%$£@$%£

Well, I was going to write a post about economic melt-down and goodness me how the US senate needs to pass a that bailout bill, or I was going to write a thoughtful post about secondary infertility, but then I got my period this afternoon, so now I'm just going to write a pissed-off sad post about how much I fucking hate doing this trying to get pregnant thing again. Consider yourselves forewarned.

We've had seven tries at getting pregnant since I started ovulating again, including the IVF cycle. None of them have worked. And not surprising. I'm 41 and 3/4. I obviously wasn't Mrs Fertile to begin with. The endometriosis seems to be under control or gone but who knows if that's really true. It's not surprising. And it hurts a lot lot less than it did when we didn't have Pob. But it still hurts. Mostly it hurts on the day I get my period and the few days after, and the days when I have to make excuses with work. It hurts because somehow conceiving Pob made me feel invincible, that I had paid my dues and life would just go on from here, infertility remembered but not recurring.

But the dues are back and need to be paid again. I'm not one of those women whose infertility is cured by getting pregnant. I'm not an old lady miracle of fertility. I'm just a woman of a certain age whose fertility is crashing and whose chances of conception are vanishingly small each month.

That doesn't stop me hoping. I have a calendar written out at the back of my work notebook and every so often during the day I peruse it. I know the pattern of my period days. I know what 40 weeks from the start of each period would have been. I know my ovuation days and when it would be reasonable to pee on a home pregnancy test. I never get there because my period arrives beautifully, regularly, reliably and depressingly at 12 dpo pretty much without fail.

The hope is silly because every time I have been pregnant, I've known by about 8dpo. So if I don't have any signs by then, it's not our cycle. But each time I wake up on 12dpo and there's no blood, I hope. I look at my little black book and remind myself when 40 weeks would be. I day dream in the off moments during the day. And then sometime around tea time, I go to the loo. I wipe, and there is a pink smear. And I know its all over again.

Today hurt worse than the other recent periods. Because it's cumulative. Each month it feels less and less likely that we will get lucky again. Every month it hurts that bit more. And in this month, it brings us to the start of our fifth IVF cycle. I really don't want to do IVF again, but I really do want Pob to have a sibling. At the same time as I also struggle with the fact that I'm not spending as much time with her as I'd like, and having another baby wouldn't help that. But her having a sibling is what I think is right for her in the long run. I might have to revise that opinion in the end, but for now I'm sticking to it.

Sticking to it means injections again, injections and frustrating phone calls with the clinic, and scans and hopefully retrievals and embryos, and another week of sitting there, looking at my little black book, feeling worried that the potential baby would have a crap birthday (end of July, who's ever going to remember?), at the same time as knowing it won't work, and we'll be into 2009 and I'll be 42 and honestly why on earth are we still hoping. We got so lucky once. Others get lucky more than once, but increasingly I think once was all our luck in one go. It was wonderful wonderful luck and every day it gets better, but it made me greedy for more. I thought we'd get lucky again. Increasingly it looks like I was just that bit too optimistc.

Comments

[perceval]

Oh wow, just ... hugs.

[Amyesq]

I am so sorry. It really, really sucks.

[Kay/H]

You hit it right on the head that it's cumulative.

I'm still optimistic for you, friend. xx

[angelattanzio@hotmail]

Maybe for right now it's up to us to carry the torch of optimism for you.
I'm up for it! Anyone else?

[marie baguette]

I am pretty much at the same point: I just went through IVF #3, and I don't want to fight anymore. It is just too hard physically. This attempt hit me like a ton of bricks. I would like my son to have a sibling, but what if they don't get on well or keep fighting? Yes, a single child is not what I had in mind, but we are among the lucky ones

[Geohde]

It sucks, and it isn't fair. It just isn't.

I thought pregnancy would 'fix' me, but nope. ANd the thought of doing IVF again is not one I relish....

J

[Betty M]

I'm sorry. It is just crap that it is so hard.

I know I do the same thing myself every month so I have no assvice at all except I will keep being optimistic for you.

[Sparkle]

At exactly the same point.
Hard to explain without sounding like an ingrate isn't it?

[Sara]

I'm sorry. It sucks. I remember 7 months as being a particularly hard time the first time around (silly though that sounds). It had all started to build up by then, but I wasn't used to it yet. It actually got easier later. I hope you don't get to later, though. Good luck with IVF number 5.

[Sami]

This sucks... I'm sorry. My hope for you is luck to happen twice... it would be wonderful. Hang in there as you start your fifth IVF... We're here with you.

[sarah]

Sorry about the pink smear. May luck find you again soon.

[Girl Detective]

Hugs and love, and that really sucks. I'm so sorry that this is so hard. You're not greedy. It's not wrong to want what you want. You want a sib for Pob. Keep trying as long as you "want", but yeah, you're allowed to gripe. How else would you get the support you need on this arduous journey?

[another karen]

with the exception of the ivf cycles (my ovaries are so far gone and my fsh so off the charts we were flat turned down by 2 top u.s. specialists), i could have written this post. right down to getting my period on friday. my little one is just a couple of months older than Pob, conceieved naturally after we were told to give up hope. on the one hand, it seems so greedy to hope for a 2nd miracle. on the other hand, i look at her and i see the very definition of hope.

like you, the worst days for me are the day i get my period and the few days after. then, damn if that little bug of hope doesn't rear her ugly head again. and you are SO right about the whole cumulative thing. i never looked at it that way before, but its so true. its also true, though, thank god, that it no longer hurts as bad as it did in the days before her. nothing ever could.

still hoping for you. if i've learned anything from this ride, its that we just never know.

[Sue/ste]

I'm so sorry. Optimism is a b*tch. Almost as bad as hope.

I'm sorry it's so hard. And I'm hoping you will get lucky again -- no matter how it happens -- with Pob's little brother or sister, and soon.

[DinoD]

Please tell me that you don't think of me as "an old lady miracle of fertility".
Please?
DinoD

[Tinker]

I'm so sorry that it's all so depressingly difficult, but I'm with the hopers.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

I'm so sorry, Thalia. An unwanted period and a stolen bag officially sucks. Officially. I wish I could wave my magic fertility wand for you - and then do that peculiar little flourish at the end that makes all thieves' balls drop off and hit the floor with a wet slapping noise.

[nikole]

I'm hoping for you, my dear. Always hoping.

[Amanda]

so sorry Thalia, we are in similar boats at the moment, my daughter is just over 2 and im 42 next month and have been trying for another baby for the last year or so, I know the odds are less and less in my favour especially as before her I was told my chances of conceiving were less than 1% god knows what they must be now. Anyway just to say I did become pregnant again in July, with my 'old' eggs and altho it didn't work out im trying to look on it as a positive, at least S met E and that is a huge plus as far as im concerned. Hold on in there. Im hoping and praying for both of us and anyone else out there in same position. with all best wishes xx

[Summer]

To (badly) paraphrase one of my favorite Joss Whedon shows, when you can't hope, you try to be optimisitc. When you lose your optimism, you find someone who can be optimistic for you.

I'm still optimistic a sibling for Pob will come whether through IVF/FET or a second miracle.

And it seems I'm not the only one who feels that way.

[luolin]

I'm sorry. It seems like a lot of the people who got a miracle had to wait a long time, which is hard to contemplate in our 40s.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, for some reason Bloglines didn't let me know about these last two posts, so I'm coming here a bit late. I'm so sorry this is such a difficult time for you -- I think about you so often and hope that this month is your month. It would be so wonderful to have it happen for you again.

Are you switching clinics for this round?