What, you think I'm angry, does that mean you think I'm angry?

Why do most of you use blogger, hmm? It means that on a night when my husband wants to watch a nasty violent film and I don't, and blogger is down, there is nothing to distract me. You all suck. Or rather, blogger sucks. Bad blogger. I'm so glad I learnt from the experience of my last blog, and went straight to typepad for this one. Not that typepad is a good performer, you understand, it just sucks less than blogger. Mostly.

Well that was interesting. Not. I am not inspired right now, as you can tell. Except to write moany posts about how my period started on Thursday, which put paid to my fantasy of having a baby in 2006. My period snuck up on me, too, which was not kind. I went from idly thinking how great it was to be on 12dpo with no cramps and when could I buy a pregnancy test, to mild cramps, and on to lots of blood , all in the space of about 30 minutes. I was just lucky, I guess, that it didn't start 24 hours earlier and make me COMPLETELY paranoid about staying in New York hotel rooms, as previously they seem to have been a real jinx for me. 8 days to the operation and counting. I am not looking forward to it.

I'm pretty grumpy. I'm flying to St Louis Missouri tomorrow, because a colleague has twisted my arm. I'm flying there, which will take about 14 hours travel time, for a 2 hour meeting, and then I am flying back, which will take about 13 hours because of the tail winds. I'm not kidding. I should have said no and that failure is making me grumpy.

I'm also grumpy because I was really enjoying myself up until about 5 minutes ago, reading all those of you who don't frequent blogger, and singing along to Dar Williams, in this instance, one of my very favourite Dar songs, "What do you hear in these sounds" (if you haven't listened to it, and you've ever had therapy or known anyone in therapy, you must go and listen to it, or at least read the lyrics. Honestly. She so get it, and she's so funny about it). When I suddenly hear from deep in the bowels of the house, the dulcet tones of my husband, shouting "SHUT THE DOOR". And let me tell you, in this instance the capital letters are entirely justified. So I shut the song down and, surprisingly, burst into tears. At which he came upstairs to see what the matter was, and I pointed out that he'd been a bit extreme in his reaction. Then he felt guilty and stomped off in a huff. Not one of our finest moments maritally speaking.

I'm also, of course, terminally grumpy because of this thing about not being pregnant. I hate hate hate hate it. I just feel so broken and so bloody useless. It hurts, a lot, that H knocked up some other woman before he met me. She had an abortion so he doesn't have a child, and he doesn't, at all, wish that that child still existed, but oh how it hurts to know that he could have a child without me. I know he doesn't want a child with anyone else but it still really really hurts.

I am also grumpy because I now have carpal tunnel syndrome in both my wrists, as well as a really painful lower back. I need to see a physio but I'm too crap to get off my ass to do so. These things combine with my infertility to really convince me that I'm broken. My body just isn't working. I'm also, partly because of the back pain, not exercising so I'm getting gradually fatter since I'm also incapable of stopping myself from eating, and eating. All those flights don't help as there's damn all else to do when in mid-Atlantic when I'm desperately trying to motivate myself to look at my team's latest effort, and it also eats into my morning exercise slots as I'm so damn tired. Not that I would have taken that as an excuse two years ago, so we'll just have to accept for now that I'm just plain lazy.

(did anyone else read Antonia Forest as a child? She has this great scene in End of Term where the girls are creating a list of why they've been put into a remedial class, and the choices are: Backward, Delicate, or Just Plain Stupid. And the heroine, Nicola, of course picks Just Plain Stupid. Love that book).

I'm also grumpy because I had a dream this morning about how they were doing our next embryo transfer, and our embryos looked a bit shitty, and the nurse transferred the embryo to me before the set up was ready, so I took it into my mouth to protect it, and then realised that it was a bad idea, so I put my mouth on the edge of the petri dish and gently placed it back in, then saw it dissolve into nothingness as I did so. I'm not going to try and analyse it, but it made me feel shitty.

And finally, in a situation that makes me embarrassed about being grumpy about my own crap, a little girl whose website I found a couple of years ago when researching a cancer called Neuroblastoma for a friend whose child had recently been diagnosed with it, has just taken a turn for the worst. She is clearly an incredibly smart kid, with very lovely parents. Even if they are a bit too focused on the praying for my taste, they are clearly passionate and thoughtful people, and inveterate Google MDs who have researched and campaigned for their daughter's treatment from the beginning. I hate to talk about how great this kid seems to be as I'm reminded of the recent House episode where he pointed out that inevitably any kid with cancer is described as so terribly brave and kind, and surely some of them must be little shits, but apparently this child isn't. I don't recommend this site if you're feeling at all sensitive as she is clearly having a very tough time, but if you felt like extending some groovy infertile love to a family in a very different but very painful situation, I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

Having made a long list of the shittiness that I'm feeling, I'll stop now. Do feel free to ignore this post, I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.

Comments

[stephanie]

bad husband. sorry for the shitiness. and Dar Williams is wonderful. hope tomorrow is better.

[Lynnette]

Oh, I wish I were going to St. Louis, this week, Alex (the Infertile Gourmet) and I would wait with you at the airport or something. You may bump into my husband there, though...Sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps. BTW, I updated my entry and added some links about the beta-3 integrins.

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

Ohhhhhhh! St Louis? I live in St Louis! Do you want to meet? I could pick you up...drive you around....anything.....(wow I sound like a desperate stalker) Will you be here on Sunday? I would just adore meeting you if you have the time or inclination. Consider me the St Louis infertile welcome wagon.

Sorry about all the depressing things. When it rains it pours. Thinking of you.

Let me know if you get this before you leave. Maybe I will email you seperately...

Yours truly,

Stalker Gourmet

[Amanda]

I'm sorry you're feeling grumpy. Not having the whole pregnancy thing work for me makes me feel broken and useless, too. It sucks.

I hope you feel better soon. Have a safe trip tomorrow.

[S]

Yeah, I was pissed off about the whole Blogger thing as well tonight......fuckheads. Ruined a good Saturday night in for me....

Sorry that you're feeling shitty-I can totally relate right now to that "broken and useless" feeling, and having that old bitch AF show up doesn't help. I hope that your trip goes quickly tomorrow and that you're feeling better soon.

[Spanglish]

Meh -- it feels like that sadness is eating away at the soul. I completely can relate. Lately I feel like my soul has been chewed up and regurgitated.

I hope things look up soon. For both of us.

[Summer]

Yes, blogger is bad but it's cheap (free) and really, that's the only reason why I use it.

As for women with husbands who have previously gotten another woman pregnant, I'm in that club, too. And ditto on the abortion thing. In my case, it was with his first wife and they decided that having her kids from her first marriage was enough for them. So, it was a choice Mr. Warrior had no problem making and still doesn't regret but I just ache thinking that he was able to create a life before with someone else but when he tried with me, all we had was an empty sac.

I don't even know what to say about your trip to St. Louis, except load up good on that iPod and turn it up loud.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, I'm so sorry you're not doing well. I understand feeling broken and not having the resources left to deal with all the things (marital spats, work, travel) that life throws our way. And your horrifying dream made me go cold all over. I hope the clouds part for you soon. I hope you can be a little easier on yourself in the food-and-exercise department for now. I hope the operation is the beginning of great news for you. I hope that this, finally, is your year after all.

Have a good trip, my dear.

[Pamplemousse]

Let the grumps out, my dear. It does help.

[Emma B]

Another Dar Williams fan here -- I have all of her albums, could listen to them for hours. Are you an Aimee Mann fan, too?

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue, and I wish I knew what to say to help.

[One Half]

Thalia - I am very sorry that you are so grumpy and generally feeling blue and failed. I hope it goes over soon...and you are soon back again being the Thalia that gives great advise (on my blog) (among other things). Good luck for the trip to the US...seems to be a quicky though. Horrible dream you had there. I really hope that everything very soon will look less blue and maybe a bit more pink?

Take good care!

N

[fisher queen]

Hi sweets. I'm sorry you feel like crap- I understand the broken feeling and all that tired rage. Yet the problem remains. Ugh.

Your dream sounds awful. I'm always dreaming about this too. Strangely enough, every night for the last few weeks, every time one of the stinkers moves around in bed (b/c of course they all sleep with us) I find myself thinking/dreaming/saying 'donor egg'. ?

[Prop Your Hips Up]

Blogger ruined my Saturday without Himself as well. I was looking forward to doing lots of catching up. Maybe its time to make a move for me.

I'm sorry you are having the best of days. I hope today is better.

[Prop Your Hips Up]

That was supposed to read "I'm sorry you aren't having the best of days. I hope today is better." I got the blue screen of death as I was trying to proof read.

[wessel]

I feel like crap too and my blog is a boring piece of junk, so I loved your entry today. Made me feel right at home! (Not that your blog is a boring piece of junk! No no no -- only that it made me feel better to know that you and I feel the same way about our blogs at the moment.)

I hope taking a little trip will lift your spirits. Have fun!

[Anna]

I'm so sorry you're having such a crap day, but I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do, with everything going on. This is your blog, so feel free to vent away. I do hope the operation goes well and 2006 will wind up being your year, after all. All bits are dutifully crossed : )

Feeling broken sucks, and (for me, at least), never really goes away. I don't know what the solution is...when I find it, I'll be happy to pass on that little wisdom.

Try not to worry about the dreams - somrtimes they're just bizarre and it generally seems like you're worried about the whole TTC/IVF process, understandably, of course. I don't know why this can't be easier. I hope it gets better for you, though, and I hope your day tomorrow is a bit brighter. You're in my thoughts.

[wessel]

Oh, and your dream -- that was just incredible. I won't try to analyze it either, only to say that it makes for amazing images. I hope that you wrote it down somewhere. Okay, I will analyze it after all -- it's like this: no matter what care we may take with our eggs and embryos, even sheltering them inside our own bodies, they still disintegrate before our eyes, never to "become" people, and we are powerless to save them. AAAGGGHHHHH! It's awful.

[DinoD]

Hi Thalia

I hear you about blogger - I was so pissed I set up a typepad account last night (I just don't have much there yet).
Hum, that sounds like what I have on blogger is worth something (being "better" than what I have on typepad).
Anyway, people, people, blogger is free yes, but typepad is what, like $5 a month or something? (It's not much)
I hope that your grumpiness doesn't last too long (I have felt permanently grumpy for the last few years so I don't have much advice to offer here.)

DinoD

[Leggy]

I'm feeling very similar re: sorting all my crappy feelings out. And then I feel guilty because I am fortunate to have a child and feel like in my quest for a second one that I forget about that. Then I start thinking about kids with cancer, or living in a war-torn country, or other crap I could be dealing with, and feel like I should be grateful for what I have. But that doesn't help on crappy days, which I've been having a lot of lately.

I'm sorry you are feeling blue. Sending hugs. And that sucks re: your meeting- haven't they ever heard of videoconferencing?

And I too was annoyed at Blogger.

[Lori]

I'm sorry you've got the grumps - it just sucks. I can relate as I'm struggling with feelings of being a broken and useless wife.
I hope it passes quickly for you.
I hate those disturbing dreams that just stick around long after you're awake. I haven't had an IVF related one yet - but I've had plenty involving J going to Iraq and not making it home. Dreams like that just hang over the day like a big grey cloud.

[Ann]

I'm sorry you are feeling grumpy. I hope you feel better soon.

Blogger sucks, it ruined my evening too!

[DD]

Blogger ruined my weekend as well, and I took it very personally that my post was gone. But I know typepad has had it's moments as well so it's the devil you know or the devil you don't for everyone.

It's OK to have these moments of being pissed at your bod. And those feelings seem to bubble to the top when CD1 arrives.

[MM]

Oh how I love Dar. She's genius!

[Lola]

St Louis. Fantatsic city, and the place from whence Lola Badeggs herself hails. Best damn baseball team on the planet, erm, except when it comes to actually making it into the World Series, 16 games ahead or not. Sorry, where was I?

Thalia, I'm sorry you're feeling so broken right now. I wish I could help. But know that I'm thinking of you.

[Nicole]

It is so sad. I am sorry about the bleeding, I wish there was a way to just 'poof' make yourself pregnant. It is so hard to keep doing it this way.

Please try to keep up hope. You are my cycle buddy and I need to know you can keep creating those gorgeous embryos. If they look that good, one of them will take.

[Joie]

My husband also got an ex pregnant and she had an abortion. The poor guy carried that guilt around like my infertility was some kind of cosmic punishment for him.

I hope that surgery gives good results. I swear my lap is what did it for me!

[Mellie]

Oh Thalia, I hope that you're feeling less down today. Not that I don't relate to those down feelings. I hate feeling broken, but there it is with no logical reason to feel otherwise.

[Jenny]

When I started using blogger, I knew there was something that must be wrong cause all the cool girls use typepad. I am as cheap as can be so I stuck with blogger but I was with you this weekend. Between blogger and IVFC being down, I was bored to tears all weekend.
My DH has 3 children with his ex and yes, it's hurts as much as you think it would.

[Lisa]

Sorry you're feeling crappy.

I hate those fertility dreams. In mine, I'm usually cuddling my baby and smiling, only to be awakened by the buzz of my alarm clock.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Beagle]

Here I just thought I was too much of a newbie to figure out why my post had disapeared (and I finally ahd something happy to say) and my comment thing was all screwed up! Well I am still too much of a newbie but now I can offically blame blogspot.com

Sorry you've got a case of the grumps . . . totally understandable though!

[Liz]

Sorry things are so difficult and you're down. I think we all can relate. Hope things get better soon.

[Larisa]

I use blogger because it's free. And because it seemed like so many other infertiles did. And because I don't know anything about blogging. Though I was terribly angry with it this weekend.

I'm with you on feeling broken. Broken is probably the best word to describe how I feel about my body, about my life.

I'm so sorry about the wrists - I know that carpal tunnel is terribly painful.

[JennaM]

Fascinating dream. I often dream I have a gob of chewing gum in my mouth that I can't spit out. What is it about mouths? Entry ways for sustenance, sites of passion and appetite, exit paths for vomit. That just about sums up life doesn't it? The best and the worst all in one place... Just like Blogger.

[ninaB]

yes, blogger sucks, but it's free! and i'm saving all my pennies for the next cycle. it does seem that periods show up the minute one starts contemplating the POAS. I can't imagine that a trip to missouri is going to lift your spirits, but perhaps it will be a good distraction.

[Flicka]

Blogger sucks, this I admit. I just can't justify the expense of TypePad right now. Or food. Or anything, really.

Don't pay attention to dreams...they come from that bit of hope lurking in the back of our heads. Invariably they screw us up.

Sorry everything's so shitty right now. Wish there was something I could do to make it better, or barring that, that my arms were long enough to reach across the ocean and give you a nice, firm hug. Will you settle for a badly punctuated cyber message?

[Rebecca]

I'm sorry you're in a grumpy mood. I don't know if it's the weather or the pre-Valentine overkill of all things pink, heart-shaped and saccharinly sweet or what, but grumpiness definitely seems to be the feeling de jour. Hopefully it will pass soon!

[kristi]

You are completely entitled to a shitty day. It comes with IF, and we've all been there. I didn't realize your surery was coming up so soon. You're in my thoughts.

[Lisa]

I use blogger because I need every penny I can spare for infertility treatments, lol!

I hope you get to feeling better.

[Mary Scarlet]

Thalia, thanks for the Dar Williams, I didn't know her at all really and that's a perfect encapsulation, that song. I wish you didn't have this dish before you. The bitterness and anger are completely understandable. And to have to travel on top of everything else. I know you're a travel veteran but to have to do it in the current state of rawness would be hard on anyone. I'm sorry.

[Ornery]

Love, love, LOVE Dar Williams. I hope you're feeling less shitty today. If you still are, then know that you've got at least one other grumpy-shitty person here that you can commiserate with.

[zhl]

I'm all up for grumpiness. I think it's highly underrated. Sorry you're in such a tough spot right now. The waiting to start again must be driving you crazy.

[Nina]

Dar Williams is great. Hope you are feeling better.

[HoldingPattern]

I am so sorry about the bitch showing up, Thalia. I can relate to the feeling that your body is fundamentally broken, and I am sorry you are going through that.

[Alexa]

Oh, bother. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope that you are feeling more optimistic today--and I can very much relate to feeling broken. But parts of you, the parts that write this blog, work perfectly. You are a smart, strong, funny, capable woman, and you will get through this.
It doesn't make it suck any less, unfortunately.

[susan]

oh...you are so NOT alone with the grumpy/useless feelings. just let it ride, it will pass, eventually. until then, we're all here.

[OvaGirl]

I'm sorry Thalia. And you have every right to feel down and grumpy. Especially you who gives such strength and hope to others. I wish things would change and I'm hoping they will.

And I'm sorry about blogger too.

xxx