Getting over myself - and hopefully doing it quickly before the whole world is alienated

I've been aiming to write one of those big science posts for ages, as the last two issues of Fertility and Sterility have been quite jam packed with interesting tidbits. But it takes a while to write those kind of  posts and somehow I never seem to be able to carve out the two hours or so required. I do enjoy having a good debate about the science stuff, but I have to confess I was also hoping that if I wrote a couple of non-pregnancy posts it might alleviate my guilt at the pregnancy-obsessiveness, and encourage some of the currently absent bloggy friends to be interested enough to engage in discussion again, but perhaps not. Or perhaps the 4/5 posts on the page at any one time talking about pregnancy are too much.

When I got pregnant the first time I wrote the obligatory guilt post. And my good friend Pamplemousse told me to get over it and just enjoy being pregnant. I've tried to remember that this time. Because the guilt posts are perhaps a little patronising, no? It doesn't mean that I don't feel it, particularly when I read posts like this and the pain comes roaring back, but it does mean that I don't think I've found a good way to write about it. I also want to keep a record of this pregnancy, just as I've always wanted to keep a record of each cycle. So that I can look back and remember how I felt at different stages, remind myself of what it was like to see the heartbeat for the first time, that kind of thing. And my guilt, and a few posts I've read recently, have actually inhibited me from doing that for the last few weeks. I've worried about the people I'm upsetting, and I therefore haven't written the little posts here and there to record what's happening, what I'm feeling.

Damnit I'm writing that guilt post, and I didn't even mean to.

What I meant to say is that I think everyone here is a grown-up, and so can make their own choices about what they read and don't read, write and don't write. I think I have an obligation not to write dumb things without thinking about them, but I'm simply not able to ensure that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. The emotions in infertility just run too high for anyone to be able to protect everyone's feelings all the time. So I know that many people have stopped reading, or stoppped commenting, and although I miss some of those people, I know that they are doing the smart thing, looking out for themselves, and it's not up to me to play that role. This is likely to be my only pregnancy, for however long it persists, and so I need to ensure I write about it in a way that's helpful to me, without being an asshole (or too much of an asshole) about it.

That was a long pre-amble.

There is nothing to moan about here. I am 16w3d and my stomach sticks out, and it's not all fat, although some of it is. I have gained 14lbs already, which is too much. I had no idea I was gaining weight so fast, and I was already at the top of my weight comfort zone when I got pregnant. Or above it. In fact, I don't know how much of this weight is post-miscarriage and Christmas misery eating and how much is pregnancy, so all I know is that since I last weighed myself sometime in November or December I've gained 14lbs. Anyway, it's still too much so I need to watch the somewhat self-indulgent eating I've been doing. Not helped by the fact that I feel sick if I don't eat regularly, and there aren't always delicious low calorie snacks around to quell that urge. But really that's just an excuse, and I need to keep an eye on it as gestational diabetes is not something I'm particularly excited about dealing with.

The extra weight gain also explains my miserable experience in a maternity clothes shop last weekend where NOTHING fitted. I'm not that huge, people, although I am tall. But this shop is clearly designed for London's yummy mummies and it was not a fun experience, watching the tall willowy blonde with the adorable bump as well as the adorable toddler in a push chair, fiddling around with the lovely floaty green dress and being told by the assistant she simply must add a belt as it was just SWIMMING on her. It's great when lifelong size issues continue into pregnancy n'est-ce pas. I was not feeling at my most robust as I'd just had the worst waxing experience of my life, with a woman who just must enjoy inflicting pain. I'm not kidding, I'm an experienced waxer, but this was so painful that I actually yelled at her to stop part way through the bikini line. A week later I've still got bruises all along my groin, which beautifully match my clexane-ed stomach. Sexy? Not.

And the sex, well, a combination of fear, bleeding, more fear, and my husband's sexual issues mean we haven't had so much as a fumble since my birthday. And I'm feeling horny enough that I've had several sleep-gasms. Which I'd prefer to be having with my husband. But he's afraid of hurting the baby - even without penetrative sex, and so he keeps chickening out. It's not the end of the world but I do miss it, and wish the whole situation was easier for us. H's sexual issues have an interesting component which is that he feels more confident in his sleep. Several times over the last two years I've woken up around 2 or 3 am to him pulling down my pyjama bottoms or nibbling my breasts. It's quite sexy but hard to respond when you are actually asleep. He often doesn't remember it in the morning. But a sign of how his id has changed in the last few months? I woke up two nights ago to find him pulling down my pyjama bottoms, and...kissing my stomach. He kissed it a couple of times, then he rolled over and went back to sleep. It was adorable, although I'd still like some sex at some point.

I have moments of happiness. We have discussed things like what to do with the clutter in the room which might become the baby's. We have discussed names, a bit. We've thought about nannies versus day care, and live-in versus live off-site. We've spoken about what we should do for our holidays this summer. And about 10 minutes into any of these conversations I freak out utterly and we have to stop. But the time to freak out is getting slightly longer. The one conversation I have not been able to tolerate is the one with my mother about childbirth. I had to tell her to just stop.

I still have moments of terror. I had a lot of aching in my pelvis last week, and along with a reasonable amount of watery discharge (yes, I KNOW this is normal, but I'm crazy, remember?) got convinced it was incompetent cervix and we'd lose the baby early. I know this isn't likely, but it's just something to worry about. Listening to the heartbeat every other day or so helps. I've now found the one spot where I can always hear the fetus - to the right of my stomach, down low near the bikini line although off to the side. Hasn't failed so far. It's very, very encouraging.

I'm also emotionally all over the place (what do you mean, you'd figured that out already?). A couple of times in the last few weeks I have burst into hysterical sobbing for no good reason. Ok, last night it was because, in anticipation of watching Any Dream Will Do I was wandering the kitchen singing 'I close my eyes'. And H told me it was annoying. That breakdown lasted a good 10 minutes. I've always cried easily, but this is really silly.

In a few hours I'm getting on a plane for the first time in a month or so. The doctor thinks it will be fine. I'm sure it will be fine, but it's making me slightly anxious and slightly grumpy. Please don't think I don't know how lucky I am. I really, really, really do. But being lucky and feeling lucky doesn't put a moratorium on worry and grumpiness and anxiety.

Comments

[susan]

you are very thoughtful to be concerned about the rest of us but i wish you wouldn't be. i'd rather read all of your true feelings, unguarded. It is impossible to predict what is going to upset anyone of us anyhow. i personally love living vicariously through my pregnant blogger friends. no one has ever offended me except one person who gloats rather profusely and that is simply more yucky rather than truly offensive.

bring it on thalia....all of it!!

[Lori]

As usual, you said it so well with "But being lucky and feeling lucky doesn't put a moratorium on worry and grumpiness and anxiety." So true.
As for the sex - I'm sorry about that situation. It's a funny issue over here as well. Still. But I do hope it gets better for you.

[Cali]

Well written, as always.
I'm THRILLED for the "moments of happiness" but hate the other moments that creep in. And I love, love, love reading about you being knocked up.
so there.
xo

[Leggy]

I hear you on the crying easily thing- blame it on the hormones. And I hear you on the rest of it too. The worrying/obsessing just never ends. I thought being 25 weeks would help, but now I find myself wondering about pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, and whether or not there will be some big crisis at the end.

[Bea]

I'm a little light on comments at the moment, but it's not just pregnancy blogs, just in case that helps the guilt. Anyway, as you say, I'm a grown-up. Just warn me first if you think it might sting.

Bea

[Mary Ellen]

Please don't worry about us. As you said, we are all adults and we don't have to read anything we don't want to. You can bet that I'll be here though for the long haul.

[Aurelia]

I had so many things to say, and then I read the bit about about your husband's Id and fell on the floor laughing so hard, I think I peed myself inadvertently.

WE ARE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN! (At least bedwise...)

As for the waxing, I couldn't get any waxing done while pregnant, ever. I'm not sure if it was the heat or the skin sensitivity to the pulling or what, but I had to switch to other methods while pregnant. The pain was horrendous. On the other hand, you'll be overprepared for labour.

Oh, and the discharge is completely normal. If you weren't having it, I'd wonder what's wrong. Just start carrying around spare underpants in your purse...it becomes, well, copious at some points.

Enjoy your flight and don't worry about posting pregnancy stuff. We are grown-ups, and we can all read you or not, our choice. I choose to read you!

[Adrienne]

I love to read about your pregnancy. Truly. I'm not just saying that. I mean it. (Oh, damn, now it sounds like I'm protesting too much.) Seriously, it gives me hope that I may, one day, some day, be in your shoes again all the way through to week 40.

Best of luck, Thalia. And keep writing.

[Krista]

Oh there are other husband out there like that too? I thought mine was the only one. Although he adores my belly, and talks to the little guy every morning and night, he is terrified (TERRIFIED) to even attempt sex ever since I bled at 20 weeks. And that was ten weeks ago and damn it, even I am over it!

And you are right, it is easy to know how lucky we are and still worry our heads off about how much we now have to lose.

[Lut C.]

Recently, I've been looking at the books they hawk to PG women.
Some of them are journals, empty books with hideous sacharine illustrations.
I know I wouldn't write in them. My blog is my journal, in good times and in bad.
Besides, I don't feel comfortable buying too much stuff yet.

I hear you on the food and weight issue. I'm hungry all the time, and there's no nausea to slow me down. I try to eat a lot of fruit, but it's never enough.

Clothes shops and the dress sizes they carry are one of my pet peeves. Sure, I am not a slender person by a long shot, but on the street I see many women with my size. How come clothes shops don't cater to such a large group of potential customers? Makes me angry every time.
Really, I'm not looking forward to shopping for maternity clothing.

"But being lucky and feeling lucky doesn't put a moratorium on worry and grumpiness and anxiety." Exactly!

[Serenity]

Whenever I read a blog and find myself thinking "You're pregnant already! Enjoy it!" I begin to think about how *I'd* feel if I were in the same place as you.

Frankly, I think that the only balance I would strike between the terror and the hope... would be when I *force myself* to not be scared.

So I understand the fear. The guilt... well, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. You have been on a long road filled with pain and sadness too.

xxxx

[heleen]

Having sex while you are pregnant is important because once the baby is born chances are that you won't get any for a long long time. We never had "issues" but now we might do it once a month (if we're lucky) and as we're not doing it on a regular base all of a sudden we have sexproblems. How awful!

[alchemilla]

Silly sausage. (That's 'asshole' said within the hearing of a toddler). You've earned everything, Thalia, including the right to complain about pregnancy related stuff.

Oh no, hang about, you're actually supposed to limp (crippled with a form of survivor's guilt) through the entire 40 weeks and first year of babyhood. And you must refuse all drugs during labour too, just to show you realise how unfairly lucky you are.

Hon, there's not a single infertile who would judge you harshly (except yourself, sometimes).

[teamwinks]

Hell, I can't find normal clothes that fit. Can't imagine attempting to find maternity ones that do!

[Karen]

I'm right there with you on the pregnancy guilt. I can't tell you how guilty I feel about bitching that I have triplets. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't kill for that jackpot? Well, I wouldn't, but still...

Anywhozit, bitch all you want. It's your blog. As for the maternity clothes, I was well above my weight-limit/comfort level long before I got pregnant, and I'll never fit in any maternity-store maternity clothes. I can live with that. I'm sure you're perfectly adorable. At least you're tall! (I'm really short)

[Kay/Hanazono]

You are so considerate to think about those of us who are still waiting for a happy ending, but I agree with the commenters above who say that this is your blog and you should say whatever you need to say.

I have info for you on cervical issues, and will email you in a minute. Glad to hear that you have been able to have longer and longer moments of happiness. You and H deserve it, sweetie. xx

[PBfish]

Wow! I can't believe you are 16 weeks already. Time really flies.
It took me like 6 months to be able to say "I'm pregnant" without having heart palpitations. And I was terrified to buy any baby stuff. But, like you, I gained quite a bit in the beginning of my pregnancy (okay, the whole time I was pregnant) so I had to buy maternity clothes whether or not I was emotionally ready to deal with it. And I hated all those tall, willowy types with the cute bumps.

I think after wanting to get pregnant for so long, I was most surprised by my utter lack of enjoyment of being pregnant. I was too damn afraid of something going wrong to enjoy it. I wish I could take the fear away for you, I remember how awful it was.

Hang in there, enjoy the happiness!

[julie B]

I had to laugh re the incompetent cervix fears - although my donor egg pregnancy was progressing just fine, I decided my body would find a way to stuff things up - and an incompetent cervix was just the way to do it. Weekly scans until 28 weeks proved me wrong.
Achieving a pregnancy is the aim of every IVFer; achieving a birth is the next goal - we're here to support you towards that goal. [and then Stage 3 - no sex, no sleep and no rational thought!]

[Furrow]

I'm afraid I've been a bit obnoxious lately with the guilt/fear posts, but it's only because I wasn't getting any comments on the regular "I'm pregnant and happy and here's how it's going" posts. I thought maybe people were mad at me. But I think I'm just not a very good commenter, myself.

We can't second guess what a reader is going to think, so let's all just write what we need to when we need to.

[Stephanie]

While I think it's sooo sweet of you to be concerned with other's feelings, this is YOUR blog, and about YOU, not about anyone else....except baby and hubby....so write what YOU want to write. To remember, to vent, whatever!!
Everyone else just needs to wear their big girl panties and deal!

That said, pregnancy is sooo emotional, and you sound very normal!!
I LOVE reading the pregnancy updates....keep them coming!!!

[Caro]

Oh no I thought the TTC sex issues were bad enough (unable to orgasm on the most fertile day anyone?), you mean it might continue once I'm finally pregnant?

I love hearing about other pregnancies though and living vicariously through them.

[luolin]

Bon voyage. Maybe they have better maternity clothes wherever you're flying to. I think you have a good attitude about the blogging guilt. I know there were some things I couldn't read before and different things I can't read now.

[luolin]

Bon voyage. Maybe they have better maternity clothes wherever you're flying to. I think you have a good attitude about the blogging guilt. I know there were some posts/blogs I couldn't read before and different things I can't read now.

[cooler*doula]

Try not to worry too much about the weight thing... The whole 25 - 35lbs is a relatively new limit. Your body gains what it needs to. And it does come off.

As for maternity clothes... Seems to be a total lack of size standardization there. Try another store, and don't give the yummy mummies another thought.

[Nico]

I didn't wax, but electrolysis hurt like a MTHFR at certain points during my cycle, or once I was pg. Something about the extra hormones makes your skin that much more sensitive. Sucks!

The weight does come off afterwards, especially if you're breastfeeding. I know a few people who gained between 40-75 lbs, and they're all back to their pre-pg weight, or lower. (I'm currently 10lbs lower, without even trying - the extra calories that BFing takes, plus no time for snacking). I can totally understand that you don't want to put on so much so early, but it's not worth stressing about too too much.

[Vivien]

Just in case you thought I was one of those who had stopped reading or commenting . . . I am still here! And you are right - we are all grown-ups and really can decide when we don't want to know.

[Jenn]

Even while we were trying I hated when pregnant bloggers stopped posting out of guilt. To me it felt like they were moving on and us not lucky enough to be there weren't worthy to read it. I know that isn't how it is, but it's how I felt.

[T]

Ok, I'm going against the grain here and am going to say - worry about the weight gain if you want. Everyone told me not to worry, it'll come off, etc. - well, one year later and it's still not off - they lie! they lie!

I hear you on the guilt - I felt terribly, terribly guilty, but it did abate - and your husband is very cute.

[Sarah]

i always liked reading the success stories. it seems most of the pregnant bloggers feel they lose readers, but i wonder if it isn't just that some don't have as much to comment about not having been there, but maybe are still reading intently? and i think everyone telling the truth about their journey, wherever it takes them, does the whole infertility community a huge service. so thanks!

[millie]

I hope your flight went great and helped allay some of your fears. I'm sure you'll have other fears and that's ok.

I know I don't need to tell you that you shouldn't ever feel like you need to hold back, this is your place, blah blah blah, so I won't.

[julie B]

oh, and 2 other things - waxing hurts like hell when you are pregnant and breastfeeding does not automatically mean weightloss - only 50% [or 60/40, 40 /60 or something] lose weight while breastfeeding.

[elizabeth]

Thalia - I am so completely, unadulteratedly happy for you. Please don't feel guilty about being pregnant, enjoying being pregnant, or complaining about the annoyances of being pregnant. You embody hope. I am cheering you on!

[Betty M]

I love hearing that stuff is going well. It is also good to hear the grumpiness too. Have you started crying at adverts yet? I found that waxing was ok and even better that the hair just stopped growing for all the time I was pregnant so I only waxed three times in the time from ET to birth and two of those were for the docs' benefit. I stuck to the online maternity outlets mostly except for that French place which is good for long legs and the high st. You have probably found them all but I can let you have some links. The weight thing is weird - its not so much the pounds but the change of shape which has thrown me.

[lucky#2]

After all of the shit you've gone through to "fall pregnant," it is only natural to be worried about it! If you can't openly express your fears on a blog, where can you?

Our sex life was the same when I was pregnant. DH was afraid he'd hurt the baby! As for the weight...I am now working on losing the weight I put on in the first 16 weeks. Blah!

I am glad things are going so well for you!

[Carrie]

I feel you should keep a journal of your journey. I know I've found it hard to read of someones happiness, at certain times, when things have gone badly. The flip side of course is that this is a success story and that's what we all want.
I'm sure you would understand if someone couldn't read but that's really a decision for each of us to make on any blog.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, I keep wanting just to say "I hear you", but it gets a bit repetitive, somehow... Anyway, the thing about the maternity-wear place could have been written by me last week, when I finally broke down and bought maternity pants two days before I really really definitely did not fit into anything of mine any more. And I had to get the biggest size they had! All the other ladies were prancing around with lithe little figures and cute little round bellies. It made me feel quite monstrous, really. But still, I give myself and you credit for braving the place!

What H does in his sleep just made me tear up. I can't tell you how that touches me.

[OvaGirl]

Yeah I'm firmly in the "journal" camp. At the end of the day, the blog is for you and H and it will be a great record of this whole journey...

Yes, the fears and doubts...can't stop them, may as well write about them...

xx

[Frances]

I've learned you can't please everyone on a blog - if you look hard enough, ultimately you'll find someone offended by the most innocuous of commentary. With infertiles you've simply advanced further down the path than others. If those behind you don't/can't relate now, most soon will. You've paid some hard dues to get to this point - the last thing you should be expected to do is apologize for natural, normal feelings.
Big hugs as I've been there- and ditto on the sex life - I miss it as well.

[statia]

I think we all feel that guilt from time to time and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. However, I agree with the patronizing thing. I will admit, that I didn't feel much in the way of guilt in regards to my pregnancy. That isn't to say that I didn't feel badly for my infertile cohorts. But I think there's a difference between feeling bad and feeling guilty. In a perfect world, we'd all have made it through. I guess I figure that every time someone manages to make it through the trenches, it's richly deserved, as mine was, as anyone's is. I didn't feel guilty about that.

[Anna]

I cannot believe you're nearly 17 weeks! Incredible and oh-so-wonderful. I'd love for you to be as happy as possible with your pregnancy. There are so many things to worry about, what other bloggers might feel is just too much on top of everything else. I didn't feel guilty about being pg, but I did feel badly that more of us out there weren't getting there. Now I'm so happy for you, Kath and Leggy, just to name a few. I wish more infertiles could cross over, sooner rather than later.

I'm still keeping everything crossed. I will until everyone comes through this with flying colors. Have a wonderful day! :)

[Alexa]

I am so tremendously glad that things are still going well. I wish I could take away some of the worry, but I know that is probably impossible. I will tell you though--no need to feel guilty. We are all so very glad for you.

p.s. I'd still be interested in hearing about the scientific stuff sometime (still haven't gotten my own Fertility and Sterility subscription!)

[Simone]

Oh so Thalia.
How could we not love you? A lovely post in so many ways.

[starfish]

Hey Thalia - you accidentally came off my bloglines and I just realized I haven't been checking in on you. Just wanted you to know it wasn't intentional.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and sincere apologies for not saying so sooner. So glad everything is going well.