Last night I dreamt...

...that somebody loved me. No, sorry, that was just for Pru and Pamplemousse's benefit.

Last night I dreamt that we went back to the clinic. Actually just I went back to the clinic. One of the embryologists was there with my mother, looking at my ultrasound pictures (not sure how they did them without me but somehow this didn't matter in the dream). They handed me a newspaper article - it looked like the Daily Telegraph - which had a detailed "artist's impression" picture showing my embryos and where they had implanted. That's right, embryos. One had implanted high in the left wall of the uterus - which is where we saw our gestational sac on Tuesday. The other was hard to see but it was right down near the cervix. "That means placenta previa," I noted to the embryologist. He nodded sagely. The embryos were drawn in a vaguely humanoid shape, surrounded by vasculature, and the wall of the uterus showed similar detail.

I then had a conversation with my mother who was very angry about something. She had donated her eggs, but I hadn't used them, and something had gone wrong with the egg collection procedure and one of her ovaries had been messed up. She was in a bed in the middle of the clinic. I tried to resolve things but we didn't quite manage to.

Then I left the clinic and went to meet one of my teams. They were having an outing at a castle. I was clutching the Daily Telegraph article, and kept looking for other copies of the Daily Telegraph to buy. It was a hot day. I realised that I'd left the clinic without knowing if the embryos had a heartbeat. I thought it would have been pretty cruel to give me that newspaper article if they didn't have a heartbeat, but still I really wanted to check. So I was alternately calling my mother and the clinic to try and find out, but no one was answering.

At some point my team wanted to climb up to a burial mound on the top of a very steep hill so I decided I wouldn't join them. I wandered off through the town and came across my sister-in-law to be (not either of my current SILs) who was looking for a place to get married outside. One of our family friends had a great house in this town we were in, with access to a communal garden, and this SIL was scoping it out. She decided it was not for her, but not before we'd spent time in this friend's house, who turned out to also be some kind of cousin with lots of family photos arranged on her piano. The SIL decided to get married somewhere in the US. I'm still trying to call the clinic.

I was very much involved in the dream. It had seemed totally real despite the wierdness. I believed it. Both embryos. Twins. Sometime after that I woke up. And it wasn't true.

Comments

[Alchemilla]

How slowly time passes. Bloody typical that when you need it the most you can't do stuff to relax (wine, massage are what I missed most).

Not helped by the news on the Today Programme this morning - HFEA urges women to opt for single embryo transfer. It makes me so angry the way that IF/IVF issues are reported in the press.

Keep busy this weekend hon. I'm hoping in a very controlled and low key fashion for 40% to come good next week.

[Beth]

What a stressful dream, Thalia. I won't even put on my Jungian hat on this one, I just know you have so very much on your plate. I'm hoping for good news for you - like Alchemilla, I am still holding out for the good 40%.

[Sandy]

Thalia...I have been completely selfish and self absorbed of late, and so am just getting caught up with you now. Per usual, I have no assvice ... just lots of strengthening thoughts being sent your way. Breathe in ... breathe out.

[Flicka]

Dreams like that make reality so much worse. It's so hard to shake them off. Please be good to yourself this weekend, as much as you can. You're in my heart.

[Vivien]

Hmm - agree with Alchemilla - I'm afraid I shouted abuse at the radio this morning.

Still thinking of you Thalia. Last time you dreamed negative things which came true - perhaps there is still a chance of a positive outcome. I so hope so for you.

[Jenny]

It is hard to wake up from something like that. In my experience it stays with you for the day, playing at the fringes of your mind. I wish there was something any of us could do to give you your dream back. There are people thinking of you and praying for you all over the world. I am so sorry.

[Mary Ellen]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are in my thougths.

[Alli]

I'm thinking of you - and wishing you a more restful sleep tonight!!

[soralis]

Thinking of you and sending you a big hug. Take care.

[Amyesq]

Sending you strength this weekend.

[Leggy]

Gotta love those whacked out pregnancy/progesterone dreams. Hope you have fun plans to keep you occupied this weekend. I'm sorry you are in this awful holding pattern- it really does suck.

[Pamplemousse]

Aaaw, sweetie. You know that Morrissey can cure most things but I am not sure if he is up to figuring out this dream ;)

You are obviously just so upset and things are weighing on your mind. I am thinking good thoughts for you and whatever the outcome is next week, you will pick yourself up and get back on the horse. Maybe not immediately but you will. I know you will.

[sube]

How hard it is when even your dreams taunt you. You're in my thoughts and my heart.

[MoMo]

Thalia--I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish we can fast forward time and you can know what is going on. Hang in there! Thinking of you!

[Mellie]

Thalia,
Such vivid dreams can be debilitating. I'm holding out hope for you.

UNIVERSE - BE GOOD TO THALIA, DAMNIT!

[Summer]

I know this is little consolation and doesn't make this time any easier for you, but you continue to be in my thoughts day in and day out.

[fertilityfauxpas]

I know how hard it can be waiting to find out if you've beaten the odds or not. I'm hoping with all that I have that you will finally get some reassurance and that everything will be fine next week. You are in my thoughts...

[Donna]

The waiting, oh God, the waiting. I'm sorry your subconscious isn't making sleep a refuge for you.

[Ornery]

I'm sorry I have not commented sooner. I've been reading your posts, but have felt reluctant to comment because I just keep waiting and hoping for the next post to describe how it was a false alarm and things are back on track.

I am still waiting and hoping for that post, but I had to leave a comment when I read about your dream, because it is all too familiar for me. During my last pregnancy, while I was waiting for the next ultrasound to confirm a suspected miscarriage, I had so many vivid dreams, either horrible nightmares or extremely hopeful and happy dreams. When I awoke, I honestly could not tell you which one was more emotionally draining.

I'm thinking of you.

You dream in amazing detail. Thinking of you during the agonizing wait.

[Nicole]

I hope this dream means your body knows something. I am sorry this is so hard. I wish there were a magic wand that I could just wave over you and make it all better.

Hang in there, it isn't over yet. 40% is better than 0. Hold on Buffy!!

[Molly]

Still hoping for the 40%. Still hoping.

I enjoyed the Smiths reference too. I heart that song.

[millie]

So sorry that time must not seem to be moving at all for you. I'm also sorry I haven't caught up with you until now. But I'm hoping for the 40%.

[k #2]

Thalia -please know that I am thinking of you. Hang in there...

[Sarah]

Time moves far too slowly. I am thinking about you and hoping with all my heart that you are on the right side of the percentage. Take care!

[heleen]

Wow, technicolor hormone dreams...

[Isa]

HI THALIA... I'm here, legs up, coughing hope...
After 2 ectopics and 1 miscarriage my Husband and I decided to do IVF. I read all your blog and feel so much connection with you. I began bleeding yesterday after a migraine that made me puke twice. I should have the pregnancy test done on monday, that, if I don't die from crying before then. You seem to know so much about the topic I ignore! can you enlighten me please, I beg you. I had 2 embryos, assitedly hatched, implanted about 11 days ago. They had 8 cells. The doctor felt so positive because implantation seemed very fast. I have no idea if I am having a miscarriage of one or two embryos, or the bleeding is caused by something else. Can you tell me your opinion? Can one of them die? Can one of the embryos be saved? The blood is very red! Help Me...

[Lut C.]

Oh Thalia, I wish I knew what to say. Or even just distract you for a few seconds.

I'm thinking of you.

[Avonlea]

Thalia, it's no fair when there's no respite in sleep. I do hope you can find some time and a place to relax and unwind (if possible), before the next scan.

As I said before, I still believe 100% in this cycle, that this is a success. I hope the second scan confirms my gut feeling (if not, I will promptly get a new gut).