Thank you so much for yesterday. We got through it in one piece, and having cooked a lovely meal, even if the chicken and rice were both a little overcooked (now usually I KNOW that you don't cook the rice for as long as it says on the packet. Why did I have to forget yesterday? And I know that that chicken dish is delicious but LOADS of work, why do I forget that every time? Remind me next time that even though Nigel says an hour in the oven, 40 minutes would be fine). My trifle was a triumph, so much so that the wife of one of my colleagues asked if she could take a picture of it before we dug in. And she doesn't like deserts.
I spent the evening feeling somewhat tense. I have vague occasional cramps. Nothing close to "Oh I'm miscarrying," but enough to make me tense. If I wasn't bleeding I'd have written them off as just stretching etc. No gunk overnight, and I used the progesterone suppository anally to see if that would help. By an hour after getting up this morning the gunk was back. It's good that it requires gravity to descend, but I still wish it would stop.
No matter how many times you or the docs said to me yesterday, "it's brown blood, it's ok," it was still a miserable time. I realised, and regretted not acknowledging more, that I've often felt happy and optimistic over the last few weeks. That 9 week scan was really miraculous, seeing arms and legs and wriggling for the first time. And the scan 10 days ago where I heard the heartbeat. I walked out of the scan room each time in a daze of happiness. And yesterday we got a shocking reminder that it could all get taken away from us, and the happiness quotient went down considerably, even though I knew after the scan that it was just a minor setback, not a major disaster. So I regret not relishing the happiness more. I resolve that the next time I get my happiness back I will immediately write a post to capture it for all time, no matter what happens subsequently!
I'm taking the opportunity of an unscheduled morning (well, till 11) to stay at home for a few hours and just chill out. I feel very naughty. Given I'm supposed to be in NY for a meeting on Friday afternoon, and then in Florida on Monday evening, I guess it's ok not to feel too guilty. Given what happened yesterday I'm fairly sure I'm going to bail on one of those trips, probably the Florida one as it's an internal conference and not really essential to my job (although bailing is frowned upon). The smart thing to do would have been to have had a weekend in NYC, do some maternity clothes shopping (hah!) since the exchange rate means that basically everything in the US is free right now, and then fly down to Florida on Monday, but yesterday the top restaurant in the world (well, in the UK anyway) called and said that they had an unexpected cancellation for Saturday lunch, did we want it? I've been on their waiting list for months as it's H's birthday next week (HELP! I have no presents for him what shall I do?). I'm not about to turn that down so I've grabbed it. I could I suppose let H take his dad or something, but it seems a shame to lose the chance to have a marvellous meal just because of the flying issue. Must think more about that one. Or just make a gut decision sometime tomorrow.
Of course tomorrow is the nuchal etc., and at the place we are going to they will do CVS straight afterwards if we come back high risk, and if we decide we are prepared to take the risk, which I'm still not sure about, particularly after the bleeding episode. If we do go for it there wont be any flying anywhere. Which would be a relief.