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Sunday, 01 October 2006


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fisher queen

I don't know much about what you're supposed to be thinking of during Yom Kippur, but don't put too much pressure on yourself for things left undone. You've been through so much, and just the fact that you and H have such a strong partnership, and that you will be able to remember your grandmother with love mean so much in and of themselves. As for the future, you are taking your steps forward. You will get to a place you can live with.


Yes, I agree, every day is a step forward, even if it doesn't feel like it. Every day you have survived another day, intact, with maybe even a smile thrown in there. I'm not trying to throw babydust on you, I can't stand the stuff myself, makes me wheeze, but I'm here to prove that life does go on. You and H will come to a decision that makes sense for what's next, and then you will always have another what's next decision to make. You will make them together and manage -- and, dare I say it -- thrive.

Lut C.

You have an early kick-off for the holiday season. I've been trying not to think about it, it's just too sad.

The romantic weekend sounds fabulous. The conversation about where to go from here doesn't sound too romantic, but being able to talk about it together is so important.


Sounds like a lovely weekend. It is so nice that you and H can talk about this stufff so candidly. He sounds like a really great guy to have for your life partner.

Carla Hinkle

Just keep putting one foot forward as best you can. You're doing a wonderful job hanging in there. We are all thinking about you and rooting for you.


What a sweetheart H is for organizing such a fabulous night away for the two of you. I wish my J had more time on weekends so that we could spend time together like this but it's the "busy season" for his work. Alas...

I feel what you mean why being hesitant about donor eggs in that "What if they don't stick around either?" Can you make your next two cycles donor cycles so that if they don't "stick" that you're that much further along the path to being able to work on the adoption process? I do not know anything about how this process is in the UK, but it seems a bit peculiar to me that they'd insist that you do "x" numbers of IVF cycles. Doens't it depend at all upon the condition, or reason for IF, for each person?

Mary Ellen

It sounds like you and H had a lovely weekend together. Very romantic. It's great that you and H can communicate so openly about next steps. I am sure that the two of you will be amazing parents regardless of what path you choose. Hugs.


You have options in front of you, Thalia, which is a good thing. The road is always a difficult one. Always has been. Just know that we get it.


I'm with annmarie, options are wonderful and you do have a few. so glad you had a great weekend away it's those little battery charger weekends which keep us sane I'm sure of it.


Your post was lovely and so very real. I think your coming home to all that was left undone is a metaphor for the IF journey -- the hope we feel upon embarking followed by the sting of reality. You have been through so much. Hang in there.


I'm glad you and H are able to talk things out so well. That is SO important, in all this IF crap. I'm a thinking 3 steps ahead kind of girl too, so I can relate to your struggle re: where to go from here, even if here isn't quite resolved yet. Thinking of you & hope the holiday brought some peace and time for reflection in a way that was helpful and not too hard to bear.


Your H is a dear. I'm glad you were able to talk about what next, even if you aren't 100% settled into the plan. I really hope you find what you are looking for.


I'm sorry I haven't posted sooner. My heart aches for you and H. I'm so terribly sorry for all that the two of you are having to endure. I want to say more, to say something that will bring comfort and ease the pain, but I don't know what that is. Please know I'm thinking of you and wishing you brighter days.

julie B

I too made lovely embryos, but after 2 years and 6 failed IVF cycles, aged 41, we changed to donor eggs. We have a 6 week old daughter now.

Being pregnant after so long trying was fantastic - and scary. I don't know if you do bond more with a donor egg baby than you would with an adopted child - I had many moments in the first month that I found it hard to believe she was `mine'. I wouldn't change a thing now and I love my daughter unequivocally, but if I had had frozen embryos from my own eggs, I would have needed to use them all first. Then again, had I not been so singleminded, I could have saved us 2 years of heartache and an awful lot of money.


The romantic weekend sounds heavenly. I'm so glad you and H were able to discuss things so openly. He sounds like a dream. (not that you are chopped liver, my dear!). It sounds like things are murky right now. I hope the next few weeks and months bring some clarity.


Hang in there my love, I wish I could say that everything will be ok- but I can say that you and H are so lucky to have each other; not to mention that fabulous weekend away! x


You are smart enough to be able to balance different truths (though I am truly sorry that you have to):
On the one hand, that you have only been through three cycles, one of which resulted in a short-lived pregnancy, and all of which have yielded frozen embryos yet to be tried. That you are therefore not so irretrievably infertile that you can give up on this path yet.
On the other hand, that beautiful 2-day old embryos do not mean that there is neither a sperm problem (more likely to appear between day 3 and 5) or an egg problem (which is also more likely to appear later on). That producing wonderful 2-day embryos without producing a babies does not preclude the likelihood of success with donor eggs.
I have said before -- and I still so strongly believe -- that only "B" plans and "C" plans help us survive the failure of "A." (And some of us must reach awfully far down into the alphabet!) So I am glad to hear you thinnking about this. But your post -- and your hesitation about donor eggs -- makes me realize something that I think has not been enough said: that moving to donor eggs sometimes seems a choice that involves conceding a more personal failure than adoption does. A more intimate admission of malfunction, if not fault.
Whatever the outcome -- and by that I mean, whatever path you end up taking towards motherhood -- I am sorry for the misery. You will get there, we know.

k #2

How lucky that you and H seem to have the same vision for the path you are going to take towards parenthood. Thinking of you.


It's good that you had the time away together, it would be nice if the good lasted after returning home. The return home is very much a return to reality.

I am not particularly religious, our family celebrates the Christian holidays more out of tradition than faith, but in any case I dread them this year and that is a first for me. Not that I'm normally a huge fan of the holiday hype, but I've never had this actual dread factor before.

Hang in there Thalia . . . this all has to lead somewhere good. Right? It just HAS to.


i love your writing thalia. i'm sorry it is fueled by sorrow though. i'm wishing you peace as you move forward. big hugs.


So glad you had a nice weekend with H, sweetie. It makes all the difference to have a partner you can really work things through with. Thinking of you.


Can totally relate to your feelings on G-D at the moment. It's awful to feel that way. Must say your husband just scored triple brownie points with me for the little get away. Sounds like you have a wonderful man. Thinking of you also T.


Empowered is good - weekend sounds really nice. Special.


The return home is always the worst part for me too.

Much love and peace to you, Thalia. I wish I had the ability to take your pain away with words.


I love Mr. Thalia- he sounds like a great life partner.
Wishing you all the best,


Not being ready to move to either donor eggs or adoption yet is fine - the fact that you are talking about it is the most important thing.

Have to agree with Swisschard. We produced beautiful embryos - all thriving on Day 3, grade 1 - staying beautiful at Day 4, 5 and beyond was the problem.

That is why we had every possible test we could - so we could rule every other thing out - except egg quality, and the only real indication of that is maternal age.

If we could have frozen on Day 2, we'd have close to 20 embryos now.

I'd start using them.

Womb in waiting

Well your weekend sounded so luc\sh - just what you needed. THo the conversations abt options & 'where to' are hard....it is good you & H can talk abt it all so openly....& I hope dr c has good options for you.....re yom kippur & kol nidre....& your grandma - i think those jewsih fests are so hard to have when you miss people whove gone.....well i still believe in god & i prayed hard in shul & I prayed for you too xx


How lovely of H. to take you away! Sounds very romantic, especially the apple picking.

I'm so sorry for all the junky emotions going on. I wish I could make it better for you. I'm thinking of you.


your communication with your husband is amazing, and something not to be taken for granted. a wonderful thing. i have been thinking about you. hugs.


Shana Tova, Thalia. It sounds like your husband is a gem. Here's wishing you both a happy and sweet year - I hope this year brings your dreams to fruition.


H is a lovely man to organise all of that for you. It sounds like you had a great time together. Don't beat yourse;f up about feeling bad for a failed cycle. It's bloody hard stuff. Hang in there mate.


You sound really solid. I'm glad you have the strength and love to get through whatever is coming.


I am glad that you have such a wonderful partner for this difficult journey.


Those options can seem overwhelming, can't they? They sure did for us when we began exploring all of them.

Domestic, private adoption ended up being the best option for us. I've journaled about our adoption journey and placed those "It wasn't supposed to work this way" posts on my sidebar. Adopting domestically wasn't easy, but it worked for us and we couldn't be happier now.

I pray that you and your husband find the answers that you're looking for and that you become parents very soon!

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