7 days, 7 years, what's the difference?

Thanks for everything yesterday, everyone. You are the best. I'm worried that what I'm about to write is going to be self-pitying and ungrateful, so please either cut me some slack or skip this post, probably you should just skip through to next week in fact.

The chances of a successful pregnancy if you don't see anything in a gestational sac at 6w1d are low. They are not zero, but they are low. Yesterday we saw a big, oval gestational sac. That's all we saw for about 5 minutes. After lots of looking around for another sac, looking at the ovaries, focusing up and down, zooming in and out etc., we saw a smudge. A smudge that the sonographer measured and said: that might be the start of your embryo. It's not like there was something clear in there that was just too small. There was maybe something that was like a needle in a haystack to find, and could have been the wall of the sac just in a different plane. Frankly, I don't think the sonographer was sure that it was anything. It's not like she pointed at it and said - there's your fetal pole! She found it just before she was going to give up and measured it for the hell of it. We did not see a yolk sac.

Although the sonographer and the doctor I spoke to in the afternoon (bloody Dr Candour is on holiday AGAIN) both said not to give up, just as you have, it is hard not to despair. I tried to push the doctor to be realistic with me but she kept saying that it was common, although she would not say how common. What I know is IT IS NOT A GOOD THING. It may not mean it's definitely over, but it isn't in any way a hopeful sign. If something does show up next week with a heartbeat, it will be a slow growing embryo, much behind where it should be. That's not good. Don't get me wrong, an embryo measuring not too far off for dates with a heartbeat next week will have me jumping for joy. For at least five minutes until I start freaking out again.

Although after much googling I have not found any statistics (just a lot of articles about Wayne Rooney's foot (try googling: "six week scan" and see what comes up) and a lot of articles by people who can't spell on message boards saying things like: "we had no hrtbt at 6w or 7w and then at 8wks we saw an embryo although the doctor says its too small. The doctor says I'm going to miscarry but I'm trying not to be passamistic (sic) I'm trusting in Gd for a miracle. Don't give up") that say what the chances are, I'm betting it's below 10%. Thank you to everyone who has had this happen to them, Jenn, Nikole and Wendy (on a message board about my hospital). And Catherine, thank you for posting all that information. It does make a difference to know that there is some chance. But even that information said that we should have seen a yolk sac. We didn't.

The fact that there is a chance, however small, makes more of a difference to H than to me. Perhaps because it's a small chance and my life with infertility so far hasn't revolved around being lucky with statistics. He is just that bit more optimistic than I am. I guess it's not hard. And my experience of this cycle so far is that you all have been right to keep on hoping at each stage, when I seem to be floored by disaster as soon as it appears, however vaguely, on the horizon. Either way, it seems much more likely to me that the universe is fucking with me and H again - like Leggy's experiences with blighted ova. Does one blighted ovum a path to donor eggs make? I'm not ready for donor eggs. The whole experience yesterday was so cruel because actually, although I was terrified, I had decided that there was no reason to expect bad news. That the statistics were on our side. That I could hope. Last time I do that.

I did, of course, torture myself yesterday, and it seems that almost every other blog than those mentioned above had a heartbeat at the equivalent stage. Julie's pregnancy with Charlie, Pru's pregnancy, FisherQueen and Lori's recent pregnancies. I'm not posting any more because it's making me cry. If you look through each blog (and I had a good go at this yesterday) you don't end up with much succour.

I'm already calculating when I could cycle again. Probably September given my conservative clinic. I'm figuring out how we could do the Zoladex treatment again and if I'll need another lap. I am sending off my pack of info to Big Guns clinic this week. I'm very not ready to give up, even though part of me feels that I should. I have always always wanted to be a mother. I don't understand why the universe is making it so hard for me, but I am going to keep going until something makes it abundantly clear to me that I just have to find a different path.

*UPDATED TO ADD*

Finally had a no-holds barred converstation with a doctor, in this instance Dr Gorgeous. She agreed that the lack of a yolk sac was a problem. She thought that the fetal pole was a fetal pole, and that 3mm was 'ok'. The size of the gestational sac was good. She said that it was too early to tell, but that next week's scan would be definitive. She put our chances at 40:60 (after much pushing), where 40% is the chance of things going ok next week. At least now we know.

Comments

[Flicka]

I wish I had some wise or comforting words. Or that I could be there to give you a hug. You're in my thoughts.

xo

[Sparkle]

I don't know if it's good or bad to be given the percentages - because I would take 40% anyday.

Sorry this is so hellish - will keep my fingers crossed.

[Kris]

I'm just catching up. I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I'm really hoping you fall into the 40%. I wish this wasn't so difficult for you.

[Kinneret]

Thalia, I'm hoping you're in the 40% with all my heart. *hugs*

[Beth]

Thalia, I am late to the game, but wanted to let you know that I am sorry. Its just so damn unfair to have to walk the statistics tightrope so often. I'm not the kind to get all shiny, happy on you and tell you to hold on to hope - because, like you, I want the cold hard facts. I will, however, hope for you, even when you feel you can't. I wish there was something I could do to make everything different; easier - instead I give you my ear to listen.

[Nico]

I really don't think I can add much to what others have already said. Except that you and your little one are in my thoughts, and I am hoping so hard that this time you do get to be on the good side of the odds.

[Avonlea Spring]

I'm just catching up after a long day - into night, I hope I'm still coherent.

I don't know anything about where you are physically, but statistics - well they may be valid, but whatever is true for you is true for you despite the statistics. It seems to me that getting pregnant with endo is very difficult, you researched, you advocated for yourself and you did it - that's huge. You found a winning forumula for your body - that's major. It seems too soon to tell to me, I wonder if your doctor didn't just give you what she thought you were looking for with that statistic?

It could be that it will all work out - that's what I'm trying to say long windedly - but why not stay with the possibility that it will work a little longer? Maybe it's time to give up the googling and obsessing? Or does that sound too much like just relax?

I still believe in this for you - this cycle.

[Mary Ellen]

Thalia, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am hoping that everything is fine. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

[daysgoby]

I'm in no postion to blow sunshine at you - but surely 40% is a pretty good number? MUCH better than, say, 5%, right?

I'll hope for you.

[StellaNova]

I had 2 blighted ova, picked up during our scan at 7 weeks. My HCG levels were the clue that my doctor needed to tell him that my pregnancy was not going to last and I had a D&C a week later. However, he said that the fact that they implanted meant that he usually had much better outcomes with future cycles and eventual pregnancies.

I don't know if that helps you at all and I hope more than anything that you have a better scan next week, but I felt the best thing I could do for myself was planning forward and anticipating the next step rather than sitting and waiting in blind hope. It didn't make it less painful but it kept me from sinking into a seriously depressive state.

The optimistic husband really can't be avoided, although that served its purpose for me as well. Even though you hardly know me, I'm thinking of you. This uncertainty space is seriously CRAP. Take care.

[Meg]

Thalia - I was so sorry to check in today and see your news. i hope you're ok. x

[Julie]

I know it's hard to be hopeful--one way of easing the pain is to expect the worse. I'll try to be hopeful for you during your wait until next week. Take care of yourself...

[Mary Scarlet]

Thalia, I think you are wise to be adamant about getting a realistic appraisal of the chances of this going well, even as it breaks your heart. This is hell. I am thinking of you both.

[Claudia]

Fingers crossed that the time passes quickly and you are indeed one of the 40%.

[Frances]

Thalia, here's what my doc said about an u/s being done before 6.5 weeks:
http://abeautifulday.blogs.com/a_beautiful_day/2004/12/my_date_with_th.html

Before that, it's just still too early to tell anything. Hang in there. This is an awful time, I know. I pray you wind up in that 40%.

[Jamila]

Thalia, I'm thinking of you and hoping fervently that you fall within that 40%. Hoping even more fervently that you just get resolution soon, instead of being stuck in limboland.

[Megan]

Hi Thalia,
I just wanted to let you know that I went through my early u/s pictures last night and when my gestatational sac was measuring 6w3d, there was no measurable fetal pole. 6 days later there was a fetal pole and heartbeat that was actually too faint to measure.
If these kinds of stories aren't helpful, please feel free to tell us all to fuck off.

[Meredith]

I've just returned after being out of the country and am catching up on you. I was so, so sorry to read all that has happened. I am holding out all of my hope for you, but I also know those feelings of alternating hope and pessimism and dread and ache and all that comes with not knowing. Many hugs.

[pixi]

Every day must feel like a year right now. I'm sorry that you have to be dealing with this now. I hate that you do.

[Tessy]

I'm so sorry for your worry and fear. I did want to tell you that when pregnant with my daughter (following to miscarriages) we saw nothing at my 6 week ultrasound. Then, the tiniest of blobs. No heartbeat. No yolk sac. I don't know what it measured, but the following week there was a yolk sac and heartbeat. I know how hard it is to keep hoping especially when you've been crushed by that hope before. Perhaps we'll keep hoping for you.

[UtRus]

look at all the comments, Thalia. do you know how important you are to this commuity? extremely. so it's that much more poignant to see you going through this. i am not going to tell you to hope and i sure as hell am not going to tell you to stop researching (yeah right! LOL) but i will tell you that you display and incredible amount of pragmatism and strength and you will get through this, no matter the outcome. i hope you fall on the right side of the stats soon. you deserve it.

[Elizabeth]

Thalia, I can't imagine how difficult this week will be for you. I am thinking of you, and hoping, wishing, praying that you will land in that 40%.

[sube]

I've been offline for a few days and missed your last post. I'm so sad this is happening to you. I know it's going to be a long wait until your next ultrasound. I'll be hoping for you the whole time.

[elle]

Sorry, Thalia, missed this until today. FUCK! I'm sorry it's been so stressful. But, it's not over yet. I'm hoping hard for you.

[T]

I wish we could speed up time for you (and while we're at it toss in a healthy pregnancy). Good luck - will be thinking about you. Oh and don't give up if you have the physical, emotional and financial means - persistance sometimes pays off.

[Linda]

I am starting to hate your sonographer. This limbo is just wretched. But I am the eternal optimist and I am not giving up hope for you Thalia. Not a chance.

[Vivien]

Thinking of you Thalia, I am sorry you are in that horrible limbo area.
Good luck with the next scan I suppose if statistically you always fall into the 'exception' category, that could be a good sign.

[millie]

I know all too well what that hoping thing can do to you when you feel like you really shouldn't be hoping. I also know just how hellish the limbo can be. I hate that you know all this right now too. I just hate it.

I wish there was something I could do and all I can do is send my love. And hope for you. And hope that 40% becomes all of our favorite numbers.

[Kellie]

I'm sorry Thalia. I will keep hoping for you and hope that you fall on the correct side of the statistics.