4dp2dt: Other people's losses

Still feeling optimistic about this cycle. Let's see how long that lasts.

A friend of mine at work had a miscarriage yesterday at just past 13 weeks. She had been very cautious and told no one til after the 12 week scan. I spotted her at about 10 weeks and offered her a thought on clothes to wear to keep the pregnancy hidden longer since she was clearly nervous about people knowing. We had a good chat and I was delighted when she wrote to me 10 days ago to tell me about the good scan, about how excited she was and about her due date of 26 April.

Today I heard from another colleague that my friend had lost the baby. The day immediately greyed around me. I have no idea why this loss has affected me so but I've been on the verge of tears all day. I just wrote to my colleague to let her know I was thinking of her, and characteristically she wrote straight back to say thank you. Because it was past 12 weeks she went through a sort of labour and got to see her tiny, perfectly formed baby. She is cocooning with her husband right now. I don't know her very well (and remember, we are English) so I don't think there is anything else she would welcome from me right now but maybe I will send chocolate or something in a few days.

I want to do more, though, but I suspect that is  more about my needs than hers. I think part of my distress is the shock. She is young, they conceived first time, the 12 week scan showed everything was perfect. I just assumed all would be well for her. Miscarriages aren't that common, right? But they are, even for the supposedly fertile friends we struggle with. And perhaps every time we grieve for someone else, we feel our own losses again. My losses are minor compared to many of my friends' in this community, but perhaps we feel all those losses, just a little bit.

I'm so sorry, friend. I wish it hadn't happened. I hope it never happens again.

Comments

[Hairy Farmer Family]

On dear, that's just awful. I'm so very sorry for her and her husband. How distressing to have to undergo labour, too.

Also - 10 weeks?! Hawk-eye Thalia!

[serenitynowinfertile]

This happened recently to my sister-in-law, though not as late in her first trimester as your colleague. But I had a similar reaction; a contracting of my heart with empathy and sorrow.

I'm sorry for your friend.

(and as an aside, I'm weighing in with good luck wishes on this cycle as well, even if it is late. My bloglines hadn't been updating when you did.)

xx

[Summer]

I think what you said about feeling our own losses when we grieve for someone else is spot on. I am sorry for your colleague and hope that, should she need the support, she will reach out to you.

[Erin]

How very sad for your friend. I am sure she knows that you are there for her, and hope she will reach out and find you when she needs a shoulder.

[OvaGirl]

yes. and it seems to make the baggage of past years that little bit heavier. Chocolate sounds good. And I understand too how the news would affect you right now, but so far, so good, one step after another...

xx

[Bitter]

It is too bad about your friend. But I think I'm too mired in my own pain to feel anyone else's. That, plus I guess I am just a mean person then, because I'm so sick of every relative and family member forgetting about my dead children, I'm actually relieved and kind of glad when "other" so called normal fertile people miscarry. I actually wish even more people would have miscarriages so that my very real pain would be acknowledged instead of discounted. But I guess I'm not as kind as you! I'm just too bitter, which is what all my relatives believe anyway! I actually don't know a single relative or personal friend that's has a miscarriage (only my blog friends) so I guess that means my three miscarriages must be making up for all my relatives and friends' successful pregnancies! Lucky them! Unlucky me!!!!

[electriclady]

I'm so sorry for your friend. It's hard to know what to do when you're not very close to someone. I recently found out that two different women in my office had miscarriages over the summer, and I wanted to do or say something but couldn't find the right words.

[Flicka]

Your poor friend, to have been so cautious and then to have been blindsided just when she thought it was safe. I think you're right when you say that other losses highlight our own. I feel that way too.

I was a church tea the other day and after a few minutes of discussion realized that five out of the seven women at my table had miscarried. Four out of the five had miscarried more than once. It made me wonder what I really know about how common miscarriage is and think that perhaps it is just a vastly underreported phenomenon.

[annmarie]

I lost my pregnancy at 11 weeks after a slew of perfect scans and blood tests. Hearing of your friend's loss saddens me. It's a reminder that things may never be as perfect as they seem. I'm so very sorry for her. For all of us and our journeys.

[Carlynn]

I hate hearing about losses, I wish they never happened. And I hope your friend doesn't ever have to go through this again.

Hoping this cycle carries on going well. You're inspiration to me. Did you really do 4 IVFs? I feel drained after 2!

[katie]

Chocolate, yes, and this happened to a friend of mine between her first two and her third son, not a planned pregnancy really, she was on her own at home and saw everything, I cannot help but think this is a different kind of distressing.

[carrie]

Your poor friend. It is very tricky to know what to say or do. I think just knowing you understand and are there if she wishes to talk is comforting in itself.
I hope, in the future, she will be able to find some peace. She delivered her tiny baby, something I found too hard to do at 16 weeks and chose the surgical route, something I have deeply regretted ever since.
I know that it will be incredibly hard for her now, and I understand that these shocks can bring your own emotions to the surface so easily, it is frightening. I'm sure this is hightened even more right now as you are facing the scary end of a cycle. Hoping you continue to feel positive and, indeed, be positive.

[Kath]

Oh, dear Thalia, I am so sorry for your colleague. What a sad and crushing blow. To think she was "safe" and then... this. I agree, witnessing others' losses is really hard. Ever since I had my first miscarriage, that sort of news has hit me with tremendous force -- as if I had no internal separator any more.

I think about you so often, and send you my intense hopes.

[Betty M]

I'm sorry too. You are right though about feeling our own losses when it happens to someone else. At least that is how I feel.

Still optimistic here too for you.

[Helen]

I think it's always hard when someone we know and care about winds up in The Most Unhappy Club. It's always something we wish wouldn't happen to someone we care about.

I'm hoping for you and this cycle, babe.

[niobe]

I don't know how close you are to this woman, but when I lost my twins, my coworkers sent me cards and some tiny presents (fancy soaps, nice-smelling creams). It meant the world to me.

[Clover]

That's so sad. I think I always find later miscarriages much scarier because it seems like you can never really know when its okay to "relax and enjoy the pregnancy."
Thinking ++ thoughts for you.

[Amyesq]

What a horrible thing to have happen. I am so sorry for her. And even when, someday, she gets pregnant against, she won't have a moment's peace until that baby is out of her body.

[Country Chick]

Oh Thalia, I have been avoiding your blog because I didn't want to have to go through the 2ww with you - and just popped by today to check how things were.
I know we are English, and miscarriage is common, but PLEASE - let her know you care? Maybe a note with those chocolates? This is no time to be too English - I was SO grateful to the small number of people who actually had ANY clue what it meant to miscarry, and though here it seems like it is happening to everyone out IRL it really doesn't feel that way. My heart goes out to her.