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Monday, 20 March 2006


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hi thalia-- i'm right there with you with wondering and questioning. i guess it is part of this whole process. i hope you are relieved of your back pain soon. sounds like it is quite painful.



Ugh, sounds like your back is really putting you through it. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs!


Dear Thalia, I'm so sorry to hear about your back pain. Ugh, that can be mind-altering. I hope it gets better soon.

As for your body being confused, I would have thought, too, that you wouldn't need BCPs and Zoladex at the same time. I hope Dr. Candour gets back to you soon.

And your thoughts on adopting are so natural. We humans are hard-wired to find meaning in things, to recognize patterns and causalities, and this kind of thinking is virtually inescapable, especially when it comes to things that cause us emotional anguish. How can something so painful not be meaningful?

May all this have amazing meaning in hindsight, my dear, and bring you great happiness.


The worry stage of IVF, no more fun then any of the other stages. Once more week until I join you.
I have to say that I don't agree with your "sign", I think it means that H gets to teach a baby chinese and your child will be way ahead of all the other brat kids!


I think your recent thoughts about adoption are just a part of the decision making process. I know I often find when I'm trying to decide on something life changing, I look for "signs" when really what I'm doing is trying it on (like a dress) to see how I react to it. To see if I am able to accept that image of myself.

Hang in there. You are on your way to being a mother no matter how you finally have your child(ren).


I have the same affliction. My L5 is killing me. Last week I had sciatica and it was very difficult to sleep. I feel like you some times. Is this for me or not? Is it meant to be or not? I looked at a little chinese girl at a restaurant this weekend. She was 2 y/o. She was adorable. I was able to "see myself a mother of that little girl" and a whole new world of possibilites has opened up to me. Perhaps the answer is to look for two paths at the same time? In this process you will know. But dont' give up all the possible options yet. You are lucky to have a husband who understands the language. That is a bonus.


Urg... I hope your cycle isn't off to a crazy start already!! And I can sort of relate to the thoughts that you aren't meant to have bio children... I've had the same. I haven't had the same experience you've had, but after a dead baby and a "hopefully" functional uterus, I don't feel very reassured that we'll ever have biological children. I'm either sure it will work easily, or convinced the worst will happen...

I hope your dr. gets back to you about the spotting/bleeding and that it isn't a problem. :)


We're here...every step of the way...onward and upward!


Oh Thalia, with your body being particularly troublesome at the moment, it's no wonder that you're worrying so.

As for your most persistent fear, I have to ask - what is it really that you fear? That you're delaying the inevitable by pursuing further treatment instead of jumping into the adoption process now? If that's it, what is it about that that's scaring you? If you end up adopting, you want to be certain that that's the thing you want to do - not start it just because you think everyone else thinks that's what you should do.

Sorry if that sounded too preachy - I don't mean it that way at all! I really just want to give you a hug and say it's okay to feel however it is you feel.

fisher queen

Hi sweetie. I know all those worries and how sometimes things feel fated. Try to remember all the times you've been wrong on those counts. We just don't know how anything is going to turn out, or if anything is meant to be or not.

Comforting, no?

I'm sorry your back hurts. My bod has totally deteriorated since starting IVF. Lack of excercise makes things so much worse.


Funny, I've had that same thought about my husband speaking Spanish. But I prefer to think that it makes our alternate plan more sound - should we choose to adopt, then we'll be able to teach the child it's native language. But if we have biological offspring, we'd teach them Spanish, as well. It's great for all kids to learn a second language, no?

Anyway, I hope your body adjusts and you're feeling better soon. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that you are on track for a successful cycle.


I'm so sorry about the back pain. It sounds just dreadful. I hope a few nights in your own bed will help you get on the mend.
As for the signs - I'm like you in that I usually don't give them much weight. But I find the more stressed and in doubt I am suddenly they seem so potent. Like so much of this IF crud, signs are just mind games.


Hmm, I don't agree with your take on the "signs". They are such mind games as Lori pointed out. I hope the pain is better soon.


Hang in there. IF is mean, it makes you doubt everything. But then, there are days when I place a lot of faith in my doctor's treatment plan. Roller coaster, woo wee.

Thanks for dropping by my blog. I will be seeing my RE in 2 days and will find out more about my endo and how aggressive we should be.


hey lovely try not to stress over signs they are everywhere if we look for them doesn't make them the right signs it just makes them the ones we take notice of.

I am so sorry to hear your back is acting up I can fully empathise with you there fingers crossed it ends soon for you.


Even if I don't or can't do any other form of exercise, some yoga always strengthens my back. I don't know if this would help your problem and you probably do a million hours of yoga every week already, hmm? You know, at the airport and in meeting rooms haha.

Signs can be a load of crap though usually a sign that you are losing your mind.

One Half

Sorry to hear about your back! Sounds horrible...I hope the yoga excercise will help relief the pain a bit.

I am worrying a lot right now too. I am worrying a lot about the things I don't know about IVF (mostly purely medical stuff), what the future will bring...etc.

As for the "sign"...your theory doesn't really convince me :-D. Couldn't you make everything into signs with that kind of reasoning?

Good luck for the cylce....



I find that yoga does help with backs (I too have a very bad back) the problem is that I have to remember to do it all the time, and that's the bad part.

Weirdly I too have been having dreams that I adopt a beautiful Chinese baby whom I name Lily (which is my favorite girl's name, although my partner is not a fan of it thus it will not get invoked). I think in some ways it's us facing our worries and uncertainties and invoking a natural and kind imagine that grants hope.

Or some such Freudian nonsense like that. It could also be the hormones, which is my second guess.


My husband has bad low back pain, too. He’s found some relief using an inversion table to stretch out his back and take the pressure off. I don’t know if that’s something you’ve ever looked into.

If you are “destined” to adopt, you’ll get there when you are ready. I actually feel like that’s what I am meant to do, but that’s not stopping me from trying one last (pointless?) cycle. It’s just something I feel I have to let play out before moving on. You can only make decisions with the information and feelings you have at hand because none of us can predict the future. I have a friend who adopted after 3 IVFs. Her husband wishes they had given up sooner- saved the money, time, and heartache. She says that’s hindsight. And if they had given up earlier, they wouldn’t have been ready and the timing to find their daughter would have been all wrong.

When and if it’s time to give up IF treatments, you’ll know. When and if it’s time to pursue adoption, you’ll know that, too. And you won’t need a sign, just what’s in your heart.

Easily Pleased

hi Thalia
oof, back pain is bad ;( i hope you find some relief. I think you're brave for trying everything you can to have bio kid(s) if that is important to you, and you'll become a mother no matter what if you're open to adoption as well. Hang in there. I am in similar boat. We have been considering adoption (probably from China) longer than we've been TTC... so we'll see. Anyway, this is my first visit to your blog. I'll be back - and i blogrolled you ;) Good luck this cycle. Thinking of you!


I'm sorry to hear about the back pain. I have awful lower back pain as well...am constantly seeing a chiropractor and try to do lots of stretching exercises, oftentimes in vain. I also sometimes think that perhaps I can't get pregnant because if I did, my body wouldn't be able to handle it. Such a depressing thought, and one I try to push out of my mind, but it continues to pop up when I'm at my most frustrated and illogical.


the back pain sounds awful....

i bet your body will adapt just fine to pregnancy. despite my multiple miscarraiges, i still beleive that our bodies are capable of beautiful things.

Lut C.

I hope your doctor gets back to you soon and puts your mind at ease about the protocol.

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering from back pains.

Even though I'm still in the earlier stages of ART, I often wonder whether it's time yet to call it quits. But I usually realise quickly that I'm not ready to quit. I would really like the heartache to go away, but that is here to stay, I suppose, some of it will stick even if I ever am succesful.


I don't have your specific problem but do have a bad back sometimes - I find that some of the things the yoga teacher suggests aren't totally helpful but that Pilates is great. If I have a long day of walking around slowly with a sore back, then I keep singing the "30% connection" song.

I've heard a few people say their midwives told them to keep their tummies tucked in hard to prevent backache but I actually find the smaller contractions Pilates suggests are much better for back pain.


Oh..I'm so sorry about the back pain. My problems are concentrated around L5 as well and the resulting imbalance only causes more issues. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that I can relate.


Well the Pill is a mixture of estrogen and progesterone that stops ovulation. Suppression drugs work in a different way. (I don't quite know how) But you do bleed when you go off the Pill (because of the sudden difference in hormones) regardless of whether you are on suppression drugs. I do when I'm on Lupron. And I get night sweats on Lupron too. HTH!


Well the Pill is a mixture of estrogen and progesterone that stops ovulation. Suppression drugs work in a different way. (I don't quite know how) But you do bleed when you go off the Pill (because of the sudden difference in hormones) regardless of whether you are on suppression drugs. I do when I'm on Lupron. And I get night sweats on Lupron too. HTH!

chee chee

I'm so sorry about the back pain. I know what a nightmare persistent pain is.

Even though I've been away for a while, you're in my thoughts. Take care of yourself.


I'm *pretty* sure the withdrawal bleeding is expected I hope your doc confirms that. Sorry about the back pain. So much to bear all at once.

I have had similar thooughts re: "That somehow I should have received the message loud and clear by now that I'm not supposed to bear children"

I think that is just a part of the nasty IF mindgame we all fall victim to once in a while.

I will be here with the rest of the crowd cheering you on!


Thalia - I think we all struggle with the what ifs and with IF. I think that is a cruel joke. Why can't the abbreviation be a YES instead of IF. I would certainly feel better. Please know that we are with you. I hope you get a solution to your pain soon. I have had unanswered chronic pain before and it is very difficult to live with.


Oh, sweety... it breaks my heart to hear such self-doubt... it's the typical infertile trap.

And... I don't think it's mere coincidence that the abbreviation for infertile... is IF. Yah... if only.


Sorry your back hurts so much.

Can relate to the bit re: if adoption is where we are "meant to" end up, why am I bothering with all this IF crap one more time? I'm finding myself reflecting a lot on "what was the point of the last 3.5 years of IF crap" if I was just going to adopt in the end?


Sorry about your back pain - it sounds miserable. I can relate somewhat - I have a badly pronated foot, so my right calf muscle is much more developed than my left. My rt hip is 1&1/4 higher than my left. Clicking and rubbing in left hip joint (So all my pants are wonky). Shoulders uneven. Sunglasses lopsided. Lots of fun. My pain doesn't sound as bad as yours. I wish you well with minimizing it.

As for thoughts - brains have a way of saboutaging things. There were plenty of times where I was ABSOLUTELY SURE something was very wrong with the baby. I was wrong. So just b/c you think it don't make it so. Just a reminder :-)

Alexandra/Infertile Gourmet

It seems natural that when we all go on so long without success that we would think we are doomed. I do. But, it happens. I think. At least I have heard :)

Hope your back is feeling better. Damn these bodies for breaking down and not working perfect.


I hope your body behaves for you soon.

This whole experience is confusing. Every moment of it. I SO feel where you're coming from.

Mary Scarlet

Thalia, I'm sorry about the headaches and the back pain. I have a herniated disk between L4 & L5 and I never would have believed how debilitating back pain can be, so I understand your fears about future changes. Hope maybe those exercises will help some; sounds like you are an old hand dealing with your back but if you want any others to try shoot me an email. I went through 2 mos. of physical therapy after my injury; I think some of them would be safe even for pg. But I understand that most of what you're dealing with is simple physics, and I hope that it holds off for you. I'm thinking of you.

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