10dp2dt: White as a sheet

Thanks sweeties for yesterday. I always go to the archives of other people's sites when this happens to me. Julie's, clearly, from my message on Thursday, and also Suz's because she had the negative peestick experience before getting a positive beta. But the thing with those is that Suz clearly had a crap bunch of peesticks, and Julie got a positive at 8dp3dt, so my continued negative today isn't really terribly encouraging. Last cycle I got a positive at 11dp2dt, and it was a bloody clear positive, so much so that it would clearly also have also been positive the day before, and almost certainly the day before that.

I did a lot of despairing yesterday. So far today (it's only been 35 minutes) I'm holding it together. I'm saving the bitter, why us, what-the-hell-is-going-on-here post for after the beta, just in case. But you see the thing is that I knew I wasn't pregnant this time. I knew I wasn't pregnant on the first cycle, too. And last time, despite my fears, I knew that those cramps and pullings meant I was pregnant. When I took that peestick on the morning of 11dp2dt, although of course I was terrified, I knew it was going to be positive. Yesterday when I took that peestick I knew it was going to be negative. Of course I hoped, of course I did, but I knew. Funnily enough, the knowing doesn't stop the despair, it isn't any protection, but it's true nonetheless.

I do understand the 'Hope's a bitch' thing better now. We can't help hoping, it's human nature. Otherwise why would we go through this over and over again. And you all know how hopeful I was about this cycle, having got pregnant last time. I honestly don't think the hoping makes the disappointment worse. It's always just going to be totally horrible, investing all your emotional, and most of your physical, energy for months, to end in nothingness. Not hoping just means you're miserable leading up to being even more miserable. But when you have to stop hoping, you feel like an idiot for ever having hoped at all. I think that's where the bitch thing comes from.

I did tell H last night, and he was devastated. I always forget how much pain he carries with all of this too. I looked at Megan's birth pictures last night, and I saw her husband sobbing with joy, and I thought, that should be what H gets to feel, too. Instead of the other kind of sobbing. He didn't sob last night, he just got teary and offered me lots of hugs. The only time I've seen him sob is after the bad scan in our pregnancy, the one at 7w1d which showed there was no hope. At least this time we didn't get that particular crumb held out to us.

Okay it does sound like the self-pitying why-us post that I wasn't going to write. I think I have to stop and go and soothe myself some other way. Luckily a few weeks ago I ordered a couple of recent Doonesbury compendia, and I'm only halfway through 2002. That man's a genius. I'm off to laugh at George Bush's sayings again (no offence).

Comments

[Vanessa]

Love you, Thalia.

[heleen]

Strenght & courage Thalia. Thinking about you.

[Louise]

Nothing I can say except that I'm really really sorry.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, you were my first thought this morning, and my first hope. I'm so very, very sorry.

[Pamplemousse]

Maybe you have some crappy peesticks too? I am trying very hard to suppress my anti-pollyanna at the moment for you as it is not a definite no until the beta. Be good to yourself and H and make the most of the weekend that is left.

[Meredith]

Oh, honey, I am so, so sorry. It is amazing to me that we can live through the repeated dashing of hope in such a horribly painful way. You and your husband will know that incredible, tearful joy of having your child. You just have to. But, in the meantime, this is unbearably unbearable and I just wish that I could somehow make it right for you. I'm just so sorry.

[Larisa]

Oh Thalia - I didn't comment yesterday because I didn't want it to be true. I am so sorry and I wish it could be different. Take care of each other. And laugh at George all you want.

[Sheryl]

Please don't give up yet Thalia. Wait until your beta. I did the nasty peestick at 13dp3dt and it was negative. My beta proved the nasty peestick wrong. So I'm not giving up hope for you yet. Maybe Pamplemousse is right, maybe you got some crappy peesticks?

[pixi]

I also woke up thinking of you, hoping that your disappointment would end today. I'm very sad to find that it hasn't. It's just not right that you're kept suffering like this.

[Lori]

Another person over here with you on their mind at wake up. I'm so very sorry for you and H.

[amanda]

I'm so sorry, Thalia. Thinking of you so much.

[DD]

You're right about Hope: if we didn't have it, we would all have given up a long time ago. I keep a little tucked away for safekeeping. I'll be sure to give it some sun today to see if it will grow enough to send your way.

[Betty M]

Damn and blast. I had really hoped this would be your time. Pee sticks are the devil. So very sorry. The beta may tell a different story - I hope so. With my daughter I bet my 46 beta would never have shown up on a pee stick 10dp2dt.

[annmarie]

Thinking of you...I pray your beta tells a different story. (And it's perfectly fine to laugh at George Bush...)

[Summer]

I'm sorry. I'm at a loss for words. I am thinking of you and Random.

[Krista]

I hate negative pee sticks. I'm so sorry Thalia.

[Kay/Hanazono]

Oh, I'm so so sorry that today didn't bring better news. Holding out hope that things will turn out differently by beta. Thinking of you, sweetie xx

[electriclady]

I'm so sorry.

[watson]

Thalia,

I am so sorry. But I am hoping perhaps the sticks are wrong and you get different news from the Beta.

Speaking of that, you expressed it perfectly when you wrote: "when you have to stop hoping, you feel like an idiot for ever having hoped at all." And like you said, waiting for news without hope is probably just as bad. Navigating our way through this morass of emotions is one of the hard parts of this whole, horrible, draining process.

And if you need to feel self-pity and the why-me's you are entitled! And PLEASE, if laughing at W. can bring some levity to you then by all mean -- at least he might be good for something!

You're in my thoughts T!

[MoMo]

Thalia--just want to say I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug.

[KIMMER]

Thalia,
So damn sorry, I'm hanging on to a little hope for you, but I've always known with each of my failed cycles that it didn't work. I think because of being pregnant before. You just kind of know. But, anyway hanging on to that god awful bitch of hope for you and thinking of you!

[Megan]

Oh Thalia, my heart hurts for you and for H.
I checked your blog first thing this morning, hoping to see good news. I'm so sorry the stick was negative.

[Crystal]

Thalia, I am so very sorry sweetie. This really does suck.

[millie]

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. And glad my country can at least provide you with something to laugh about. It hurts me too much to think about it much, but you should go ahead.

[waiting line]

so very sorry. it's amazing how you seem to "know" what's coming.

thinking of you.

[Jennie]

I've sat trying to work out what to say, I have come up with the following ....

I'm sorry so very sorry I want you to be wrong but sometimes we "do know" our bodies and sometimes pee sticks speak the truth and that just sucks.

[Hoping]

hang in there.

[stephanie]

Thalia, I am so very sorry. and what you wrote about H really struck me. I hope for happier days for the both of you.

[Annie]

Hon, I'm so sorry. But if you don't mind, I'm going to continue to hope that your beta will tell a different tale, since I too am an eternal sucker for Hope.

[fisher queen]

Laughing at George Bush ought to make anyone feel better.

If you don't mind, I'll continue to assume we know nothing until your beta. I hate those damn sticks.

[Suz]

George Bush is good for a laugh, at least. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this again....and am thinking of both you and H. I always felt the need to protect George. Men, I think, take bad news differently, but just as hard.

[Anna]

Oh Thalia, I am so sorry. I want to tell you to hold on for the beta, but I also always say to trust your instincts. I do still hope that your beta is a good one. I really want this to work for you. I'll continue hoping for you. We're thinking a lot about you here. For what it's worth, the first positive pee stick I got was 4 weeks after conception, and it was so faint I thought I was seeing things. Still keeping everything crossed. xoxoxo

[Lisa]

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I'm thinking of you.

[spark]

I am so sorry about the negative pee stick - they suck. Hope the beta turns out with a different result.

[Nico]

I am so sorry that this seems to be another failed cycle. It is just not right. You're in my thoughts.

[Elizabeth]

Thalia . . . I am so sorry. I am thinking of you, and still hoping for good news from the beta.

[Nicole]

So sorry Thalia, I understand the 'knowing'. You know, but you still hope the stick will tell you something else. Hang in there, one of these will stick. You make great embryos, you just need the right protocol to make them stick!

Feel better and just spend some nice conforting time with hubs.

[Motel Manager]

Oh, that totally SUCKS! It is ridiculously unfair, and I hope that better fortunes come your way very soon. I will be thinking of you.

[beagle]

Thinking of you. I know it hurts. I know what you mean by you just "know" . . . and of course if you are wrong we will jump for joy right along with you.

In the meantime sending you support and hope for better news in the near future.

[susan]

i'm waiting for your beta, my dear. keep the faith.

[Leggy]

I'm so sorry- I was hoping yesterday was too early. And maybe there is hope, but I respect how well you know your own body. I'm sorry...
And now for some assvice. Have you given any thought to doing a cycle of frozens before doing IVF #4? Its less stress on the body, and sometimes that may be just what is needed. I just keeping thinking about Amanda @ Manana Banana- I really didn't think her last frozen cycle would work after all she'd been through, but now look at her.

[DinoD]

Thalia, I've been keeping quiet as I always think I am the last person anyone needs to think about during an IVF (being the big failure and all).
I am so sorry that it looks like a negative - I hope it's okay if I still harbour at least a little hope this cycle isn't a bust.
DinoD

[sube]

Sending you strength, Thalia. I'm still hoping for you.

[sylvia]

My heart aches for you and your husband right now. I wanted so badly for this to be your time, you deserve it so. Every time that I got a negative pee stick, I sort of died a little death and it seemed that it never got easier, but harder. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and that my thoughts and prayers are with you both.

[Drew]

Thalia I am so sorry, I hope you and H have a well deserved break and find the strength and determination to try again. My thoughts are with you.

[Simone]

*sigh*
I'm sad.

[Sparkle]

I'm so sorry, but I don't want to offer too many condolences yet, unless it's still too soon.
Hoping it is.

[LisaGray]

This sucks. I know what you are saying about hope. It's so hard not to, yet sometimes you just know it's not going to work out. We get knocked down and we get up again (to quote a song) but every time it gets harder and harder. I am thinking of you and yes, I'm still hoping...