The beginning of the end

The sonographer looked for ages. I can't fault her for thoroughness. My bowel was in the way so she massaged my abdomen to try and move it. The picture still wasn't great. But it didn't look good. There was a gestational sac. There was a yolk sac. There was no clear evidence of a fetal pole, let alone a heart beat.

She went to get a doctor, who has to view the scan in all cases of a miscarriage. I asked for Dr Casual as opposed to Dr ICU. As the sonographer left the room, H started to sob. I have never seen him sob before. Tears have come to his eyes as I have wept over our misfortunes, but today he sobbed. We sat there, me awkwardly holding the paper sheet over my nether regions, and waited. And waited. And waited. After 10 minutes Dr ICU popped in, noticed there was no sonographer, then left again. I cried some more, thinking that Dr ICU (who I'm sure is a lovely person, but I just don't like him) would be the one to confirm my miscarriage.

Eventually Dr Casual appeared with the sonographer. He'd been doing the transfers upstairs. In the meantime Dr Candour had called down to speak to the sonographer to hear our results, she told us, and had asked them to get a blood test as well. So Dr Casual did a further scan. Lots more pushing and prodding to try and get a good picture, with the same outcome. There was a gestational sac. There was a yolk sac. But there was nothing that could be described as a fetal pole.

The sonographer and Dr Casual agreed that this was not good. Then they told us we needed to come back in a week for another scan. "You're joking!" was my reaction. No, apparently they are not. Because they couldn't get a good picture, they don't want to initiate a surgical 'completion' of the pregnancy, nor do they want to stop the progesterone support and see what happens (I don't want that one either, thank you). So we have to continue with progesterone, and heparin, etc etc etc, for another week.

It's a different week than last week though. There is no hope. They agreed that although there was some minuscule, microscopic, vanishingly unlikely chance that this would work out, none of us really believe in that chance. 7w1d with no fetal pole doesn't really bode well. "If you start to bleed," said Dr Casual, "you must come straight into the hospital." But I'm not actually likely to bleed because the progesterone is keeping everything going. So next week we will return, they will confirm that everything looks shit, and then, hopefully, they will let us have a surgical procedure, which they didn't call a D&C but I didn't catch what they did call it, to 'complete' this pregnancy. Dr Candour has sent me an email saying that he is available this afternoon if I want to see him. Other than showing up and weeping, thus making him feel awkward, I'm not quite sure what this would accomplish, so I think I'm going to say no.

On the way to the hospital the one thing I was hoping for was no more ambiguity. It's not really ambiguity, but the doctors are treating it as if it is. What, precisely, did I do to deserve this?

Comments

[fisher queen]

You did nothing to derserve this. I am so so sorry.

[katie]

That is awful, I am so, so sorry.

It will be an ERPC which is a vacuum procedure - it is much better for your insides than the D&C, it is gentler.

[Angela]

De-lurking to tell you that you did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this. I've been where you are and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm thinking of you and H. Hang on to each other tightly. My heart breaks for you.

[KIMMER]

Thaila,
I am so very sorry, you've did nothing! Please don't blame yourself for this. It's just one of those incredibly shitty things that happen. I've thought about you all week. I wish there was more I could say or do.

[Louise]

I'm so sorry

[Mary Scarlet]

Thalia, this is so terrible, the worst. I'm so, so sorry. To have this happen is bad enough, but to drag out the waiting...my love to you and H.

[Louise]

I'm so sorry

[kristi]

Oh Thalia, I have tears in my eyes for you right now. I have spent some time in every day since last week thinking of you and praying for you and H. You absolutely did nothing to deserve this. Please know that there are so many out here who are in your corner. Stay strong.

[lindy]

I'm so sorry Thalia. I've been thinking about you and H and wishing you strength and comfort and eventually peace.

[Zara]

Hey, I've been lurking for a while, I'm a UK IF-er too though not a bloggy one. I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry. I've been there and it sucks. Don't be afraid to *demand* an ERPC next week.

Thinking of you. So much.

[EJW]

Thalia, honey, you didn't do a thing to deserve this. No one deserves it. I'm so sorry, for both of you.

[Alexa]

I am so, terribly, horribly sorry.

[Lori]

I'm so sorry about the news and the additional week of this being dragged out. You and H are in my thoughts.
Words seem so inadequate, I wish there was more I could do to ease the pain.

[LEB]

You did nothing, it is completely & utterly unfair & undeserved.

I am so sorry Thalia, this shouldn't be the way it is.

[Kath]

God, Thalia, no. No.

I'm so terribly sad for you and H.

[Cat, Galloping]

I'm so sorry, Thalia.

[Juliet]

I can't believe how unlucky you've been. So sorry.

[Catherine]

:-(

I am so sorry you were not on the other side of the stats, just not fair and not deserved.
I am sad :-(

Catherine

[Lynnette]

There aren't words...I'm just so sorry. Brokenhearted...

[Cricket]

I am so sorry. We were all hoping against hope last week. I hope you can be of great comfort to each other in your own grief. I am so sorry.

[millie]

I'm so incredibly sorry. My heart is breaking for you and H. You did nothing to deserve this. I'm just so very sorry.

[S]

Shit, Thalia, I am so sorry. You did nothing wrong-nothing to deserve this hell.

Please know that I'm thinking of you and H at this time.

[Jill]

Thalia, I am so very sorry. It's so heartbreaking that I don't even know what to say. You are in my prayers.

[Robber Barren]

You did absolutely nothing to deserve this, Thalia. It's just really fucking unfair, and all I can say is that I'm so, so sorry.

[stephanie]

Thalia-This is so incredibly unfair. I am very sorry this is happening to you and H. My heart goes out to you both.

Know that you did nothing wrong. You don't deserve this. I am so sorry.

[Sarah]

Thalia, you can't see the tears that have welled up in my eyes. I am so sad for you right now because you deserved for this to work. We all deserve it. It just isn't fair and there is nothing to say that will make the pain go away. I am sending you a ton of love to help you get through the next few weeks.

[Krista]

Thalia I am not sure "I'm sorry" helps, but it is all we have. God this sucks. Please know that there are lots of people who are hurting for you and thinking of you.

[Emma B]

Oh, honey, I'm so sad for you and H.

[Carla Hinkle]

I was hoping against hope that it would turn out OK. I am so very sorry.

[Larisa]

I am so so sorry Thalia. I know that sorry isn't enough to comfort your sorrows - but know I am thinking of you.

[Susan]

I'm sorry, so very sorry. It sucks, just absolutely sucks.

[mm]

Oh Thalia, I'm so very sorry.

[Leggy]

Oh Thalia, I have so been there and it sucks so much. The first blighted ovum dragged on til 10 weeks, the second was over at 6.5 weeks, and the 2nd was definitely the easier one to deal with.

I was hoping you'd get resolution on way or another. I'm sorry you have to go through another week's worth of drama and I'm sorry this is so hard on your poor husband (in some ways we are tougher when it comes to this crap than they are because we deal with it daily). Sending hugs.

[amanda]

You did absolutely nothing to deserve this. No one deserves this. I am so very, very sorry, Thalia. You are in my thoughts and in my heart. I wish I could do more.

[serenity]

This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I am SO fvcking sorry. :(

[elecriclady]

Thalia, my heart is breaking for you and H. You don't deserve this. No one does. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[Anna]

Oh, fuck. Thalia, I am so very sorry. Deserve has nothing to do with this. My heart just aches for you and H, having to go through all this. Take time to grieve and work through your emotions. Then go to Thailand and relax. Fingers crossed for the next round... I wish I could help.

[zhl]

Nothing, you did nothing to deserve this. I'm so sorry for you and H. Wish there was something I could do for you. I'm just crying into my cereal and thinking of you.

So sorry.

[Kris]

I am so so so sorry and sad for you and H. And it sucks that it has to drag out. I know completely how hard it is not to feel punished, but as everyone else has pointed out- you did nothing to deserve this. Treat yourself very well.

[akeeyu]

Oh, honey. Fuck, what a mess.

Sam cried, too. I remember thinking "If Sam is crying, then this must really be happening. Or I guess not happening anymore."

I'm so sorry.

[chee chee]

This is such awful news, Thalia. I am so very sorry.

[Megan]

I'm so sorry Thalia.
This just totally fucking sucks.
I hope you can take the time in the coming weeks to do whatever makes you feel even marginally better. Also, something that helped me enormously-though it was hard at first, allow the people who love you to comfort you.

[Hoping]

ugh. so sorry.

[pixi]

Thalia, I can't stand to think of your pain and disappointment. It's just so fucking miserable and wrong.

I am so so sorry that this is happening. My heart is with you guys.

[Molly]

Oh, no. Terrible, terrible news.

So sorry for you two.

[Jenn]

Oh, Thalia, you didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm so so sorry you have to go through this. *hugs* If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

[kati]

I am so, so sorry.

[hopefulmother]

I am so sorry, Thalia. I am thinking of you both. This must be incredibly difficult for you. I will be praying for your healing and peace.

[statia]

Thalia, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was really hoping that things would turn around. Take care of you and H.

And fuck off karma. You're totally pissing me off now and it's not funny.

[Mellie]

Oh Thalia, please, please, please do not for one second entertain the notion that you did ANYTHING to cause this. It's not your fault AT ALL and you have done NOTHING to deserve it. I am so terribly sorry.

And I want to say how amazing and thoughtful you are for still being able to stop by my blog and check up on me. You are incredible.