What ever made you think there might be even a slim chance of this being in the bag?

I'm bleeding. Yes, it's the 10 day luteal phase again. Almost precisely as it's currently 30 minutes past midnight in the UK. That's the second time my period has destroyed all hope on the stroke of midnight. Considerate, don't you think?

My temperature crashed this morning, our last morning on holiday, so I did know this was coming. Kind of put a damper on our last day of the holiday. But you know how you persuade yourself that of course your temperature could climb 0.6 degrees centigrade in one day? Yeah, I did that a bit today. I didn't really convince myself but I did do it. Because it's never over til it's over, even when you know it's over, right? I'm a moody cow at the best of times, this really really doesn't help. But now, with this blood, I have no choice but to believe that it's really really over.

We have an appointment with Dr Candour tomorrow, now this, morning. I'm going to ask why he's so convinced I don't need progresterone support given this crappy luteal phase I have, as well as going over everything that happened this cycle. Then we need to decide on a game plan. I'm unconvinced that it's worth trying IUI again. We might as well pull out the big guns. I'm also fairly sure that we won't be able to do IVF this cycle as I don't have the drugs ready to go and I'm sure we'll have to have another one of those bloody stupid induction appointments at the clinic before we can even get a prescription.

I'm so very very angry that they didn't do the insemination that it's hard for me to stop being angry long enough to type this. We had FIVE follicles! FIVE! And three days worth of do-it-yourself sperm deposits outside my cervix didn't do any good. So, either my eggs are crap, or there's a problem with my cervix, or the endometriosis has come back faster than expected, or there's a problem with implantation. That's four reasons why it might not have worked, but there were FIVE follicles! Couldn't we have had just one? Five months worth of trying in one go, and it didn't work. What hope do we have of this ever working?

I know you're all going to tell me that there's much more that we can do, not to give up hope etc. And I know that others have gone through so much worse than this so this is going to seem incredibly self-pitying and insensitive. I do know that. But right now I can't feel anything but hopeless. If I couldn't get pregnant with five follices and a two week holiday to do nothing but eat good food, relax, do yoga and swim a lot, what chance do I have of ever getting pregnant at all?

Comments

[Z]

so sorry...i wish i had more comforting words...{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Katie]

I'm so sorry, I won't say anything about what comes next, I know hearing that can be frustrating. I'm thinking about you...

[reprogirl]

Oh Thalia, I'm so sorry, what a bummer.

So much of this is just a crapshoot. You know, people pump us up with so much propaganda about how it's all about doing yoga and relaxing and having the right attitude. I suppose some of that can help, and medical help can help a lot, lot more, but a big huge part of it is just goddamn bitch chance. I don't know if that's a helpful thought in any way, but I'd say consider it an excuse to eat some really bad (but good) food and take a tiny quick break from thinking there's something wrong with you and it's your fault.

One day the dice will roll your way. But in the meantime get out there and get yourself some weighted dice.

[Dooneybug]

Oh honey, I'm so, so sorry. Have yourself a glass of wine, at least that's what I do every month.

[Panda]

The reality is that getting pregnant is a crapshoot. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to why it happens or why it doesnt when it looks like it should.

I gotta say though, yoga and relaxing and healthy food never helped anyone get pregnant. Its a myth perpetuated by all those uber-fertile myrtles who want us to feel bad. Screw them. Eat junk food, drink, do all the things you've been denying yourself.

[Nico]

Argh! I was so hoping that this would be it for you.

I had a ten day LF after my first IUI, and basically demanded progesterone from my doc. Next LF was 16 days. Not that it helped - but at least it made me feel better. (And I think it did help give my cysts more time to resolve.)

Since you probably won't be able to try IVF this cycle, maybe give an IUI one more shot?

Unfortunately I don't know what happened with InSpring, the post about her going through rough times was on someone else's site. Anyone else know?

[Amanda]

Shit. I'm so sorry. Good luck with your appointment. I hope you can get some answers and formulate a new plan.

[susan/holdingpattern]

I have to echo Panda. To get pregnant, you need that sperm to find the egg and then for it to implant in your uterine lining. Yoga, swimming, relaxing and food won't do that. (ok, maybe food if it can somehow improve your uterine lining). Just remember, they used to tell stomach ulcer patients that their problems were caused by "stress", and recommended all the same remedies - until they found that the vast majority were caused by bacteria. I don't buy the stress bullshit. It just makes you feel guilty, increases your stress even more, and gives the docs an equivalent way to say "I don't know" while avoiding blame.

You have an excellent chance of getting pregnant. Really, I do. I know you don't want to hear it right now. I can so relate to the feeling of helplessness. But please don't give up, not yet.

[B. Mare]

Well, shit. I am sorry. Now, some assvice. I'm not sure what forms you filled out for the IUI, if any, but if memory serves, HFEA consider that "unlicensed treatment". So I believe you are right in thinking that if you decide to do IVF you will be required to do all the induction crap- most of which is filling out the licensed treatment consent forms ad nauseum. If nothing else, I urge you to find out when you could have that appointment because for us it was an eight week lead in time (though of course our clinic was crap about scheduling and you are already in the system with your clinic).

As for the rest, well-there is some room on my atoll, if you fancy it. Perhaps we can work on building a canoe together.

[Em]

What do they recommend to increase the luteal phase? I am sorry about your period.

[wessel]

Oh, Thalia, I am so sorry. It is very hard to understand how you can have so many follicles and no pregnancy (I've been through that many times, I hate to tell you, and I laugh now to remember all the times I actually worried about twins! Hah. Little did I know). Please don't worry about the IUI though. Unless you have a cervical mucous problem, I doubt if IUI is even necessary. It is not a magic bullet, in other words. To be honest, all my pregnancies were either from intercourse or IVF--I never once got pregnant on an IUI cycle. And my husband has some male factor issues, too. So there. I have no faith in IUI anyway. The only reason it would be prudent for you is because it would remove some of the stress from your DH if you could have some sperm on ice to pull out whenever you needed it. But in terms of its value as a procedure--I'm not convinced that it increases success rates much unless you have a mucous problem.

Can you move on to IVF soon? Are there rules in your country about how and when to move on to IVF? I found it very helpful to pull the old eggs out and get a look-see at them. That was very illuminating--learned that some follicles are empty after all, that some eggs are immature or abnormal, that some don't fertilize, etc. These are things you don't know when you just do a stim cycle.

I found that being healthier DID make me feel better and I got pregnant spontaneously a couple of times during my health kick phase. However, there are many many testimonies of women who said they gave up all that and went back to their crap diets and crap lifestyles and then and only then did they get pregnant! So, what can you say. It probably does not make a huge difference and certainly you should not assume that if you couldn't get pregnant after yoga and a vacation, you never will! Not true.

Sigh.

[wessel]

One more thing--you need some progesterone. Will the clinic agree to put you on it as a matter of course? If not, you can self medicate. In our country, we can buy progesterone cream over the counter (I mean, the real stuff, not the hyped up counterfeit "wild yam" shit). I buy Emerita brand, which is certified by MD's to contain a certain percentage of progesterone. You put 1/4 to 1/2 on your skin once or twice daily and rub it in. It is amazingly effective, and it helped to elongate my luteal phase nicely. Fourteen days after ovulation, you can do a beta. If negative, stop the cream. In a day or two, your period will come and you start a new cycle. Emerita brand progesterone is natural progesterone, so is not dangerous or toxic to you or an embryo.

[PJ]

I so sorry Thalia. I hope the doctor will actually start listening to you now.

I'm glad you had such a good holiday and I'm so sorry it had to end so badly.

[Julianna]

I am so sorry Thalia.

I have to say, I am so glad that you went ahead and tried to give those five follicles a shot. I know it was a brave choice, not knowing what would happen.

I agree with others about going to IVF ASAP because like wessel said, IUI is a waste of time and money for the most part.

You will get tons of information.

I was so hoping that your last cycle would work.

I'm so sorry.

[Simone]

Thalia, what rotten, disappointing news. It's outrageous how our hopes can be sky high one minute & then sent plummeting back to Earth with a sickening thud the next. You take some time to grieve, swear, stamp your feet & scream. You are entitled to feel entirely crappy. We'll be here waiting & ready to face the next hurdle with you.

[chee chee]

Oh hun, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is incredibly frustrating. I hope your appointment provided you with some answers.

[T]

I'm sorry - good luck with your appointment. I also believe that it's all just a crap shoot (but stick with the yoga - it's good for the head if you do go ahead with ivf). Take care.

[Emily]

I'm sorry Thalia. I agree with Wessel that IVF is a good idea and that IUIs are a waste of time and money. IVF, while not perfect, is the best thing to see what's going on.

[Amyesq]

Oh fuckety fuck. I am so sorry. I do have to say I agree with what the others said about IUI v. IVF. It is a big step, but it is the best option right now.