The end of the fertility journey

I will never be pregnant again.

Really. We have decided that we don't want any more children. The newborn stage with Junior has persuaded me that no matter how much I love my children, I don't need to be that sleep deprived again. Nor do I really want that emotional struggle with breast feeding again. If we'd started earlier, if I had that much more energy, if we even had the option of conceiving easily, when we wanted to, then it would be on the cards. But two children is perfect for us, and I can't help thinking that having three would start to get very complicated in the parenting stakes - speaking as one of three children.

Just because we don't want them, doesn't mean we wouldn't have a surprise. It's very unlikely, but it has happened to others in our community. Well, we are taking steps to remove that option. H has had the preliminary consult for a vasectomy, and has said he will make the appointment before the end of the week. He said, very forcefully, when I pushed him on whether he was happy with permanently ending his fertility, that even if he ended up in another relationship because I had died, he would have enough on his hands with his two children and would not want more. He is committed to the family we have.

We also have several frozen embryos. I can't actually remember how many, somewhere between 6-8. But they were never the best embryos from any cycle, and if we wanted to use them it would be a long and probably painful process of suppression, estrogen, trigger, progesterone, transfer, and possibly a chemical pregnancy or two before we were done. And besides, we don't want any more children. We don't want any more children.

As others have written, though, it's hard to let frozen potential children go even when you know a pregnancy might kill you, let alone because having more children just isn't right for you and your family. Nevertheless, I am psyching myself up to remove our frozen embryos as an option. We will donate them to research. There is no option that I know of to donate them to another family, and even if there was, I'm too old to be an egg donor in the UK so fairly sure that would rule us out. I'll make that call tomorrow. Or the next day. Or after the weekend, perhaps. Well, we have mentally let them go, at least.

With the vasectomy/donation double hit, we will have no other chances to be pregnant again. And I am sad about that, no matter how I think through the misery of sleep deprivation and the pain of failing again to breastfeed my children successfully. I am sad that Pob will not have a sister. I am sad that I will never again use the little white Egyptian cotton babygro with the two little embroidered silver feet on the breast, the babygro which was the first thing I ever bought for Pob. I am sad that I'll never again have that newborn on my chest, conked out between one suck and the next. I have fallen in love so hard with my babies, both times. I fell in love at different points, and it didn't preclude moments of despair and frustration at the screaming infant at a later point. But I won't get to fall in love like that again.

It's sad, but it's wonderful, too. Wonderful that I got to experience that at all. Five and a half years ago we started trying to conceive, and four and a half years ago I started writing about it. There were moments on the journey when I was convinced it would never happen for us. And then moments where I thought Pob would be an only, and mourned for her and for us that sibling relationship. But now here we are, a family of four, and those who meet us now assume it was all smooth sailing - after all, our children are only 21 months apart, and who would 'choose' that? And we have the boy and the girl that people assume must be what we wanted. We have been so incredibly lucky.

And yes, some of that luck is because I pressured and argued, researched and fought for the best treatment, the best treatment as soon as it was possible, fast, no waiting. But that's just a small part of how we got here. An important part, but a small part. Others argue and fight and research and it doesn't happen for them. I have no rationale for why it happened to us other than the weird quirks of my biology, the randomness of that sperm and that egg, and that sperm and that egg and that test tube and that embryologist and that catheter and that drug and the resulting embryo happening to hit the uterine lining just so, and find just the right blood vessel to colonise, and...

So the fertility journey is done. So what, pray, am I doing with this blog, with this blog title? Not writing much, that's for sure. But this isn't goodbye. It's my space, it's our community even if the community I am truly part of now is more naturally those parenting after infertility, with a strong emotional connection on my part, if not on theirs, to those who were in the trenches with me but who didn't make it out, whose embryos never quite found the right bit of the uterine lining. I will try to change the title to more accurately reflect my life now, but I will remain here until they consign Typepad to the dust. The blog got me through, you got me through, through infertility and pregnancy and breastfeeding and the start of parenting.

Junior is stirring. This post didn't end up being what I thought it was going to be. But it is what it is. And I am here, now. A parent.

Comments

[Dee]

Beautiful post...and I'm right there with you (well, except we haven't yet scheduled my husband's vasectomy). It is definitely bittersweet realizing that you won't ever carry another child; it's a chapter of your life that has come to a close (while others have opened).

After years of struggle to get/stay pregnant, to now think that it won't be a part of you, when is was formerly such a huge part, is almost unthinkable.

Until you start to realize the good of what is to come in the future. Years of your childrens' 'firsts,' and of course, being able to eat and drink whatever you like, LOL.

I've had to redefine myself several times over, as have you and so many others in this journey to build a family. It's a hard road no matter which way it takes you but the rewards are immeasurable.

Enjoy it all my friend. You deserve this happiness, you parent you ;)

[serenity]

Gorgeous post, Thalia. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. And enjoy the next chapter. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I'm thrilled for you.

xxx

[Aurelia]

Well, I'm glad that you know you are done, and don't have any hesitation about that. And on behalf of families who may need stem cells someday to save a life--thank you so very much for thinking about donating them to research.

It is so incredibly important to do that, and it will save so much suffering.

I do think this is a wonderful post--but I truly wish you hadn't said you have failed at breastfeeding, because in my opinion, you haven't! You tried and tried and tried to breastfeed, and your kids got lots of it from pumping and you yourself, and who cares if it's not like the myths--you have done a whole heck of a lot!

You could never be a failure in my books. Only a hero.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Wonderful, poignant writing, my dear. It's surely difficult to close that particular door. Brave lad, H, props to you!

Aurelia is bang on about the breastfeeding; Junior's had plenty of the good stuff!

[Sami]

Wonderful post... I am happy that your family is complete for you. That's fabulous. I will continue to read as you continue your journey of parenting after infertility.

[Girl Detective]

We, too, decided to be done with two, and considered ourselves lucky to be able to do the deciding. I feel no biological tugging even when I see cute infants on best behavior. We haven't made it permanent yet, but my OB told me that it should be his surgery not mine. "you've gone through enough," she said. (Two hard births with long recovery times.)

[Alexicographer]

It's a beautiful post. I do want another (still at one) but think I am also coming to peace with having just the one if, as is far more likely, that's what happens. And yet I see from your post that even when one is at peace ... one isn't (fully). So, in comparing my actual and mental state and yours, there's that to consider.

This is an obnoxious thing to say, but I am going to say it anyway ... when my DH got his vasectomy some 10+ years before he and I ever met, he'd have said what H said. He pretty much said it up until the moment, after his then-wife left him and he and I met and started dating and then broke up because I wanted to have children and he did not want to commit to raising more children and then got back together because he decided me + more kids was better than not me. If he'd frozen some semen before having the procedure done ... it could have made life so much easier. I'm not saying H would ever walk that path, but you just never know, you know? My DH sure wouldn't have predicted lots of what's come to pass. And freezing some vials seems like cheap insurance for a person considering volunteering for infertility. For whatever that's worth.

[amanda]

What a great post! I'm in the process of coming to terms with the fact that we're done. In an ideal world (ie. no infertility) I really do think we'd have more than one child. But then again, that world would not have brought us Adam.

So yes, I'm here now, too. A parent, amazing isn't it?

[Melissa]

I love this post Thalia. I am in a similar situation. A boy and a girl 19 months apart after years of IF. I'd love to have another child, but my husband is set that our family is complete. It's hard thinking that this is it and coming to terms with this finality is hard.

[Flicka]

Lovely post, Thalia! I am glad that you have peace with the size your family is right now. Both your children are so beautiful. Some days I can hardly believe that we are here...parents at last.

I'm glad you'll still be blogging. I'd miss you so much if you stopped. You've been with me since the begininng.

xoxo

[geohde]

You just made me sniff, Thalia.

I think I have one more singleton pregnancy in me, if I am so lucky, and then I'll be in a similar place. Bittersweet, isn't it?

g

[DD]

I've been struggling with what to do with our one embryo for a year now even though I'm convinced we are done. As others advised me, there's no harm in them staying where they are...for now.

[electriclady]

Beautiful post, T. The longer I'm at this the more I realize just how much luck has to do with it. We are, all of us who have managed to have egg and sperm and lining connect, incredibly incredibly lucky, on top of whatever work we've done.

If I manage to get pregnant and deliver again, I am definitely done. Will ask the OB for c-section/tubal ligation twofer package.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, it's uncanny how your thoughts often mirror my own, and how our timing is so similar. M just made an appointment for a vasectomy too, and had the initial consult yesterday. We are done too, and I am completely at peace with that decision -- as you say, the sleeplessness is a big factor -- but there is a twinge still. I held a newborn the other day and felt such warmth, as if I was finally, finally getting the hang of it. A little late now, eh?

Yes, luck and chance are a huge part of this process. A roll of the dice. Maybe things will be easier or more predictable in the future, but for now it's really, really hard to accept how some of us come out the other side and others don't, no matter how much they do or know or deserve or pray or hope.

I'm glad you're not leaving. I don't know how I could have done it without you, and I bet there are many others who would say the same.

[Amelie]

Thanks for sharing. This step and all those before.

[Claudia]

It's been a journey, hasn't it? Nice post, hope time will bring you peace with your journey. Sounds like you're starting from a pretty good place!

[Summer]

We made the decision recently to go for one more sibling with our frozens and if it happens, our family is complete. And if it doesn't happen. Well, our family is complete. There will be some sadness there whether or not we get a #2, but I am hoping there will be no regrets.

I'm so happy to hear you will continue blogging. More and more there seems to be bloggers who have decided to continue while parenting after infertility and I hope we will keep building on it.

[Tinker]

Yay for being done! Yay for not having had to battle nearly as long as some! Yay for coming out the other side with a couple of sweet (and as your progeny, undoubtedly brilliant) victories.

It was interesting to me to learn that you started to blog as I was preparing for the arrival of our first. I hadn't yet discovered this world at that point, and like you, have been puzzling out what to do about it now that the basic premise has changed. I love my cohorts dearly, but am not so sure they all want to hear about the day-to-day of my little flock, or the assorted and sundry goings on in my life. I'm feeling less and less compelled to write everything down and am not sure exactly what that means for blogging.

As for the embryos, we've chosen a similar path. I thought I could donate to another couple but having thought about it for some time now can't fathom a full sibling to my little ones out there not being a full part of everything with my kids.

[fisher queen]

Nice post Thalia. As always, I find so much comfort and resonance with my old blog friends. Strange to think I've never met any of you in person.

I would like to hear more on letting go of the embryos. As you know, we had a little brother for the Bear, somewhat unexpectedly. We've got one embryo left, and I can't let go of it. I never imagined three kids (look at me, assuming it would work), but I can't bring myself to donation or research...maybe if we had that many, I'd feel differently. Anyway, would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for your writing over the years. Even though I've been absent for a long time, I think of our little club frequently. It was a lifesaver.

[Erin]

Sniffling along with the others. It is so hard to let go of that, even if it's the right decision for your family.

Thank you for all your writing and I'm glad you'll still be around.

[Lisa]

same boat here: a boy and a girl (in my case, twins) and there were two frozen embies which i kept on ice for the full five years because i couldn't decide (for dh, it was always a no) and then we donated them to research because i couldn't do the 'big' thing (i.e. donate to a couple) for the reasons you state and i couldn't just see them perish

but i'm not sure you ever come to terms with the finality of deciding 'no more', whether you've been on the infertility treadmill or not...

grateful to have travelled some of the journey with you (i wish blogging had been around when i was on my trip but i've enjoyed dipping into this community nonetheless, seeing you all as kindred spirits)

xxx

[Sparkle]

I think you may have hit a point where IF meets F - knowing you will not be having any more children. I've heard my fertile friends say the same thing - there's a sadness to knowing there will be no more.

I'm not sure I understand the need for a vasectomy, but maybe because in our case its so low a risk (accidental pregnancy), we wouldn't ever do it.

Great that you will keep blogging.

[heleen]

Easily pregnant or with a little help from ART, with just one child or with 10, in every women's life there will be a time when she has to decide 'No more'.

I'm 41 now with twins. Sometimes we think: Oh, just one little one, that would be so nice. So easy. So nice for the kids to have a little brother or sister...

But thinking about the costs of IVF, the risks (Downs, OHHS, or just no good eggs) we decide 2 is enough...

Vasectomy: Good idea. For your reassurance but probably not his: You can still get the sperm out with a needle, if need be.

Good luck being a mum, I've always enjoyed your blog.

[motel manager]

I have loved reading your journey and hope to read more about the next stage.

We have no embryos left, and I was relieved about that at first when I was pregnant with #2 -- that is, I didn't have to decide what to do with them. But now I find myself wanting a third, which is crazy in about 100 ways, not least of which is that I have pushed my luck far enough already. And I don't feel willing to do the whole IVF thing again, even though my experience was relatively good all in all.

For me, I have gotten past the breastfeeding thing -- at last. I just don't really care anymore. But fertile people can still get under my skin. Such a weird thing. Not a day goes by that I am not so thankful for my kids, though. And I'm the sort of person who's prone to worry and anxiety and never living in the moment, so I think this is a gift of infertility, if you will.

[Angela]

Thank you Thalia. For Everything.

We will likely never meet, and I don't have a blog so you will likely never know the details of my fertility journey, like I know yours, but they are similar to yours, and also very different in other ways...but over the last several years I have cried with you, and I have hoped with you, held my breath with you, and finally celebrated with you.
I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your beautiful family, and I encourage you to keep sharing. I love your writing, and I would love to hear how the rest of the story turns out.
Many many thanks.

[Lut C.]

How wonderful! Your family is complete! I don't remember at which point I stumbled upon your blog exactly, but I think before Pob was conceived. You've come a very, very long way since then.
I'm so glad I did find you, because you've shared a lot of knowledge and also shared the emotional side of the story. I don't know what I would have done without the IF community and you especially during the long dark months.

I recognize the sadness too. My nearly two-year old has no time for cuddles, like my one-year old had.

I'm not at a point to consider birth control possibilities of any kind, but if you feel complete is complete, then you're so right to do just that.
I can imagine it being hard to let go of frozen embryos once you decide you're done. Ours don't seem to survive the thaw, but still, I can imagine it would be hard for me to let go.

And I share your view on our luck with ART, it is part persistence and for a large part pure luck. A bit like parenting too, I think.

[rockmama]

Thanks for sharing this post, Thalia!

The Mr and I know that this child that I'm carrying will most certainly be our last and are also taking measures to make sure of this fact. Since my fertility difficulties stem from not being able to carry a pregnancy through to term rather than the actual process of GETTING pregnant, (which happens all to easily) I'll be undergoing a tubal ligation after the Squid's birth AND the Mr will be submitting to a vasectomy. We're TOTALLY not fooling around.

The Mr and I had exactly the same "what if one of us dies" conversation and came to exactly the same conclusion: Being in our mid 30's and entering the dating pool again, either one would have our work cut out for us as a single parent. Not only that, but after 5 pregnancies, my body has truly had enough.

I can completely understand the sadness that most women feel on making the decision to end their childbearing years, especially if the process has been difficult. However, I believe that I have never been a "baby" person and am all too happy to have a hearty, independent toddler crashing around rather than an infant. However, I'm prepared to believe that perhaps this is a reaction to the truly awful way my daughter came into the world and that the experience this time around might change my perspective a great deal.

So pleased that you have the family that you longed for. :)

[lucky#2]

So thankful that you have two healthy babies and you have shared your journey with us and encouraged us along the way too.

I have to assume that admitting that childbearing days is hard for every mother, but for an infertile it seems harder.

I love you, friend. (funny to think that I have never met you yet feel a sister connection with you and my IF friends.) Glad you aren't leaving for good and wish you were on Facebook! :) Email me if you are....

[Betty M]

I've been thinking about this post for the last few days as so much of it resonates for me. I knew after Z that I just wasn't prepared to shut the door to the oops option however unlikely it was although treatment wasn't an option. I think now though if this one doesn't go the distance I am done for good. I don't have the frozen problem for which I am grateful as I'm just not sure i could have left them there.

As you know for me there were no blogs before yours so I am very glad both that you now have your completed family so the fertility journey has reached its destination and that you are sticking around.

[Angela]

So many things for your heart to ponder. Are we ever over infertility? We just added triplets to our family thru the incredible gift of embryo donation. We have 2 embries left. It's been a very soul and heart searching time for us as well. Are we done? And now we're in the position we never thought we'd be in..with extra embryos. So I can relate to questions that arise. I just wanted to let you know what an AMAZING journey we've had watching these babies blossom and the sweet relationship we have with our donor family. It's a huge decision! I'll say a prayer for you and DH! There are many options for donating in the US. Miracles Waiting, Snowflakes Adoption Agency, and NEDC. God bless!

[coffeegrl]

Wow. What an amazing journey and ultimate conclusion. I'm currently pregnant with our second and optimistic about the outcome in June. Thus I've already started to wonder if this is the last time I'll be pregnant - our last child, etc. It's not a decision to be lightly particularly after such a long journey. Thank you for sharing your experience!