On this day a year ago I spent the day making the most of the last day before everything changed. I got my hair and nails done. I wandered through one of London's quirkier shopping streets, and bought a few bits and bobs. Slippers for the hospital. A couple of pretty hand towels for our downstairs loo, anticipating a lot of visitors. Some soap, similarly. Toothpaste. Nipple cream. You wonder how I remember the inanities? I've been carrying the receipts in my wallet all year. In the change compartment, where I see them every day.
On this day a year ago I spent the late afternoon and evening baking and tidying. I made honey cakes, which need to rest before eating anyway, and put them up on top of the fridge, wrapped in foil, ready for visitors. I packed the baby's hospital bag. I packed mine. I made H pack his. I can't remember what we had for dinner, but I'm sure we ate something. I remember being up late, doing I don't know what. My mother told me to sleep while I could. I felt I was unlikely to sleep whether I went to bed or not.
On this day a year ago, Pob and I had yet to meet. We knew each other from a series of knocks and pulls and pushes, kicks and punches, strokes and conversations. But we'd never seen each other.
Tonight, I spent longer than usual rocking Pob after her last story. After I'd sung our few songs, she sang back to me a little, before lapsing back into silence. She squirmed a few times, squawked a few times, but mostly lay still in my arms, looking up at me, but her eyes fluttering shut from time to time. Dark eyes in the darkness. I whispered to her how I was feeling, how much I love her, how I didn't know this time a year ago what that would feel like. How I will always love her, even though she may not love me at times. As I lapsed into silence her eyes closed for a few seconds longer, and I decided it was time to put her down. I carried her over to her crib, laid her down, handed her her bunny and left the room.
I stood outside briefly to see if she'd settle. It all sounded good so I headed downstairs, but halfway down found I needed to sit down on the stairs, to pause for a moment to remember this time a year ago, walking down the stairs with her bag packed, ready to go to the hospital. Very unsure about what was to happen. Not knowing my daughter, still nervous that at the last minute she'd be taken away before I got to meet her. Not knowing what she was going to be like, what I was going to be like.
At 1407 the following day, that all changed.
Lovely post...I'm all choked up.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences with us. I consider it a privilege to read your blog.
Posted by: angela | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 00:07
A beautiful memory, two wonderful moments with your daughter. De-lurking to say thank you for sharing it.
Posted by: Sue | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 00:17
What a fantastic post. A year? Already? Really? Happy birthday Pob!
Posted by: MsPrufrock | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 00:38
Lovely. What a lucky girl Pob is. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: BrooklynGirl | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 00:46
Wow a year already??!!! It is amazing how life is so different in such a short period of time.
Posted by: MoMo | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 00:53
What a beautiful post! You've gone and made me all teary.
Happy 1st Birthday Pob! And congratulations Thalia for making it to this wonderful milestone.
Posted by: Lori | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:20
What a beautiful post to honor Pob's birthday. Thanks for sharing with all of us.
Posted by: Jamie | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:25
Truly gorgeous post.
xx
J
Posted by: Geohde | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:32
Aw, you made me teary with that one. What a lovely post. Happy Birthday, Pob!
Posted by: amanda | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:32
Oh, I'm crying! I can't believe it's been a year already. I am so unbelievably glad that you and Pob are making this journey together!
Posted by: Flicka | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:33
Wow-I can't believe it's been a year. What a wonderful memory and a beautiful year for you! Your struggle and happy ending are just so inspiring-thank you! Happy Birthday POB!
Posted by: filmgal30 | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:37
As I read this post, I cried more and more. I can't believe it's been a year.
Happy Birthday, Pob!
Posted by: Summer | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 01:51
What a lovely post. It's amazing how quickly our lives can change (for the good and bad really). It seems like only yesterday and yet it seems I have loved him for all my life. I am glad you took time to enjoy it, tonight and always.
Posted by: Krista | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 03:16
Happy Birthday Pob :) What a beautiful post to remember the day before you met your daughter...
Posted by: Sami | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 03:16
I can't believe it has been a whole year. Happy Birthday, Pob.
Posted by: My Reality | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 03:28
Happy birthday to your dear girl, and what a lovely observance.
Posted by: Jen | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 03:38
Happy Pob-day. Beautiful post Thalia xxx
Posted by: OvaGirl | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 07:24
How can it be a year already??? I can't believe it. What a sweet and lovely post. Happy birthday, little girl.. how lucky you are to have a momma who fully recognizes the wonder of your being.
-D.
Posted by: Dramalish | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 07:35
beautiful. enjoy her 1st!
Posted by: lucky2 | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 09:39
So sweet.
Posted by: Jenn | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 13:23
Happy Birthday Pob! And such a beautiful day too.
Posted by: Betty M | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 14:16
Happy birthday Pob (& Thalia & H) ... I hope you've had a wonderful day!
Posted by: LEB | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 18:02
Dear Thalia, that was beautiful. I love those visitor-welcoming gestures you remember -- I must confess my preparations (if that is indeed the word that applies) included nothing of the kind. But I do remember the before-feeling, and that sense of not being able to comprehend what was ahead. And how could we have, really?
Happy, happy birthday, little Pob! May the coming year be as full of love and learning as the past one was, and may you have nothing but health and happiness to look forward to. Banana and I send you our love and congratulations across the Channel.
Posted by: Kath | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 19:56
Oh, such a beautiful tribute to Pob. I cannot believe it's been a year already since she was born. Happy birthday, baby girl!
Posted by: Kristi | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 20:05
I'm so glad for you. Happy Birthday, little one!!!
Posted by: PBfish | Saturday, 20 September 2008 at 20:07
That's a beautiful post.
Posted by: Sassy | Sunday, 21 September 2008 at 13:54
What a beautiful post. Happy birthday Pob.
Posted by: Kimmer | Tuesday, 23 September 2008 at 13:38
What a most beautiful post. You are such a fabulous mom. POB is a lucky little girl.
Congratulations to POB (and you & L) for the first year! A major achievement.
Posted by: Ms. Planner | Monday, 29 September 2008 at 07:22
Ah, what a beautiful post. I cried at the bit where you sat down.
Bea
Posted by: Bea | Monday, 29 September 2008 at 08:00