I'm feeling thrilled at our recent successes with feeding, at the same time as finding it a little bittersweet. It's wonderful that we finally seem to have the hang of breastfeeding, but sad because it will have to at least reduce, if not stop completely, when I go back to work.
Thank you for your comments on that latter point, by the way. I will try to keep up with one or two breast feeds a day once I go back to work, but given the uncertainty of my hours, the fragility of my supply, and the occasional need to travel, I'm not convinced it will work. My mother is convinced it's very important for me to try, however, as she worries that Pob will get depressed when I leave her. I'm constantly fretting about my decision to go back to work in May, but so far not enough to change the decision and leave going back until the end of my alloted year of (unpaid after 4 months) maternity leave. I'm going back in May not because I have to financially (although we'd have to move to a smaller house and change our lifestyle rather dramatically if I chose to quit completely), but because it's going to be harder and harder to get back into the swing of things the longer I leave it. Relationships with customers move on, and after a year I would be very out of touch with the work we are doing with my customers. In addition, if I don't go back in May things will start to slow down for the summer and I might end up sitting around twiddling my thumbs for a couple of months which would be bad - frustrating for me as well as bad for my evaluation next year. So on balance I think it's the right thing to do to go back in May. What I might do is go back part time, which would give me at least one weekday with Pob, even if that day might have to change from week to week so that I can be responsive to my customers' needs.
This indecision on my part is making hiring a nanny difficult. We've seen one great candidate and I've spoken to another good-sounding one on the phone, but since I can't confirm if I want them full time or part time, it's a bit hard to hire anyone. Plus of course in reality I don't really want a nanny at all, so I'm being very very good at procrastinating at setting up appointments to see candidates.
I love this baby so very much, I really really don't want to leave her. At the same time as I recognise that I'm very good at my job, that I often enjoy my job, and that my having a rewarding job will bring something to Pob that she wouldn't otherwise get, particularly as she gets older. Not to mention the financial benefits it brings to our family. I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm still two months away from going back.