Luckily I know not to quit on a bad day

On Sunday, I pumped 595ml. I've never pumped anything like that much - the previous high was 525ml and that had only happened once. I was bouncing between 420ish and 490ish a day, which was allowing me to only use formula every 3-4 days. Given where we've come from, you can imagine I was feeling a little smug about that. I'd accomplish this by pumping once in the middle of the night, since she's stopped waking between midnight and 7. That gave me around 100ml. Then I'd pump after each feed, and I've been following electriclady's advice, and just leaving the pump stuff set up and getting in a sneaky 10 minutes here and there as well, which had given me an extra 80ml or so a day. All this pumping, plus taking a bunch of supplements, plus the domperidone, and I felt like we had a routine which was manageable, and, indeed, quite rewarding after all we'd been through. She has been going on the breast at every feed, and we've been having a nice time together, and then she gets filled up with a bottle. She's gaining weight beautifully, and looks wonderful, and we were doing it almost entirely on breast milk. I could see that I didn't want to continue this forever, because it was stopping me from getting out of the house much, but I wasn't prepared to give it up just yet.

Then, over the last few days, two things happened. The first is that she started fussing at the breast, coming on and off, and, at 3 feeds over the last 2 days, screaming inconsolably until I gave up and gave her a bottle. It's the bad old days of 2-3 weeks old all over again. The second is that the pumping volume has gone way down. I still get a good pump at about 4am, and I can get a good volume in the morning by pumping after my shower - i.e., about 30 minutes after the morning feed has ended - but then that's it, the rest of the day I'm struggling to get 40mls after a feed.  know that 6 weeks ago I'd have been delighted by that, but now it feels like such a step backwards. Well, it is a step backwards!

When the post-feed volume started to decrease about a week ago, I just assumed it was because she was taking more from the boobs (I've certainly felt that she's been sucking better), and that the boobs would catch up and I'd get back to pumping more again in due course if I kept stimulating them. So I added in extra pumps between feeds to try and get more volume, and to add stimulation. To no avail, I'm just killing my nipples to get an extra 20mls or so. Sunday, it turns out, was a bit of a fluke, and anyway was accomplished by adding in two extra between-feed pumps, which is not a habit that's conducive to having a life.

The breast refusal is worse. That takes me back to my saddest, darkest moments since she was born. The thought, the feeling, that she doesn't enjoy nursing, is a horrible blow to my self-esteem and a hit to the nursing relationship I thought we'd established. What I have craved, over and above the need to nourish my baby, is the desire for a lovely bonding experience at the breast. After the initial three weeks of struggle, I thought we'd got to a good place with that, but now it seems she's got fed up with the slow flow and wants the bottle more than me. Ugh. This is compounded by my worry over the last week or so that she's not really bonded to me - she seems to be as happy with my mum, or H's mum, or H, as she is with me.

Well, this has to be the dullest post ever.

The point is, I thought we had a system which I could keep up for maybe another month, get her to 4 months, before I started to taper off so that it wasn't too much of a shock to the system when I went back to work, and so I could start to exercise a bit more and shed the awful, flabby 30 extra pounds I still have to lose. I was feeling ok about it because I had such a sense of achievement about where we've got to, and what I was managing to produce, even if it was horribly hard work. But today it doesn't feel worthwhile. Funny how hung up on the numbers I've got, my sense of self worth tied almost solely to ml pumped/ml supplemented per day.

However, as the title says, I know not to quit on a bad day. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Btw, I don't want a lot of comments telling me to give up, because although I know everyone means well, it's not what I need to hear. I know it's ok to give up, I know she'll be fine on formula, but I want to breast feed her, and if that's my main job right now, I want to do it as well as I can. I'm ok, really I am, I'm just having one of those moments.

She's still wonderful, by the way.

Comments

[PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)]

She definitely looks like she's getting enough. My god, what a cutie!

[Anna]

Don't feel badly, T, you're doing so well. I had to supplement the Bee with formula, and it seemed like every day as a struggle. I do't remember when it got easier, but it did. It just took a really long time.

Pob may be going though an active stage of teething, that may be why she's a bit fussy at the breast. Hang in there, you're doing great!

I know what you mean about the bonding thing; many times I felt the same way - that Bee would be just as happy with anyone else as he was with me. Don't worry - there's no substitute for Mummy! :)

[Suz]

She's beautiful! I never did get mine to nurse and it was hard, hard, hard. I know that you're struggling now, but what you're doing is still so good for both of you.

[May]

She's just beautiful!

I hope tomorrow's a much better day. Good luck.

[Helen]

I hope tomorrow is a better day indeed.

I didn't breastfeed, but sometimes the longing that I have, the wish that I had breastfed, it's enormous. I really feel for you.

[Carla Hinkle]

She really is such a pretty, pretty baby!

Of course you should wait until tomorrow -- it is just so frustrating to never know what the little imps are going to want/do.

I was all set to BF my 2nd until her 1st birthday (not making it that far with my 1st), when around 6-7 months she started to get impatient at the breast, fuss, be happier with the bottle, etc. Just about killed me. Of course she is fine (we ended up tapering off until stopping completely at 8 months), but it is tough not getting to where you want, isn't it?

BTW, don't fret that she isn't bonded to you. You are MOMMY. Just because she likes her grandmas and her daddy doesn't mean a thing.

Love it when you post-- please don't stop.

[electriclady]

Oh my goodness she is so edible! Gorgeous!

I know that dark place all too well--the breast refusal hit me in such a fundamental way, because it's so hard not to feel, when your baby is turning away from you and pushing at your chest with her little hands, that she is rejecting YOU. I also had the worries that she wasn't bonded to me, especially because I wasn't nursing her and because I work and my husband stays home. (And I was soooo jealous when she would let my MIL hold her.) But you know what? The older she gets, the clearer it is that she is bonded to me in a way that she isn't with anyone else, even her dad. It's the way she responds when I walk in the door, the way she wants me when she's upset...all things that she wasn't really capable of showing until she was 4-5 months old or so.

You are doing fantastic. I know you've had a few bad days, but you should be really proud of what you've been able to accomplish. Could you have imagined, back in those darkest early days, that you would have come so far?

[Drowned Girl]

It sounds like a growth spurt, and in her impatience she is demanding the ease of the bottle. And I bet the drop in your pumped supply, suddenly, is mostly down to stress because of her fussing and pressure to produce lots of milk!

You know that the milk she takes direct is much more than you can pump... you can't measure how much she takes direct when she cooperates by how well you pump, especially on a bad day.

Hang in there, this isn't permanent.

PS It COULD be teething (or earache) and you might try a dose of calpol if you're happy with that idea? Also try the rugby ball hold, can help if feeding is causing her discomfort for some reason. Is her temperature normal?

xx

[Dooneybug]

She is so beautiful!! She reminds me of my daughter (who I believe is close in age to yours). You are doing all you can do, be proud of that for sure!

By the way...there will be a day, very soon where that little one won't want you more than three feet away from her. I understand your desire to have this closeness now as well, but I promise she knows you're her mum and needs you most of all!!

[Drowned Girl]

Will she feed better when very sleepy? Often happens with a baby that has a spit of nipple confusion/breast refusal.

And you've looked here?

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/fussy-while-nursing.html

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/back-to-breast.html

xx

[pixi]

My son starting fussing (screaming) at the breast at about two and a half months, and it broke my heart. He'd go for about five minutes, and then the crying would start.

Eventually a lac consultant and I figured out that he had gotten much more efficient at feeding, and after a few minutes he was just done. I was expecting him to go for 45m, so I was basically forcing the boob on him when he didn't need it.

I'm not saying this is your problem. I just want you to know that I know how disheartening it can be (and how much it feels like rejection), but it is possible to get past those hurdles. For me, the first few months of bf were rough, but from about 4 mos on, it got so much easier. I really hope that's true for you too. It's very very possible that it will be.

[PJ]

I do, indeed, hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

She is amazing, what an angel. And I agree with everyone else, it looks like you're doing something right with those content, chubby cheeks.

[Aurelia]

Drowned Girl covered all of my assvice perfectly, so can I just say that the picture turned me into a big swooning babyluster.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, I want that, I so so so want that. Next time I'm trudging through the snow and wondering if I'm crazy to be starting over again at this age, I'm going to remember that photo.

And hey, don't worry, bad days can happen, but good days will follow. You can do this, really.

So as for going back to work, have you thought about nannies, or daycare yet? What are you doing?

[Kay/Hanazono]

I'm so sorry you're having a tough day, sweetie. Thank you for posting anyway -- I've been wondering how you are doing. Sending you a big squeeze and hoping that tomorrow will be better. xx

[Jenn]

Thalia, you are doing a fantastic job.

[Alex]

For whatever it's worth, and I know I have been one of the ones saying, "It's OK not to exclusively breastfeed," and that I have (apparently) held myself to a lower standard than you hold yourself to -- but anyway, the point is, writing as someone who is still (albeit non-exclusively) breastfeeding at 9 months, what I have found is that it does go through good and bad phases. My son has gotten VERY distractable and there was also some biting that went on for awhile (and no doubt will again, or some new problem), and I found both those things very discouraging and I did think about giving up. But I didn't. And while the problems I'm experiencing haven't completely vanished there are also new positives; we now enjoy these lovely exclusively nursing feedings first thing in the morning and then fall asleep in bed together and it is just lovely and far better than much of what came before (even though some of that was lovely too).

All of which is just to say, yes, there are hard times and yes you are doing the right thing by not letting yourself think of those as THE times, or the new times, or whatever. The bad times come, they go, there are wonderful moments in there as well, hang in there, you are doing a great job.

[cass]

The smile! And the tongue! Awww. Melting a bit over here.

I think she's about at that age where the world is suddenly so interesting and it's hard to focus on the nursing. We sometimes had luck nursing when they were half asleep, or in a quiet room when they got distracted.

Sending you hugs for a better day tomorrow.

[Sami]

I so can relate to this post... Try tojust take it one day at a time... it's hard when these munchkins change things up on us on a daily basis as does the boobs... It'd be nice if you knew exactly how much she was sucking that would be too simple. My munchkin isn't reliable either and it's frustrating. hang in there. She's adorable by the way :D

[PBfish]

What a cutie!
I hope tomorrow is better...

[Bea]

Here's to a better tomorrow. (I could start singing "The Sun'll Come Out" in my best Annie voice?) Seriously, though. Mean it.

Bea

[Meg / Rememberella]

I know that feeling of rejection. I remember this sense that it was like a dog or cat, that J would love the person who fed him, and if *I* didn't, then how would he know the difference between mum and everyone else? But now he's older, it's different. It becomes more rewarding when they get bigger. He's all about mum now, they are so much more responsive.

Your milk will bounce back, most likely. Mine goes through lower periods, but it usually comes back. If you give your body a break from the herbal supplements,that can help. My body adjusts to them and I find if I stop for a week or so that, they start working again.

J mostly refuses throughout the day now, (not violently anymore - it used to be, but I think he's just to impatient and stimulated by other things now) but I am glad I persevered at nighttime when he spits out the bottle, and will only take the breast, even if I'm completely dry.

[Jill]

Moxie just had a great post up with ideas about why so many women are having supply issues. My point is, it isn't your fault. You are doing a great job, and yes, don't make any decisions on a bad day.

And, she is a beautiful baby.

[Heather]

You are doing a great job. Keep it up. I agree with previous comments, in that she may becoming more efficient. I will also point out that when my pumping supply dropped? I got AF a good week later. Even though you are breastfeeding the hag may show up this early!

[Portlairge]

She is beautiful and you are her Mum and it's not just the breastfeeding that makes you that special person. However, us IFers always get hung up on the numbers- It's what we do- so go with it and I hope tomorrow yields a higher number.

[LEB]

She's so beautiful Thalia, you've done so well with her.

I was going to say what Drowned Girl said. I've been trying to remember what it was like to feed my dd who was very tough, it was such a long time ago though. I know she never fed for more that 5 minutes at a time, she never seemed to enjoy it that much. I wish I knew why some babies seem to get it & others find it so much harder.

[Motel Manager]

I know I say this every time, but she is just GORGEOUS! Wow!

[Jennifer]

Drowned Girl got it right-there are always little things that can make them fuss-BabyA does this from time to time (drives me nuts, since she will just pull off-ouch!). If there is something that hurts, the bottle will be much easier to draw on and easier on the ears or whatever else may be hurting.

Stick with it, and do the best that you can-which is all that you can do. Try not to get hooked on the numbers too much. I read somewhere that demand actually stabilizes around this time, so she may be getting (a)more at a regular feed than you think she is and (b)you are where you are going to be. Supply will go up and down, but I've found that stress does not help at all. I had to find ways to calm down, drink more liquids, and just cut myself some slack. Once I could do that, my supply came back up to where I needed it.

She looks great!

[Jennifer]

Drowned Girl got it right-there are always little things that can make them fuss-BabyA does this from time to time (drives me nuts, since she will just pull off-ouch!). If there is something that hurts, the bottle will be much easier to draw on and easier on the ears or whatever else may be hurting.

Stick with it, and do the best that you can-which is all that you can do. Try not to get hooked on the numbers too much. I read somewhere that demand actually stabilizes around this time, so she may be getting (a)more at a regular feed than you think she is and (b)you are where you are going to be. Supply will go up and down, but I've found that stress does not help at all. I had to find ways to calm down, drink more liquids, and just cut myself some slack. Once I could do that, my supply came back up to where I needed it.

She looks great!

[Tinker]

Oh my goodness is she adorable!

[ksmaybe]

That is one beautiful baby girl Thalia. She's lucky to have a mom who loves her so much.

[Kirsten]

Every time I stop by and read your blog I am SO impressed by your persistence.

I think it's fairly common to have a period around 3 months where your milk supply gets wonky and your kiddo refuses you. My son had a week or so around that time where he hated to nurse - he wouldn't take a bottle either so it was pretty miserable for us both. After talking to an LC I realized that around three months your milk supply "regulates" and usually any oversupply or heavy let down will subside. He was used to getting it right away and all of a sudden my body was making him work a lot harder for it. I started pumping for 60 secs or so right before the feeding and alternating breasts more frequently during the feeding and that seemed to help. Ultimately we made it to a year somehow.

Again, I'm so impressed by how hard you've worked for this! Good luck!

[Claudia]

I think I've said this before, but there's no need to decide today, tomorrow, next week, next month, whenever. You'll know when you've reached your limit. You may surprise yourself and make it further than you can imagine right now.

She's a beauty, by the way!

[lucky#2]

Oh my...she is so very, very beautiful!!!

Hang in there with BF. It is so very hard.