This time last year

This time last year, I thought I was pregnant. If we take Saturday 13th of May as a year ago, I didn't know for sure, but I was, in my own words, scarily hopeful. I had suspected that I was pregnant for a few days before that. I'd never been pregnant before, to my knowledge, but I knew that this felt different. That those uterine tuggings and pullings I was feeling were like nothing I'd ever felt before. I didn't want to believe it until I knew, but it was hard not to hope.

The following morning I eventually took a pregnancy test just after 4am. And it was positive. I have rarely been that happy in my life. I woke H up, we laughed, we cried. I wrote you all a long post, and I went back to sleep for a while. It was a wonderful feeling.

It didn't last. On our wedding anniversary I still believed it, but the weekend before our 6w scan I stopped believing it. I didn't feel pregnant any more. My boobs shrank. I 'knew' I was no longer pregnant. It didn't end then, but it ended 2 weeks later.

That baby would have been born about 3.5 months ago, or about 1 month into this pregnancy. There was nothing wrong with him genetically, we don't know why he didn't make it. But he never got as far as having a heartbeat.

It's hard to think about him now. In all the discussion of whether the baby of this current pregnancy is a boy or a girl, and how I felt about that, I did think about him, but found it too hard to mention him in the posts. If he had survived, I wouldn't have had this pregnancy. I wish he had survived, but I also don't wish this baby away. I had a dream early in this pregnancy, I can't remember if I typed about it or not, and I can't remember the details now, but it involved 2 babies, or being pregnant with twins, and being told I could only have one of them. In the dream I screamed and cried, but in the end I had to give one up so the other could live and thrive. It seems pretty bleeding obvious what that was about, no?

I know I'm lucky. I got pregnant 3 times in 8 months, after all, that barely qualifies as infertile, even if 2 of them were through IVF or FET. I know I'm lucky in that nothing seems to be wrong with this pregnancy or this baby (but remind me to tell you about our Friday night trip to labour and delivery when I get the chance. Short version, nothing's wrong, but it felt wrong enough to get checked out). I know I'm lucky in so many other ways. And I'm not saying I'm suddenly too sad to appreciate what I've got. I haven't woken up this morning and felt suddenly bereft. I'm still so very excited about this pregnancy. I miss him but I'm happy to be pregnant with his sister. It's the usual mess of feelings that we all walk around with every day. We're happy to be pregnant but worried what it does to our community and how it will make our friends feel. We're relieved that the failing pregnancy is finally over, yet we are still grieving the loss of the baby that didn't get to be. We're thrilled to finally be submitting our home study, but a part of us still mourns the biological children we lost. None of it is easy, none of it is straightforward, but we're all just doing the best we can to get through it ourselves, and to support others as they suffer, too.

This morning I'm remembering my son who didn't made it. 

Comments

[Drowned Girl]

I understand

x

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, I was thinking about your son last week too, and I had no idea that this sad anniversary was happening. Your description of the tangle of emotions we deal with was so true, and that dream was so very sad.

OK, I'll "remind" you to tell us your L&D story. But I must tell you I gulped hard when I read that. I'm so glad everything's OK...

[Bea]

That's a bit of a cliffhanger putting that "by the way, L&D, blah blah anyway it all worked out in the end..." in there.

I'm glad you still remember your boy. I hope you always do.

Bea

[Carrie]

You write it so well. It hurts.
Your dream was sad. What a horrible thought.

The hardest part for me in dealing with the pregnancies I lost was the feeling that I would be the only one that remembered them, and the fear that if/when I had a baby that lived I would forget the others too. Please know that we will never forget your little boy. I sent an email to my sister a few weeks ago on the anniversary of my last miscarriage and told her that I was having such a hard time reconciling my grief with the happiness and hopefulness I have about this current pregnancy. She said that was the amazing thing about the human heart...it's limitless in its ability to feel emotions concurrently...even if they contracdict each other. It's OK to mourn your lost son, it takes nothing away from the love you feel for your daughter. You can be thrilled about your impending arrival but that takes nothing away from the sympathy and compassion you have for those still left in the trenches.

[teamwinks]

You aren't alone in remembering the children we lost. I should have a house with almost five children right now. I would have a set of twins that are three and a set of twins that are two, and I would be nearly three months pregnant. Hard not to think about all that.

I hope the little one continues to stay healthy in there!

[Kinneret]

I'm so happy to hear all is well. It's hard, Thalia. The only consolation I get from previous losses is seeing my son's face each morning - it's almost as if his presence says "you went through all that to get me ... aren't I worth it?"
And my answer is yes, every time. I'd do it again, all over again, just to see that beautiful face.

And yes, my stomach looks like a patchwork quilt :)

[Nico]

There are so many things in this life I wish could be different. I wish you could have both your babies. Your little boy and his baby sister.

[Nico]

There are so many things in this life I wish could be different. I wish you could have both your babies. Your little boy and his baby sister.

[M]

I so understand your feelings. How can you not mourn the loss of any child. I am so happy you are where you are and can't wait for this little one to bless your Mother's Day year after year to come.

I am also glad to hear that all is fine after your scare.

[Jenn]

I almost wrote a very similar post today. I just don't have it in me though. Thinking of all of ours that didn't make it.

[Suz]

Thinking of the lost little one and all of the women still in the trenches today.

[Krista]

This post made me cry. I have been feeling sad all morning and couldn't understand it, after all I am 5 weeks from full term. But now I know, I am mourning the baby that didn't make it last year, and the twin that didn't make it in this pregnancy. I wouldn't give up what I have now for anything, but man.... I wish I still had those babies too.

[Mary Ellen]

Oh Thalia. I have been thinking of my lost little one all morning too. How can you not think about it? I am so happy that all seems well with this pregnancy though. xx

[Kay/Hanazono]

Remembering your little boy and the joy he brought you, even for a short time. Lots of love to you and H, sweetie. xx

[Aurelia]

I too want to hear the story about L&D. And of course, you are thinking about your son today. We think about all our lost babies as well as our living ones on days like this. Have a peaceful day, I'm thinking of you.

[Tinker]

We never forget the babies that we almost had, and I know that I often speculate what life would be like had they stuck around -- a dream-world kind of alternate reality.

[Kris]

My SIL lost a baby late-term, then several months later got pregnant with my niece. None of us can imagine life with out her, but she wouldn't be here if her sister had been born alive. We wouldn't trade her for anything, but we still mourn the loss of the baby girl we never knew. It isn't easy or straightforward and no one who has never experienced something like that would never really get it.

Thinking of you and your little boy today.

[millie]

Um, sliding that whole trip to L&D into that next to the last paragraph? Not nice. Leaving us hanging? Really not nice.

Thinking of you and your little boy and his sister.

[Sami]

I understand... and you put into words what I have a hard time doing... I'm with anonymous in worrying that once we have a "live" baby everyone will forget what we went through and what we lost. I remember - I may not know the sexes of the pregnancies I lost, but I remember the due dates, the dates of loss... and it's a haunting reminder of how fragile all of this is.

[tree town gal]

Thalia - thanks for your deeply felt post. I couldn't quite get why I was feeling so sad today, on mother's day. I've been a wreck. I have a beautiful 3.5 yr old daughter... but I'm missing the other two I lost. Either I should have 6 month old or I should be now, 14 weeks pregnant. I think about them, through the current motions of adoption - what if.... what if they had been OK. I understand and empathize with your post. And celebrate where you are now... Happy Mother's Day.

[waiting line]

XOXO

[Michael]

An emotional read, and good of you to share - you've obviously struck a chord with others here in the community. All the best -

[Tonya]

Yes, that is motherhood for me too. Remembering the ones we've lost along the way to the one(s) that we're blessed to have. It seems a constant balancing act.

Now, please, tell us about your trip to L&D. I know you said everything is fine but still, I worry.

[Bitter Mama]

You put it beautifully. Thinking about you and your son.

And I'm very glad to read in the later post that all was fine at L&D. Don't hesitate to go again if you need to.

[beagle]

Beautiful post.

It's good to remember our losses in all their variations, and hopefully each of those hurts lessen a little bit, in time, for each of us.

[Sarah]

that all makes perfect sense to me.

[Lut C.]

You don't need to excuse yourself for remembering the loss of your boy.

[KATHY V]

I came via the creme. I can understand how you would have hopeful anticipation and sadness at the same time. It is hard when your heart is torn between two places. Thanks for this post it was beautiful.

[KATHY V]

I came via the creme. I can understand how you would have hopeful anticipation and sadness at the same time. It is hard when your heart is torn between two places. Thanks for this post it was beautiful.

[KATHY V]

I came via the creme. I can understand how you would have hopeful anticipation and sadness at the same time. It is hard when your heart is torn between two places. Thanks for this post it was beautiful.