It's been a long time without a personal post - nearly 2 weeks. Partly because that ESHRE post took me AGES to do, so it took up quite a bit of the available blogging time. Partly because I've been busy at work. Partly because I've been uninspired. It's not very exciting to plan a post which you know will at least partly consist of talking about sadness and difficulty. I feel as if I've had my share of posts where the only comment anyone can leave is "I'm sorry." I'd like to get back to more engaging thoughts, posts, writing in general. I guess the ESHRE post was a good start, I'm so pleased you appreciated it. There were many more pieces of research I could have written about, but I had to draw the line somewhere. Most of what I read isn't going to mean anything for most of us, but it's always good to know what's going on. I'm glad my doctor was there.
So how am I, many of you have asked. I'm ok. I'm a lot better than I was. My meltdowns have gone down to one or two a week, rather than several a day. I'm cooking again, which is therapeutic. Last Sunday we had friends over with their three children for brunch. I made three different kinds of muffins, and they were all absolutely delicious. And then I also made scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, and finally orange and ricotta pancakes - a Nigel Slater recipe from his latest book that I've been dying to try. I worship Nigel Slater. Such an unapologetically greedy cook. It was too much food, but it was fun. And it meant we safely had leftovers when my father, brother and nephew arrived mid-afternoon to watch the football.
This weekend I cooked again, for no good reason other than I seem to be addicted to baking. I made two more sets of muffins (the orangette recipe is for a loaf cake but I made it into muffins). Sadly the pear and goat cheese ones didn't really work. I expect a muffin recipe to make 12 unless it says otherwise. So I gaily half filled 11 muffin cases, then realised that I was supposed to still have half the batter left. I didn't. I stole some out of a couple of the cases that looked 2/3rds rather than half full, and persevered with the goat's cheese and the rest of the batter. As a consequence they don't really have enough support for the filling. And the taste is only ok. The first ever muffin I've ever made that I probably won't make again. Luckily the banana/chocolate/ginger/pecan ones were delicious, so H had enough good stuff to take round to his friend's yesterday to watch the football with. I joined them to watch the second half, and extra time, and penalties, and to comfort my poor sad man when they inevitably crashed out. England, oh England, you're always just a bit disappointing as a team.
You may be surprised that I was round at a friend's house with H, watching the football. Let me explain. H went to see one of the counsellors at the clinic this week. He found it was very helpful, and quite practical. She pointed out that when we're in the middle of all this shit, we tend to not have the energy to nurture ourselves in other ways - things that we enjoy doing fall by the wayside. It's definitely true in our case. H is very social, I am less so, but we've barely seen anyone socially other than our families in the last six months. H sees one friend once a week to play squash, but that's about it. H made his list of 'sustainability' activities (his homework from the counsellor), which included seeing friends more often. So that's why I agreed yesterday to go round to the squash friend's house to watch the football and stay for a barbecue. It was actually really nice, very relaxed. The husband is one of H's friends from school, and his wife is a very down-to-earth Northerner. They have one daughter who is now five. The wife had such bad post-natal depression that she never wanted to be pregnant again. We just had a fun, relaxed time, and talked about nothing much. I never want to go to these things in anticipation, but it's never that bad once I'm there!
It's bloody hot here again. And today my brother is moving out of his home. He and my SIL (they're not married but they've been together for 8 years and have a child together so I've considered her my SIL for a while now. They did get engaged, but then they got pregnant and the wedding seemed to decrease in importance). We don't really know why they're separating. My brother just told us that it's been a bad year and they're going to spend time apart while they try and work things through. When we've seen them together they've been fine with each other - no sniping - but we do often only see my brother and nephew - at the last minute my SIL will have a hangover or a yoga class she needs to go to and drops out of whatever arrangements we've made. I know my brother has been keen to have another baby, and my SIL has not, and I wonder if that's part of the cause of the split, or just a symptom of other issues.
They were doing quite well, keeping it amicable then apparently on Friday, my SIL's birthday, it all deteriorated into a big screaming match, unfortunately in front of my nephew, who is 3 and a half. Today my brother came round with a friend and a van to take away the bed, futon/sofa, bookcase, bedside table, lamps and other sundries we're loaning him while he and my SIL decide whether this is for good or just for now. H has been a bit of a hero, carting our furniture down four flights of stairs and driving round to my brother's new (rented) flat to help him cart it up two flights of stairs again. They all left here looking distinctly dishevelled and sweaty. I supplied what I could in terms of frozen fruit lollies, water, and beer, but they didn't seem to want any girls involved in moving stuff, so I've stayed a bit out of the way.
On Tuesday we see Dr Candour. I'm hoping very hard we can get going as soon as possible. I stopped bleeding about 10 days ago, but am showing no signs of ovulating so I'm wondering how long this cycle will go on before I bleed again. I haven't peed on a stick, but I assume that I'm no longer hcg-positive. We haven't re-convened marital relations yet, so there's no chance of one of those miracle pregnancies (haha, as if), and the lack of nooky is becoming a bit of an issue. We both kind of want to, but are a bit nervous about H's problem resurfacing, and I think it holds such tension for both of us that we talk about it and then avoid it. Perhaps the right answer is to plan to just go to bed next weekend after we've had a nice meal and a bottle of wine and just see what happens. No pressure. But that's not very realistic. For H there's always pressure.
I have reconvened going to my trainer, although sadly I've only got 6 weeks left before she moves back to Australia. Anyone know a good personal trainer in London who does fun stuff (preferably kick boxing) and lots of stretching and flexibility work? I felt really good after I saw her yesterday. My back has been really bad since I stopped being pregnant, making me think that perhaps the pregnancy hormones were masking the problem in some way. She really got my back going - stretching and various twisting and stretching exercises, and it was great to feel physically tired again. I've been sleeping ok through the night, but then waking at about 5am and not really falling asleep again - just dozing for 10 minutes or so at a time. It means that I get up already tired, which isn't a good start to the day.
I have more to say, but want to craft a few posts rather than just continuing to burble. Thank you all so much for all the support. As a community, we rock.