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Wednesday, 19 December 2007


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Lettuce Lover

I'd say she has a point!

I wouldn't want to give advice re the feeding because whatever you do has to be what you *want* to do, but I feel sad to think that you are not enjoying your precious daughter as much as you could be were it not for all the heartache over the feeding issue.


Motel Manager

My mother had a similar piece of advice, though not as colorfully put! :)


So this must be that whole forest/trees thing I've heard so much about. Who knew? ;)


She has, but I can understand why you find it so frustrating. Maybe look back at your old posts or visit the sites of those of us who are still on the painful IVF journey. You'll see that having a baby is the goal- breast fed or not!

Drowned Girl

I understand. For me, successfully breastfeeding my son was really important and whenever anyone acted as if it wasn't, I was very wounded. It wasn't really rational, but it was a very strong feeling.

Add in IF and the lack of control over conception and birth, and the need to "succeed" must be even greater.

But you have succeeded already, you know. Every ounce, day, week has been a huge contribution from you to her, and nothing will undermine that.

Having said that, I'm rooting for you to be able to continue as long and as effectively as you can. But it's a two way relationship, of course.



This just proves that she's worth the moniker of "one of my oldest friends", no?


It's tough to see outside the tunnel when you're deep in the middle, true, but while your friend has a very good point, bonding at the breast is something that has been important to you.

In the scope of Pob's lifetime, it's a very short period that you'll actually spend breastfeeding. You're doing amazingly, willing to sacrifice having a life to make extra effort to ensure she gets the best of what you can offer, and the reward of the satisfaction that comes with a good/easy breastfeeding relationship isn't something that you should simply dismiss either. I'm not saying that you should continue agonizing about it if it really isn't working, but couldn't it become a slippery slope to the end of breastfeeding?

I have to add that I'm no BF nazi -- I supplement freely if necessary and have been pumping almost exclusively for some time now, but I've set my BF goals and am meeting them without (emotional) issue.


I love good friends that put everything into perspective especially when they don't soften it up at all!


i'm just so darn jealous that you have such a gorgeous healthy baby... i would throw my tits in a trash pail to be in your shoes. you'll always comfort her in your own special way that only a mother can. and that is a blessed thing.

Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom

Yes, I do.

I nursed my 2 bio sons for a year, and did not nurse the son we adopted. I can tell you that there was no difference in the bonding then or now.

XOXOXO (I mean that :)


I pumped, never did get my now 4-y-o daughter to nurse, and it sucked. (Literally). But what I can tell you -- I don't ever think about it anymore. It never crosses my mind, until I read a story like yours and remember how bad it felt, what a failure I felt like, how all-encompassing it was at the time. Honestly. After she started eating all solids, it just slipped from my mind, and not only is it no longer a source of pain, I truly never think about it anymore. This will happen for you too, I swear.


She's right, and you'll get there too. I never think about my BF "failure" anymore, and he's not even 2 yet. Just do your best.


Hehehehehe! I love my long-time friends for this very reason. They tell it to me straight when very few other people can or will. Good on her! And you for listening!


Even if you have breast fed successfully the memory of it just disappears in the big blur of parenting. I've breast fed my kids for 9 months and that's now 9 months ago, and we all 3 have completely forgotten about it. The twins have just rediscovered my nipples after they noticed we all had bellybuttons and they think nipples are very curious and strange things.
At some stage when you are ready to stop you will be happy, once weaned you will feel much more like your old self again.


Well, she's sort of right, and very funny, but really it's not like you can do much else with her at this age either. Babies lives revolve around eating, sleeping, and pooping, so yes, it can feel like this is the only way to bond.

I always worry that if moms don't breastfeed, that it becomes easier to prop the baby with a bottle and not hold them, or to leave the baby in the crib and not sleep near them, or to simply leave them with sitters and others and not rock them and comfort them as quickly.

I've seen a lot of variations on this over the last 12 years---and if you weren't breastfeeding, then I'd say it's important to make an effort to bond in other ways.

I know to some who don't have living kids yet, that it may seem ungrateful to worry about how you feed a baby or bond with a baby, when holy smack you finally have a baby, but really, it's unfair to you and to all of us to say that. Just getting a live baby isn't the only goal, it's supposed to be about being a Mom and raising a kid, and that journey.

Thalia, do whatever you feel you need to, to bond with Pob, however it goes. And if you want to feel sad about parts of it, that's okay. You are allowed to whine. Just because you went through infertility, doesn't mean you have to be stoic. It's not a zero sum game.


I never really bonded with my boys over breastfeeding. That was hard, and it's hard to admit, but it's the God's honest truth. I never got warm fuzzies and I still don't quite get what people talk about when they discuss this magical bonding that is supposed to happen while nursing.

I didn't even like breastfeeding. I only did it because I knew it was best for them. Plus it was way easier (eventually) than making bottles and it was quite a good way to make them both be quiet.


She sure does!



OH! (Claps hands) I love her!

I think we do new moms a disservice in not telling them that breastfeeding is a damned HARD and LONG slog, and that there isn't any guarantee that it will work or it'll be the magical wondrous thing that many (although not all) think it is.

Many of your commenters have wonderful points.


Sometimes it's good to have a blunt friend in the bunch. (so long as she knows what you can take).

There is much more to mothering than breastfeeding, so maybe it is a great point.


Funny how people can see so clearly, huh?

Wish it were that easy for us too!

Hang in there. I obviously have no personal experience in order to give you assvice, but I have to think that, after all the "failure" that's associated with infertility, the breastfeeding thing is hard to let go of.

But she IS right.



Well, I think she's both correct *and* doing you a disservice by diminishing your hopes, experiences and emotions.

As someone who struggled with BF for months, although I would have recognised the truth in what she said, it would also have stung me to the quick in ways that I'd find very hard to put into words.

There's an emotional investment into feeding your baby that is sometimes not easy to convey to, or get acknowledged by, others.

Oh, and my piece of assvice for what it's worth? Don't forget that your daughter has a personality all her own! This advice would have stopped me from assuming that our bad start at BF had 'damaged our bond' when she wasn't as cuddly as some other babies. Turns out she's just not a cuddly person, and has a loving but fiercely independent nature. To my surprise, it's not all about me, apparently. ;o)


I know this has been hard on you Thalia, but she definitely has a point. I don't think that the Mini is any less bonded to me. In fact, a lot of the time, he won't let me put him down, and when I do, he just climbs all over me and licks my face.

I'm betting you'll have face licking in your future with Pob.


I know this has been hard on you Thalia, but she definitely has a point. I don't think that the Mini is any less bonded to me. In fact, a lot of the time, he won't let me put him down, and when I do, he just climbs all over me and licks my face.

I'm betting you'll have face licking in your future with Pob.


Completely and udderly...



It's so true. Soon enough, breastfeeding is nothing and it's all about who can carry the baby around in airplane position for the longest time(with sound effects). So start beefing up those biceps... :)
Seriously though, I think for the rest of our lives we are in for so much Momma-guilt about not being able to provide the ideal-whatever the hell that is-and our little babies don't care one whit. They are just psyched to be alive and loved, soaking it all up. Every snuggle is a bonding experience and I bet Pob gets rather a lot of those.


Ha ha! This is true, And believe me, nobody knows it better than I do. I have no doubt whatsoever that you and Pob are very well bonded, tit-sucking or not.


So, you wont be upset if I say "she's absolutely bloody right"! At last, you get it :)



Um, yes, yes, I do.

I do hope that you are enjoying other bonding activities between feedings. I know it can be rather, ah, daunting at this age.

At 9 months (a ways away for you and POB, I know) my DS sits and focuses his eyes on mine and then very solemnly claps...his...hands. It is so cute I get teary just writing about it. You have so many wonderful moments to look forward to.


She has a most excellent point. The relationship is more than BF or not BF. It's any kind of interaction and it can be during her bath, changing a diaper, or putting her to bed.

And I definitely do not feel she was dimminshing your concerns. Only a very close and honest friend would feel comfortable enough with your emotions to tell you something so frankly.

waiting line

YEP.... :-)


What a wonderful comment to hear from a wise friend. I remember when I finally threw in the boob at 3 months feeling to relaxed and less stressed over the constant struggle with BF. Try to do what is best for you WHEN it is best for you.


LOL that is funny. Sounds like life with Pob is overall A+++++++.

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