You may remember that my hairdresser conceived around the same time that we did, with the same due date. She called me on Wednesday to see how things were going. I told her, she fell apart. She was really very sweet. I asked how her 7w scan had gone, and of course it had gone fine, no problems. She told me that if I want to come in and see someone else I could, that I could come in on days when she won't be there, whatever I want she will organise. For now I have kept my next appointment with her, but I don't know when the time comes if I will be able to handle it. The last time I saw her we were both pregnant. The next time I see her, just one of us will be.
The dilemma is that I've just settled down with her after a couple of years of peripatetic searching for a hairdresser I was really happy with. For most of my life I'd been to the same guy (he was an apprentice at the salon where my mother went when she first got married, so he was the first person ever to cut my hair), and frankly, he still gives the best cuts ever. But in the six months before I got married I had two bad colour experiences with his salon and so after the wedding I decided to look around. I went first to the salon renowned for colour in London. I quite liked them, but it was extremely hard to get an appointment, and I was often asked to change to a different colourist at the last minute. After a couple of months of that, I tried the other colour salon. I sent in a web enquiry, and the next day my current hairdresser's assistant called to book my appointment. L and I bonded immediately. She does colour, and someone else in the salon does the cut and blow dry. He's fine, nothing special, but the colour is wonderful. It may be that someone else from the same salon will do just as good a job, so that I don't have to see L, but I'm always going to know that the reason I'm not seeing L is that she is just as pregnant as I should have been...I don't know, I guess I should leave this one for another day.
In another amusing hairdresser-related incident, my mother, who still goes to the first guy's salon, has obviously shared our news with him and his half-his-age second wife, who is the receptionist at the salon and is lovely, but who got pregnant with an oops baby on basically our wedding night as far as I can tell, so there is some pent-up jealousy from me there. The reason I know that Mum has told them about us is that I received in the mail quite a sweet note from the hairdresser's wife, with an info card about someone doing acupuncture and chinese herbs for infertility, who she knows socially. The note says things like: "My heart breaks for you," and "I hope that something will help you get what you deserve." It's all very well meant but somehow just didn't sit well with me.
Perhaps because it came the same day as a note from my mother attached to a recent news article about the Finnish study that showed that we might as well all go back to single embryo transfers. Is it just me or am I reasonable in being suspicious that the reason why this study has had so much publicity in the UK is that the HFEA really wants us all to go to single embryo transfers to minimise multiple pregnancy, despite other studies which show precisely opposite results? Forgive me if I'm not too keen on that bandwagon. The thought keeps occurring to me that perhaps if they'd put three back I might have another one still happily developing in my uterus right now. Unlikely, I know, but for goodness sake I've got to have something to hang on to.
I'm still a bit of a basket-case, and H had another breakdown yesterday. It's just so hard for both of us to give up on this pregnancy. H has made an appointment to see the counsellor at the clinic tomorrow. I can't quite bring myself to do the same. I'm not sure why, as I've found therapy very helpful before. Perhaps I'm just not at that stage yet.
By this time tomorrow I won't be pregnant any more. Not that I've been feeling pregnant for the last two weeks. But for some reason I still haven't let myself drink or eat sushi. After tomorrow I will have no such compunction. Thank you again, so much, for the amazing messages and emails. I have now read through a lot of material on miscarriage and loss that I wasn't previously aware of. Katie had previously recommended The Miscarriage Association, and their leaflets, while not telling me anything I didn't know from all of you, have been very helpful to read. Thank you to all of you for taking the time to provide what comfort you can. It's been wonderful. It's made me cry, but it's still wonderful.