Staying with the stories

I have 311 feeds in bloglines. Currently there are 876 unread posts. That's down on over 1100 when I returned from 2 weeks away. About 30 of the feeds are food blogs which I can take or leave. Five are infertility information feeds which I read very seldom now. Three are information feeds regarding work stuff which I also look at only on an irregular basis. Probably 30-40 are blogs which are no longer updated (like that of Grrl of blessed memory). The rest are your stories. And then there are about five or so blogs that don't publish feeds which I also try and look in on on a regular basis. I also check for news on a couple of message boards, and occasionally read a UK parenting forum. That's a lot of stories.

Other than the few information feeds and food blogs, all those feeds represent stories I care about. In some instances I've read those stories right from the beginning - either because I read through the archives when I first found the blog (Julie, Tertia, Cecily, Millie etc.) or because I've been reading since the blog started - particularly when we started around the same time (DD, Ovagirl, Nico, Amy, Clover, Alexa, Flicka to name but a few). I can no longer remember the exact order I found your stories. I used to have a great resource for this because the typepad lists went in order of when I added each blog. Then I got clever and deleted those lists to replace them with the bloglines feeds and lost an important archeological artefact.

When I started I often found stories by clicking through from comments on mine or other's posts, only to find a story I empathised with and wanted to continue to follow. More recently I've found stories through cyclesista or lost and found. Often now, although I may empathise with the story, I don't feel the need to continue to follow it. Maybe I don't like the writing much, maybe I just can't get back into the story of someone just starting clomid or injectibles. Often I'm outraged by a doctor who is recommending an IUI with five follicles ready to go and just can't face writing a comment that I know will probably upset the person concerned. But also, I am committed to the stories I already follow, and it takes a lot of time to follow them.

This is particularly true for me because I feel horribly guilty if I read without commenting. I know how much comments always have meant to me, and if I read without visiting I know the person concerned has no way of knowing that I care about her story. But reading at least a few blogs without commenting is clearly the only way for me to at least know how things are going across all these blogs. Which is better? For me to know what's happening but not to offer real support to the author? Or for me to stop following some stories and do a better job of commenting and being a visible part of that author's support network?

In either case, I'm not sure I can continue to follow all these stories. I'm going back to work. I need to try and find the time to go back to the gym, and I need to spend more time with Pob and not with the computer. But I'm finding the pruning very hard. There are some blogs I will never stop reading. No matter if you haven't posted in months or years (Bugs I'm thinking of you), I'll keep you in the feed just in case. No matter if all the posts are about sleeping challenges or your child's new wardrobe, or your latest walking holiday I'll keep reading just so I still know how you are (no names mentioned to protect the innocent). But there are others where I've followed them through the tough part of the story, they are out the other side, they don't post much, and when they do it's not stuff that I feel a strong need to comment on. They seem fine and I'm not sure they need me so much any more. Then I remember how much I still love getting comments, even on seemingly happy and contented posts, and I feel bad, but I then i think about the others still in the trenches, or with whom I have a stronger emotional connection, and I feel ok about letting go of a few of the stories.

Ok, let me be really honest. I've deleted a grand total of five blogs from my feed over the last week. One was a work-related news feed. Two were food blogs. One was a blog which used to be about infertility but hasn't been for a while, written by someone who never comments here and with whom I've only had a weak emotional connection. The other was a blog previously about infertility, where the author has just recently reached the other side, and who again I've never had a very strong connection with. Every other blog I thought about deleting, I've paused over the delete button, hesitated and moved on.

I don't know how this will play out. I'm connected to all your stories, even those blogs I drop in on just occasionally and rarely comment. I don't want to lose that connection, and I want to continue to support those I care about. There will no doubt be a middle ground. I've yet to find it. In the meantime I'll muddle through, commenting a little less than I used to, being grateful for everyone who stays connected with my story, and hoping I can offer just a little of that support in return.

Comments

[Meredith]

I so understand. I think that it's natural to have a post-baby down-tick in blogging (reading and writing) activity. Since my baby was born and since I went back to work, I hardly have to time to pay the bills, much less follow my blog feeds. At the same time, these are my friends, and I care about them (and you!). I often end up reading while nursing Finn, which means I can read, but commenting is hard. So I don't comment. Argh.

Anyway, try not to feel too guilty. You've gotta do what you've gotta do. Eventually you might find that you do have more time and/or inclination again.

[Joy]

We know what getting to "the other side" means, even as some of us are still "in the trenches." It is a leave-taking, because of the time demands of parenting. I think that's why pregnancy announcements are hard. It not just jealousy or fresh grief that our own circumstances haven't changed. It's also knowing that our pregnant friend is about to get new priorities that include us less. It is what it is, and we understand. I extend grace and good wishes to you as I would hope to receive them myself. Whenever that day comes.

[Nico]

So well put, Thalia! I have been experiencing very similar thoughts and emotions - although I continue to read many of the blogs I used to comment on almost every day, the commenting takes time that I just don't seem to have much of anymore, so doesn't happen terribly often. It doesn't help that Ant thinks the computers (as well as Mommy) are his property, and doesn't seem to be terribly enamoured of them being used for purposes other than his devious designs of turning them on and off...and on and off ("booting up!"). Honestly, although it's nice to get comments every now and again, I'm mostly still writing because I find it so helpful to go back into my archives when I want to go, "when did that happen?". And I hope that when they get older the kids will appreciate having the stories about them from when they were this age. For me, the post-baby writing has become a lot more about that than about the support that it used to be about when I was still on the journey.

[Nico]

I have to say, I've also always been SO impressed by the number of blogs with which you seem to keep up. I occasionally click through to some of them, and so often you've left comments that say just the right thing. I do think that you need to worry about you, and not feel obligated to comment (or even read) when it's taking time away from other things in your life.

[EJW]

311 feeds! That's quite impressive.

It is hard. I've stopped commenting for the most part, since the kid and work and all those things started interfering. But I agree that there's some people you'll never stop reading, no matter where their story goes.

[susie]

I still read a bunch of blogs but because of the convenience of Bloglines, I hardly ever comment. I can't imagine being able to keep up with 311 feeds though! You are a star!

What I've been noticing lately is that the IF bloggers who had babies around the same time as me are starting to post again - trying or pregnant with their second.

[Sami]

I read... but rarely comment... and some of the ones I read I read while at work and that means I'm not able to comment because while work blogs typepad and blogger it doesn't block google reader... So it's hard... I find myself spending time with Squeaker and wanting to comment for those still in the trenches or those who journeyed with me, but finding the time to do so is difficult. I have a hard enough time updating my own blog... which reminds me I should do that. Now go spend some time with Pob and don't feel bad about not commenting.

[Summer]

I have been coming up against the same issues you describe. There are so many blogs out there now, I hesitate to add any blogs to my feed any more.

Do what you have to do and try not to feel bad about it. We all have only so much time on our hands.

[Girl Detective]

I recently did my annual check on how I'm supposed to prune my lilac shrubs. For overgrown ones, the protocol is to prune 1/3. I'm mulling over whether this is a decent guide to life, for feeds, email, magazines, children's toys, clothing, etc.

[Cricket]

Goodness, I read that many feeds, but I don't have a small child or a job!

You are wonderful to care so much.

[statia]

It's hard to keep up. I wouldn't be if you deleted my feed. Your priorities shift and in this case, it's probably a good thing.

[statia]

Err, that should read, wouldn't be offended. Somehow the offended part got cut out.

[Bittermama]

Just to let you know that I've mostly responded to the dilemma by always reading, but rarely commenting. It's selfish though, since it's mostly about me keeping up with the stories without going to the effort of letting you know that I am. Still... it's what I can manage.

So... I'm always here reading. Promise!

[Erika Jurney]

It's definitely hard to decide where to draw the line. For me that was part of the motivation for writing my 'go read it today' posts -- I may not comment on every blog I read, but I can certainly send others over to check it out. Either that means I'm lazy or I delegate well...

When blogreading becomes an obligation it's definitely time to consider why you're doing it.

Tough choices, I know! But at least you're busy for the best of reasons :)

[elizabeth]

It is difficult, and I only have 95 feeds that I follow. Mostly I speed read in the mornings before work, and rarely have time to click over and comment, so I save the posts I most want to respond to in order to come back and leave a comment later. I have 316 saved posts, so I don't think that system is working for me.

[MsPrufrock]

I hear you completely. I have about 120 feeds, and I struggle greatly to keep up with them. 311...I can't even begin to fathom.

You do what you need to do, especially if it makes more time for Pob. It's hard - I've cut some feeds out lately, but uh, bloggers v family? I think I know who will win every time.

[marie baguette]

Thalia, I want to thank you for all the comments you posted on my blog. You really helped me out a lot when I went through my reduction. Just pointing me out to other bloggers who had gone through the same thing helped me tremendously. You also directed traffic to my blog after the whole ordeal and thanks to you lots of readers cheered me up. So thanks again Thalia. You will be less present on the internet once you start working but I hope you will still update your blog from time to time. Good luck with everything. Marie

[DinoD]

Maybe you should extrapolate here - perhaps just don't add any new blogs and eventually you will have fewer posts to read as old blogs die (or become defunct) at a certain rate. But if you add more blogs you are certain to arrive at a point where you are going to be drowning in unread posts (if you aren't already).

Maybe more of us should start our posts with the little one or two sentence synopsis that I've seen on some blogs?

I don't have any answers but I feel badly that I don't do a good job of keeping up with the few blogs that I still follow.

Perhaps (please don't hit me) it is a good thing that some of us distance ourselves a little. I know I have previously said something similar on my blog - would anyone going through IF still want to hear my comments when I'm 70 (ah.. that's assuming that anyone ever wanted to)?

All kidding aside, I felt horrible deleting a lot of my feeds and I still feel almost an emptyness that I am not longer part of the IF blogsphere. But as we age I do think that we all eventually change too much to stay in the IF circles. And it seems like so many of us disappear after waging our wars with IF (regardless of outcome). But I will always, always remember and love (yes, love) names like Thalia, Julianna, DD, Sami and so many more.

DinoD

[Aurelia]

Well, I have the same issue and am struggling right now with checking on and commenting on the 300+ feeds I read. And many of mine are not IF related, but political or personal or news feeds or whatever.

What I have done is divide them into categories, and I have one section that is defunct, or old blogs, that never update, so they don't crowd into the pile, but if they happen to start updating, I do see them.

Another section are daily reads, people who I feel close to and so I always stay up to date with them. And other blogs (mostly non-IF) where I have to admit, I never comment or read their comments, so I let them pile up and just read the posts, clicking through bit by bit.

My kids are older, so I have not only school days to read blogs, but frankly, anytime they are doing homework or watching a TV show they like and I can't stand. With the new baby? I-yi-yi, I have no idea if I will be able to keep up. I used to be able to breastfeed and type back in my political volunteer days...but who knows if this will work.

Feel free to read me and only comment rarely, like if I seem to desperately need it! Otherwise, take a break hon.

[Betty M]

And there am I having trouble keeping up with 63 feeds (most of whom I found via your own blogroll) and I sneakily read at work, on the bus (thank you I Phone) and when feeding Z at night. I would think that most of the people you read would be happy just to see you comment every now and again even if it is just to say you are still there. Life just gets in the way of the computer sometimes. And so it should.

[Flicka]

It's a lot of emotional energy, keeping up with blogs. Sounds like Aurelia had some good suggestions. You'll find your balance eventually, though I have to say I'm selfishly glad that you're sticking with me. :-) I'd miss your input if you were gone.

[M]

Like you, I have wayyyy too many feeds in my bloglines, but I find it so hard to delete any of them - even though most of them are now pregnant or parenting blogs I still care so much about how everyone is and reading their stories.

Anyway, I'm sure we'll cut you a break - Pob and your life has to be your priority, we'll always be around....

x

[Orodemniades]

I'm there, too, unsubbng from this blog or that. I think it;s just part of the process...

[Geohde]

You sum up the problem I have with my ever-expanding feed list very well...

J

[Rachel Inbar]

Wow! I could never follow that many stories. Sometimes I have to click through to the blogs just to remember who's who...

[Jenn]

I read about half of what you read and have a hard time keeping up sometimes. I also have been reluctant to add new blogs and and am quicker to take new ones out of my list if I'm just not that engrossed in them.

[Katie]

Mine isn't nearly as big but I still delete people I don't like to read (either for style or content) and people that don't have that much in common with me - so I mainly read British mummy or wannabe-mummy blogs, or worldwide pregnancy loss blogs, but not so much US IVF blogs as we've less in common.

I also have a couple that I'd really like to read but bloglines won't put them on and I forget to check otherwise.

I'm amazed you have time to even skim that many, let alone read and comment.

[Monica]

Look out for yourself and Pob first. One of the hardest things about parenting I've found is the guilt I feel for not being able to honor all the commitments I previously did. I'm a nine to fiver now and I used to be the first car at work and the last car. It's all about reevaluating your priorities. I think Aurelia's suggestions are good too. And you can always just read and comment every now and then, when you find yourself with an extra five minutes or say.. like when Pob naps. But then again, I'd recommend napping too!

[Alex]

You know, it's funny.

I don't read half what you do, and I've started reading some more recently, even those that have no relevance to my personal experience (at least to date) and even though I'm not now actively ttc and don't know that I ever will again.

Some blogs I follow a bit the way some people follow TV series -- and I mean no offense in this comparison, but honestly, though infertility and parenting after infertility have both changed me forever and I feel for every single one of us, I don't know most of us personally; I mean, for all I know, you might actually be a 14 year old boy in a basement in Brooklyn (and a darned creative and articulate one, at that).

I've come to ask myself too, lately, if in blogs I've finally found my "mass culture." I often talk with my hubby about how in a different era, villages would be relatively isolated and most of the time, each young woman might have a decent chance at being "the prettiest" or among "the prettiest," or -- well, we tend to discuss this in terms of female body image issues and how every man now "expects" "his" woman to look like "Cindy Crawford" -- but, anyway, take whatever age range and gender and other identity you want and figure that in a different era, individuals would have had some decent chance at being recognized for excelling (locally) at whatever attribute they valued. Whereas today...well, there are only a few Cindy Crawfords, Shaquille O'Neals (is that even spelled right?), Tiger Woods, Grrls, etc.

So, anyway...to keep running with this, in a different era I'd have been forced to find what I had in common, or enjoyed of, other locals, and I'd be reading bad local papers, or whatever. And nowadays I'm not constrained to do that, and I instead find others who are (in many cases) "like me" in terms of a central experience that has dramatically affected my life (infertility), and who, on top of that (in terms of my choice of blogs) write beautiful snark. Which is good, in many ways -- I mean, what would life be without Julie, really? But perhaps bad, too, because it almost certainly has narrowed my circle of IRL friends. All of those of whom (though absent) would have been real people with real (and annoying) foibles, foibles I can now (mostly) avoid by instead visiting (though often, I must admit, not even speaking with, i.e., commenting on) the blogs of other folks I (apparently) like better.

And really? Often I do like the bloggers I follow better than (many of) the people I know IRL. I don't kid myself; these are real choices I really make (I owe 2 IRL friends a phone call right this very minute), and there are reasons for them (both friends are annoying and will talk twice as long as I want to, and, being an introvert, I find the words on the screen easier on my senses).

But there are of course downsides to this, and I don't myself blog, so much of this is quite one sided even when I do comment (again, my choice), and I do sometimes ask myself what on earth I am doing.

All of which is a long and self-centered way of saying, good heavens, do what's right for you, and I cannot imagine trying to keep up with so many blogs.

[Megan/Always A Bridesmaid]

I've done the same thing, thinning my list as time goes on, while at the same time hoping that my own blog isn't one of the ones that disappears from people's blogrolsl-even though it had been ages since I'd posted.

Its been awhile since I've commented here and I don't think I've said good luck on baby #2! I hope the second time is much easier for both of us!

[luolin]

This all sounds so familiar, except that I have never been so good about commenting as you are.

[millie]

311? Good grief but that is a load of blogs.

I am beyond humbled to even be mentioned in this post at all, much less where you put me. Seriously there must be a mistake.

Bloglines has made me a horrible blog reader. I don't comment as much as I'd like and have just become a giant blog sloth. I need to find another job where I can spend more time on blogs and less on work.

You continue to amaze me with your care and time for everyone. You do what you need to do for you and for Pob. The blogosphere will always be a much better place because you've been such a big part of it.

[Clover]

Oh gosh, I can totally relate. I don't feel the need to comment on everything- as long as I comment periodically, then I feel like I've "checked in" with the author and they know I'm still around, even if every post they write isn't commented on. I don't read any new stuff- I just don't have the time.
As for my own blog, man I'm really struggling. Its not that I don't have anything meaningful to say, its just that I got out of the habit and now its very hard to get back into it. I don't even know where to start. (Although an IF-related incident with my neighbors recently gave me good fodder- maybe I'll go write about that while I'm still fuming- LOL!) Anyway, I hear ya. I wish there was some way to check in with those I care about that wasn't so damn time-consuming.

[Portlairge]

I'm so with you on this. There are some blogs I'll never delete but I've done the same thing. I've deleted some blogs and I feel so guilty when I do it. I just can't keep up though,so it has to be pared down. I've drastically reduced my commenting but that is because I do most of my reading on my Blackberry whenever I have a free moment. I feel guilty about not commenting but happy that I am keeping up with the lives of those who have become so ingrained in my life.............even though I have never met them. As for posting.........I keep saying I must get to that!!!!I think the last day I posted was on your birthday in 2007- L was conceived on your birthday- I'll never forget that.

[Helen]

Like others have said, I've always been overwhelmed by how good you are at commenting and keeping up with others. I know that I am crap at commenting as often as I should, although I do still pop in here. If you go quiet on my site, I'm hoping that it's because you're there but busy juggling work/American Idol/Pob's milestones, and not because I've hit the delete feed list!

[amanda]

Yep, I totally hear ya. I'm having trouble keeping up, too, and I definitely don't comment like I used to. Just so you know, I'm still here reading your blog even if I only pop in every great once and a while.

[OvaGirl]

Great post Thalia...it's hard keeping up with everyone and you've done an amazingjob keeping up with all those that you have. I think maybe for everyone the nature of blogging changes naturally as time passes (and as POB wants more of your time)But your comments are always welcomed and appreciated.

[Karen]

I feel the same way. I am so behind reading blogs and I keep thinking I should prune...but WHO? how could I ever prune such amazing wonderful women who have been my support and my cheerleaders and my wonderful friends? I couldn't ever. I just couldn't.

[Lut C.]

No wonder I keep bumping in to you all over the place!

Perhaps a compromise is a boilerplate message that says little more than 'Thalia was here'?
Some ASCII art?

Maybe I'll try it? I have 124 feeds, of which I actively follow over half. But commenting I've had to slow down on.

You have given so much already, you have nothing to feel guilty about!

[DG]

I am behind reading too..

[everytenth]

It is your blog, and you are entitled to do whatever you want. I was blessed to find your blog at a time when I needed IF support, and was thrilled when you (and I) made it through to the other side. You need not answer to anyone for anything. If you should choose to revamp your blog, it is your right, and you should not feel guilty for doing so.

[cass]

I started a whole long comment about this, which seemed appropriate enough but then grew and so rather than writing a book here in comments I thought I should use this as an opportunity to actually go post on my own blog for a change. But the summary is:

Reading through Bloglines is the only way I can keep up at all, but it doesn't lead to a lot of commenting on my part, which makes me feel a bit disconnected. It's hard to participate actively in that many stories/conversations - at some point it seems reasonable to stop following some, but how and when to do that seems just so hard...