I have a problem. Not the usual kind of problem - bleeding, weight gain (although I've got that one in spades, it's not the issue right now), hormone levels etc. - but the opposite kind of problem. I seem to believe that we'll get pregnant again this time. It's clearly coming from the fact that we did get pregnant last time. I've never been pregnant before, to my knowledge, but somehow that combination of the laparoscopy, the Zoladex, the antagonist protocol, and those two particular embryos, worked like magic to get me pregnant. So somehow I seem to believe that because it worked last time, it will work again. I know it's not logical. I know we actually have no idea which bit of that equation is the bit that worked. It could simply be we got lucky with one of those two embryos, and nothing to do with the protocol. It could have been the folic acid megadose, or the clexane. It could have been some difference in what I was eating, who knows. As we all discover, somewhere along this journey, ART really is an art, albeit one informed by science.
So I am in this strange position of being optimistic for a change. And for the first time, I am more optimistic than H. He's always been the one who has been sure we will have a baby in the end. Now, this time, he still has that sureness about the long term, but isn't sure about this cycle. He's not completely pessimistic, but he has less confidence than I seem to have.
Of course I am not completely optimistic. I have been planning my calendar for September and am already trying to figure out how I can get out of going to Chicago for a meeting on 18 September, the day of our pregnancy test, thinking I won't want to fall apart in another country, far away from H. At the same time I'm imagining booking our 6 week scan and ensuring I can go home and cry afterwards. I haven't yet looked up what the due date would be (don't laugh, those calculators are there to be used!), although I know from basic maths that it must be sometime in late May. I've also figured out that if I force Dr Candour to be really aggressive, we might just fit in another cycle before my birthday if this one fails.
I guess the answer is that, as usual, I am all over the place, but that for a change some of that all over the place has a strong, illogical, positive bent. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. No doubt it will all change in the passage of time and hormones.