Apologies for lack of update, as previously mentioned it's been busy at work, plus we're trying to get stuff in our house sorted (I never told you about our flood, did I?). We were planning on leaving on holiday on Friday night but had to delay til Sunday just to get stuff done in the house on Saturday. It was a long drive north, but we arrived late on Sunday night and immediately felt more relaxed. I'm working very hard not to think too hard on the fact that it was probably while we were here 16 months ago that our first pregnancy ended. This is the first time we've been brave enough to return. It's a lovely place, and I don't blame the place for the miscarriage. I know it's an association rather than anything more. Hopefully this visit will kill that ghost. I have, of course, checked which local hospital we need to go to if I start to bleed or if my waters break. There's a good consultant-led unit about 20 minutes away, and we both know the route to get there. What me, suddenly become an optimist? Surely you jest.
I do have work to finish up - hence turning on the computer this morning, but we've also visited our favourite gardens, cooked a Roast Chicken dinner, watched The Bourne Identity, I've started and finished my first book of the holiday (highly recommended, especially if you used to be or are now a scientist), and I had a 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon. It's good to have a break. There's really no signal here to speak of, so I'm hoping this post doesn't get eaten by the system when I try to post. I'll keep hoping.
All is well with the Passenger. I had a horrible dream last night that she had died inside me. I kept trying to find her heartbeat with the doppler but secretly knew it wasn't there. People kept coming in to use the room I was in and I was getting increasingly desparate and started getting quite rude as I tried to make them go away. At one point I saw her projecting out of my right side, and I tried to push her back in. She did go in, but I still knew she was dead. As you can imagine, when I woke up from that one there was no going back to sleep. I got up and ate some breakfast to try and get her going. And within about 15 minutes she was wriggling away, thank goodness. It was horrible while it lasted, but I suppose it's a normal anxiety dream at this stage.
The 'projecting out of the right side' thing is probably related to my worries/discomfort with her position. Having been breach, she moved to obliquely transverse about 2 weeks ago. Her head is under my right ribs, her bottom is down by my left hip (best guess, I haven't had another scan, although the doc agrees). In this position they won't even attempt an external version as apparently it rarely works on transverse babies. So the next step is a scan at 37 weeks, and then we make a decision. If she is breach or transverse, and if an external version doesn't work if she's breach, then we schedule a c-section, they won't do a vaginal delivery if she's not head down. We'll see what she decides to do. I'm still doing ok - blood pressure is a very healthy 105/60 at the last check, last week. Bump measures the right size, urine is fine, she moves around quite a bit, etc..
I am increasingly uncomfortable - breathing is hard sometimes, it's hard to sleep as my hips start to ache after an hour or so in one position. Turning over in bed is quite a palaver. Getting up and down from sitting is hard, and I feel like a barrage balloon. I can't walk very fast, and have a lot of heartburn - both when I eat and when I don't, which seems a little unfair! Until this week I'd enjoyed being pregnant so much, I wasn't sure I was ready to give it up. But now I can see that after another 5 weeks (or, most likely, less) I will definitely be ready to meet her properly. When I do I think I'll still miss the bump, miss seeing her move under the surface of my skin, miss that feeling of the utter miracle that she has grown inside me all this time, that all my organs have moved aside to make sure she has enough room. H and I have barely stopped marvelling at how lucky we are, how extraordinary this is. Pob* will be here, all being well, within 5 weeks. It's hard to imagine what that will be like. But yesterday we bought her a little stuffed eiderduck (native of this area), just one more thing we're doing so that she knows how much we were thinking of her before she even got here.
* Pob is the nickname we've been using for the passenger. It stands for 'passenger on board' which is what the drivers who regularly pick me up for work say a lot. It's also the name of a character from children's television back in the 1980s. It seemed to fit.