7 days, 7 years, what's the difference?

Thanks for everything yesterday, everyone. You are the best. I'm worried that what I'm about to write is going to be self-pitying and ungrateful, so please either cut me some slack or skip this post, probably you should just skip through to next week in fact.

The chances of a successful pregnancy if you don't see anything in a gestational sac at 6w1d are low. They are not zero, but they are low. Yesterday we saw a big, oval gestational sac. That's all we saw for about 5 minutes. After lots of looking around for another sac, looking at the ovaries, focusing up and down, zooming in and out etc., we saw a smudge. A smudge that the sonographer measured and said: that might be the start of your embryo. It's not like there was something clear in there that was just too small. There was maybe something that was like a needle in a haystack to find, and could have been the wall of the sac just in a different plane. Frankly, I don't think the sonographer was sure that it was anything. It's not like she pointed at it and said - there's your fetal pole! She found it just before she was going to give up and measured it for the hell of it. We did not see a yolk sac.

Although the sonographer and the doctor I spoke to in the afternoon (bloody Dr Candour is on holiday AGAIN) both said not to give up, just as you have, it is hard not to despair. I tried to push the doctor to be realistic with me but she kept saying that it was common, although she would not say how common. What I know is IT IS NOT A GOOD THING. It may not mean it's definitely over, but it isn't in any way a hopeful sign. If something does show up next week with a heartbeat, it will be a slow growing embryo, much behind where it should be. That's not good. Don't get me wrong, an embryo measuring not too far off for dates with a heartbeat next week will have me jumping for joy. For at least five minutes until I start freaking out again.

Although after much googling I have not found any statistics (just a lot of articles about Wayne Rooney's foot (try googling: "six week scan" and see what comes up) and a lot of articles by people who can't spell on message boards saying things like: "we had no hrtbt at 6w or 7w and then at 8wks we saw an embryo although the doctor says its too small. The doctor says I'm going to miscarry but I'm trying not to be passamistic (sic) I'm trusting in Gd for a miracle. Don't give up") that say what the chances are, I'm betting it's below 10%. Thank you to everyone who has had this happen to them, Jenn, Nikole and Wendy (on a message board about my hospital). And Catherine, thank you for posting all that information. It does make a difference to know that there is some chance. But even that information said that we should have seen a yolk sac. We didn't.

The fact that there is a chance, however small, makes more of a difference to H than to me. Perhaps because it's a small chance and my life with infertility so far hasn't revolved around being lucky with statistics. He is just that bit more optimistic than I am. I guess it's not hard. And my experience of this cycle so far is that you all have been right to keep on hoping at each stage, when I seem to be floored by disaster as soon as it appears, however vaguely, on the horizon. Either way, it seems much more likely to me that the universe is fucking with me and H again - like Leggy's experiences with blighted ova. Does one blighted ovum a path to donor eggs make? I'm not ready for donor eggs. The whole experience yesterday was so cruel because actually, although I was terrified, I had decided that there was no reason to expect bad news. That the statistics were on our side. That I could hope. Last time I do that.

I did, of course, torture myself yesterday, and it seems that almost every other blog than those mentioned above had a heartbeat at the equivalent stage. Julie's pregnancy with Charlie, Pru's pregnancy, FisherQueen and Lori's recent pregnancies. I'm not posting any more because it's making me cry. If you look through each blog (and I had a good go at this yesterday) you don't end up with much succour.

I'm already calculating when I could cycle again. Probably September given my conservative clinic. I'm figuring out how we could do the Zoladex treatment again and if I'll need another lap. I am sending off my pack of info to Big Guns clinic this week. I'm very not ready to give up, even though part of me feels that I should. I have always always wanted to be a mother. I don't understand why the universe is making it so hard for me, but I am going to keep going until something makes it abundantly clear to me that I just have to find a different path.

*UPDATED TO ADD*

Finally had a no-holds barred converstation with a doctor, in this instance Dr Gorgeous. She agreed that the lack of a yolk sac was a problem. She thought that the fetal pole was a fetal pole, and that 3mm was 'ok'. The size of the gestational sac was good. She said that it was too early to tell, but that next week's scan would be definitive. She put our chances at 40:60 (after much pushing), where 40% is the chance of things going ok next week. At least now we know.

Comments

[LEB]

Thalia, I just got back (I was thinking about you all day yesterday), read these last two posts and said 'FUCK'.

It might be okay, but you know that & hearing that it has been okay for other people will only help with hindsight if everything is still okay for you at 12 weeks (sorry that makes no sense I'm struggling today).

Re the blighted ovum, my first pregnancy was a BO, it doesn't automatically equal donor eggs.

I don't see how anything you've written in either self pitying or ungrateful.

[Alchemilla]

Oh you poor darling. Take care of yourself.

[Robber Barren]

Thalia, I have nothing to say but "take care." And: I'm so, so sorry.

[Juliet]

Thalia, I'm still hoping, but you know, your last paragraph says it all. You have courage. I rate courage above nearly everything. In my experience, people who persevere and have courage frequently - not always - find a way to get what they want/need. I don't think this is the end of your being a mother at all.

[Lindy]

I'm just so, so sorry Thalia. It's better to have an aprupt end to things if things are going to end. While I'm in the camp of it's not quite over yet, I do think it makes sense to be looking ahead to the next step. And I don't think a single blighted ovum would lead you down the donor egg path just yet.

Thinking of you and hoping for resolution (hopefully the unlikely but still possible positive kind) soon.

[Sassy]

I'm so sorry your scan wasn't what it should have been. I'm thinking of you and hoping & praying for the best.

[Pamplemousse]

I don't think you are ready for donor eggs yet. I was but then I have had a very different ART history than you. You and H produce lovely, quality embryos and if things don't work out this time, then you still have 6 frozen embryos to work with. And more fresh cycles in you too. The Zoladex seemed to work well for you.

This is not the end of the road for you, T. I have stared that end of the road in the face and believe me, you are so far from that place.

[fisher queen]

What Pamplemousse said. Also, it just makes me sick that my experience has made you so sad. I am still holding out hope for you. I don't think you're a *hugs* kind of person, but I'm sending them anyway.

[Kristi]

Thalia, I am hoping and praying that you remain strong, stay at least partially hopeful (even though it's so, so hard) and that you realize, no matter what the outcome of this next week, that you WILL be a mother someday.

[Jennie]

one of the ugly side effects of IVF is that we come to expect the very worst. I don't know what to say I can't make things better but I can keep you in my thoughts + I havn't stopped hoping for a good outcome and tell you having a plan B regardless of what the % rates are or how many hold onto hope for you, is a mighty fine idea.

[Nicole]

I don't know what else to add. It seems so unfair to fall into the minority with respect to statistics. I wish things were going better.

You are a stronger woman than I am. You are already planning for the future no matter what path it takes. I admire you.

[Krista]

Thalia, I know sorry sounds trite, but it is all I have. This next week is going to be hell, and you will have very little hope so I will be thinking of you and I am sorry.

[katie]

It is depressing, and I hope it goes OK.

My understanding of the "blighted ovum" thing though is that it is in fact a complete misnomer: it only means that the sac developed but the embryo did not continue to develop, but hasn't necessarily got anything to do with egg quality. There could be a very large number of reasons for the embryo to fail to develop. For all you know, it could be a sperm problem (there, that cheered you up, didn't it?).

They just call it "blighted ovum" to mess with our heads. Presumably your FSH levels etc. are OK or they would not let you go ahead with your own eggs.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, thanks for clarifying what yesterday's ultrasound revealed. But my recommended treatment remains the same: distract your head off. Get mindless movies. Go to mindless movies. The only way to make time pass without driving yourself crazy is to chop it up into diverting chunks.

We're all waiting with you. And we'll wait as long as it takes.

[caroline]

i think you are handling this the best way possible - realistically hopeful. I agree with everyone else - as much mindless distraction as possible for the next week. Try not too think too much about next steps until you get conclusive answers. For what its worth I am floored by how unfair and shitty this has been for you and how you have continued to take it all in stride.

[stephanie]

Nothing you said was self-pitying or ungrateful. This is hard. Next week will be hard. Try and distract yourself as much as possible and take care of yourself.

We are all here for you and will read any and all posts, sad or not. Take care.

[PJ]

Oh Thalia, I so wish the news was better. Take care of yourself.

[moo]

Wishing for the best for you.

[Molly]

40%. 40% still has plenty of hope left in it.

I'll be thinking of you.

[mm]

Just thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[waiting line]

Just thinking of you Thalia.

[amanda]

I don't understand either. I don't think I ever will. The universe just sucks, if you ask me. You're in my thoughts, my friend.

[elecriclady]

Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Wish there was something we could all do to take away some of the torture of this wait for you.

[Brenda]

Trust me I will not be the one to tell you to hang on to hope. I've learned that the second I let hope enter into the equation that bitch kicks my ass every single time. Having had a blighted ovum, I know all too well that hellish experience of them digging around trying to find *something*... its not fun... and really its just torture. The not knowing sucks too. Thinking of you...

[MoMo]

Thalia--I know there is nothing I can say to make things better, so I just want to say that I am praying and thinking of you.

[Suz]

I'm here and thinking of you. It's so not fair.

[Jenn]

I know when my second pregnancy was going bad, stories of ones that turned out ok helped, so if this isn't helping, please tell me and I'll stop.

I went back to read my posts from that early ultrasound to make sure I remembered correctly. We didn't see a yolk sac in that second gestational sac. And they saw something in there, but weren't sure it was a fetal pole. And even on Baby A the fetal pole was only measuring 3.1mm (5w6d is when I had the scan). The RE, after much pushing, told me Baby B probably wouldn't make it, less than a 50% chance. Even at my seven week scan he was measuring a week behind my dates though we saw the heartbeat then. He finally caught up to dates around 12 weeks, though is still about a week behind Baby A.

They told me maybe he implanted late (which didn't sound promising) and although I don't know how it's possible, I'm hoping your story turns out like mine.

[Mellie]

Thalia - You have been in my thoughts I think every moment since I read your last post. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this - even if it does turn out okay, you don't deserve having to endure this. I'll be wishing on stars and eyelashes and everything else that next week's scan is promising.

[soralis]

Sending a big hug your way.. hoping you beat the odds and everything is ok.

Take care

[Leggy]

Do you read Menita? She had a rough beginning with this pregnancy. http://lifesjestbook.typepad.com/menita/2005/12/fraught_with_fr.html
Because it was a fluke pregnancy, its hard to tell how many weeks she should have been- she saw more than you on the scan, but she was also supposed to be further behind and her betas & progesterone were low. I don't want to give false hope, but since you said that it seemed like you couldn't find anyone who had your exact circumstances and had it work out, I just wanted to offer this as a possible example.

I'm sorry you are in limboland- its a lousy place to be. My first blighted ovum PG dragged on until 10 weeks, my second lasted until 6.5 weeks. If its going to end, let it be quick, but damn it, if its going to work, stop the torture and start growing already.

[Lola Badeggs]

Thalia, I'm just sick for you. I'm so sorry. I absolutely understand the unwillingness to put too much energy into hoping. And, unwittingly, my own post today probably confirmed your fears about the sac size vs fetal pole size. I will continue to hope for a positive outcome for you, for what that's worth. I'm just so damn sorry that it's not a straightforward situation.

[Lynnette]

I think 40% is a good number to pin your/our hopes to. I will continue to think positively, until the fat lady does her thing...hugs again...

[kze]

I don't understand the universe either. It just sucks. I am so sorry you are going through all this. I am holding out hope for you; hoping you land on the right side of the statistics this time.

You are in my thoughts.

[Katie]

Oh Thalia. I'm thinking of you all the time now. I'm going to really hope 40 is a fine shot, but I know it's probably not a lot for you at this point. There's nothing more to say than bollocks. Limbo is a shitty place to be.

[Carla Hinkle]

The whole thing is just lousy. So I second the call for lots of distraction (bad TV, mindless movies, junk food of every stripe) and just trying to hang on until next week's scan. It certainly isn't optimal, but it isn't quite over yet, either. You don't have to worry about hoping; the Internets is doing that for you.

[Sarah]

Take care Thalia. I'll be thinking of you.

[Shell]

Hang in there!! I went in last week at 6w5d and all we saw was a gest sac and yolk sac...I was crushed because we had seen my DS heartbeat at 6w1d. We went back in today at 8w0d........there was a visible baby(measuring 7w6d!) and heartbeat!! This was the hardest 9days of my life!... wishing you the best!

[hopefulmother]

Thalia, I am thinking of you, and hoping and praying for the best.

[chee chee]

Thalia, I wish you weren't going through this. I am hoping that you will get some good news next week. Try to hang in there.

[PBfish]

Words seem inadequate to express how sorry I am that you are going through this. I'm praying for that 40% chance.

[Lisa P.]

Oh Thalia, I am sorry to hear that things are looking like this. My first m/c was a blighted ovum, but I had no early scan so I have no idea what it looked like at that stage - we had our u/s at 8w and saw only a gestational sac. I wish I had nothing but positive stories for you but I am not a very good example, I guess. :(

I will hold onto that 40% hope for you even if you don't feel up to it, though.

[Summer]

It’s times like these when I realize how cruel the universe can be. Do you muster even a glimmer of hope? Do you plunge yourself completely in despair? Does it matter what the fuck you do? I know, for me, I could find no comfort in this time and the waiting was excruciating. But you will get through this Thalia, no matter what the outcome, you will get through this. And, you will be a mother.

[Alli]

I'm thinking of you and praying for a good outcome. Hang in there.

[Lut C.]

I'm speechless. What an awful thing to happen, regardless of the outcome. Just awful.

[Alexa]

Oh Thalia. I am just...shocked and sorry. So, so sorry. I am willing you to fall in the 40%.
Please let me know if you need anything at all.

[statia]

Oh man, Thalia. I'm hoping like hell you fall on the good side of the odds.

[Allie]

Thalia, I am so sorry. I'm hoping and praying for your miracle.

[ninaB]

fingers crossed.

[zarqa]

I'm so angry and hurt for you. I don't know what else to say really but...40%? That's something to hold on to...at least until next week when it may or may not become just another crazy number on this crazy ride. I'm so hoping for you.

[InDueTime]

Thalia I am hoping and praying for you sweetie. Hugs.