Back to the peesticks

About 2 weeks ago I noticed some signs of that lovely EWCM, you know, that stuff which means you're fertile. So I peed on an OPK, and after 3 days it turned positive. We used the opportunity to have some nookie on the relevant days, and then I got ridiculously excited. I seemed to have lost the infertile protective shield of pessimism. I knew it was a small chance, but I started to think about what it would be like to have babies 16 months apart (and was terrified at the prospect).

Those of you who have been around for a while will remember that I have known each time I was pregnant. The pullings and tuggings in my abdomen were utterly diagnostic. So I've been waiting for those tuggings, and a couple of times I've thought maybe, but in general my abdomen is just starting to feel heavy and full, as it does before a period.

Today is roughly 10dpo.I know it's early, but Pob and I are about to fly off on our travels, so I peed on another stick. And after three minutes it stared back at me. Snowy white. Although it's early, when I was pregnant with Pob I got such a strong positive on day 13 that I'm pretty sure I would have at least seen a whisper of a line on day 10. So the whiteness combined with the lack of clear symptoms means I'm 99% sure it's over.

I'm not really surprised, but I am ridiculously disappointed. I saw this cycle as another potential for a miracle baby, one conceived despite my endo and my age. I felt that if we got pregnant now, it would mean that infertility no longer had any hold on us (although I was also prepared for the terror of wondering if I'd miscarry again). Now that we've failed this cycle, I somehow feel we're right back in the middle of the drama, the waiting and longing and losing and all that sadness. That we're in for a year of not succeeding before we decide Pob isn't destined for a sibling.

Believe me, I know this is ridiculous. That I was ridiculous to hope, and that it's ridiculous to have lost all hope because it didn't work. But that's just where I am. It's an hour before we have to leave for the airport. We're packed, Pob is napping and I'm a bit sad.

Comments

[Rachel Inbar]

I hope your wait ends up being surprisingly short.

Enjoy your trip :-)

[Bea]

It's funny how quickly we forget. And then, it's funny how quickly it all comes flooding back. Sigh. Hopefully it'll be easier the second time around.

Bea

[Geohde]

It's not ridiculous to hope at all, but it makes the loss of the possibility harder to bear than if we hadn't really cared much.
if that makes sense.

J

[Flicka]

It's not ridiculous to feel the way you're feeling. I think you have to forget in order to survive. No one can live with the intensity of IF forever. You've had such a lovely time with Pob and she's obviously restored some of your hope, as did her miraculous conception. Hoping for it to happen again isn't silly, it's normal and human. I'm hoping the same thing for you but if that doesn't happen, I'm praying strength and peace for you as you go down this road again. You're very strong, my dear.

[MsPrufrock]

I was just saying to OvaGirl how there are times you feel as if you've "moved on" (casual as that sounds), then all it takes is one cycle to take you right back to the place you thought you'd left behind. The more things change the more they stay the same.

I'm sorry that there is disappointment for you. It's not remotely silly to be optimistic, you silly lady.

[Calliope]

I am so sorry, sweetie.
xo

[Sylvia]

I am right there with you. I will be seeing my doc tomorrow to begin monitoring my ovaries (and attempt to get pregnant naturally . . . of course with a hormone shot if need be). My new doc thinks there shouldn't be any problems with me getting pregnant (we are unexplained infertiles). Deep down, honestly, my gut says I'll have to go through IVF again. It was brutal going through IVF, but when I look at my son's (now 15 mos) face, it was all worth it.

Anywho, I had a BFN last month and I was depressed about it. Why does conceiving a baby have to be such difficult I kept asking myself. And then in walks my boy. I'll be okay if I don't have another, b/c he is my joy. Now, if only I can figure out how to keep him my baby. They grow up so fast!

Best wishes on TTC,
S.

[Jen]

It's not ridiculous, but it is still early...I'm not counting you out yet, and crossing fingers that this time around will be a million times easier for you.

[Kirby]

I've wondered what it will be like the second time around. How long we will wait until we try again and will it be easier.

In any event, may your wait be short and enjoy your vacation.

[statia]

I think you hope to get a chance at feeling like a normal woman for once. It's not ridiculous at all.

Good luck.

[OvaGirl]

It is extraordinary how thin that membrane is between now and that gutwrenching past and how the sight of that tiny white space can bring it all crashing back. I'm sorry Thalia.

[Summer]

I think all the feelings you felt and feel are completely normal. I hope your time to #2 will not be long and fraught with anxiety, but if it is, we are here with you.

[Nic]

Not in the least bit ridiculous either to be hopeful or sad. I think it's great that you're cycling again, and I am *very* hopeful that even though this cycle wasn't it for you, one of the next few will be.

[Kay/Hanazono]

Not ridiculous at all to think that maybe, maybe things could work for you like they work for other people. Of course it's disappointing.

BTW you'll laugh that I paused for a moment after the second sentence and thought "Gee, I think you're supposed to read the OPK after like 5 minutes and not wait 3 days..." And then I read it again. Ahem.

Have a wonderful trip, sweetie. Keep us posted. xx

[elizabeth]

Thinking of you...

[Girl Detective]

Not ridiculous at all to hope that things go easier for you this time 'round. Or to feel way more than a bit sad with a negative. You're allowed to want what you want. Just because you've gotten a shorter stick than many doesn't mean you give up hope or want; they belong to you.

[Betty M]

Not ridiculous at all. Hope the trip goes well.

[Lettuce Hater]

oh gosh no, not ridiculous at all

((hugs))

[Sami]

Not ridiculous at all... and it brings it all back doesn't it? Pob I'm sure takes the sting away some, but it's still gut wrenching hard to land back in the trenches... sometimes you wish just for a get out of jail free card to pull you out of the trenches. Hang in there... and know we're here for you.

[millie]

I'm sorry that your sad. It's never ridiculous to hope. Never.

Hope you and Pob have a great trip.

[B]

Sorry about your news...it is so tough all this stuff, it is a wonder we stay sane.

Hope you get your turn soon.

[PBfish]

All I can say is that I do the same damn thing every month. I'm sorry for both of us...

[Nikole]

So sorry about your bad news...big hugs...

[Ms. Planner]

Sending some comforting thoughts your way.

[motel manager]

I am about to do an FET, and I was cruising along, assuming it would work (more or less), and then I realized that the embryos might not thaw, might not culture, etc., and now I am back to my infertility angst again.

May your next cycle work - there does seem to be something to the idea that a successful pregnancy gets your hormones back in balance, and it definitely keeps your endo away for a while. Many fertile vibes headed your direction.....!