I've obsessed about it. I've written endless letters to Dr Candour and Dr Condescending about it. I've written lots of posts about it, but in the end I cannot post or send them. It's all too difficult. I cannot bear the idea of having upset the doctors, at the same time as I am angry at them for having disrupted this seemingly wonderful, supportive, safe space.
I do understand why what I wrote upset people, I am able to empathise with what it's like to read snarky stuff about yourself. I had the experience of being handed a reference about me during an interview, and being asked to explain why it was so negative. It's shocking, and it sucks, and it was very hard to recover that relationship subsequently (although I didn't raise it with the reviewer - I was 21 at the time and would not have known where to begin). But after the initial shock had faded, I wish my doctors had been able to return to the blog, and read all the good stuff, about how much I like them as individuals, and how much I value their expertise. About how lucky I am to have been referred to that clinic in the first place. And to empathise with why I might have been writing in that snarky, selfish way in the first place. I do still feel positive about the clinic in that way, regardless of what's happened in the last week, and regardless of our three failed cycles.
That's all I'm going to say in editorial on the situation (boy it's hard to stop myself). Thank you for all those emails that told me I had nothing to be ashamed about, encouraging me to keep posting. It meant a tremendous amount to me, but I just can't post in the way I used to, and if I can't, this blog seems a bit pointless. I started it so that I could say whatever I liked, whenever I liked, without fear of who was reading, and that's no longer true.
I have decided to stop posting here, at least in the short term. There is going to be way too much going on in my life over the next few months, and I cannot bear the idea of having to constantly second guess myself in what I write here. The most important thing in my life is getting pregnant, and keeping on posting may jeopardise (perhaps has already jeopardised) my relationship with those who are in charge of getting me pregnant. When you look at it like that, how on earth could I justify continuing? I tried to wait until I was less upset to post this, but sadly I'm still upset, as is H, but I felt I had to make a decision, to clear the air, if nothing else.
Please do keep in touch, you all have my email address, that won't change. I will still be in the blogsphere, but this blog will go quiet. Thank you all for everything you've given me. It would be nice to know that the world as a whole recognised the strength, the power, and the humanity of this community. And it would be nice, as many of you said, to know that a few doctors here and there found it helpful to know what it was like to be on the other side of the dildocam. Maybe they do.