Just your average, every day post

Let's hope that the third time I attempt to write this post, I actually get far enough to post it, I keep having to rush off to put out some fire somewhere.

There is lots of good news to celebrate. The bleeding has been gone for about 5 days now and no further signs or spots. I did a fast 30 minute walk yesterday, and although I felt a bit crampy afterwards, the fetus seems to have come to no harm. I'm feeling fine other than getting regular headaches, which impede my ability to work but clearly aren't life-threatening. I listened to the heartbeat a few days ago and although it was a bit hard to find because mine kept getting in the way, I could hear it underneath and eventually got a good enough signal to luxuriate in for a minute or two. So thank you so much for all your support, we seem to have pulled through this time.

The bad news we received a day or so ago is that one of my colleagues's pregnancy has ended, at around 24 weeks based on my estimates. She just sent a very brief email saying it had happened and she didn't want to talk about it. I feel absolutely awful for her and her husband. I know many of you have experienced late losses, and I am perhaps only starting to appreciate just how appalling it must be, perhaps particularly when the baby is on the boundary of viability. I don't know what caused this loss, I just know it happened. I sent her a brief note saying I was sorry for her loss. And that's all I can do really. This isn't someone I know well, and she sort of reports to me so I don't want to impose on her or her privacy. Any suggestions as to whether there is anything else I could do?

It's made me reflect again on how differently I feel about pregnancy now than I would have done had we succeeded when we first started trying. Although I am a worrier, so perhaps it would always have been hard for me. But surely I would not have always been so acutely aware of everything that can go wrong, of Kay's loss at 20 weeks, of all of Patience's late losses, of Liana and Mason and Ziggy, of Manuela, Attila and Shoelet. And now my colleague. The losses don't weigh me down the whole time, I am happy often. I am sometimes even optimistic. I am revelling in thinking that we might have a baby in September. But yesterday night at Seder my cousin and her sister and all the others there were telling me how much they wanted to welcome our baby at next year's Seder, and how old did I think he/she had to be before they could pass on the burden of asking the questions from their own grandchildren. It was lovely, but it utterly freaked me out. It really does seem to be counting chickens. I don't really believe in tempting fate, and I do want to enjoy this, but I cannot forget how easily this joy can be taken away. It's not diminishing the joy I feel from time to time, but it is a millstone around my neck, constantly reminding me that happy now doesn't necessarily mean happy later.

I know this is utterly unoriginal, and has been written about ad nauseam by many others before me. But it's still my reality. I'm fantastically lucky to be here. I've had a really pretty uneventful pregnancy so far. Nothing seems to be wrong with the fetus. Long may that continue. Please let it continue!

Next OB appointment is on Thursday. I'm going to discuss the travel ban with him as I do really need to go to one meeting in the US in about 2 week's time. If he says no, well, then I won't go. But it will be tough.

14w5d

Comments

[Carol]

So sorry to hear about your friend's loss, that is just heartbreaking. I agree that we definitely do think differently about pregnancy because it took so long for us to get here. I am more aware of what can go wrong than I otherwise would have been, but I also think I am much more appreciative of what a miracle this is.

Glad to hear your bleeding has stopped, and hopefully you have a good update at the OB on thursday.

To answer your comment on my blog: I got the jeans at Old Navy.

I got this one: http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/product.do?cid=5852&pid=400255

And this one:
http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/product.do?cid=5854&pid=400251

The denim fabric is stretchy, so they're just super comfortable. I'm tall, so I got the long sizes. I normally wear a 12 - 14, and I got these in a large. They are a bit big in the waste still, so they do fall down a bit. But I'm sure I will fill that out soon enough. But otherwise, they fit absolutely perfect in the butt and the legs.

And I would be more than happy to ship them to you if you want some.

[Jo in Utah]

What a kind heart you have. My advice? Send them some flowers and a note. When we lost our private adoption, one friend sent flowers and it meant the world to me. Otherwise, it seems people seem to avoid a child that never "was".
Thanks for the update. Almost 15 weeks. Wow.

[maggie]

I am so glad you posted, I was worried about you (crazy how you can worry about a person you never met but now that I am a mom via adoption, I want everyone who wants a baby to be able to have one cuz it is amazing!!!) - I love that you have nothing new to add except you and baby are doing fine. My un-asked for,semi-jesting advise?? Dont fly, dont work out, just sit, sleep, watch tv, read, eat, watch the flowers bloom and put your feet up and let your husband/family/hired help DO EVERYTHING for the next few months. You so deserve that. So glad you are doing well! Maggie

[katie]

In my morbid way, after the first pregnancy I wanted to get to 20w. Because at 20w I would get maternity leave, even if I lost the baby.

I'm sure it wouldn't have been much consolation. That must be awful.

[Cat, Galloping]

I have a work colleague that just lost twins to around 22 weeks. I knew things were going badly in the pregnancy and I left a few emails/voicemails over that time period lettiner her know that I was familiar with pregnancy problems and available to talk... just to let her know that I "got it". She never really responded until a couple of months after the end, but I felt I was helpful... So keep reaching out!

[millie]

I'm so very sorry for your friend's loss. I think that I've also become much more sensitive to things like this because of some of the losses you've mentionned.

And so very glad you have so much good news to celebrate as well.

[Lut C.]

I'm so glad you've pulled through that rough patch. Wishing there will be no more of those.

Hearing of the losses of others hits home even harder right now. You're doing the right thing in respecting her wish for privacy. Even though you're no stranger to loss and sorrow, you're probably not the right person for her to talk to. Hopefully, she has others to turn to.
Flowers and a note can't hurt, as someone suggested.

About counting chickens, perhaps that is why I dread coming out at work. My colleagues will talk about it as if it's a done deal. Shudder. I've already experienced that 'normal people' can't cope with the level of caution I feel comfortable with. :-/

[Mary Ellen and Steve]

I am sorry to hear about your coworker's loss. I agree with the others that flowers and candy are a good idea.

So exciting that you are almost 15 weeks and that all is well so far. I hope that it continues to be that way Thalia!

[heleen]

Being a mum of an embryo, a fetus, a baby that's crawling around or even a kid driving around in a car... you'll always be worrying. Being a mum makes you more vulnerable than anything else. At 15 weeks chances are looking so good you will meet your little one. I don't know about flowers and candy for your collegue. Maybe save that for her birthday.

[luolin]

For every milestone that I set myself, I can think of somebody online who has suffered a loss after that (amongst "real life" friends, I only know about early miscarriages), so I keep worrying. Still, the ratio of worry to hope or optimism or just ability to plan has gone down. If that makes sense.

[Aurelia]

Actually as her boss, you can do a lot. SANDS UK has a lot of info on the right thing to say to a person after a loss. So do a lot of the perinatal loss websites. I often joke that I wish my workplace had distributed little pamphlets on "what to say and what not to say." Email something around, maybe links to websites that will help people "get it". When she is back in the office, she'll be grateful people are treating her nicely, and not like she has the plague. (I got the plague treatment by a few people, other were awesome, I still remember who was who, 8 years later.)

There will be a funeral with a 24 week loss. Make sure someone from your workplace goes, maybe a few of you. Trust me, this will be very much appreciated. Send flowers, and a donation to a charity (maybe the hospital NICU?) in their name, from the office.

I hope you are okay...just remember, focus on right now today having a live baby. Worry about September in September.

[Kellie]

So glad that the bleeding has stopped and that you are feeling well. I am wishing you months and months of average, every day posts.

[gemma]

so pleased for you - 14 weeks - wow! my advice...as in other comments ........take it easy, rest up , keep calm and go gently - that way you give the best possible to both your body and your little one's body too!

please don't fly - can you conference call the meeting?? save your body from the hassles of flying, being away etc!! protect yourself a little - you have the perfect excuse! blame it on little one!

as regards your work colleague -

http://www.uk-sands.org/ is full of info to help you.

do go or ask someone from work to go to the funeral - do send flowers - one of the hardest things for me was everyone not talking to me - probably cos they didn't know what to say. uncomfortable silences in the office when i went back to work.

can you send a thinking of you type card?

as the previous comment said, you can do a lot to prime other people in the office so that they know what to say when she does feel ready to return to work.

as for you - just try to enjoy each day - each day nearer meeting your little one for the first time - take time to pamper yourself and nurture little one ..... sure you'll make a fantastic mum come September!

[Watson]

Wow, 14 weeks!

I am SO glad the bleeding has stopped, T.

Take care of yourself.

[Sarah]

long may this healthy pregnancy continue indeed!!

you're so right, our perspective is tainted but what we've been through and what we've witnessed along the way. but i like your approach of staying happy about where things are now, despite being perhaps a bit more educated than your average fertile about what could happen down the road. there is every reason in the world to be happy for today!!

[fisher queen]

I still can't think of losses, even with the Bear in my arms. It's such a scary time. I think it sounds like you are handling it very well.

[Lindsey]

I'm sorry you have to have that millstone of knowledge and experience around your neck. I feel the weight of it, too.

I can imagine your colleague doesn't want to talk, but words and comfort sent via email or a note of somesort, something that doesn't require a filtered reaction on her part, would probably be appreciated beyond your realization.

I'm so glad that all is uneventful. So glad.

[Kay/Hanazono]

So glad for the good report on how you are doing! You and H must be so relieved that the spotting is over :)

I'm also glad that you are able to find some joy in this pregnancy. I know too well that that there are no guarantees, but that is even more reason to treasure each moment that you have reason to be happy. It's hard to chase the worries away sometimes, but those of us who have had late losses really are the exception, and I am hopeful that better things are in store for you, friend.

Also, I'm so sorry about your colleague's loss. I think that sending a card and a plant or something would be appropriate. The plants we received after our son died still mean a lot to us. Also, one of the women in my bereavement group said that one of the most meaningful gifts was a rosebush that shared the same name as her daughter. Oh, and I don't know if they sell Earth Mama Angel Baby products in the UK, but there is a "healing hearts kit" that our doula sent to us that really touched me (and that I used):

http://www.earthmamaangelbaby.com/healing_hearts_kit.html

You might also find this brochure helpful, since it deals specifically with colleagues:

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/resources_loss_grief_support_parents.shtml

Email me if you would like more grief resources (online or book).

Again, so glad that things are going well with you, sweetie. Lots of love to you and H. xx

[Adrienne]

I am so sorry to hear about your co-worker. Flowers and/or a note would be best - it's what we always appreciated when we experienced our losses.

And congrats on your current state of health! Glad to hear that the bleeding has subsided.

[tree town gal]

Glad others have provided useful, specific suggestions about the co-workers horrid loss. I agree that I was quite touched receiving a card.

Incidently, I am overjoyed to read this post that all is moving along nicely, uneventfully. Happy Pasach.

[Carrie]

Nearly 15 weeks, now that is exciting.
It must be hard to be positive all the time especially when we all know others who have tragedy in their lives. But that's what it is and not the norm, is just really hard remembering that.

As for your collegue, my heart bleeds for her. A card is nice, or flowers. To be normal and caring when she returns to work. I have never got over the people who knew and didn't even ask how I was doing, not a card or a word. They probably thought it for the best, get back to normal, not to remind me. But you never forget, even for a minute and those who didn't acknowledge my loss in any way are simply no longer people I can connect with. I've shut them out. Some were fairly good friends too.
The other part is more difficult. Trying to remember in the future. Dates can be hard as can events at work. We had a recent pregnancy announcement at work, with the scan passed round, not easy. At the end of the day I had a meeting with a collegue who I'm not particularly close to or open with. She just said... shall we leave the meeting, this must be a tough day for you. I can't tell you how much that meant, that whilst happy for the other girl she'd also thought of me. Most people forget there was ever a baby.

[Drew]

Hey Thalia
I am so glad to hear that the brown bleeding is gone. Of course during pregnancy you want to see absolutely no bleeding at all. Any little thing can freak us out. So I am so glad to hear your good news.
Take good care of yourself!

[stephanie]

T-so glad the bleeding stopped! As for the worry, I wish I could tell you that at X week it went away. I was worried until I brought Max home. And even now I obsessivly check to make sure she is breathing. Although I will say that at 30ish weeks I knew that there was an excellent chance for survival, and as morbid as that sounds, it did make me feel better. hang in there.

[lucky#2]

14w5d... that is a great date to read and to focus on even when you are surrounded by reminders of what "could" happen.

I dwelled too much on the what "could" happens and wished now I could go back and be more positive during my pregnancy. That is another thing that IF stole from me...the chance to relax and enjoy my pregnancy.

I so hope that you will get to a place where you can enjoy this pregnancy and think of the "whens" instead of "ifs"...

[Artblog]

Flowers, a big card, a gesture of some sort will be greatly appreciated. funerals are personal but asking her if she'd like you to go is a nice gesture.

There is not much else you can say, except that when she sees you, things may be uncomfortable, but on NO account avoid conversation with her or forget to ask how she's coping or if she needs anything, basically don't ignore her because you think she will feel uncomfortable at seeing you and your belly, I hated that, its just mean.

[Krista]

I am glad to hear the bleeding is over. I hated that, and it has made me paranoid again at times.

And although it is not original, the feeling of abundant caution is so real. My brother decided at 28 weeks he should buy us the stroller and the car seat we wanted. I was extremely grateful, but after he left I had to put it away in a place I rarely go to because seeing it freaked me out a little.

[teamwinks]

Glad to hear things are going so well!

I would let her know what it took for you to get this pregnancy. It would probably help her accept your growing belly a bit easier.

[Stephanie]

Congrats on hitting week 15!!

So sad for your friend....it's hard at any stage of pregnancy IMO.

[Utrus]

T, I hear you about worrying. But you are my favourite stats-maven and maybe you can try and focus on glomming onto the stats. They are in your (and my) favour. I know it's easy to find an example of things going wrong but I always try to think up a bunch of concurrent examples of things going right. Like I hear about the person who lost twins at 24 weeks, then I remind myself of the 3 separate people I just met who carried healthy twins to 36 weeks, etc.

Sorry about your workmate - I agree with that teamwinks said above. hugs.

[silene]

Glad to hear that things are going well for you these days! Hope you are enjoying the holiday (the matzah is already getting to me...)

So sorry to hear about your colleague's loss. I struggle every day to try to put all the bad things I know out of my head and just be grateful and happy to be pregnant now. Definitely not easy, but I don't want to look back and regret not enjoying this.

I hope you can figure out a way to stay grounded. Much better to remain safely on the ground if possible. That said, a close friend of mine travelled extensively (internationally) for her job up until only 4 weeks before she gave birth, even after suffering earlier losses, and the kid is fine and gorgeous. Good luck whatever the decision is.

[Anna]

So glad the bleeding issue is resolving, and I will still keep my fingers crossed.

I also held my breath a little until each milestone, and felt marginally lighter after 25 weeks, then 30 and so on. Then, once the little guy was here, I still worried! Oh, it never goes away, we just learn how to cope better.

Congratulations on 15 weeks! I am so happy for all three of you, and I promise I will continue to keep all crossable bits crossed for a healthy pregnancy and (gasp!) delivery of a healthy bounhing wee one.

[Rosepetal]

Thalia, I'm so glad your pregnancy is going well. Congratulations on 15 weeks.

For your friend, apart from SANDS UK, you could also direct her to the new Baby Loss Directory blog which has a great number of links in it. It has just been set up by mothers who have gone through stillbirth and infant loss.

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/

There are also links to many books on this site. When my son died, my brother sent me a couple of books, and this is also something you could do for her, actually send the book to her. This is a good UK one:

When a Baby Dies: The Experience of Late Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death
by Nancy Kohner (Author), Alix Henley.

Finally, my boss was utterly useless after my son died. I wish he had mentioned it more often or at least told me he was thinking about us.

[isabel]

You are so sweet, to think of another's loss when such losses must be very scary sounding right now.

It's hard to know what to say, when you're pregnant and she's not.

Anything you say will be appreciated, if not now, later. Your empathy and sensitivity will come through.

And I'm so, so glad the spotting has stopped. PHEW.