Thalia's fertility journey: hopefully more comedy than tragedy

The last time

On Sunday night, Pob's seven month birthday, we had our last breastfeed. I talked to her gently as she sucked away, and told her it was the last time. It was a lovely feed. I put her into bed after her story and her song, and came downstairs for dinner. H and I shared half a bottle of wine. It felt ok.

On Monday night I gave her her bottle. Throughout she kept diving for my boob, and whining. She drank the bottle ok, however, so I kept going with the routine, telling her the 'hippos go beserk' story and singing to her once she was in her swaddle in the cot. Then, as usual, I gave her her dummy and left the room. And she started crying. So I went back in, told her everything was ok, and left the room. And then she started crying again. Lather, rinse, repeat for 45 minutes before she eventually settled. I figured it was a bit of mourning for the boob, although I was surprised as she hadn't seemed to mind any of the previous feeds stopping.

On Tuesday we went through our usual routine. And this time it took 20 minutes to settle her. Better than last night, I thought. We're on the way up.

On Wednesday it took 30 minutes.

Tonight it took 1 hour 20 minutes, and she only settled in the end after H rocked her to sleep in the glider.

I dunno what to do. I don't want to go back to breastfeeding (oh I do I do, but I want to give my body some recovery time, not to mention the chance to get pregnant again), and let's face it, I'm sure there's not much milk in there for her right now. I don't want to have an unhappy baby, either. And I'm drawing a veil over the night time sleeping (ok, since you ask, last night I gave her a dream feed at 2230, then she woke at 215, settled on her own, 235, needed attention, 415, needed settling, 445, needed the dummy, 6am, was awake and didn't go back to sleep, although she was ok being entertained by her mobile for 20 minutes or so while I tried to pretend I was still sleeping). I'm worried that taking her away on Sunday is going to make it all worse, and worried about my mother looking after her all day - it turns out this training course I'm running is a very full agenda so I'm not sure I'll even be able to settle her each night.

Other than sleep things are wonderful. She naps beautifully during the day. She's really enjoying her solid food, and has become quite the roly poly baby. She tries to charm everyone she meets. She's gorgeous.

I just wish she'd sleep at night.

Pob at six months

She's six months old. I've put away most of her 3-6 month size clothes as she's already too big for them, and some of the French and Italian 9-month size are only going to last another week or so. Those continental babies must be much skinnier than our English ones. But as my old nanny used to say, this is a baby who pays for dressing - she looks adorable in most things I put her in.

On the day of her half birthday she looked like a 1950s baby in a little sailor dress, all big smiles, mohican hair and lots of drool. Yesterday, when we had a few friends and family over for tea she wowed the crowds in trousers and a navy shirt, covered for the first part of the party by a long-sleeved bib which was rapidly smeared with the very delicious banana and apple she had for tea. She was very good natured as she was passed from lap to lap, grinning at everyone who smiled at her, peering around me as I fed her to look at the assembled crowds. Eventually at about 5pm she'd had enough and screeched loudly until I took her up for a nap. Unusually for her, she needed me to stay with her until she settled. I patted her gently and she stared at me with slightly worried eyes until eventually, with a big sigh, she spat out the dummy, turned her head and went to sleep. By the time she woke up everyone had gone, and when I brought her back downstairs she kept looking around the room, and then looking up at me, as if to ask where her adoring fan club had gone.

She loves people. When I take her to Gymboree she spends most of the time looking at the other babies and at the instructor, giving the adults in particular big gummy grins. After she grins she usually has to hide her head in my shoulder, as if her own charm is overwhelming her. This love of faces now extends to her toys, and she shows a marked preference for dolls and animal toys. Of course the first thing she does is to stick their heads in her mouth, but still, it's a preference. Jimbo the clown is the one toy we can use to make her laugh - singing the Jimbo song (to the tune of 'Wheels on the bus') makes her giggle with joy.

She's been sitting unaided since the day of her half birthday. She'd been managing 30 seconds or so for the last week or so, but that day was the first she really sat, bolt upright, and even managed to correct herself when she wobbled by throwing out her arm. She still has a tendency to overbalance and fall backwards, so some strategically placed pillows, or Mummy's legs, are still essential. If she goes forwards she simply rolls herself onto her arms, so that direction doesn't need protection to the same extent. The arrival of the Mozart cube from the US has helped the sitting up, as it keeps her entertained while she leans forward to chew on a corner or lean on a panel, and the lights keep her watching it as she sits upright and wobbles to and fro. Our early observation that music seemed to help calm her has been confirmed by her special interest in this toy, as well as by her wondering look and instant silence if she's been screamy, when we launch into song.

She now won't stay on her back for more than a few seconds, rolling over onto her tummy is now essential. Once on her tummy, though, she rapidly gets frustrated by her inability to go anywhere - and rolling back onto her back seems not to be the point, even though she can do it if she wants to. Instead, she wiggles desperately on her tummy in one of two ways - using her tummy as a pivot she rocks back and forth, kicking her legs and waving her arms, or she plants her face to the floor and wriggles one leg forward under her hips, then the other in a crawling motion but without ever having both her hips up in the air at the same time. She will eventually pause and lift herself up on her arms with a big sigh, looking around and exclaiming loudly at the annoyances of life. Our downstairs floor is slippery enough that this motion often pushes her backwards, and this really drives her bananas as she just gets further away from the object of interest. She can, however, twist herself round on her tummy to get at something she's interested in, or to watch us as we move around her. I regularly come back from the loo to find she's in a completely different position than when I left her. We keep meaning to start child proofing, but have done nothing about it yet. I'm sure that will come back to haunt us.

I bought her a bouncer a few weeks ago and she LOVES it especially when we turn on the nasty flashing lights. It's a horrible piece of plastic tat, the kind of thing you always thought you no child of yours would ever be allowed, but we don't have any doorways suitable for one of the plain door frame-based bouncers so it was this or nothing. And it makes her so happy, who I am to deny her the flashing lights and tinny music.  She loves bouncing enough that she often does it when being held upright on our laps, too, and this child is STRONG!

She was starting to babble about two weeks ago, saying 'Ma' for the first time on Mothering Sunday, followed by a selection of 'ba's 'da's and 'ya's. Since she started on the crawling motions and sitting, she's been babbling less, although I could have sworn she did a 'Mama' yesterday. Her cries of outrage also sound more like talking now. She doesn't just blow us an outraged raspberry, she articulates her frustration with a range of vowel sounds. This happens when I take her off the boob for a burp, when we aren't responding fast enough to her need for food once I've put her in the high chair, or when we've left her too long on her playmat without attention.

Feeding is going well. We started giving her solids a couple of weeks ago, and so far she's loved everything except broccoli, potato and mango (not together). Her favourite seems to be pear, with a mixture of avocado and banana a close second. I've been steaming and purreeing up a storm, and we now have a freezer full of cubes of courgette, apple, pear, sweet potato, butternut squash, carrot, broccoli, cauliflower, and pea. Today we'll give her courgette for the first time, tomorrow perhaps a second go at potato as the first one didn't mash well so she got a bunch of larger lumps in her mouth which made her gag. The solids have reduced her milk drinking somewhat - I breast feed her before each of her two solid meals a day then offer her milk again afterwards but she usually doesn't want it, or takes only an ounce. She has a huge bottle feed just before bed - often taking around 300mls (10 oz) - of a mixture of breast milk and formula, depending on how much I've pumped. And that's the big revolution around here, I've stopped pumping during the day. I started off by missing it, feeling it was a waste to leave any milk in the boobs at the end of a feed, but the extra benefits of having more time to do things, has persuaded me it's worthwhile. I've also skipped a couple of the 330am pumps, and although I'm not really feeling any less sleep deprived, I'm feeling better about starting to wean from the pump. Plus it means she gets a great feed when she wakes up, so that feels good.

The next step for us is to gradually reduce the breastfeeding. I feel incredibly proud of what we've achieved. After having successfully breast fed at the British Museum this week, and rather less successfully at the Natural History Museum - the difference being I was in private at the first, and in public at the second and BOY does this baby prefer to look around than to suck - I've managed to do what I always envisaged. I'm not ready to stop, but the looming of my return to work, and the need to start my reproductive system going again, mean it's time. I'm down to 30mg of domperidone a day, and expect to have stopped taking it by the end of the month. So far my supply seems to have persisted quite well, at least enough to get through four or five feeds a day, plus a couple of decent pumps - one in place of the dream feed and one in the middle of the night if I choose to do it. The next step is to drop a day time feed, and I haven't felt quite ready to do that yet, but I know it's necessary if we're even going to attempt giving Pob a sibling, and you know how important I think that is. It's coming. I'll miss it, but it's time.

Sleeping is better. We got her back to sleeping through the night by offering her 'hungry baby' formula at the dream feed, after her breast feed. That meant she just woke up once, usually around three, but was easily settled with a dummy and a bit of patting. Then we got ambitious. Two nights ago we decided to skip the dream feed. She always seemed to hate being woken, and it seemed worth a try. The first night she went til around 330, and after a go at settling her we gave in and fed her around 415. The second night - last night - she woke just once, at midnight, and settled after 10 minutes of patting. It seems we might be about to have a baby who sort of sleeps through the night. For a short while, I'm not counting any chickens, you understand.

What we didn't count on is how much WE enjoyed the dream feed. Although I know it's supposed to involve keeping the baby almost asleep while you feed, it never worked that way for us as by the time I'd breastfed the sleepy baby, then we'd given her the top up bottle, and changed her nappy, she was always pretty much awake. And we both really enjoyed hanging out together in bed with her. She'd be very smiley and happy, and often very cute as she drifted between sleep and sucking. When I breastfed her at this feed she's often fall asleep on me, and I'd pull her off the boob and let her sleep in my arms for a few minutes, enjoying the sneaky cuddle time that she doesn't allow when she's awake. When she'd scream because we'd interrupted her eating to burp her we'd sing to help her calm down and she'd look at us with such a look of puzzlement we'd always burst out laughing.We didn't do one final dream feed to enjoy it that last time, and so the first night we went without it we really struggled, sitting together on the sofa, moaning about how much we missed her. We don't know how to recreate that particular snuggle time, we'll have to figure something out as we're both in serious withdrawal.

Pob is a real person now, a real person who loves us and who loves our friends and family. She loves music. She loves bouncing. She's fascinated by mugs and glasses and water bottles. She sticks everything in her mouth. She loves Jimbo the clown. She loves pears and apples and carrots and butternut squash. She doesn't like being held too tight when there is a world to look at. I miss the tiny baby, but I love the explorer she's becoming.  Roll on the next six months. 

Boob update

Thank you to everyone who has been enquiring re boobs. I'm now fairly sure that the little lumps on the nipple are blood blisters. A bit similar to 'blebs' or milk blisters, but with blood inside due to over-enthusiastic pumping (I think). I've tried squeezing them but can't get them to go, and the same squirt of milk comes from in between them if I test it while Pob is feeding. But she now seems to be feeding ok on that side, and that boob has stopped hurting, no more shooting pains or nipple soreness, so I'm just leaving it for the time being. I know that's a head in the sand thing, but since I've got no breast lumps etc., and it's not hurting, I'm not worried.

In other boob updates, I've been weaning off the domperidone and am now down to 90mg/day, down from 120mg/day. As I mentioned before, I saw an immediate drop in how much I could pump, and it's dropped a bit further since then, but Pob has also taken to refusing or taking only a very little top-up at each feed, so I think she has simultaneously got a lot better at emptying the breasts. As this has become clearer, it's helped me see that the challenges we had with breastfeeding were indeed partially due to Pob's poor sucking rather than just the problems with my supply. Of course secretly I thought all along that it was 'all my fault' despite everyone's diagnosis of the contrary. It's good to know it wasn't all me - not sure why that matters, but it feels like an important realisation.

I can't really express how very glad I am that we persevered with breast feeding. Although many people told us I was bananas, what we have now is close to what I always wanted (well, I didn't imagine the pumping, but that has become less onerous as the feeding itself has got better). Pob strokes what she can reach of my breast and chest while we're feeding. She pulls off and grins up at me occasionally. She opens her mouth like a baby bird as I pull her in towards me and makes little contented 'hmm hmms' as she sucks. It's tremendously satisfying, and I feel very lucky that we got to this place, even if our time here will be short. I don't know what it would be like to have stopped earlier, of course, and it would certainly have given us more time when we could have gotten out of the house, but for us, for me, I'm glad we chose to persevere through the crap, that the domperidone built my supply sufficiently that it was possible for us to get here.

The boobs, they are not happy

A week ago, I decided it was time to reduce the domperidone dose. The extra weight is starting to make me really grumpy, and I thought it was worth a try. I dropped one pill a day, from 12 to 11, starting on Saturday. On Friday I pumped 460mls, on Saturday 400, on Sunday 325. Hmm. Who knew that dropping one pill would make such a difference? There may also be a Pob effect going on as she can now empty a breast pretty effectively in about 15 minutes, so perhaps she's taking more out. Odd how that coincided so precisely with the drop in dose. I'm going to drop another pill soon, so we'll see.

The real unhappiness in the boobs, however, is that I keep getting shooting pains in my right boob after feeding or pumping. It really hurts quite a bit. In addition, there are three little bumpy nodules on the nipple which don't want to go away. I have no idea what they are. One looked dark for a while so I wondered if it was a blood blister, but it has now lightened to about the same colour as the rest of the breast tissue. Pob has started fussing on that breast, so I'm wondering if these are blocking the milk flow in some way. When I hand express, I often get a real squirt from that breast, but it comes from in between these little nodules. Any clues? Is the sharp pain thrush?

I know I should go to the doc, but honestly I don't think my GP has any clue at all about breasts so I'm not sure how much help it would be. And I'm not calling out one of those unhelpful lactation consultants again. So for now I am grinning and bearing it.

Feeding, part one million and two

The feeding has been going pretty well, with a few blips. We're breast feeding, then supplementing while I pump at each feed. Just before Christmas I weighed Pob and found out she'd lost 200 grams (approx 7oz) over the last week, so we went on a feed-Pob-up binge, offering her 150mls after each breast feed to see how much she'd take. H would force feed her at night to make sure she got a big feed, and when we got back from the country we found she'd gained 750 grams in a week. Which I think means that the measurement the day I found she'd lost weight was probably off as I think it's close to impossible for her to have gained that much in a week. But it's all good as it meant she is back on the curve and I don't have to freak out (again). Since then she's been steadily gaining 100-200 grammes a week, and taking anywhere between 50 and 120 mls after each feed.

I've started to really enjoy the breast feeding itself. While we were away over New Year, and then a few times since, she has woken up early a few times, and I have taken to bringing her into bed with me and dozing while she feeds for an hour or so. These have been very much the kind of calm, loving, affectionate breastfeeding experiences that I'd really wanted. I'm so very glad I persevered with this, even though it continues to be a pain in the arse, and to massively restrict my movements with her. My friends ask why don't I stop pumping, and just breast feed and supplement with formula, but (i) I'd rather she got breastmilk if possible and (ii) I'm not sure I'd have enough milk for her to tolerate breastfeeding without the additional stimulation of pumping.

The pumping was going pretty well, such that we were only on formula for one feed every 3-4 days. I stopped taking any supplements before Christmas as I couldn't see what effect they were having. I started again in early January, but didn't see any impact so I've now stopped and am fairly sure I won't go back to them. I am still on Domperidone and will start to taper off it once I decide how much longer I'll persevere with feeding.

I say 'was going' above because it's been a bit of a crappy few days with the pump - my supply dropped about 20% from what I was pumping over the Christmas break. Not really sure why. This was then compounded by my rented Medela Symphony breaking on Sunday night, so I had to go back to first the Lactina I still had (rental, hadn't returned it yet, have now) and then the Pump in Style while I waited for a replacement. All I can say is ouch. My nipples may never forgive me, that Pump in Style is tough. Once I got the replacement Symphony going today I could barely feel it compared to the irriration of the Pump in Style. If you're finding this post while deciding what pump to use, all I can say is, shell out for the Symphony, and goodness knows don't bother with a Lactina. At least a Pump in Style is portable, the Lactina in my experience purports to be 'hospital grade' but gives less stimulation than the Pump in Style.

The fact that the feeding has been going well, and has become quite enjoyable, means it's hard to stop. I always thought I would stop before I went back to work, and I've decided to return to work at the end of April, in three months time. It will just be too hard to maintain feeding given my hours and the potential travel. But now I've worked this hard to get this far, I'm really reluctant to stop. I know I couldn't pump through my kind of work, but I'm wondering if I could maintain enough supply to still do a morning and/or an evening feed, although I suspect my supply will tank if I start to cut back on what I'm doing. Also, I don't want to start tapering down the feeding until I have to. Possibly late March, I'm not really sure. We'll see when we get there.

I know there will be benefits to stopping, but the benefits are mostly about me, and not benefits for Pob. It would allow me to cut back on the domperidone, which will help curb my appetite, which means hopefully I could start to lose some of this weight. Currently I'd have to buy a new wardrobe to go back to work in as I can't fit into any of my suits! My boobs would hopefully shrink a bit which would make running possible. I'd have a bit more time - time I could spend doing a bit more of a variety of activities with Pob as well as time to finish writing thank you cards, etc. I might even manage to cook dinner for H at some point.

So I want to continue with the currrent regime not just because I'm enjoying it even while I resent it, but also because it seems to work best for Pob, to give her the best possible nutrition. I don't know how much longer that will stay true, but it's true for now. Of course, there's the additional drive which is that we can't start to  reliably try again for number 2 until I've had one normal cycle, so at some point that will become a strong driver to stop. Perhaps the strongest, since I want to at least try for another one because I think that's best for Pob. It will be easier to stop if I feel it's doing something for her.

When she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid

We're back from a week in the frozen North of England. It was quite frozen, we had snow and hail and rain and driving winds, but we had a lovely time. Although having a lovely time involved torturing poor Pob somewhat by bundling her into a snow suit and strapping her to her father's chest every time we left the house. Even so he had to walk holding his rain coat around her when we were on the beach so that the wind didn't get into the small gap between his chest and her face. He's rather hardy and enjoys the wilder weather, so he didn't mind too much although a lack of gloves I'm sure meant that his hands were absolutely frozen.

Pob was a total angel on the car journey. We left around 10am, she slept for 1.5 hours, we stopped for lunch and she woke, we fed her and changed her, got back in the car, she slept for 2 hours, we stopped again to feed her etc., got back in the car, and drove for a further hour and a bit to our destination, during which she slept. I pumped after each stop and it went fine, it was much less awkward than I thought it would be - I just wore my pumping bra under my clothes, and wore a loose top over the top. I'm sure a couple of passing drivers got an eyeful of a nipple or two, but it didn't bother me and the yield was rather good. On the way back Pob was slightly worse, she got fed up for the last 20 minutes or so as we neared home and was very screamy but still, I couldn't quite believe our luck.

On the other hand, she has decided that going down for a nap or for the night is for the birds, and is now screaming the place down as we try and settle her. We've tried swaddling/not swaddling, going through a routine in the evening of feed/bath/books/bed, rocking/not rocking, singing/not singing, it doesn't seem to make much difference. She does go down just fine after the 11pm feed, even though she's wide awake when we put her down - something about the dark and quiet that helps perhaps? I think it's something to do with her increased awareness of the world and her own skills. She learnt to blow raspberries a few days ago, and now I hear her lying in her crib, practising blowing them and occasionally stopping to chat a little, it's very adorable.

She also has started to grasp things. When I shake her rattle in front of her she focuses really really hard on it, wobbling her head back and forth as she does so, and after 30 seconds or so she starts to try and reach out for it. She doesn't always get it, but she is trying, and on New Year's Eve she managed to grab and hold the rattle for a minute or so, a couple of times. We were very over-excited.

We saw the new year in dancing around the room to the sounds of Jools Holland's Hootenanny, watching the fireworks go off across the bay, illuminating the nearby castle. It was such a perfect moment, it made me cry. As did reading to Pob a few times from the copy of 'When we were very young' that I found at the cottage. Both are moments I'd dreamed of through the years of infertility, and even before that, and they happened. And they were perfect. Yes, she was rather wriggly while I read to her, yes she was a bit screamy when we put her to bed after the dancing, but those moments were perfect nonetheless, and they outweigh any amount of wriggling and screaming. We are so very lucky, and we continue to bask in that every day, screaminess or no.

Hitting the nail on the head

A conversation with one of my oldest friends.

Thalia: General whining about breastfeeding. Missing out on bonding at the breast. Wanted to bond. Moan moan worry whine moan

Friend: T, there is more to your relationship with Pob than sticking your tit in her mouth every few hours

Thalia: Stunned silence.

She's got a point, don't you think?

Luckily I know not to quit on a bad day

On Sunday, I pumped 595ml. I've never pumped anything like that much - the previous high was 525ml and that had only happened once. I was bouncing between 420ish and 490ish a day, which was allowing me to only use formula every 3-4 days. Given where we've come from, you can imagine I was feeling a little smug about that. I'd accomplish this by pumping once in the middle of the night, since she's stopped waking between midnight and 7. That gave me around 100ml. Then I'd pump after each feed, and I've been following electriclady's advice, and just leaving the pump stuff set up and getting in a sneaky 10 minutes here and there as well, which had given me an extra 80ml or so a day. All this pumping, plus taking a bunch of supplements, plus the domperidone, and I felt like we had a routine which was manageable, and, indeed, quite rewarding after all we'd been through. She has been going on the breast at every feed, and we've been having a nice time together, and then she gets filled up with a bottle. She's gaining weight beautifully, and looks wonderful, and we were doing it almost entirely on breast milk. I could see that I didn't want to continue this forever, because it was stopping me from getting out of the house much, but I wasn't prepared to give it up just yet.

Then, over the last few days, two things happened. The first is that she started fussing at the breast, coming on and off, and, at 3 feeds over the last 2 days, screaming inconsolably until I gave up and gave her a bottle. It's the bad old days of 2-3 weeks old all over again. The second is that the pumping volume has gone way down. I still get a good pump at about 4am, and I can get a good volume in the morning by pumping after my shower - i.e., about 30 minutes after the morning feed has ended - but then that's it, the rest of the day I'm struggling to get 40mls after a feed.  know that 6 weeks ago I'd have been delighted by that, but now it feels like such a step backwards. Well, it is a step backwards!

When the post-feed volume started to decrease about a week ago, I just assumed it was because she was taking more from the boobs (I've certainly felt that she's been sucking better), and that the boobs would catch up and I'd get back to pumping more again in due course if I kept stimulating them. So I added in extra pumps between feeds to try and get more volume, and to add stimulation. To no avail, I'm just killing my nipples to get an extra 20mls or so. Sunday, it turns out, was a bit of a fluke, and anyway was accomplished by adding in two extra between-feed pumps, which is not a habit that's conducive to having a life.

The breast refusal is worse. That takes me back to my saddest, darkest moments since she was born. The thought, the feeling, that she doesn't enjoy nursing, is a horrible blow to my self-esteem and a hit to the nursing relationship I thought we'd established. What I have craved, over and above the need to nourish my baby, is the desire for a lovely bonding experience at the breast. After the initial three weeks of struggle, I thought we'd got to a good place with that, but now it seems she's got fed up with the slow flow and wants the bottle more than me. Ugh. This is compounded by my worry over the last week or so that she's not really bonded to me - she seems to be as happy with my mum, or H's mum, or H, as she is with me.

Well, this has to be the dullest post ever.

The point is, I thought we had a system which I could keep up for maybe another month, get her to 4 months, before I started to taper off so that it wasn't too much of a shock to the system when I went back to work, and so I could start to exercise a bit more and shed the awful, flabby 30 extra pounds I still have to lose. I was feeling ok about it because I had such a sense of achievement about where we've got to, and what I was managing to produce, even if it was horribly hard work. But today it doesn't feel worthwhile. Funny how hung up on the numbers I've got, my sense of self worth tied almost solely to ml pumped/ml supplemented per day.

However, as the title says, I know not to quit on a bad day. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Btw, I don't want a lot of comments telling me to give up, because although I know everyone means well, it's not what I need to hear. I know it's ok to give up, I know she'll be fine on formula, but I want to breast feed her, and if that's my main job right now, I want to do it as well as I can. I'm ok, really I am, I'm just having one of those moments.

She's still wonderful, by the way.

In which my body proves, yet again, that it is the boss of me

My body really is perverse sometimes. For the last few weeks I've pumped after every feed, that's six times a day. I went from being able to pump around 280mls a day when I started this regime, to around 500mls or so just before I got ill 10 days ago. My supply then fell back to 400mls and didn't seem to recover even when I got better. I started to pump for longer, up to an hour at a time if I can bear it, and then a few nights ago decided to add in a pump at around 2am, now that she's reliably not waking til around 430 or 5. So I pumped at 2am and the first night I got an extra 90mls from doing that. But the next night it was 80mls, and last night it was 75. In addition, the amount of milk I get at the other pumping sessions has decreased, so that overall I'm now pumping around 450-470 rather than the 500-600 I was hoping for. (Still not as much as she's drinking, but enough to limit the formula to just under one feed per day). I'm having to pump for up to an hour just to get 80mls at the 430am feed, which is not really what I need given that I do have to sleep as well. I've tried power pumping (pump for 10 mins, pause for 10, repeat 3 times) a few times a day and that does give me more, but it takes a long time and during week days I need to be with my daughter rather than stuck to the pump!

The perversity seems to be that pumping more doesn't increase my supply. I get more the first time I do it as if I somehow catch my body by surprise, and then over a few days it adjusts back to the lower overall volume. Do you think if I sneakily changed the time I pumped every day my body would be surprised and I'd get more out? Why do I work (or not work) differently from every other woman on the planet in this area?

Minor suckage

Having found these pictures, I decided I never want my daughter to be hungry at the end of a feed, not even a little tiny bit. So we started making all her top up bottles 100mls to be on the safe side. Then at the 4am feed she seemed to have done pretty well on the boob, so I wondered about taking some milk out before we gave her the bottle. And then decided that wasn't  fair to her, I should just heat up the bottle as it was. So I did. And all she wanted was 40mls. 60mls of breastmilk down the sink. That's one whole pumping session. That really hurts.