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Thursday, 14 February 2008


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Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. EXACTLY.
I do so hope that you get your wish.


What a lot of complicated things to be feeling and dealing with!

I do hope that POB gets a sibling, however that happens. And I hope it's sooner rather than later because it would be awful to have IF take up even more time.

Do you think that H might change his mind about other ways to build your family? At least if the first part of your plan doesn't work out?




Oh man, I know how you feel (or at least somewhat!).

People have just started asking me, "Are you going to have another?" and I'm back in the position of smiling vaguely and saying, "We'd like to." It sucks. It sucks that we still can't plan our families, still can't plan the spacing of our kids to what we are comfortable with, and instead are stuck relying on our undependable bodies and the best science has to offer us.

I wish you the very best of luck, and send all my sympathies your way.

Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom

And I'm angry with you. Wait, that doesn't sound right.

I'm angry about this right along with you. We had the same concerns and it is truly difficult to imagine doing it all again so soon.



Oh Thalia...as you know I just went thru this journey again. I am sorry that you have to go than this path so soon. We thought about waiting longer, but for us time was important since age is such a big factor with IVF. We tried for a few months on our own and then embarked back to IVF. It wasn't easy and I was bitter all over again. Good luck and know that we are all here to cheer you on!


Going thru exactly the same thing.
Feeling grief for the 'no baby years', feeling apprehensive about starting the journey again, feeling scared all over again.


You said everything I am thinking and feeling right now beautifully. Wonderful post -- all of your points are exactly what I have been thinking myself.


My mother reported on an aquaintance who started IVF after we did, and was back for treatment before our most recent round of IVF, trying for #2. She described the couple as "having decided they want their children close together". I had to object.

Infertility intereferes with your decisions over timing. If you're lucky, it intereferes a little. If you're unlucky, it all but takes those decisions away.



I'm angry for you. I think that it would be very difficult to start again and am wishing you all the luck that you need.


Infertility is like a thief that wriggles in and steals "normal" and "accidental" and "ideal spacing" and leaves you bogged down in having to take charge and try to plan and not just let things happen. It sucks, it really does.

And I'm still thrilled in between it all, because the thief still can't steal the job of Pob grinning or rolling over. That is YOURS.

Rachel Inbar

I started trying again when my first was 7 months old (got the protocol at around 6 months) but then I came down with CFS & my cycle was cancelled. Finally, I lied and said that I no longer had a fever (I literally had a fever every day for over a year).

About kids that are close in age - that should be your biggest worry. My little girls are 1 year and 11 days apart and they're amazing friends (soon turning 3 & 2).


I've been struggling with very similar thoughts since, oh, since Finn was about 1 hour old. I hate that I feel forced into trying before I'm ready, but I know that if we wait we are more and more likely to have children who are years apart. (It took me 5 years to get Finn, after all.) It's bittersweet, I suppose. Even as I thrill at the thought of another child, I, like you, am angry that I have so little control. Unlike you, I've found myself thinking more about having an only child. I'm pretty happy right now and I dread re-entering the world of infertility.


PS-- Oh, and I got my period back at about 5 months postpartum despite Finn still exclusively breastfeeding and my cycles are now as regular as ever.


I'm already struggling with these thoughts when I hear my SIL planning her next child... and I haven't even had Squishy yet. You're not alone, if that helps a little bit.

I'm angry right along with you. IF just TAKES so much.


It makes me a bit sad when parents seem so upset at the idea of an only child. There are many siblingss sets that are not all close and lovey and many onlies who are well adjusted and make their circle of friends an extended family. My huband is one of three and has less "support" than I do as an only.

My point is not to say that you don't have every right to have another and to be angry that it would involve jumping back in the fray. My point is that *just in case* it were not to happen, pob will be OK. I promise. (I'm an only so maybe I am over sensitive to this). As a parent you can counteract the 'only child syndrome' thing by being aware of your expectations and by making extra sure your child has outside social opportunities.

I fear this comes off as assvice. It's meant to say "onlies are people too" and she'll be just as great a person with or without a sibling. I promise.



As my 39th birthday looms in the headlights, I'm having the same thoughts and feelings. I'm particularly bitter about the fact that I'll probably end up weaning Eggbert early so I can try IVF again. Then if it doesn't work, I'll have cheated myself out of my ONE chance to really enjoy mothering a baby the way that I want to. Lovely.


My Tate turned one last month. And I, too, feel complied to provide him with a sibling. And also b/c I'd like to have another.

I am angry b/c TTC is such an enormous burden -- IVF again? I live in Seoul and my embryos are in San Francisco. Get the picture? I am angry b/c I've given up on conceiving naturally. How the heck am I going to take my walking baby on a 13 hr. plane ride?

Tate is allergic to dairy so I can't stop BFing; ergo, no period still, ergo, my clock is ticking at 35 yrs.

Seems like I'm around ladies who, if they sneeze, get pregnant. Bitches. I'm joking . . . maybe not.

All that to say, girlfriend, I understand.



I just got back on the ride, and all the anxiety came back.

You're not alone on this one.


I am sorry for the anxiety this is causing you. It is such a hard decision!


There with you. I've decided for now to focus only on the one child I've got and not to jump straight back into the fray of trying again -- but don't get me wrong; I am entirely clear on the fact that this decision significantly decreases my prospects of ever having another one. My 40th birthday is just around the corner, I have precisely one 3 day 5 cell embryo on ice, and this first -- and likely last -- baby took 4 IVFs cycles to bring into being.

Yet I am so utterly, utterly grateful for his being.

Good luck to you. I'll be watching your progress knowing I, too, hope to be trying again -- well, sometime.


For me I get angry because while I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy, I'm angry because I know it will be my last and it wasn't my choice. We knew we wanted two children back in 2004, but who is to say by now we couldn't have had three. That decision was stripped from us and it left me naked and raw.


All I can say is - Amen - I hear what you are saying. As always - we will all be here cheering you on through the next phase of your journey!

Lut C.

I'm in denial. It's working, mostly. I have thought about when we might start cycling again.


I so understand what you're saying... I heard my husband talking about 'maybe another one'. My twins are 20 months and I still would feel it's too soon.
I'll be 40 next week. I am so happy with twins. I am happy in a way I don't have my tubes anymore. It gives relief from every month checking the feelings in your body. I realize I am in a luxury position compared to you, but still the idea of ivf and hospitals and needles and ivf feels like a nightmare.


Totally get it, totally understand. :) Now that I finally have my 2nd (and 3rd), I'm angry that IF robbed so much of my attention during my older son's baby/toddler years. I wish there was a way to just know that yes, it will happen eventually or no, its not going to happen, because its the living through it, and the uncertainty, that's so very hard.


Yeah, I've had this conversation a few times, since this baby will be eight years younger than the last baby, and 11.5 years younger than the first.

And if one more person tells me, "Gee you should've planned this better. They're soo far apart." I will hit them.

I will whisper one bit of assvice...and you can start this while b'feeding. *DHEA* I spoke to my RE by phone the other day, and he has had such good results in his study, such overwhelming stunning results in egg quality and production, he is shocked. The way these things work, it won't be published for awhile, but you heard it here first, trust me, your clock can still work for a little while longer my dear.


My heart is with you. It isn't fair or right or just. When do you just get to climb OFF, for goodness' sake?


Man, I totally get what you mean.

Horrifies me to think that all being well with this pregnancy I will be in exactly the same situation not too far away at all...



Sylvia-I don't know if you're checking back in, but doing IVF again in Seoul would probably be cheaper and easier than flying to SF for a transfer. I did IVF here (in Seoul), and it only cost ~3000 USD, including meds. Just a thought.

(Sorry Thalia, she didn't post a link, and I just couldn't resist the opportunity to try to help another Seoul sister. Didn't mean to hijack the comments!)


Oh Amen sister - being on the other side of this, I'm angry too, but adjusting (except those nagging ivf addiction feelings).

Good luck - hopefully you don't have to go back to ivf.

I still miss being pg, but am so grateful it actually worked.

I'm grateful for Beagle's comment too!


I can understand your anger. Baby moo will most certainly be an only, so am coming from different perspective on that part (and I am one of four sibs). You know I wish the best for a pob sib!! Good luck with Dr candour. I will be hoping for a good consult.


I'm so sorry it has to be this way, but I'm ex cited for you too.

It's a terrible, fearsome row to hoe, but you can do it and you can enjoy Pob at the same time.

Here's hoping for a quick go of it this time around!

Betty M

I'm angry too - for you, for me, for all of us who don't get to just do it when we feel it is right. I longed for a sibling for L and to be honest the whole business was worse in the quest that gave us Z than it was for her. She being a first time lucky on the NHS miracle and the losses and failed cycles all coming after. I am still angry even now even though we have all the family we ever set out to have back in the day when we thought that we would get to choose. I'm cross partly for the past and partly for being cheated out of the natural miracle my body fooled me with last year and then snatched away. I, however, am totally done with treatment so if you need any down regging drugs I still have some thats in date. I have just given the expensive stuff away though I'm afraid.


You sound like an entire chapter out of the book I'm reading. The Long Awaited Stork, a Guide to Parenting after Infertility. Go pick it up. You aren't alone in many of these feelings!


Oh, how I hear you on that. I remember thinking with MiniMe how I need to enjoy this precious baby and not waste time thinking about when to try for the "next one." We, too, desperately wanted a sibling for her...and as you know, it worked out x3. So, in some ways I am glad it didnt' work right away (naturally or with ART) since we'll just have a 2 year yr old when the trips show up - I'm sorry you have to waste any precious time worrying about this...but we all get it.

All to well.


As an only, every single word you said describes the way I feel.

P'ito is getting a sibling, come hell or high water.

Motel Manager

I'm totally there with you. We're going to jump back on the FET train in April, and I don't feel ready at all. If I had had my son at, say, 29, I'd probably wait at least another year, maybe longer. But the clock is ticking, the endometriosis is spreading, etc. Time to jump back in.

Pamela Jeanne

Your anger is positively justified. IF treatments -- no matter if it's the first time 'round or after a baby arrives -- are hell. They mess with your life in untold ways and create all sorts of emotional turmoil before, during and after. Did I say your anger was justified?

Ms. Planner

I've been thinking a lot about your post the past couple of days. I haven't even had the little miss yet and already I am thinking about the bio clock, the anxiety, ugh. I hope you find some peace and strength to manage whatever decision you come to.


If I were you I would be SO frustrated with the prospect of going through everything again, too. In fact, it makes me sigh just thinking of you doing it. Of course that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Heck, I would definitely try too if I were you. Just know we're here for you on the journey, no matter what you face. Good luck.

Dead Bug

God, how I understand. That now-or-never pressure is so intense. As lucky as we got, I do feel as though I have missed out on some small part of Olivia's toddlerhood because of the enormous needs of a newborn. But then I see them together, the way he looks at her so adoringly and the way she wants him to do whatever she's doing, and I feel like it couldn't be better.

Now, I do feel as though the pressure is off, even if I have dreams of a third. (A very greedy idea, I realize.) It was a very odd process, allowing my first post-partum cyle to pass without any attempt at conception--a first in the last five years. (Despite Joshua's being 100% breastfed, my period returned at three months, which surprised me mightily.)

Hoping you find the road much smoother this time, whenever you start the process.



I saw your post on Mel's RoundUp and I had to post a comment. Although our experiences aren't the same, much of what you said really hit home for me.

I was blessed with a child after a yr TTC but with no medical intervention. Despite breastfeeding I got my period 3 weeks after his birth so hubby and I decided to try right away, fearing it might take us another year or more for our 2nd.

Kiddo is almost 7 yrs old now, and we've stopped TTC. We exhausted our insurance, finances, and sanity with no success.

All your fears about an only child? I've got 'em too - especially the death scenario. (Who, besides IFs, really considers losing their child?! But I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one thinking those thoughts ... I seriously thought something was wrong with me.)

During our TTC yrs my sister had 2 beautiful baby boys, practically without trying. I'm focusing on those cousins now ... hoping they'll be "surrogate siblings" for my kiddo ...

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