Thalia's fertility journey

Back in the saddle (or should that be stirrups?)

On hold to my clinic, to set up the appointment Dr Candour asked me to make, for a scan to check on my lovely fibroids. They've changed their phone system in the interim and now, instead of some somewhat jangly but not too offensive music, they have an incredibly annoying voice on a loop saying: "Due to a heavy volume of calls, all our staff are busy on other calls. Our calls are answered in strict rotation. Please stay on the line. You are [third] in line to be answered." There is no break in between the loop, although towards the end I did get the occasional ringing tone before she told me I was next in line. Very very irrirating.

So having finally got through, it's off to the clinic I go tomorrow, cycle day 4 or 5 depending on how you look at it. We'll see what the state of the old ute is. I know the big fibroid at the bottom grew a lot while I was pregnant, since it was cited by one of the docs as the reason Pob never turned head down. We'll see what it's up to now and whether they need to do anything to it to make the ute a bit more hospitable for a prospective new inhabitant.

I did nearly think I was pregnant this month, to the extent that I actually POAS on Saturday morning, despite not being sure when I ovulated as I didn't investigate that last month. "Not pregnant" it cheerfully told me. Then on Saturday afternoon my period arrived. Funny. I'm on the rollercoaster between optimistically thinking: why not us? It happened once and look how good it was; and then reminding myself, pessimistically, that I'm 41 now and no matter how good my hormone levels have alrways been, my eggs must be on their last legs by now, and given it took 3 years for us to get lucky, our chances of it happening again really aren't that good. Not zero, but not good.

Still, I'm hoping I can get the hsg (much less irritating booking system - you call and leave a message, they call you back) scheduled for the first half of the cycle so that we can try and get lucky again. Hope continues to hang out at my house. She's welcome here for the time being. We'll see how we're getting on six months from now...

Men are weird

H is currently jumping up and down and punching the air. He seems to feel a very personal sense of accomplishment. But they won because the other team missed a goal. I don't get it.

Ah well. Best leave them to their manly fantasies, eh?

Corrupting my child

Apropos the previous post, I was sitting finishing it with Pob cuddled into the corner of the sofa next to me, a few toys arrayed around her. American Idol was on. I'd pretty much given up on American Idol for this season given two important challenges. The first was that itv2's schedule was a bit of a mystery to me and I could never find all the shows in one week, so I kept missing important performances. The second was that all you lovely Americans kept telling me the answer before I saw the relevant episode. So I gave up. But it happened to be on as I had a quiet few minutes on the sofa to finish that post, so I left it on while Pob hung out.

And then I realised how much she was enjoying it. Smiling away at the screen, particularly at that young David guy, waggling her head and hoping he would smile back at her. And occasionally banging my hand or the computer to make her feelings known.

I've turned my child into a telly addict, and there is no point of return.

Staying with the stories

I have 311 feeds in bloglines. Currently there are 876 unread posts. That's down on over 1100 when I returned from 2 weeks away. About 30 of the feeds are food blogs which I can take or leave. Five are infertility information feeds which I read very seldom now. Three are information feeds regarding work stuff which I also look at only on an irregular basis. Probably 30-40 are blogs which are no longer updated (like that of Grrl of blessed memory). The rest are your stories. And then there are about five or so blogs that don't publish feeds which I also try and look in on on a regular basis. I also check for news on a couple of message boards, and occasionally read a UK parenting forum. That's a lot of stories.

Other than the few information feeds and food blogs, all those feeds represent stories I care about. In some instances I've read those stories right from the beginning - either because I read through the archives when I first found the blog (Julie, Tertia, Cecily, Millie etc.) or because I've been reading since the blog started - particularly when we started around the same time (DD, Ovagirl, Nico, Amy, Clover, Alexa, Flicka to name but a few). I can no longer remember the exact order I found your stories. I used to have a great resource for this because the typepad lists went in order of when I added each blog. Then I got clever and deleted those lists to replace them with the bloglines feeds and lost an important archeological artefact.

When I started I often found stories by clicking through from comments on mine or other's posts, only to find a story I empathised with and wanted to continue to follow. More recently I've found stories through cyclesista or lost and found. Often now, although I may empathise with the story, I don't feel the need to continue to follow it. Maybe I don't like the writing much, maybe I just can't get back into the story of someone just starting clomid or injectibles. Often I'm outraged by a doctor who is recommending an IUI with five follicles ready to go and just can't face writing a comment that I know will probably upset the person concerned. But also, I am committed to the stories I already follow, and it takes a lot of time to follow them.

This is particularly true for me because I feel horribly guilty if I read without commenting. I know how much comments always have meant to me, and if I read without visiting I know the person concerned has no way of knowing that I care about her story. But reading at least a few blogs without commenting is clearly the only way for me to at least know how things are going across all these blogs. Which is better? For me to know what's happening but not to offer real support to the author? Or for me to stop following some stories and do a better job of commenting and being a visible part of that author's support network?

In either case, I'm not sure I can continue to follow all these stories. I'm going back to work. I need to try and find the time to go back to the gym, and I need to spend more time with Pob and not with the computer. But I'm finding the pruning very hard. There are some blogs I will never stop reading. No matter if you haven't posted in months or years (Bugs I'm thinking of you), I'll keep you in the feed just in case. No matter if all the posts are about sleeping challenges or your child's new wardrobe, or your latest walking holiday I'll keep reading just so I still know how you are (no names mentioned to protect the innocent). But there are others where I've followed them through the tough part of the story, they are out the other side, they don't post much, and when they do it's not stuff that I feel a strong need to comment on. They seem fine and I'm not sure they need me so much any more. Then I remember how much I still love getting comments, even on seemingly happy and contented posts, and I feel bad, but I then i think about the others still in the trenches, or with whom I have a stronger emotional connection, and I feel ok about letting go of a few of the stories.

Ok, let me be really honest. I've deleted a grand total of five blogs from my feed over the last week. One was a work-related news feed. Two were food blogs. One was a blog which used to be about infertility but hasn't been for a while, written by someone who never comments here and with whom I've only had a weak emotional connection. The other was a blog previously about infertility, where the author has just recently reached the other side, and who again I've never had a very strong connection with. Every other blog I thought about deleting, I've paused over the delete button, hesitated and moved on.

I don't know how this will play out. I'm connected to all your stories, even those blogs I drop in on just occasionally and rarely comment. I don't want to lose that connection, and I want to continue to support those I care about. There will no doubt be a middle ground. I've yet to find it. In the meantime I'll muddle through, commenting a little less than I used to, being grateful for everyone who stays connected with my story, and hoping I can offer just a little of that support in return.

Irony

 Nanny: My mum wants to come and see Pob. She's very excited.

Me: [puzzled look]

Nanny: Yes, she'll be uncontrollable when [boyfriend] and I have kids

Me: [non committal grunt]

Nanny: Of course it won't be easy for us. We will need treatment to get pregnant

Me: [enquiring grunt]

Nanny: Yes, I have polycystic ovaries and [boyfriend] has low sperm count

Me thinking: Blimey, I managed to hire the infertile nanny. Who knew?

A rant, feel free to ignore

This has been brewing for ages, but I'm afraid that this post from Mel just sent me over the edge. It all started a couple of years ago, when I noted that NaNoWriMo was rather exclusionary in its title. It continued when people took up the cause of NaBloPoMo. It intensified each year as I noted that American bloggers would casually write things suggesting: "Along with everyone else, we celebrated thanksgiving last night," and when people suggested "I have this sense of solidarity with everyone as we celebrate the 4th of July." It even niggled at me when people posted this weekend about the universality of mothers day. So when Mel suggested we have a NaComLeavMo, I was a little disappointed, to say the least.

Dear Americans. Especially dear American bloggers. Let me let you in to a secret. You aren't the only bloggers in the world. You are a majority, but it's not just you. And the rest of the world is perfectly capable of writing a novel, writing a blog post a day, or commenting every day. To that end, what's wrong with GloBloPoMo or GloComLeavMo? While we're at it, the rest of the world doesn't celebrate the 4th of July or Thanksgiving, although we certainly understand those traditions well based on what you have shared. Some of the rest of the world celebrates mothers day in the spring, when it was a Lenten tradition. (and btw, no it wasn't invented by an American. The way you celebrate it might have been, but it's been going a lot longer than that). We have different traditions, and different festivals, and contribute to our community nonetheless.

Let me quickly point out that I love you all individually, and remember that Mel was very careful to point out UK mothers day earlier in the year, so this is not all about her and it's not all about any individual. It's perhaps just a teensy reminder to be aware of other traditions, and, most importantly, other contributions to our community and the interweb in particular.

/rant.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

Well, what a two weeks it was. Austria involved me working very hard, not sure it worked as a 'gradual reintroduction to work' as I was on duty from 7am-9pm most days, and on a couple of days it was hard to find much time within that to see Pob. Mum did wonderfully with her, but the whole experience made Pob a bit unsettled and so I had terrible nights with her. Italy was superb, and she settled well once we were all together as a family - H met us at the airport and she was delighted to see him. Holidays in Italy will be top of my list for a long time now - only an hour's time difference, weather gorgeous, people in love with babies. All good ticks in my box. Of course Italians seem to love all babies, but I tell you Pob was extra specially charming. We got lots of "oh bellissima!" and even requests to take photos and video of her. She loved the attention from her adoring public and developed a new line in head shaking that really entertained the crowds.

We've been home since Friday but things have been very hectic. H's brother is having a kind of breakdown so we tried to see him on the way back from the airport, but he'd gone for a walk and didn't reappear before we had to leave to get Pob home for supper. Then Saturday my brother, SIL and two nephews arrived to stay for the weekend. It was lovely to see them but BOY is my 3-year-old nephew LOUD! His outbursts made Pob cry a couple of times, but equally he was very sweet with her and brought her toys when she was getting a bit screechy, announcing to me "this is to make him better." (he hasn't quite got the hang of pronouns yet).

Sunday was a big family party for my aunt, and Pob tired herself out smiling and head waggling at everyone. We got home just in time for me to give her supper, and for me to have a complete breakdown at the thought of the nanny starting in the morning. I just don't want this lovely time with Pob to end, to go back to work and leave her, but leave her I will, next Monday I start back at work.

The nanny started this morning, and so far it's fine, although she does talk a lot! She's already done some steamed pears and tidied Pob's toys, so it can't be all bad. It'll be a long week escorting her to all our usual haunts, but it will make me feel better to give Pob a week of having both of us together before I head off to work. Pob's fine with other people, but she clearly is a lot happier when I'm around.

I'm going back to work 4 days a week (although in my job 4 days a week may mean 5 days one week, 4.5 the next but try to get home early a few times). My aim is to get back from work in time to put her to bed each night when I'm in London. When I'm travelling obviously H will have to do bedtime as well as the nights, and the nights are no fun at the moment. I hope Pob decides she can sleep through the night again soon, it's been three months now since she slept through and H and I are both constantly tired. Perhaps this is just the new way of living, and in a few years we'll forget there ever was uninterrupted sleep between 11 and 7. We're alternating nights on duty but somehow even my one night off doesn't lead to be feeling completely refreshed.

So we're fine. Pob is still wonderful (I'd post pictures but typepad can somehow no longer see iphoto - anyone got any hints?), I'm rather stressed, but it's sunny out and I'm going to make the most of this last week together.