Thanks sweeties for yesterday. I always go to the archives of other people's sites when this happens to me. Julie's, clearly, from my message on Thursday, and also Suz's because she had the negative peestick experience before getting a positive beta. But the thing with those is that Suz clearly had a crap bunch of peesticks, and Julie got a positive at 8dp3dt, so my continued negative today isn't really terribly encouraging. Last cycle I got a positive at 11dp2dt, and it was a bloody clear positive, so much so that it would clearly also have also been positive the day before, and almost certainly the day before that.
I did a lot of despairing yesterday. So far today (it's only been 35 minutes) I'm holding it together. I'm saving the bitter, why us, what-the-hell-is-going-on-here post for after the beta, just in case. But you see the thing is that I knew I wasn't pregnant this time. I knew I wasn't pregnant on the first cycle, too. And last time, despite my fears, I knew that those cramps and pullings meant I was pregnant. When I took that peestick on the morning of 11dp2dt, although of course I was terrified, I knew it was going to be positive. Yesterday when I took that peestick I knew it was going to be negative. Of course I hoped, of course I did, but I knew. Funnily enough, the knowing doesn't stop the despair, it isn't any protection, but it's true nonetheless.
I do understand the 'Hope's a bitch' thing better now. We can't help hoping, it's human nature. Otherwise why would we go through this over and over again. And you all know how hopeful I was about this cycle, having got pregnant last time. I honestly don't think the hoping makes the disappointment worse. It's always just going to be totally horrible, investing all your emotional, and most of your physical, energy for months, to end in nothingness. Not hoping just means you're miserable leading up to being even more miserable. But when you have to stop hoping, you feel like an idiot for ever having hoped at all. I think that's where the bitch thing comes from.
I did tell H last night, and he was devastated. I always forget how much pain he carries with all of this too. I looked at Megan's birth pictures last night, and I saw her husband sobbing with joy, and I thought, that should be what H gets to feel, too. Instead of the other kind of sobbing. He didn't sob last night, he just got teary and offered me lots of hugs. The only time I've seen him sob is after the bad scan in our pregnancy, the one at 7w1d which showed there was no hope. At least this time we didn't get that particular crumb held out to us.
Okay it does sound like the self-pitying why-us post that I wasn't going to write. I think I have to stop and go and soothe myself some other way. Luckily a few weeks ago I ordered a couple of recent Doonesbury compendia, and I'm only halfway through 2002. That man's a genius. I'm off to laugh at George Bush's sayings again (no offence).