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Thursday, 06 April 2006


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Your frustration (right word?) is completely understandable. I remember being so sick of it being everyone else's fucking turn. It's really really hard.

I hope your number gets called soon, T.


It seems like you are working towards getting there and that's all that anyone can do.
A quote on a Starbucks cup the other day set it off for me and I don't think there will be a time when I won't be sensitive to such things. The quote was from some sports guy saying how everyone in professinal sports should take the time to watch kids play sports...then they'll remember what the game is really about. Of course my mind went immediately to the fear of never getting to watch my kids play sports.

Hang in there.


God, I feel for you. You and I were within a couple of days of each other in November and I was terribly jealous about how great your eggs looked. Then I got pregnant and felt terrible and happy. When I lost that one after a few weeks and have had to wait months for my present cycle, I was devestated.

This is all so damn hard. This is why we desperately need each other.

fisher queen

Tough tough tough. All of it.


I don't read about too many women who openly admit to the envy they feel when others have their cycles work. I thought I was crazy for even thinking it. It is hard, very hard. Why do most of us have to learn that?


It's so hard to watch others get where we want to be. I am so sorry. I hope you get there soon.


I had such a hard time when one of my good friends got pregnant around the same time I did only she got a baby at the end of 9 months and I didn't. Our friendship definitely suffered and it hurt so very much. Your feelings make perfect sense. I'm so very much hoping for you and this upcoming cycle.


Also hoping for you Thalia. I know very well the feelings you describe. It's unfair and dehumanising and demoralising. Don't let it beat you. There's a new cycle coming up and it's briliant that you are so well informed and asking the right questions and giving yourself the best chance you can.


You are polite to be merely envious. I am down right murderous when others (even other IFers!) are pg. And then I am ashamed by my bitterness, even worse.

Wishing you all good things, Thalia, and SOON!


When at work it's so hard to find that balance between 'lalala I don't care', 'I'm going to fucking kill someone if they don't shut the fuck up about their fetuses', and 'can I just kill myself now?'.

Alas, I don't know how you find it. The only way I was able to...lessen some of those feelings was by focusing on the upcoming move (now only 3 weeks away!) I was going to make. And even now I find it difficult to stop by work and hear the news. The only thing that's going to make it better is when I leave the country. Of course, I'll be dealing with new pregnancies once I'm home, but I'm not thinking (much) about that now.

As for the bitternessenvyrage of other infertile bloggers getting pregnant and having babies, well, I've reached the point where it's okay for me to no longer read those blogs. It's petty, it's mean, it's the only way of saving my sanity.

meg from the egg

Thalia.. you give other people so much support, I think you are entitled to have a bad day yourself x... I hope you feel better soon.


Thalia, I am so sorry about all the feelings and emotions. I totally understand what you are going thru. A part of me gets really angry that I am so jelous and bitter about pregnant people that it affected my friendships...I think my friends think that I drop of the face of the earth. Hang in there...I think we have to believe that someway, somehow things will work out for all of us.

Thanks for all of your support....you've shown kindness, sympathy and love to all the blogs you read and follow and we all appreciate it!


I can relate to what you're going through. But remember you don't have to focus on anyone's happiness right now other than your own. It's not selfishness, it's self-preservation. And anyone who has gone through IVF or other fertility treatment will completely understand.


I don't think you're wierd at all for wanting to know what's going to happen with your cycle, and WHY. What I do think is wierd is that everyone doesn't push for that, and that it isn't standard practice!!!

And you are SO NOT a horrible cow. I think each of us has experienced very similar feelings at some point in our journey. It's impossible not to look at things from our own point of view and be jealous / envious of others who have what we want. It's the only viewpoint we have.

And I second MoMo - you have been an amazing source of strength and support to so many in the IF blogosphere (me included!). It always amazes me that whenever I go to comment on someone's blog, there you are too. No matter what you're going through, you're still there for others. You rock.

I am thinking all the good thoughts I possibly can for you and your upcoming cycle.


Are you reading my mind this week??? Big smooches, sweetie.


Hang in there Thalia...I can relate to how you feel on so many levels...the excitment, the rage towards mommies and pregnant women, the guilt for feeling so angry, the tears at the most inopportune times...stay encourgaged. Your time will come.


If I could write as well as you, I could have written this post. I'm so right there with you.


You are not high maintenance for being interested in the hormonal details of your cycle and if that is weird, than scoot on over. Your already hanging tough, there's no earthly reason to do it blindly.

Except when it comes to us pregnant folks. Then you can just shoo us away. We get it, no harm done.

I'm rooting for you.


This post struck such a chord with me. I'm thinking of you, and wishing so badly that this time it will work for you.


Being fragile isn't pathetic, it comes with the territory. If its not drugs messing with your hormones, its the stress of just dealing with the ongoing crappiness of it all. You are entitled to your feelings. And you are entitled to read or not read anyone's blog, we've all been there.

chee chee

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. My cousin and her husband just had their second oops baby and it's so frustrating to watch and wonder when it will be my turn. I hope this next cycle is the one for you and that you can leave some of this pain behind you.

Hang in there.

Lut C.

Jealousy, tell me about it. At lunch two colleagues were talking about potty-training their kids. After 5 minutes I asked them to switch the subject, because it wasn't appropriate at mealtime. That's not what I was really thinking. Ugh. Not very charitable of me, but I no longer care.


I hear ya, sister.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about having negative feelings about pregnant women, even those who had to struggle to get there. Your feelings are completely legitimate and don't deny yourself from feeling it. IF is incredibly hard because you don't know if it will ever get you what you want in the end. It's ok not to be able to feel other people's happiness.


It's so tough to see people you've cycled with get pregnant. I'm happy that it's one more win for the infertiles, but when you're suffering from bitterness of your own cycle not working, it's hard. Hopefully this next cycle will keep you occupied AND be successful.


You go and ask your Dr. every question that you want -- and you are not strange for wanting to know what is going on! So much of our control is lost in this IF battle, and feeling educated about what is going on with your body is one of the ways to gain back some of the control.

I think we can all relate to the sadness and the emotional rollercoaster you are on and pray that the good ride comes up for you soon. Hang in there, Thalia!


Oh, my dear. So true, and so sad. I have nothing to add except that I want this so badly for you.


I hear ya, Thalia, and I'm right there with ya. It does not make you a cow, though. Not one bit.


Not so far removed from last fall to not remember some of how you feel. If it is any consolation (which I know it is not) I am making daily sacrifices to the fertility gods that this works for you.

Mary Ellen

Hang in there. It is so hard to be around pregnant people sometimes. It hurts so much to watch other people get so easily what you want so badly and have tried so hard for. I hope that you are successful soon. Best wishes for your upcoming cycle.


I, too, feel jealous. Then guilt for feeling jealous. And I can't help obsess over That Which I Do Not Have.

I'm sorry you feel so fragile right now. I really hope you find support and strength and good results this cycle.


You are not an horrible cow. You can't help it. It's only natural for you to feel this way. Infertility sucks. We all have our moments at times. Some worse than others. I hope that you get feeling better. Thinking of you!
And please don't let your clinic make you feel strange for asking questions.


You are not alone, nor out of the ordinary


I know you didn't need an answer but it's not wierd at all. My clinic gives me more info then I even understand which I appreciate. I think they know we all have spreadsheets and charts at home so they give us the details. Good for you for asking, too bad only one person seems to have the answers


Horrible cow - uh, methinks not. It is horrible this thing, we want our friends to succeed but it cuts deeply when it does. I am hoping its your turn now.


Thalia, you could never be a horrible cow. Don't ever think that. I think all of us have felt the way you are feeling now...I know I certainly have! As much as it sucks, I think it's probably normal. And if it's not, at least you know you're in good company.

Hugs to you.


I can understand entirely how hard it is to see it all around you and want it so badly. You should be focused on you. I hope this cycle works for you, Thalia.


Oh how do I say this and not sound like assvice. If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me not to be hard on myself and now I am about to say it to you . . . don't be so hard on yourself! You are a wonderful woman living a nightmare with as much grace as you can muster . . . who could ask for more?

I think it just gets hard sometimes to keep cheering everyone on when you can barely keep yourself going.

My heart goes out to you. It will not always be this painful. I have no way to prove this bit of assvice, but I force myself to believe it and so I offer it to you with good intentions.

May this time be your turn!


I, too, am a complete basket case this cycle. I've cried no less than three times in a five-hour time period today, all at work. It's beyond pathetic, but I just can't help it.

Everything you said, I feel so intensely right now. As always, I'm thinking of you and desperately hoping that this is the one.

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