Four days after her positive beta, in the pregnancy that resulted in Charlie, Julie wrote a post that says oh so much better than I can how I feel to be where I am. She wrote about the challenge of not knowing her place in the new order of things. Was she still an infertile, welcome in the infertile world? Would what she had to say hurt the very people who had made her journey to this place manageable, bearable? Not to mention the ambivalence that results from the 'wearing nature' of being constantly worried about what might happen. She wrote about feeling guilty about not being happy, that it was almost disrespectful to those who might be envying her, that she'd got this far.
I'll stop paraphrasing Julie now. But the sentiments are there, and I'm sure if I looked there would be a post from each one of us who has passed this particular stage gate on the way to a potential take-home baby. We remember how we felt, writing that 'congratulations!' comment on a fellow IF's blog, then making a mental note that we didn't need to visit quite as often, particularly not when we were feeling fragile. For some of us that means immediately moving someone to a new part of the blogroll. I did that, the first time one of my reads got pregnant. It was Megan. Then a few weeks later she had a miscarriage and I moved her back. I felt awful. Now I don't move anyone til 12 weeks, unless they seem so confident early on that the confidence affects me and I therefore feel safe moving them early. Some people, like pixi and mm, who have had miscarriages before, I moved even later than 12 weeks. I basically move people when I think they are starting to see the pregnancy as something that might work out for them.
Today I saw that someone has moved me to the 'en route' section of their weblog. It freaked me out. Of course everyone has the right to keep their blogroll anyhow they want. I remember Susan saying one time that she moves people immediately - it's just too hard otherwise to hit on those links accidentally and get hurt. So the moving is ok, it's just the idea that others now see me in a different category. One I really wasn't sure I would ever see. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm not there yet. My brain isn't there yet. Although I do absolutely have those moments of joy, I also have moments of fear. And, in particular, moments of worry about hurting those who mean so much to me by what I chose to write here, now.
This is dumb because I know I'm a grown up, just as you are. I have carefully chosen how to read blogs of people who got pregnant in the last 2 years. I chose when to visit, and when not, and I have been genuinely delighted for their good outcomes. Almost never has anything anyone wrote upset me other than in a generic, I'm so fucking jealous of them, kind of way. So I have to assume that that is true for the rest of you, too. We're mostly a pretty empathetic, sensitive group. But somehow getting this positive news makes me fear that I might drop off some abyss into insensitivity and inadvertently upset people. I'm acutely conscious that four of us had egg collection within 24 hours of each other (Nina B's was probably also within a few days of us). And it was bad news for all of the other three. That seems so unfair. The fact that all three of those who got negatives have been here, cheering me on, overwhelms me. I know how I felt last cycle when Lindy and Caroline got their good news while S and I were left with the miserable negative. The graciousness of those three, along with so many others in our community, is part of what makes this community blow me away every time. Thank you again.
In terms of the mundane detail, and although I am petrified to type this, I haven't seen any spotting since Friday. I'm still a bit crampy on and off, but much less than early last week. Also getting slight aches down in each side of my groin which I think is just ligament loosening, although shouldn't that happen later? I'm taking it easy this weekend, and feeling resentful when anyone tries to disturb me. I want to be quiet, to think about what's happening, and to partake of my regular drug of choice, bad television. That's where I'm off to now.