Yesterday, I thought I was doing ok. I still think I'm doing ok, in that I know it's completely normal to be up and down, but I'm not doing ok in that I can cope with everything - or anything, in fact. I sent out a couple of notes to people this morning. I had to tell a client that I wasn't going to be able to make a dinner with him this evening. That made me cry. I decided to tell my evaluator what was going on so that I had some cover for tomorrow. That made me cry. I just watched the Buffy episode where Oz comes back to Sunnydale having discovered how to stop himself becoming a werewolf, and discovering that Willow is with Tara makes him lose that ability so he leaves again. That made me cry. I got a note from a colleague saying how sorry she was, that made me cry.
I'm panicking about going to work tomorrow. I don't know how to get myself back into work mode. I'm supposed to be in a workshop all day Friday and the person who is organising it is doing a crappy job and I don't know how to intervene. H thinks I should take more time off but I don't really see how it's going to help. I can't stay off work forever. I've somehow got to find the wherewithal to cope with a normal life again. I managed to go to work after that first bad ultrasound, and yes, I cried at some points during the day but I coped with all the relevant meetings. So I know I can get through work even when bad things are happening. But I don't want to. I just want to sit at home and watch Buffy and be alone. Or with H, preferably.
I've realised something about telling people about this. No one can ever say the right thing. There is no way that anyone else can ever express adequately how awful this is, so the poor things are all doomed to failure. That note from my colleague that I mentioned above made me cry because it was so inadequate. But that's not her fault. It's impossible for anyone else to help. That's what I think I've been looking for - the knowledge that someone else really understands, I want to hear the right thing from people, to know that they appreciate what I am going through. But actually it's only some of you that can do that, those who have been through this and know what worked for you and what didn't. And even then, because we are all different, sometimes we don't get it right for each other, either.
Having said that, my brothers and one SIL have both done really well this week. I sent them three links on Sunday night and asked them to read them. One was Tertia's "How to be good friends to an infertile" classic. One was the empty arms video, and one was a leaflet from the miscarriage association for friends and family of those having a miscarriage. Both my brothers and one SIL have written back having read them with their thoughts and thanking me for sending them through. The SIL who wrote back's mother died of cancer a few weeks before my brother and SIL were due to get married 7 years ago, so my SIL wrote about that loss and how what we are going through takes her back to some of that. She also wrote to apologise about the photo incident. I wrote back and told her not to worry, and to thank her. It was a good correspondance, I'm very glad I sent the links. They are all trying really hard.
I'm off to eat some breakfast, 3 hours after I woke up, in desparate attempt to hope that it's low blood sugar that is causing these crying jags this morning. We'll see.