I probably shouldn't be writing this

If we had got pregnant the first time we had unprotected sex at the right time of the month, our baby would be about to have her 18 month birthday. She would be walking and crashing into things and talking to us. I would be expecting number two.

If we had got pregnant first the time we had great unprotected holiday sex at the right time of month, around the first time one of my friends told me to 'just relax', our baby would have just turned one. He would be forming words and cruising, and loving knocking over the towers that we built him.

If we had got pregnant after I had the HSG, which as every board member knows "cleans out your tubes and improves your fertility", our baby would be nine months old. He would be crawling and getting into everything and enjoying smearing food over his entire body when we tried to feed him.

If we had got pregnant after the first laparoscopy had cleaned up the endo, and the hysteroscopy had removed the fibroid, our baby would be seven months old and reaching for her blocks and keys, laughing and babbling. We would be convinced that she already had a few words, but no one else would believe us. I'd be about to go back to work and I'd be terrified.

If we had got pregnant on our abortive IUI cycle, Our baby would be nearly six months old. She would be sitting up on her own, and suffering from stranger anxiety. She'd be enjoying the treasure basket that her grandmother had created for her.

If we had got pregnant on our first IVF cycle, our baby would be about six weeks old. We would be totally exhausted, overwhelmed, and dirty. He would be starting to smile at us, and we would be bowled over in our amazement at finally getting something back from him.

If we'd got pregnant on our 'fuck IVF' holiday, I'd be about to give birth. I'd be uncomfortable and terrified and overjoyed and terrified and excited and huge and amazed.

If we had not had a miscarriage, I would be five months pregnant now. I would be clearly showing, and everyone would be congratulating us. I'd be looking forward nervously to the rabbi who married us finally noticing the pregnancy when we went to synagogue for the high holy days, and dreading him asking us why it took us so long. I'd be starting to think things might be ok. We'd know that it was a boy, and we'd be starting to think about names. My hairdresser and I would already be teasing each other about him dating her daughter when they got older.

If we had got pregnant on our third IVF cycle, I would be four weeks and two days pregnant. I would be viciously addicted to the visembryo site. I would be petrified and overjoyed at the same time. I'd be telling myself that lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place, even though I know that's a crock of shit.

Comments

[Krista]

Oh, if only. I know we are not supposed to look back but damn it's hard. I hope that someday I read all of those things from you, but in the present tense, as they are happening.

I am sorry Thalia, and I hope you are ok.

[Cricket]

Thalia, you are so poignant and you are completely entitled to your past hopes.

Mine would have just started first grade.

[art-sweet]

Oh Thalia... my thoughts are with you. I hope this new year brings you joy. G-d knows you deserve it. Well, at least I know you deserve it.

[Simone]

How do we go on?
How many tears do we have to fight?
Lightening does strike more than once, I'm just sad we have to learn this too often. I cannot stop thinking about you Thalia. I am bitterly disappointed for you.

[Kay/Hanazono]

Oh this post made me cry. It is such an aching hurt, isn't it? I'm so so sorry you are going through this, too.

[sube]

How many times do we have to be reminded that life is unfair? Far too many it seems. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[Bea]

I loved and hated this post.

I loved the way it broke down what we all try not to think, and the way it expressed your sadness at chances lost.

I hated the fact that it's all so true, and so unfair.

Bea

[Juliet]

I try not to look back because its so gut-wrenching to think about the time I've wasted being miserable, just trying and hoping and then getting disappointed. But when I look forward I see just more and more of my life spoiled because I'm living it in two week increments. So live in the present? Er, I'm kind of miserable here too, because of my obssessive yearning for what I don't have and don't seem able to earn no matter how hard I try. That's the horror of infertility - it sheds its nasty light on past, present and future.

Feeling for you Thalia.

[Vanessa]

I think we all do this, I know I do-the "How Old Would They Be" game. The failed cycles, they hurt horribly. The years we were so unaware that this would be coming, they hurt less. The miscarriages hurt the worst, and I too spend my time thinking "I'd nearly be to second trimester now, and would be telling everyone."

This game sucks, and it sucks a lot.

[Kath]

Dear Thalia, I find myself utterly unable to think of anything to say except swear words. Your post hit home, as always.

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

Thalia,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I haven't written a post like this, but could never do it as eloquently as you have, anyway. I have thought all of it though! I know we probably shouldn't write and think like this, but it's impossible not to. Always, the "what ifs" are there....

I'm so sorry that you have fallen on the wrong side of the statistics again. This just sucks.

What you write is so true, and it's so blatantly unfair.

I hate that all of us are going through this.

[Katie]

Yep...

[Katty]

Thalia,
I too have the imaginary children, at their various stages of development.
I am so sorry that you are so sad, and I really hope so very much that you will get your heart's desire soon.
Kxx

[Vivien]

Maybe you shouldn't write it? I don't know how you are strong enough to. I believe you are strong enough to get there.
I couldn't do it.

[kellie]

Thalia, what a touching post. I think that all who are in this journey have done the same thing. I just know that I'm not strong enough to put it all into words.

[T]

Thalia - I'm so sorry.

[DD]

I do something similar in regards to each month of the year and how there's some kind of crappy anniversary that I try not to remember.

[Serenity]

How many times have I thought this?

My heart aches for you, Thalia. Know I am thinking of you.

[Fertile Soul]

Oh Thalia, i'm so sorry to hear this. So sorry.

[Erin]

Oh Thalia. It's so sad to look back on the "should have beens" of infertility. I'm sorry you have lost so many dreams.

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I know what it's like. I recently had to attend a birthday party for the son of a friend who miscarried the same time I did nearly 3 years ago (my 5th miscarriage btw).

It nearly killed me to have to listen to her other friends and sisters talk about how "hard" she had worked for little Jack to appear.

For the record, Jack was her second baby and she took Clomid for 1 month after not getting pregnant naturally despite trying for "4 whole months!" The poor dear. Four whole months.

Eh. Whatthefuckever. We do what we gotta do, right?

[Elizabeth]

Write whatever you want, as long as it helps you. I have had thoughts like these, as well. Thinking of you.

[Cali]

So sorry honey. Just catching up with you & I have a back log of internet hugs coming your way. (um, that sounds way more pervy than I mean it to...)
Since I am the freak that looks at each EDD for every trying cycle I am chock full of dummy dates that hurt. I'll look at the paper & see the date & my mind thinks, "wait- what was supposed to happen today? there was something..." & then I remember that it was one of my dummy dates.
Thinking of you.
xo

[Anna]

This totally made me cry. I am SO sorry you've gone through all of this. I dsperately hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel for you and H.I'm also bitterly disappointed for you. You're in my thoughts.

[Alchemilla]

Oh sweetheart.

[fisher queen]

What Alchemilla said, and everyone else. I'm sorry Thalia.

[Summer]

(sigh) I hear ya.

[Lisa]

Your postings never fail to move me. What an eloquent, if heartbreaking analysis. This infertility shit sucks and I soon hope you are blessed with what you crave and deserve. My thoughts are with you.

[Jan]

Oh bless you - it's so hard, isn't it. I'm afraid I do the same. Each year on the anniversary of the due date of our first pg (6 losses so far) I torture myself imagining how different my day would have been had that pregnancy gone on (I would have a nearly 3 year-old now) - the birthday parties and the x year-old asleep in what is still our spare room. After that, I stopped working out the due dates so I couldn't keep doing that - but I still imagine.

[Pamplemousse]

Oh, sweetie. I am on WAY too much estrogen not to cry at this post.

[hopefulmother]

Thalia - I just got back from vacation to read your news. I'm so sorry for you and your husband. You deserve so much more.

My thoughts are with you both.

[Lut C.]

Bea expressed how I feel exactly, better then I ever could. So much heartbreak.

[chee chee]

Oh God, Thalia. This just breaks my heart.

[TraceyF]

Oh I have played this game Thalia, I am sorry. This is soo hard.. I have played this game for four years and a bit its hard but do it then move on (easier said than done) I know the what ifs, and the we should haves so well. (hugs) I am sorry about the failed cycles and this whole IF BS.

[zhl]

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. This is all just too hard.

[Susan in OR]

Oh, Thalia,
Having had two m/c in August/Sept in successive years, I know the dread with which I faced High Holidays each year. Seeing all the babies, working through the liturgy (Sarah had Isaac in her old age, who shall live/who shall die) and it was all I could do not to sob through it all. Wishing you peace this year, and hoping that this IF turns around this year.

[victoria]

Thalia, your post brought me to tears. Although my road has not been as long as yours, I too just had a "would have been 2 years old " day. My most ferverent wish for you and and all the others is that someday soon, however it happens, they are able to say, as I did this year, "but if I had THAT 2 year old, I wouldn't have THIS beautiful little girl sitting here on my lap now". Wishing peace for you

[becky]

i'm thinking of you thalia.

[Meri-ann]

Wow Thalia, that post just hurt so much with it's raw honesty; I ache for you, I ache for me, I ache for every one of us that has to go through this fucking crap... I do that constantly, work out how old my children should be, how pregnant I should be- it never ever ends.....

[annmarie]

I think the same things...I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Leggy]

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I hope letting it out helps a little. We're here if you need us.

[wavybrains]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. This was beautiful and moving and my throat hurt for you.

[Manuela]

Thalia... I'm so sorry. Just so unbelievably sorry.

[Liz]

Oh Thalia, I am so sorry for all that you are going through.

[StellaNova]

My heart breaks with shared experience. There is always the 'if...'. I just want 'when...'.

[Shelley]

This post made me want to cry. Sending you hugs and understanding.

[Menita]

Well, shit.

[Menita]

Hit "post" too soon. Here goes:
Well, shit. It's always there, with reminders not just of the losses themselves but of every day of subsequent loss that they brought. I am so sorry that you have to live with so much pain.

[heleen]

It's like being lovesick without a person to miss. love and hugs, hang in there.

[Alexa]

Oh Thalia. I have been so angry the past few days that your cycle didn't work, and now I am just unbearably sad. For all of us.