Dreams and reality

Flag: If you are feeling annoyed generally about people who are pregnant, let alone those who are pregnant and complaining, this is ABSOLUTELY the wrong post for you to read right now.

Things are  going well. I listen to the fetus about once a day on the days I am home. Unfortunately he's moved, so the trusty spot down low on the right hand side no longer works, and I have to scan across the middle of the abdomen, just below the belly button, to hear him. And it's not easy to find. However, I'm not panicking whenI can't find him, I just keep trying until I do. And when I do it puts a huge smile on my face.

Now onto the difficult part. You notice I said 'him' above. I'm fairly sure that the passenger is a boy. It's because of what I thought I saw, for about a milisecond, at the 13 week scan. There she was showing us the long legs the fetus had, and at the top I thought I saw some dangly bits, but she sped by really quickly so I didn't get the chance to be sure. H didn't see anything. Ever since then I've been fairly convinced it's a boy. The difficult part? I'm a bit sad about that. I have been dreaming about my daughter in what I'm sure is an unpleasantly narcissistic manner since I was about eight years old. I don't know why I was always so set on wanting a girl. I suppose it's about helping her have the childhood I wish I'd had, about sharing hopefully just the best bits of myself - the books I loved, the plays, the games. I know in reality it might not be like that at all. She might not enjoy reading, she might have a learning disability, she might be a real girly-girl, who knows. But I've been dreaming about it nonetheless.

I know in my soul that I will love a son passionately, and no less passionately than I would love a daughter. I just don't know what that love wil be like. I don't know what my son will be like. I know that realistically (see above) I don't know what my daughter would be like either, but I've been thinking about it for so long that I have the misapprehension that I do. A friend of mine told me that knowing that her baby was a boy really helped her see him as an individual, truly separate from her, while he was still in the womb. And she'd really enjoyed getting to know him without the burden of the expectations that she might have had for a daughter. That rings really true for me, but I haven't yet come round emotionally to truly accepting this, and embracing the baby as my son. Partly because I don't know for sure yet that he is a boy. Partly because I'm only too aware that I still might not get to meet him (please no). And partly because at some point, for a short while, if the passenger is a boy, I'm going to need to mourn all those images I had about my potential future daughter. Let's face it, it's unlikely I will have another successful pregnancy, so this is it. I need to make the most of it, and I need to let go of all those unrealistic and unrealisable dreams that I had, that I still have.

It's reminding me, now that I'm writing about it, of how I felt about H. He didn't fit my idea of the right man, the man I was going to marry. And it took me a year to realise that he was the right man, it was just that I'd had the wrong image in my head the whole time. So now I'm realising that whether the passenger is a boy or a girl, it won't be the child I've spent my life imagining, it will be him- or herself. I need to let go of those idealised images, and just let the child be.

I know this, and yet I also know that if on the 10th of May we have confirmation that the baby is a boy, I will be a little sad, and I will cling on to those dreams a bit longer. But I also know that this will be the child we dreamed of, no matter how different he looks from the child in those dreams. I'll just need time to learn to recognise him.

Comments

[pixi]

And you will. I too had "baby girl" visions for years and years. But now that my son is here, I can't imagine it any other way. He is my baby, my boy, my one.

It is hard to let go of the dream of having a daughter. But if you do end up with a boy, he'll fill your heart in ways that you might never have expected.

[JoAnne]

That was so me.
We wanted to be surprised, and then Dr accidently blurted out the sex when we had an U/S with the step kids.. I thought and dreamed I was having my baby girl. I spent the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy depressed and feeling horrible for feeling that way after all the crap we had to go through to even HAVE a baby. The hormones, the stress and then the depression.. Dear Lord..

You may yet be surprised.. but if not, the feelings that you will have when you finally have the wee one in your arms makes it all fade away.

I still want and mourn the girl I won't have.. but I would never ever ever trade anything for the little boy that smiles at me in themorning and says "Wub you Mommmy"

Please don't ever be ashamed to feel. It's normal and it is ok.

--J

[watson]

It is hard when you struggle so hard to get pregnant and have such a vivid image of one day having a daughter to all of a sudden consider the very real prospect of having a boy.

It must throw all of those mental pictures into question. But I love what Pixi said, that once her son arrived she couldn't imagine it happening any other way!

I am so glad everything is going well and that you get the reassurance of that little heart beat frequently, must be amazing!

And T, THANKS for your comment about my Beta numbers. Seriously, I was sweating bullets and your message really helped, I so appreciate it.

xoxo

[Heather]

I was the same way when I (finally) got pregnant. Only I wanted a boy not a girl. My feeling was I really wanted a boy because I myself have always been a tomboy. However, as the pregnancy went on I became more and more excited about having a girl.

And, as pixi stated, when she came into the world and I held her for the first time...it no longer mattered. She's my baby, my girl, I love her to pieces.

[Jenn]

I cried when they said they were both boys, then I felt like the biggest jerk for being upset about it after all we went through. I love my boys to pieces. But I still want a daughter and I'm not sure I'll ever get to have one which makes me sad. But not as sad as if I didn't already have two of the best boys in the entire world.

[susie]

From your post:

"A friend of mine told me that knowing that her baby was a boy really helped her see him as an individual, truly separate from her, while he was still in the womb. And she'd really enjoyed getting to know him without the burden of the expectations that she might have had for a daughter."

This was my experience exactly. Upon realizing this for myself (while I was still pregnant) I came to the conclusion that it would probably make for a healthier relationship than I would have had with a daughter.

And I was going to say that 13 weeks is early to be sure of the gender, but then I remembered that we found out at 14 weeks and the technician didn't have to say a word -- it was plain as day on the screen.

I love my son so much. I never thought I wanted a boy, but now I just think back fondly of those days when I "thought" I wanted a girl. :-)

[serenity]

Funny, I've always seen myself with sons - no daughters. And Watson put it perfectly, I think - after having such a vivid image of your little girl, it's only natural to feel a little wistful.

I do believe that it won't matter when you have your baby in your arms - he'll be your little boy, no matter what. Pixi said it very well. :)

[ksmaybe]

I just wanted share this post of Amalah's with you. You already know most of it, but you're not alone.

http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2007/04/on_having_a_boy.html

[Donnie]

Not to give you any "false hope" or anything, but when we had our anatomy scan, we had the tech write down the sex so we could open up the card when we were alone together.

I SWORE I saw dangly bits and thought we were having a boy.

I was wrong.

As the others have said, don't be ashamed of your feelings. They are so valid, and you already know they will resolve into the wonder of motherhood. So don't be afraid to embrace them now, and then watch them go as you move on.
-D.

[Suz]

I love how you aren't afraid to tackle the difficult feelings in clear, logical prose.

I'm still mourning that we won't have a daughter. We have two wonderful sons (twins), but as I'll be 40 next year and neither one of us are eager for another IVF cycle (who is, really?), that will be it. I don't think that the emotions are contradictory; I think that I can feel a little sad that I won't get to experience the mother-daughter bond without taking anything away from the love I have for my sons. I don't dwell on it, but I do allow myself to feel it when it appears. And I spoil my niece rotten!

However, in raising sons, I've gotten to experience something magnificent. They do relate to the world differently, I think. I don't feel that I really ever clearly understood boys, little or big, and now I'm getting to see them develop first hand. It's a wonder and a delight.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, I know from my own nephews that it is possible to fall spectacularly, amazingly, gut-wrenchingly in love with a little boy. It's as easy as falling down. As for daughters, it's the same -- but I do fear a little that it's difficult to separate one's own psyche from one's daughter, particularly if one projects a lot into her. I know my mother still has problems in that regard, as she's always seen herself in me. This was never a danger with my brother, although she always has been utterly devoted to him. So what I'm saying is, I will have to watch myself closely.

But I know utterly what you mean. And I think M will have to retool himself in a similar way to you, as I think he's always had this picture of himself with a little boy. But I have great faith in the power of instant and abiding devotion.

Whether it's a boy or a girl you're carrying, Thalia, I just know that that is one wonderfully lucky kid.

[Donna]

I've also spent my whole life dreaming of a daughter. I think for a lot of women (myself included) that comes from wanting to create a safe wonderful life for her, so different from my own. Plus feeling the intrinsic connection because, well, we're also girls. Boys are almost a different species! This little baby is so lucky to have such a caring, thoughtful, honest mother.

[Jeannie]

I, too, thought I wanted a daughter. Six months in I just knew it was a boy, and spent a great deal of time panicking about it. We have a 13 month old son and I could not be happier about it. I don't have a daughter, but I have heard those who have both say that the mother-son bond is different than the mother-daughter -- for me and my son, the bond is amazing.

I did my share of mourning over the 'loss' of the child I thought I wanted. You do need to acknowledge that feeling. But your little boy -- if he is indeed -- will steal your heart every bit as much as a daughter would have.

[Lut C.]

Well, you have dreams of life with your baby. That's a good thing, no?

I had a few dreams before IF hit. Over the past couple of years those dreams disappeared and they haven't really come back.

[Melissa]

When I was pregnant with my son, I had no notion of which sex I wanted, I really didn't care b/c I was so thrilled to be pg. But this time being pg with a daughter has caught me off guard. I "know" how being a mom to a boy is and when I found out this baby I'm carrying is a girl, it threw me for a loop. I was wanting my son to have a brother and it was what I pictured in my head, me being a mom to boys, talking about my sons, watching them play sports together, etc. I have no notion of what it will be like to have a daughter. I'll be finding out in 5 weeks and it's almost scary.

[Kristin]

Me and my husband, too, times too, and my sister, too. Wanted girls, were sure we'd have girls, had boys. I'm so glad we had the u/s and knew both times, so we could adjust to the knowledge. The boys are awesome individuals. Once they were out and people, it was impossible to imagine them any other way. Love them. Can't imagine life with girls, and am so relieved I don't have to deal with that Disney princess crap.

I did really like my girl name, though. It was my father's sister and my great-grandmothers middle names (Judith Mariah), and I was really sad that I'd never be able to use it. Still a little sad about that.

[PBfish]

Yeah. I felt this way too, felt guilty about it and then of course fell head over heels for my little guy. Still, it's something you have to work through, giving up the dream of a daughter.
You might want to read It's A Boy, a series of essays about mothering boys edited by Andrea J. Buchanan. Very good stuff. But take my advice and skip the essay entitled "Samuel" until you are done with pregnancy.
Like the others said, don't feel guilty for feeling this way. It's so incredibly normal and okay.

[Shell]

"A friend of mine told me that knowing that her baby was a boy really helped her see him as an individual, truly separate from her, while he was still in the womb. And she'd really enjoyed getting to know him without the burden of the expectations that she might have had for a daughter."

I *knew* from the moment the second line appeared that I was having a boy. No one believed me and literally everyone said I was telling myself it was a boy so I wouldn't be disappointed in case it turned out to be a boy. No one could imagine my having a little boy. I'd have a princess or no baby at all.

Guess what? He's a boy and I cried tears of joy at the ultrasound - the tech actually stopped and asked me if I was ok. Later that night my husband apologized for it being a boy.

However, I'm over the moon, he will get to be his own person. He won't be force fed the pink and the frilly and girlie that is me. He will be my son, but he will be himself.

I'm a little sad I won't have a daughter who will be the picture image of me, but in the end do we really want our children to be exact images of ourselves?

[Cat, Galloping]

All I can say is that when this baby is born, you won't even be able to *imagine* having the opposite gender.

[Summer]

My first thought after I read your post? How perfectly normal feelings for a pregnant woman to be feeling! And for that I'm happy for you. That you can contemplate, although wistfully, about having a son and the emotional ramifications of that fact.

If you believe that this may be the only pregnancy you will ever have, then why not indulge yourself in these feelings of sadness, too, and embrace this pregnancy with all the emotions that go with it.

[Jeannette]

I also had dreams of a girl when I was pregnant with my son. I even called the baby "she". I was in shock at the ultrasound when he was a he...lol...I cried about it too. But when I felt him move. Oh, my goodness...i finally realized there was a little person in my tummy. Little by little, I just fell in total love with him. I totally adored him from the moment he was born. You have no reason to feel guilt for feeling this way. Its totally normal. You can allow yourself to grieve for the girl you wanted. It doesn't make you a bad person and in no way does it mean you will love your son any less. And its true that little boys do have special bonds with their mommas.

Five years later I was blessed with a daughter. And I adore her just as much. When you see your baby and know he's actually yours, you will totally forget how you felt.

[Nico]

I guess I had a little different experience than most - I love A with all my heart and more... but I still am a little sad that I didn't have a girl. Esp because many of my close friends have girls. But at the same time there's no way I'd trade Ant in, he's such an amazing, joyful, spontaneous person - another of those conundrums we call life, I suppose.

[Simone]

I can honestly say I don't care if our child is a boy or a girl. I never envisioned myself with either. I just hope it's not a squirrel.

[heleen]

All my life I thought I was gonna have a girl. And even a psychic lady once said that she saw me with a daughter. At the 13 weeks scan we saw dangely bits very clearly and at the 18 weeks scan I was so relieved that I had a girl too. One of each in stead of two boys.
But now... The love of a mum for a boy is really something special! It's true that your relationship with a babygirl is different that with a babyboy. (At least when you are heterosexual, I am curious how this works for lesbian ladies and their sons) And ofcourse in the future when they grow up the differences will be clearer, more defined also by the things you do together.

Just letting you know that I really understand your feelings, brave to write about it too! Just suggesting that you might come out surprised when you meet him, see him, smell him. And are you really really sure that you won't get another one?

[Tinker]

Thalia, you've just written the post straight out of my head from when I was pregnant with my son (including the part about the husband!). I too, dearly wanted a girl and a large part of my pregnancy after confirming that we would have a boy was tinged with disappointment.

That boy-fetus just turned two and I wouldn't trade him for any girl on the planet! You already know that this will be the case for you too, and you should be allowed to mourn the (potentially) lost dream of a girl, but I'm finding that little boys are particularly attached to their moms, and I'm really enjoying that. I love him to bits and today am so very pleased that God/fate/the universe knew better.

[Liz]

This post reminds me of how I felt when I heard we were having twins. I prayed that one be a girl and not two boys. I felt guilty about it but kept longing for a girl. I was relieved and happy to learn it was one of each. I never imagined how much I would love my son until I held him in my arms. I can't imagine my life without him.

[Carrie]

It's only natural to feel this way when you've spent so long hoping for a daughter, and he could still be a she! I think the others are right. The moment he, or she, is born they'll be your child and that'll be all that matters.
I've read a lot of your archives lately (especially the run up to IVF 1) but I hadn't read the story about you meeting H. It's a lovely story and I'm glad you found each other.

[Betty M]

Thanks for sending us back to read the story about H as Carrie says it is lovely. First time out I had the same feelings about wanting a girl and given that I thought she would be the only one I was very glad that the scans revealed that she was. Now being blessed with a boy as well I have realised that it makes no difference the love is overwhelming. I still needed to know in advance though.

[Megan]

I wrote a very similar post when we found out Gabriel was a boy. I'd always wanted a a girl, and just assumed we would have one.
I posted about it and found out how normal my feelings were. Beavergirl recommended the BEST book to me, called "Its a Boy" Its a book of short stories/essays written by mother's of sons. I highly recommend it. Just be sure not to read the story about Samuel until after your baby is born. http://www.amazon.com/Its-Boy-Women-Writers-Raising/dp/1580051456/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-2690638-9056027?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=117

[Megan]

Here's a link to my post about finding out G was a boy (pulled out of my archives just for you! : ) )

http://infertilemidwife.blogspot.com/2006/02/balls.html

And I forgot to say in my earlier comment that even though I never quite got over my disappointment during my pregnancy, the moment he was born, I completely forgot all about it. A friend mentioned it to me when he was about 6 weeks old and it actually startled me, I had forgotten it so completely.

Before he was born it irritated me when people told me that someday I would look forward to playing with trucks and "boy" toys when I was mourning the fact that I wouldn't be buying smocked dresses. But they were absolutely right.

[artsweet]

I really struggled with this. My wistful girl-baby dreams are still there - alongside the way more wonderful reality of my Guatebaby.

[Meg]

Thalia - I'll add my voice to the list of people saying they felt the same. So did I. I was a little disappointed, and more afraid that i wouldnt know how to raise a boy... Like you, I thought I knew what type of girl I'd get. Silly.

But now he is here, I cant even envision what a girl might have been like. I literally am unable to imagne anything different.

[Meg]

Oh and the other Megan recommeded a book called "It's a boy" - my friend bought me this... it is great, pointed out that there are so many different types of boys, and really helped me to embrace the journey I wasnt expecting. Lovely stuff. Worth buying if you are proved right at the 20 week ultrasound.

[B. Mare]

This post really resonated with me, because it wasn't until we found out we were having a girl that I was really able to admit to myself that I would have felt a certain amount of disappointment had it been otherwise. I just felt so guilty for even daring to have a preference after all we had been through. So I am glad you are able to talk about it openly- I believe it's very important for "pregnant infertile" women to know that they don't have to forego every normal pregnancy emotion just because of the struggle it took to get there.

[zarqa]

It's a bit funny reading posts like this. Sensing the guilt that comes with admitting such a thing and then the sense of relief reading the comments and knowing that neither you nor I are alone.
I felt that first tinge, that minor 'oh.' upon learning we were having a girl. Mostly because I'd always imagined myself with a houseful of boys devoted to me. Don't boys love their mommies more than girls do? Don't they have fewer expectations of their mothers? Aren't they more independent quicker and less needy of constant emotional affirmation?
And eventhough I know that we can never replace the boy we lost and I wouldn't want that even if we could, the fact that now, at 39, I'm having a girl, who very well may be my last chance, hammers home the fact that my boy, the idea of "my boy" may be gone forever.
But these thoughts lasted only a short while. Before I knew it I was remarking idly to the husband,"we're having a little black-haired girl; will her hair be as black as mine or less black like yours or somewhere in between?" And I thought of dresses, ballerina outfits and fairy costumes for school.
Now, at 28 weeks, I'm firmly in love with this little girl inside me and can't wait to meet her.

(and as a bit of a response to your last post, no, I'm not blogging about my pregnancy, nor even widely announcing it. It's not so much guilt as it is fear and superstition, not really knowing what to do with my thoughts. Should I be keeping a published record? Should I be getting over myself and sharing my pregnant infertile apprehensions? Maybe I will eventually, but right now it seems safer to lay low and calm my anxiety by just reading about others' anxieties:)

[Claudia]

You'll be fine, no matter what the gender is. If it is a boy, consider it your introduction to the world of adjusted expectations that is parenthood. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to mourn that it's not a girl, though. You've got as much right as anyone to wish & hope for a girl without feeling guilty about it.

So glad you've made it to this point and that all is going well!

[Eva]

First, thanks so much for your comment on my blog and mention of the Lawson book. I've been obsessing about food allergies in my little boy all week and it's great to read that someone describes a similar experience that didn't have lifetime consequences.

On the boy/girl thing... not that I'm saying anything that hasn't been said before... when I had my u/s and the first babe was a boy, I felt a tightening in my stomach (not just a kick), and relief when the second was a girl. I always knew I'd love my daughter. But I've been amazed by my love and adoration of my son. I now understand my MIL better because my boy lights up my world. And when I look at my daughter I worry about future mother-daughter battles but I imagine mothers and sons have less of that (well, not just my imagination, the research backs me up here). I've even grown to like buying boy clothes, which always seemed dull to me.

[Sarah]

oh i really like your comment about the husband. that's such a good point, for most of us i don't think we end up with the man we imagined was right for us, but i wouldn't want to have any other man!

it is so true that you basically have to redefine what you always imagined, and that kind of readjustment is never simple. it makes total sense and there's no reason to feel bad about it. it's probably just the first of many reality adjustments we face when we find out what parenting is REALLY like. maybe it's good practice!

[David]

I love the blog that you have. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and in return I would do the same for your blog. If you want to, my site name is American Legends and the URL is:

www.americanlegends.info

If you want to do this just go to my blog and in one of the comments just write your blog name and the URL and I will add it to my site.

Thanks,
David

[Urban Chick]

don't feel guilty: every woman dreams of the child(ren) she will have

and you certainly shouldn't feel more guilty because the road to getting pregnant was so tough

♥
UC

[rockmama]

I had the same feelings when I believed that The Prawn was going to be a boy. I was concerned that I wouldn't know what to DO with a boy- how to raise one, how to love one. I knew that I WOULD love a son, but I found it hard to change gears mentally, as I'd always dreamed of having a little girl. I couldn't SEE my son in my head, like I could see my daughter.

It's totally normal to mourn the loss of a long held ideal. You KNOW you'll adore your passenger, whoever he or she turns out to be, but it's fine to acknowledge that you feel sad about not getting your daughter. The sense of loss will all be a distant memory on your son's birthday. :)

[Aurelia]

I hesitated to answer this one, because I wanted girls, or a girl and a boy and I've ended up with two boys. Two boys I love and adore, for themselves as people.

I tried again and we got pregnant twice with healthy girls and miscarried them both late. After that, I'd love to raise a girl, just because I've raised boys and having the different experience would be amazing. But I'm afraid that my body miscarries girls. No logic or science to back it up. Weird, huh?

And I am hoping for you that this is not your last chance at a child, odds or no. :)

[stephanie]

T-thank you for expressing this in such a honest way. I think we all make ourselves feel so guilty for expressing any dissapointment or uncomfortableness with pregnancy when we struggled so hard to get there and there are so many still struggling. i think we all need to give ourselves a break.

I wanted a girl, but I was afraid to express that. So I convinced myself that we were having a boy. I thought that if I thought it was a boy, then I would not be dissapointed with a boy. When they pulled out Maxine though, I realized how much I had wanted a girl. I wish I had been honest with myself, it is OK to have a preference. But I do know that you will love your son (or daughter) with all your might. and I dare say, you will raise a son to be a fine man!

[lucky#2]

Somehow I have a feeling that the minute you hold your son, you'll be amazed at the amount of love!

Honestly, I think these feelings are the reason that it is important to find out the gender if you can! Then, you have a few months to deal with your "wishes" and fall in love with your child...danglebits or not!

[Motel Manager]

I sympathize with this. When I found out I was having a boy, though, one of my friends gave me a list of reasons why boys are great, which I now present to you. 1. They will always love their mommies. 2. You put less pressure on them since they are "other" than you (as you mention). 3. They are more energetic at first, but they get easier, and by about age 10 you will be very glad you don't have a girl. 4. You can force your husband to do the sex talk. 5. They can be cuddlier than girls. 6. You will spend less money on outfits.

Looking forward to the actual determination of the gender!

[teamwinks]

I think sometimes infertile women beat themselves up over actually having a preference, because after all they worked this hard to get a baby (and now you're getting picky?) We shouldn't have to feel that way. Ha, I said we. Well, I guess that's just me saying, we as a community. Why should you have to change what you've always wanted? Just sayin'.

[Frances]

My whole life I too thought I'd have a girl. Even S did. And here we are, soon to have 3 boys...and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
When your son looks at you, whispers "mama," and buries his head in your chest while he hugs you, you'll be thinking "girl, schmirl - what was I thinking?"
But seriously, it's okay to feel a little sad about it. You'll get over it quickly though when he gets here (if it is indeed a "he").
Hugs.

[Silene]

I hear you on this - both my husband and I want a girl, and yet for the moment we've decided to wait until it gets here to know what it is. My only concern with that plan is that somehow the joy of a birth will be overshadowed. After all we went through to get here the thought of any disappointment intruding into that moment makes me shudder. Of course there's still time to change our minds and get the info sooner... and I'm not worried about loving a boy less than a girl, but like you said, I've been thinking about that girl for so long that it's hard to believe she doesn't already exist, or may never. Hope you can find some peace with whoever shows up on your scan!

[just another jenny]

All of my friends looked at my ultrasounds and said it was a boy - they were all wrong. I hope you get your dream come true.

[fisher queen]

The Bear was his own person from day 1. I learned really quickly that so much of this is about learning who they are rather than what we want them to be.

But I still look longingly at the cute little girl clothes...