6dp2dt: absence

Well yes, this is kind of a: "move along, nothing to see here, people" kind of post. This time last cycle I had suggestive cramps and shiftings in my abdomen. This time, nothing. I hope that doesn't mean anything, but it's freaking me out. I do so want this. My intellectual self is assuming that feeling those cramps meant nothing last time and would mean nothing this time, but my human brain, trained to recognise patterns and draw conclusions from them, made a connection between those sensations and getting pregnant, and it's not budging.

I ask myself how things could have been better this cycle. Yes, I could have not fainted etc., but that's really got nothing to do with my chances of getting pregnant. We had the most eggs, and the most embryos we've ever had, and number of eggs retrieved is correlated with pregnancy rates. We had the best possible embryos for day 2, and the characteristics of those embryos are linked to pregnancy rates. Four cells is ideal on day 2, and ours were graded almost at the top of the range because of their symmetry and lack of fragmentation. A 1 is top, but our embryologists say they don't often score any embryo a 1, so I shouldn't worry that ours were 1.5s. After all, we got pregnant last time with one that was graded a 2. And I'm choosing not to link the fact that at some point around six weeks it stopped growing, with the grading on day 2. I don't think embryology is as exact a science as that.

So I don't think we could have started off with a much better chance than we did on Thursday last week. Of course, I could be 5 years younger, that would help. Or I could not have endometriosis...or...

Yes, that's not really very helpful, is it?

I spent time yesterday with a friend who is very much of the school of: I will take whatever direction life sends me and just react accordingly. She and I laughed about how different I am. I am raging against an apparently indifferent Fate. Fate doesn't want us to have children? Screw you, Fate. Thirty years ago we would not have had the option of intervening this way in our fertility, and we would have moved towards adoption much sooner. Thirty years ago I don't think (although I don't know, I haven't investigated) people knew so much about how hard adoption is and how many challenges it creates. But we're not living 30 years ago, just like I'm not 5 years younger and living without endometriosis. We're living now and I'm absolutely going to wring the last possible drop out of the medical advances that have happened in that time, to try and help us get our heart's desire. If this cycle doesn't work, there will be another cycle. I don't know when, as I don't know how to help my body prepare for it. Between the zoladex and the miscarriage I've only had one 'normal' period since February this year, and presumably at some point my body's going to freak out on me. If two more cycles don't work, well, then I'll have to listen to Fate perhaps.

It's all very mystical isn't it? The invisibility of what happens inside us that causes our bodies not to produce eggs in the first place, or not to welcome our embryos once they're inside us, or to miscarry our developing future children? Nothing us rationalist 21st century people can do to make sense of it or to affect it. Perhaps that's why we resort to such un-rational language - the language of Fate and Hope and Luck and Wishing. If only those last three worked just because they are felt by those around us. With all the support we give each other, we'd all be there by now.

I'm off to bury my head in the sand.

Comments

[Newbie]

hang in there sweetie. playing ostrich is just what it takes sometimes...

[Pamplemousse]

That is exactly why I resort to the language of f*** and c*** and b*****.

Remember, it is the drugs ;)

[Vivien]

I guess in the end we all just have to deal with what fate throws our way - but there is every reason to fight back with what we can throw back at fate!
Keeping it all crossed for you. Don't give up on it yet!

[stephanie]

I teeter between fate, hope, luck and rotten stinkin biology. I figure I can at least counter biology with biology. I hope you have beautiful biology this go round.

[beagle]

Oh, how I can relate. We just keep trying. What else is there?

Hang in there, the waiting is an agony at this stage.

[beagle]

PS

Surely you've noticed: Fate, Hope, Luck and Wish are all FOUR letter words.

Coincidence? I think not.

[Sarah]

I agree, Screw fate! Hang in there and my fingers are crossed for you.

[Jen]

Thinking of you, and hoping hoping hoping that you are able to command your own good Fate this time around.

[becky]

I too am twisting in the wind of suggestive cramping/just my imagination/doesn't mean anything/why do I mostly feel it in the evening/please let this time be the one. The Motel Manager, who is a good friend, had no symptoms this cycle, and look at her. Symptoms mean squat.

[Krista]

Yeah I agree, head in the sand is the way to go! I am hoping for you though, because it is so much easier to garner hope for others than it is for yourself.

[Kay/Hanazono]

Laughing at Beagle's P.S.!

Hang in there sweetie, keeping everything crossed on this side of the world.xxx

[Jennie]

if i cross any more body parts I'm going to need surgery to pee seriously i'm that contorted for you. I do so want this for you (see i avoided wish hope pray)

[Lori]

Screw Fate! Symptoms mean nothing at this point. Of course, I had worked myself into a twist when at 4dp5dt, there was not a symptom in sight.
Keep your head in the sand and in the meantime, I'll be hoping with all I've got that this cycle is a success.

[Lisa]

Great thoughts. The demarcation between science and fate is blurred I believe. Sure, the scientific school of thought is embryos, regardless of how high quality they scale prior to transfer, are 'not robust enough' if they don't implant. Maybe true but does it take into account the host of other factors like age, lining, stress from the fertility meds? At this point it's so easy to be in hyperscan mode looking for any sign of implantation, or something similar to what one experienced with a previous positive...what a bitch trying to sort logic/intellect from emotion. Hopefully you'll pull your head out of the sand soon. Meanwhile, I'm wishing you the best possible news. Hang in there.

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

I personally don't believe in fate. I believe in Free Will. (more four letter words true, but added together they equal eight!! ;) )

Anyway, I am the last person to be talking about not reading into past cycles. Ahem....

BUT, let me just say, that in my August FET cycle, I was convinced that nothing at all was happening as I really had nothing much for symptoms until finally 8dp3dt rolled around!

6dp2dt is really very SUPER early. I say continue with ostrich/sand position for at least 3 more days! :P

When you come up for air -- will you POAS?? (Sorry I can't recall if you POAS for your last cycle or not?)

Wishing you the very best for this cycle.

Take care,
Nilla

[Summer]

I'm with you. I am at my best when things go as they're "supposed" to and do as they're predicted. But how many times has that happened in my life? Maybe, once. Maybe. And, how many really super great wonderful things have happened even when things don't happen as I expect? I don't have exact numbers, but I know it's lots more than once.

That's just my wordy way of saying, I hear ya and try to hang in there because it's not over yet.

[Julianna]

Hang in there, sweetie. You are doing so well and have come so far.....if wishes could make things better, then things will be better for you this time around.

So many people are sending you good wishes.

Hang in there.

[Sparkle]

Okay, so we've had 6 cycles - every transfer was grade 1 embryo or embroyos - from Day 2 to blastocyst. None have taken.

Not saying this to freak you out - because my view is not that the embryologists weren't accurate, more that they had no way of knowing if these embryos were Grade 1 the day AFTER transfer.

We've had every dna/immunology thing ruled out (slight raise in ACA's), so that's not the issue.

More to the point for us was that we never had any embryo survive to freeze - our clinic only freezes Day 6 (not sure I agree with this philosohpy anymore).

But the point is, that alone indicates that we didn't have 'good embryo or egg energy'.

So while anyone here will say they'd take a grade 1 any day - we all know that a grade 2 can become grade 1 overnight etc. It's not worth worrying about.

BTW, I also think it's waaaaaay too early for any cramping etc.

[Flicka]

I wish this wasn't such a suckfest for all of us but especially for you. Enjoy the nice, dark sand and we'll all be out here hoping our heads off.

[Drew]

Hey Thalia

Hang in there - don't get too caught up with the pains and cramps or general symptoms because they vary every cycle. II will be keeping my fingers (and everything else) crossed for you.

[soralis]

Thaila... good luck and hang in there!

[Jo]

Thaila...

Am keeping everything crossed as well and hoping for the best outcome from all of this.

Do what you need to do to keep your sanity. (or what's left of it at this point)

[k #2]

There is NOTHING wrong with keeping the hope going strong right now. If we didn't have hope, how could we continue on this IF journey?

I frequently wonder about what would have happened to me 30 years ago and am so thankful that I, too, told Fate to F*** Off...I want to pave my own journey!

[elecriclady]

That's the thing that gets me--the ultimate unpredictability of everything IF. Yes, you can get the odds of everything as good as it gets--top-notch embryos, plushy lining, hormones excellent, etc etc--but at a certain point science leaves off and total random luck seems to take over, doesn't it?

Hoping with everything I've got that this is it for you, Thalia.

[MELISSA RAINBIRD]

HELLO ANYONE OUT THERE HAD SUCCESS WITH A 2 DAY EMBRYO TRANSFER WHICH WAS ONLY 2 CELL, I KNOW MOST ARE 4 CELL AT THIS STAGE BUT HAS ANYONE HAD A BFP WITH A 2 CELL 2 DAY TRANSFER. I AM 41, AND THIS IS OUR 3RD AND FINAL IVF, MANY THANKS MELISSA