Well yes, this is kind of a: "move along, nothing to see here, people" kind of post. This time last cycle I had suggestive cramps and shiftings in my abdomen. This time, nothing. I hope that doesn't mean anything, but it's freaking me out. I do so want this. My intellectual self is assuming that feeling those cramps meant nothing last time and would mean nothing this time, but my human brain, trained to recognise patterns and draw conclusions from them, made a connection between those sensations and getting pregnant, and it's not budging.
I ask myself how things could have been better this cycle. Yes, I could have not fainted etc., but that's really got nothing to do with my chances of getting pregnant. We had the most eggs, and the most embryos we've ever had, and number of eggs retrieved is correlated with pregnancy rates. We had the best possible embryos for day 2, and the characteristics of those embryos are linked to pregnancy rates. Four cells is ideal on day 2, and ours were graded almost at the top of the range because of their symmetry and lack of fragmentation. A 1 is top, but our embryologists say they don't often score any embryo a 1, so I shouldn't worry that ours were 1.5s. After all, we got pregnant last time with one that was graded a 2. And I'm choosing not to link the fact that at some point around six weeks it stopped growing, with the grading on day 2. I don't think embryology is as exact a science as that.
So I don't think we could have started off with a much better chance than we did on Thursday last week. Of course, I could be 5 years younger, that would help. Or I could not have endometriosis...or...
Yes, that's not really very helpful, is it?
I spent time yesterday with a friend who is very much of the school of: I will take whatever direction life sends me and just react accordingly. She and I laughed about how different I am. I am raging against an apparently indifferent Fate. Fate doesn't want us to have children? Screw you, Fate. Thirty years ago we would not have had the option of intervening this way in our fertility, and we would have moved towards adoption much sooner. Thirty years ago I don't think (although I don't know, I haven't investigated) people knew so much about how hard adoption is and how many challenges it creates. But we're not living 30 years ago, just like I'm not 5 years younger and living without endometriosis. We're living now and I'm absolutely going to wring the last possible drop out of the medical advances that have happened in that time, to try and help us get our heart's desire. If this cycle doesn't work, there will be another cycle. I don't know when, as I don't know how to help my body prepare for it. Between the zoladex and the miscarriage I've only had one 'normal' period since February this year, and presumably at some point my body's going to freak out on me. If two more cycles don't work, well, then I'll have to listen to Fate perhaps.
It's all very mystical isn't it? The invisibility of what happens inside us that causes our bodies not to produce eggs in the first place, or not to welcome our embryos once they're inside us, or to miscarry our developing future children? Nothing us rationalist 21st century people can do to make sense of it or to affect it. Perhaps that's why we resort to such un-rational language - the language of Fate and Hope and Luck and Wishing. If only those last three worked just because they are felt by those around us. With all the support we give each other, we'd all be there by now.
I'm off to bury my head in the sand.