The boards! The boards!

I should have given up the boards long ago, when I first found blogworld. Those awful blinkies and the babydust and the incredible ignorance of most of the people there. But somehow, I got drawn back in. I can help, I thought, I have knowledge! But the board I post on apparently doesn't want that. Either people are posting things like:

No heartbeat, beta of 150 at 6 weeks, now I'm bleeding is there any hope

And people are saying "*hugs*" (only more annoyingly with little people that expand and contract), "hang in there, you never know, this other woman on here had no heartbeat and at 8 weeks they found out she had twins!!"

Or people post some factual enquiry, usually

when can I test?

and lots of people are telling them that it's 17 days post egg collection or 21 days past trigger, or whatever.

On the first set, I have occasionally posted a very carefully worded note to say that things don't look good. A couple of times people have got in touch to say thanks, they appreciated the straight talk, but mostly I get shouted down by a bunch of women who think I am destroying their "PMA" and I should shut up.

On the second set, I sometimes post the facts. Implantation happens between days 6 and 10 in a pregnancy with a good chance of success, so if you are not getting a positive peestick (having tested more than one brand) at 14dpo then the fat lady hasn't sung, exactly, but she's certainly on her warm up. Then I don't just get shouted down, but told that every clinic is different, that there are different ways to calculate the age of a pregnancy, yadda yadda yadda.

In particular, one of the experts on this board seems to find me each time I post advice, and contradict me. She knows a lot, mostly from her own long and painful history, and is tremendously invested in the board, she posts there on almost every thread, but she is just wrong on a couple of topics. The problem I have with her is not that we disagree, neither of us is posting as a doctor after all, but that almost every time I post something she takes issue with it. It's quite irritating to type out a long post, with the sole aim of helping someone at an earlier stage in the journey, and then get attacked, or my advice contradicted, seemingly just for the sake of it. I think the attack is because she enjoys being the most knowledgeable person there, and I clearly know quite a bit, but it still hurts.

I know the answer is to give up the board. I don't have a community there, anyone I care about knows I'm here instead and checks in. I do like to look in on the board for my clinic to see how things are going, but they wouldn't miss me as I don't really post, I just check in. My advice could probably be duplicated by the expert above on most topics, and by others when she has a blind spot. My 'let me tell it like it might be' posts I'm sure everyone could live without. So why am I finding it so hard to just give up?

I guess I like being able to help, I like knowing stuff. That's why I came back to this blog, I wanted to continue to share the benefits of what I know, what I had to struggle to learn, with others. That board community is full of people who know very little, but I think some of them prefer it that way, it's more for support than for knowledge. I'm better off in blogworld where we fib to each other a bit less. Heaven knows I would not miss the blinkies.

Tell me to go cold turkey please.

Comments

[Calliope]

oh those boards....I actually have moments where I phase in and phase out depending on how tough I am feeling. I think some women sit on-line all day just stirring up trouble.
xo

[M]

I have given up on several boards for that reason. Why do people want to hear lies about a bad outcome....you can always hope the best, but in the end...it will be what it is.

That being said....I still lurk. **sigh**

[Tinker]

I spend time on a similar board and, like you, like to offer insights and help to those not quite as far in the journey. The hugs and babydust have always driven me insane, but at the same time I don't feel qualified for the veterans division where there seem to be only pessimism and sarcasm. I like to think that my outlook is more balanced.

I won't tell you to quit cold turkey, as I know that I can't.

As for the know-it-all, there was one thread that had a woman who acted as though she owned it. She was mother hen and while I had participated there for a while, I left when my circumstances changed. At one point I went back to suggest to the group that if their circumstances were changing (as I saw that some were) they would be welcome in another area and it was clear that she took offense. I have been nothing but polite and kind in my posts to her and I think she's softening. She's realizing that I didn't do it to hurt her, only to help others. Perhaps this is the tack to take with your know-it-all. Acknowledge the good points that she makes and clarify those that are incorrect. That way, at least, the general group seeing the comments doesn't take her say-so as gospel, and you don't look mean.

[Carrie]

I think, maybe-if you can stand it, keep posting. As you say, you do know a lot. Perhaps some woman would rather have a number of opinions to draw on? It seems sad that some would miss out on scientific answers.
That said, I've never actually been on a board. I've gathered most my knowledge from certain Bloggers archives. I just know I prefer science to hugs.

[Matthew M. F. Miller]

Message boards are dreck, IMHO. It so difficult, because people glean truly important information from a source that is inordinately shaky.

Science should always rule the day - bravo!

[Kay/Hanazono]

Ugh, how annoying of that other poster to nitpick your posts. I must admit, I would go cold turkey on that board. I've done this with IVF-C and it has been a huge relief.

Plus, you are very appreciated here, and this community is so much richer for all that you have shared with us. I don't think we say it often enough, but thank you so much for all that you do to help out your fellow infertiles. :)

Oh, and what is PMA??
xx

[beagle]

The one thing the boards did give me: they led me to blogging.

Otherwise they are only useful if you get pg in your first three tries and even then if you are paying any attention at all you know this is true for so few of us that the whole babydust thing is an insult not an encouragement.

Cold turkey, Thalia, cold turkey!

[Aurelia]

I understand, but I stay away from the boards because of the blinkies!

And yes, it is hard to deal with the variations in knowledge levels. You do know a lot, and I appreciate it a great deal. The thing I find disturbing about some of these stories online is the poor advice some Doctors give their patients. And I know that if they got a second opinion, or went to an RE, or switched clinics, they'd hear about different protocols or finally succeed, but they don't...

Close friends of mine have spent upwards of 200K and had multiple miscarriages, and only one successful pregnancy yet refused to even consult another RE. After begging them to think about trying someone new, I finally emailed them a bunch of blog links, including yours, in the hopes they would notice they weren't getting the best treatment. And thank God, they're finally trying someone new...

So you ARE helping some people, Thalia. Just not in blinkie world. :)

[zarqa]

The board I visit has improved significantly since going subscription-only. And the high risk pregnancy board there is not bad at all actually. I waver between working towards developing a community there and just using it for the random pieces of knowledge and shared stories. There is little overlap between the "pregnant after ivf" and "pregnant after stillbirth" communities I frequent and on both shiny happy stories are much more encouraged so I split my reading between the two boards and mostly lurk, speaking up only when I need to. And after all these years I've learned to tune out the blinkies.:)

[heleen]

Well, not long before you really really really don't have time for that kind of stuss anymore. We'll be lucky if you find some time to post here after your baby is born.

[Sarah]

oh yes, i have posted about these same frustrations and been consistently told to quit the boards. i mostly have now except for one person in my original buddy group who is still trying, and when she moves on i'm done. i just don't want her to feel completely left behind, but why do i act like this is my responsibility? it's ridiculous. i'm clearly allergic to that damn baby dust and those stupid little (((hugs))).

[Crystal]

I still hang out on boards, but I agree wholeheartedly with your post. It can be full of dreck.

I really love my bloggers.

[marie-baguette]

you did give me great advice in the past, so I think you should definitely continue to share your knowledge on boards and blogs. I am sorry you are experiencing some bullying -- people do get very territorial.

[DD]

Let us know the next time this woman contradicts you, especially when you know she is completely off-base and we can come out there and write about how we believe you are right and she is not. In other words, let us gang up on her.

Otherwise, yeah. Quit. Cold turkey. I only read the boards before I found blogging.

[4katnap]

You have many good points. I have one board I LOVE. I've been with these ladies for almost 9 years. But Good grief I wish no one had tried to comfort me after my last m/c. BTDT I knew what was happening... and what wasn't. Even worse was the comments about "you don't have to act like you are OK we know you aren't." Sorry I was "OK" not great but OK.

I'd not tell you to go cold turkey. It never worked for me. The good thing now is that we are all older and mostly no longer TTC and are just friends keeping in touch online.

As for the bully... add links to data proving her wrong. Be gentle and respectful but firm.

And keep on blogging!

[Bea]

If you can't go cold turkey, find a new board. I'm sure you won't run into *all* those problems *everywhere*.

Bea

[Caro]

I have to admit I could never get into the boards. The blinkies, babydust and worst of all (for me) "babydancing" put me off immediately. I'm far too snarky for all that.

I do think that your advice is probably very useful though so it's probably worth sticking it out if you can stand it.

[Betty M]

Ohh that woman drives me wild. I saw her latest post. If she feels so strongly she knows there are private ways she can communicate with you that she doesn't like your entirely correct and far more useful than hers post. I can't see why she doesn't use them instead of doing it in public. As to whether you should go cold turkey I selfishly don't want you to as I can see what you are saying there in moments when you aren't blogging and you do give great advice so the boards would be less useful without you. I'm not sure why I keep going there either given that I am through with treatment and blogs are much more interesting. I suppose it is in part because I dont blog myself (yet) and in part because I hate seeing ignorance, bias and plain wrong statements go unchallenged and uncorrected. All the relentless positivity can be so wearing though.

[Feebee]

I have never been able to give up the boards either. Even when I don't post, I still read. And it still drives me crazy. Thank god for bloggers.

[Artblog]

Never did "the boards" but I can imagine, so STAY AWAY, pretty please.

Much prefer you here anyway, THEY clearly don't deserve you :)

[Leah]

Quit, cold turkey! Your time, energy and knowledge is put to much better use here in the blogsphere.

I used to check out the boards and got irrationally mad at the nonsense (ignorance, delusional thinking, blinkies, babydancing . . . yuck!) but didn't know there was a good alternative. The day I discovered blogs, I was hooked and have never gone back to a message board. I do sometimes miss the lure of the false promises (made with the very best intentions) that the message board people tend to make, but overall I couldn't possibly be happier with the information, advice, and genuine support that I get from my blogging friends.

[Leggy]

Was never much into boards, although I have found a good PG with twins board this time around. But listservs- OMG can I relate. They have the baby dust, etc. as well as the religious overtones and the "God's will"-speak. Argh!
Cold turkey, Thalia!

[serenity]

Oh... the boards.

The ignorance just got too much for me to handle. I HAD to stop - it was raising my blood pressure.

Go cold turkey. It's very freeing.

[Mary Ellen]

I hate the boards. I say if you can do it most definitely go cold turkey.

[silene]

I was going to say exactly what Mary Ellen said, so instead of retyping her words I will say "ditto". Good luck quitting.

[Carol]

yeah. the boards. I am like you - I try to be factual and realistic. I read a bunch of boards, but only comment on one. The one I comment on is a core group of women who have been 'together' on that board for 2 years now, and all are very well informed and realistic. But other boards I read - I find the ignorance frustrating. so I just don't comment. Even when I know i"m right.

[Jill]

I've had to get off the boards, and stay off. I've also quit posting on some blogs, because another poster would always contradict what I said, and it just wasn't worth the angst she caused me. Like you, I knew what I was talking about, but she made me look like an idiot... and worse, her info was wrong.

[moo]

I mostly gave up the boards when I found the blogworld. "Mostly" beig the operative word. That said, been irritated lately myself at he remaining couple of boards that I follow and am planning to give them up as well...

Good topic T, as always.

[waiting line]

Yep - just knock it off - stick to us here in blogland. :-)

[Jo in Utah]

Just stop. You are torturing yourself with people who don't want your wisdom. Ya know, the whole pearls before swine thing. If they can't appreciate you, hey, their loss, seriously!
I am on a board with people whose children have the same rare syndrome our son has. Oh my gosh, the stupidity, the idiotic advice, they drive me crazy. I still read because I want to stay up on any current research, but I almost never ever post anything, it just isn't worth it.

[Simone]

I've never done the "Board" thing...I'm sure it's just that we all have gained a great deal of information & it is a nice gesture to want to pass it on to those at the beginning of their TTC journey. It's not a competition however & that other woman should know better than to contradict your obviously caring (wise) words Thalia. Stay where you are LOVED & APPRECIATED!! Here on your blog...blinkies & babydust make me sneeze.

[Tonya]

Man, it seems I weaned myself of boards in time to miss the blinkies. That has got to be supremely annoying. That, and being shot down by Ms. Hot Shit. I mean, really, what does she get out of cutting you down? Seems to me it would be to make herself feel better/more important. Sounds like she doesn't have much of a 'real' life and she's trying to compensate for that by queening a board.

I've definitely experienced a bona fide board leader admitting to stirring things up just because she was "bored," which totally sucks. What ever you decide, we appreciate your infinite wisdom here. I'm glad things are going well for your pg so far!

[OvaGirl]

Um... cold turkey is very nice with some mayo and crisp lettuce on a crusty white roll...

I say, don't waste your precious blogworthy time Thalia...

xxx

[Flicka]

Go cold turkey, love. It's not worth the hassle. In my experience, message board people eventually figure it out and turn into us...I know I did. (Yes, she admits ashamedly, she was one of the PMA blinkie-loving message boarders.) Your advice is valuable and shouldn't be wasted on those who can't see the value of it.

xo

[md]

There's usually an ignore button on most boards. Why not simply make it so you can't see this woman?

But I know what you mean. I'm constantly amazed at the ignorance on these boards. People don't do their research and literally rely on strangers to make medical decisions for them. Or they only want to hear what they want to hear.

One board, I posted on a discussion about some relevant facts and was told 'oh, we know that already and are ignoring it'. Well, okay, but how can you have a valid discussion that purposely ignores the facts? Bizarre. Particularly when the discussion supported and advocated various medical practices for women.

That being said, I do find messageboards immense resources of practical advice. But you have to have enough basic knowledge of the facts to sort out the crap from the gold.

MD

[Frog]

Boards remind me of high school- the WORST of high school. I don't do them anymore, not since.. forever. :)

Sorry I've not been here in forever... I just- couldn't, but I am back, and I've moved... but I'm so glad all is still going well. Really, I swear.

[LEB]

I went cold turkey for exactly the same reason - people were starting to think I was a bitch (I have trouble with the head in the sand approach) and I was utterly blown away by the ignorance of these people who are investing so much time/money/energy into something without even understanding the basics and I had run-ins with a woman who sounds very similar to yours - trying to explain the difference between units of progesterone measurement. The pee stick thing drives me *insane*, I'm an early tester (I test from the day after the trigger so I know when it's cleared), I know if I get a line at 11 or 12dpo it's positive even if it doesn't last long. Oh and the attitude that if you question/disagree or god forbid don't follow 'drs orders' (re testing date/prog supplementation etc) then it'll be negative just because you were a naughty little girl WTF? The board management encourage a kind of infantile approach to treatment which is infuriating.

I have got a little community I dearly love, so have spent many months rolling my eyes & sitting on my hands but the vast majority of my group have moved on in one way or another & if you take IF out of the mix we don't have that much in common (I'm younger, much poorer (lol) & an APish SAHM) I probably irritate them.

Rant over! I'm always pleased to see that you & passenger are doing well :)

[Ms. Planner]

I never got into boards due to the blinkies, baby dust and poor grammar, which I cannot stand. I much prefer the blogs and have learned a plethora of great information from yours specifically.

Cheers, Ms. Planner

[Lindsey]

Ahh, yes, the boards...
The blogs are my comfort zone, but I can empathize with your willingness to help. I actually started out on the boards, and a few people there that mentioned blogs brought me to this neighborhood. You being there, sharing your knowledge may open the door for someone else, too.

[spinarella]

I agree with all those that have voted on giving up the boards and sticking with the blogs! I still lurk on occasion on a few boards, but the bloggers seem to be more well-rounded and refreshing that those boards that are ruled by a few tighta**es.

[jenny]

I quit cold turkey, you can too! Just say no to blinkies and baby dust. Hugs:) hahaha

[vee]

Step away from the boards. Keep your hands in the air and don't make any sudden moves, or you may get sucked in (and sucked dry) again!

Not worth your energy, I say...unless you feel the need to get wound up. Blogging is Queen!

[Ellen K.]

I went cold turkey on all my PG-related boards and most of the TTC ones. I hadn't realized quite how demanding they were, emotionally -- it is nice to not feel my blood boil!

[Wendy]

Hello, miss! I don't know which boards you're referring to, but I was particularly active on a couple of WebMD boards. These days, they're like looking into a bubble. Just what ARE those little floaters in there, anyway? Oh, idiots. That's it!!! :)

Hugs. Sharing knowledge is a good thing. Tell the other lady to shut up. She doesn't want me posting with her. :)

[Tina]

People only hear what they want to hear. And, I think there are women on those boards who want to be the center of attention, or the know-it-all. Are we still in high school?

I am on the FF boards still - and I respond to things very carefully to not get into a "shouting" match. I did have to open up and say something when someone posted that a d&e done only after 12 weeks gestation - uh, completely wrong.

[Monica]

Get off the boards immediately! We will all start adding tickers and counters and blinkies and (((hugs)) and the worst of all.. glitter (((hugs))). I was on stillbirth boards for a few months but they drove me nuts. I'ts so nice to find the loss blog directory. BTW, I'm due a few days after you meet passenger!

[Slinc]

Hi thalia.typepad.com!

Movies about women who choose to think for themselves rather than accept their pre-determined societal roles exist, but these films are rarely accessible, especially to younger audiences. Instead your daughter probably spends her time idolizing Disney’s princesses, most of whom exist solely to service love. Then there's Alice in Wonderland...
http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Fathers-Don-t-Let-Your-Daughters-Grow-Up-Without-Alice-In-Wonderland-17391.html

That do you think about it?