I feel just like a lesbian

Wow. Thank you so much for yesterday's comments. Your ideas were gratefully received. Last night, we tried fooling around for a while but H was just getting more and more tense. I offered him the cup and syringe method, and he at first declined as he felt like a failure for doing so. After 30 minute or so he gave in and went away and did the deed, returning with what he called a 'special delivery'. As I injected the sperm (5ml syringe, no needle), I thought of our lesbian friends, T and S, and how they'd done something like this for a few months each before conceiving their son and daughter (2 years apart).

I haven't yet had an LH surge, so we have time for more tries after H can get the drugs on Monday. Blood on Friday said my LH level was 3.0, and I've been peeing on OPKs ever since, and they are all clearly negative. I bought the wrong brand unfortunately. I've always used the digital ones, although I take them apart afterwards and examine the lines. This time I picked up the basic ones by mistake, which was a bit irrirating. But the test line is clearly shadowy - almost invisible until 5 mins or so after I've taken the test, so I'm pretty sure I'm reading them right. Should I give myself the ovitrell shot? I thought I might as well wait to have my own surge.

Re wessell's question on H and ambivalence. No, he's not ambivalent about having a baby. He is, however, messed up about the impotence. He's seen a counsellor on and off about this problem for nearly 2 years, and I've also gone with him on a few occasions, but once it starts working for a few tries he stops going. Then the problem recurs - which might be ok if he could just forget it and move on - but instead he freaks out and the problem is back to stay. That's happened twice now. The counsellor got very cross with him the first time it happened, because he had told H to keep coming and discussing the issues, but H had heard: "You're fixed, don't come back". The counsellor said that H was a lazy thinker who just wanted the difficult things to go away, and so heard what he wanted to hear.

I discussed that issue with H last night and he agreed. Every time I try to discuss what's going on with him and this issue, he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it - that this is not a good time. But it's never a good time, that's the problem. On the occasions we have been able to talk about it I've said so much to him about this: that I love him no matter what, that it's worked in the past (on our wedding night and on honeymoon he had no problem, even without drugs), that I'll do what it takes to help him. Nothing seems to help.

He has an appointment with a new counsellor when we get back from holiday. He's cancelled it twice for work, I just hope he doesn't cancel it again. It's not about the conception, really, we can do that other ways as you guys pointed out, it's about us having a strong marriage which can survive anything. I am convinced he is the man for me, but I think a marriage needs a sexual connection, and he's lost that confidence.

This sadly meant that he was in a bad mood for the rest of the evening because we'd resorted to using the syringe. It is the old cliche - he felt like less of a man, having to do that. In the end I left him to watch motorbikes, and came upstairs to read some more blogs. I'm sad for him but don't know how to help him with this. In the end, I can't make his brain ok about this. Only he can do that.

Comments

[susie]

Good for you. Good for H. I am hopeful that this will work. And also that the new counselor will be able to help.

I am thinking of you, Thalia.

[Pamplemousse]

If you have the Ovitrelle, then take it now. It means all the follicles will be forced to ovulate, rather than just one. If you take it today, time your intercourse or insemination for 24-36 hours hence(from time of injection). I did not realise that you had the HCG. My NHS clinic withholds it until you are given the go-ahead to trigger.

You still have a chance to salvage something but don't waste any more time.

[Teendoc]

I am the poster child for sexual dysfunction in marriage. My husband has a masturbation addiction and is in recovery. This makes it so difficult for him to perform with a partner unless Viagra is involved.

I worry that your husband is being avoidant of his problem. I hope he will see a counselor well versed in sexual counseling. It took my husband quite some time to acknowledge the seriousness of his problem. And the treatment is lengthy as well.

If you ever want to chat on this not-well-understood topic, I'm here. I find it is a difficult one to broach with my friends. (big surprise!)

[Julianna]

YIPPEE for syringes!!!!

I am so glad that you are not letting this cycle go to waste. Trust the other girls about the Ovitrelle, I have no idea about that one.

I think this is good. You know you haven't ovulated so it is not too late. Keep doing the insemination and know that you gave it your best shot in spite of your doctors. What a story that will be if you get pregnant! Congratulations on going ahead with it.

Forgive me again, but you and your husband are going through too much right now.......you both have plenty of time to get a great sex life working, the last thing you both need is more stress or pressure. Love him, encourage him, give him the cup and however he wants to do it, fine........you just need the sperm right now. Put the impotency on the shelf if you can. I am so proud that he gave you your special delivery and we need him to give you these presents for the next few days - it's wonderful - presents.

Thinking of you.

[millie]

I'm so glad you took some action. It's great that you took matters into your own hands (so to speak). It would really be criminal to let those beautiful follies go to waste.

I also hope the new counselor helps. Not to give assvice but if I were you, I'd take Liana up on her offer to chat. Not only does she know an incredible amount, she's also very easy (and fun) to chat with. I keep her on speed dial. She doesn't even bill me.

[kate #2]

What a great wife you are -- at least your hubby is open to seeing a counselor. That would have to be very hard on a man. Although, isn't IF hard on a woman?