I haven't been very settled, recently. Work is... frustrating. I don't feel in balance between work and home, yet not sure what to do about it. And I'm not sure if I am happy in my marriage.
It's not a good place to be. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him. And I haven't been for a long time. I don't know why or where it started, it goes back certainly to the challenges I wrote about here, that he was never the person I had dreamed about, but he was here, he was lovely, he was solid, he looked after me. And he persuaded me, through consistency and support, that he was right for me. And I was 35 and I thought I should stop messing around and marry the man who loved me. Who I loved.
And through infertility I knew I had chosen well. He was there, he supported me, he did what I needed him to do, he was my rock. And I loved him.
He was not a great father originally. Of course he loved Pob from the beginning, but he didn't really know what to do with her, so he focused on supporting me. Then he took voluntary redundancy when she was 6 months old, and his relationship with her developed from there. They are fantastic together now, as he is with Junior. I love his parenting, most of the time. He is, also, too impatient sometimes, a bit too controlling, but none of us are perfect parents, and he is the hands on father I wanted for my children.
But he isn't the man I envisaged for myself, and I think there is a barrier there that I'm not sure is surmountable. I am impatient when he is slow to catch on to things, embarassed when he makes a verbal quip that doesn't work. I compare him with my colleague's spouses, who seem to a man/woman to be accomplished, impressive in their own rights. I want someone who matches me intellectually, and he isn't that, he never pretended he was. I am tired of being the one who keeps us going financially, even while I'm aware that's completely unfair, I have a high paying job I enjoy and he has a less well paid job that he is good at. And he picks up the slack domestically to somewhat compensate for that.
I want to be in love. I admire him in so many ways, his loyalty, his care for me and the children, his passion for what's right. If I was married to someone more high powered we'd either need to have substantially more domestic help, or I'd have to stop working. H makes our life work by picking up a lot of domestic responsibilities - although I do most things associated with the children's activities and schools, he does more of the 'washing machine needs mending' bit.
We don't have sex, much at all, I miss it. He says more would be good, I say so too. Yet we mostly don't make the time for it, and his sexual issues are unresolved.
I don't want to be divorced. I can't envisage how I would parent the children if I was on my own. I like being a couple. And I love him. But I want passion in my partnership, not just the passion I feel for my children. I don't know if I can rekindle that in our partnership, or if in the end it will come from outside. I hate the sense that I'm biding time because it's easier this way. Why don't I invest properly to see if it can work rather than just letting it tick along? It's easier this way, but it's not fun, or fulfilling.
This of course is not the end of this. I don't think I should post this, but it is what it is. It's where I am right now. I started the blog so I could talk about what I really felt. And this is it.