I wish I'd had proper internet access in the hospital. We've had some wonderful moments so far, and I've been just so overjoyed to be with her. She is beautiful and we are very lucky to have her. As soon as H gets the chance i will post a couple of pictures, but right now I am exhausted and miserable and I can't deal with the technology.
Of course I feel awful about being miserable, but you see we are having real problems with breast feeding and I'm utterly hung up on wanting to do that. We are trying everything we can but my supply is almost non-existent and apparently she has a bit of a sucking issue - which if I had lots of milk would not be a problem as her sucking would be enough to get her the milk she needs, but since I only get 10ish mls from both breasts when I pump, she just can't get enough going with her sucking. So we are supplementing with formula after each breast feed, while I pump. It's absolutely killing me. I feel such a failure, and so angry that yet again my body isn't doing the right thing. I know it happens to lots of people, and sadly I was prepared and had already bought the heavy duty pump etc., but I just thought we might catch a break. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to relax (gee thanks, where have I heard that one before?), eat well, sleep lots (but when I lie down for a nap I just start crying which isn't conducive to sleep) etc. etc. And then they tell me that formula is just fine, not to worry. Which I know is true but it's not what I wanted for my baby and it's going to be a long time before I can reconcile myself to it as a solution.
I started on a supplement which contains fenugreek, fennel, nettle and blessed thistle today. I've been drinking gallons of fennel tea since Monday. I'm pumping after every feed. And I am not optimistic.
A lactation counsellor has been round, she told us about the sucking problem, but she was pretty negative about ways to increase supply. My doctor won't prescribe domperidone and I can't yet see any way to get it sent (illegally) to the UK. So I just feel a bit hopeless.
And I feel awful that my first real pob post is so miserable. Yesterday's would have been better. I hope tomorrow's will be. But this is just where I am right now.
Thank you so much for all your good wishes. I read them as they came in, late at night on my blackberry while I was trying to feed Pob. It really helped.