyway, in the grand scheme of holiday dramas it's not bad. But it upset me anyway.

Nuchal scan tomorrow. Think that had anything to do with it?

Comments

[Mary Scarlet]

This sounds so much like the fights I have with one of my brothers, and I always have such anguish about it even when he is being irrational. Sorry you have to deal with this. Love and good thoughts...

[Jen]

Sorry about the family drama. Happy Chanukah and best wishes for tomorrow's scan!

[Hetty Fauxvert]

Oh, gosh. Sorry about the family drama. If it's any consolation, I think *most* people (okay, wait, most women!) would be upset by a tiff like that. It just sucks to fight with someone you love, especially when you feel *you* didn't do anything wrong. If your bro is basically a nice person (which it sounds like he is), you'll probably get an apology from him sometime in the nearish future. In the meantime, do try to let it slide out of your memory banks as much as possible!

And "merde" to the nuchal scan! :)

[Amelie]

Sorry about the drama. It's so hard if everbody makes an effort for a nice family gathering and then the mood drops because of issues that should be minor, if you think about them rationally. We've had some here yesterday too, and the holidays are only just beginning...

[Betty M]

Best wishes for the appt today.

Sorry about the drama with your brother - sounds like he has a lot of stuff going on there himself which he is taking out on you. Family dramas are in my view the worst as they always come with so much shared history (or should that be baggage) and each perceived slight from way back can be quickly dredged up if the opportunity presents.

Hope you are getting a good break over the holidays as you deserve a rest.

[T]

Oh you left the most anxiety causing thing for last - ha ha! Good luck today - thinking of you (and potentially taking your advice!).

[PBfish]

Ah, the joy of family. I'm sorry your holiday celebration turned out that way. I hate that feeling of hashing over an unpleasant incident and feeling helpless to make it better and angry as well. I tend to dwell on things like that and I hate the feeling it gives me. And you can't even drink wine to make it better...
Good luck today. I'll be crossing my fingers for you!

[Flicka]

Good wishes for the nuchal scan today.

I don't think it's irrational to be upset by what happened. I get into stupid fights with my brother frequently when we are together (not that your row was stupid, just that mine are) and it always sends me to the bathroom in tears. It's because you love him and you want him to be okay. You're clearly sensetive to the fact that he's hurting and you did the right thing by trying to smooth things over. He'll come round and it will be okay again. I don't think any of his outburst really had to do with you.

[silene]

Thinking of you today. Sorry your Chanukah was soured by the row with your brother. I don't think you're being overly sensitive - I would be upset by an incident such as that, and it would have upset me GREATLY when I was pregnant, even if it hadn't been the day before a nuchal or somesuch. I hope the remainder of your Chanukah consists of bright candles and delicious food and presents and a happy and healthy Pob.

[May]

Family. Gah. I have this sort of row with my sister all the time, which is why I hate spending more than two hours with her in one go. And it never ever has anything to do with what was actually said, which is why apologies get brushed aside.

(We are doing nothing whatsoever for Chanukah this year, as the Jewish relations have corralled themselved Stateside for the forseeable. No, wait, tell a lie. I ate a doughnut).

[Aurelia]

Oh lord....well, relatives are the seventh level of hell IMO. So you have my complete sympathy!

And fight over religion are pretty awful. Although really, do you think something else is bugging him down deep? Like money woes? In this economy, I know we have received some sideways remarks from a few relatives because we are doing okay, and they are--well, not. We have tried to be kind, but that just kind of makes them madder, you know?

Anyway, take care, and I hope you tell about the nuchal very very soon!!! Am so excited for you!!

[Tinker]

I will suggest pregnancy hormones playing into your feelings too. I will cry at the most pathetic movie of the week with little provocation and it only happens while pregnant.

[NotAJewishMother]

If your mother is Jewish then ALL your sibs are Jewish. They can't choose to be Jewish or not, they are, by accident of birth!