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Sunday, 21 May 2006

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S

I totally remember that feeling the one time I got pregnant, and also posted about that.When it happens you feel like you've got one foot in each doorway-the IF one and the "graduate" one-and you don't know where you belong. It's letting that bitch Hope in, and you're so conditioned to the bad news and the pain that you can't let yourself be happy yet. It's a normal reaction for any of us, given what we've all been through in our respective journeys.

You, my dear, couldn't be insensitive to us even if you tried your hardest. Yes, it's true, when I first read your good news I had a twinge of envy along with the joy, but it's perfectly normal and human to feel that way, and we've all felt it (and whoever says they don't is a liar), acknowledged it, and moved on. Although I know that you're trying to be sensitive to others, which is wonderful, I don't want you to forget that this is your blog, where you write your thoughts and feelings-don't ever feel that you need to censor yourself just because there are still those of us out there who aren't mothers yet. If people can't deal with it, then that's a demon they need to work out with themselves.

Every time one of us makes it out on the "other side" successfully is a ray of hope for those of us still waiting for our journey to resolve itself. Don't ever feel guilty about being pregnant just because some of us aren't-just enjoy every single minute of it, because you truly deserve it. Never forget that.

Kisses and hugs to you and the bean from across the Pond....

k #2

You are right...those of us who get lucky and hit the pregnancy after infertility do always feel a little odd posting about our happiness and even concerns.

Hell, I am even almost 36 weeks and posted today about the PG after IF syndrome that I have felt all along.

You can't feel guilty for reaching the goal that we all want so desperately. You will find that you just appreciate your blessing a whole lot more!

Leggy

It is a strange place to be. People are happier for you than you are for yourself, in part because you are afraid to ASSuME that it could actually all work out.
I feel that way, both in January when I was briefly pregnant, and when I post about my cute kid- its hard to deny that there is something great in your life (in your case pregnancy, in mine, a first child) but it is still a strange place to be. Not harder than hard-core infertility, just different.

sube

I imagine it must be odd to feel as you do, but worry not for those of us who are still on this side of the IF fence. Your story means as much to me now as it did before.

lindy

Very well put, Thalia. It's such an odd feature of our community that some of us move on as others don't, that we move on in different ways and at different times and sometimes move back and forth. And thank you for mentioning the four of us who cycled together last time. Especially early on, but even still now, I think about you and S. I hestitated (and in S's case, still do) to even comment because I didn't (and don't) want to make those "left behind" feel even the slightest need to come over to my place. I know that with bloggers and with other online infertiles I know, I have found myself comparing to successful former "cycle buddies" even years later. But at the same time, thank god we have each other.

I know it's a hard time and a strange place for you right now, but you are indeed "en route" and you seem to have struck as good a balance as possible between knowing how things might turn out and being happy for where you are now.

And I'm so, so happy for you.

Lut C.

The people in the IF community are so diverse, dividing people into categories is always a bit artificial and arbitrary. It's like trying to put a spectrum of people into pigeon holes.

Now I do have categories in my blog roll, as a service to new members of the IF world, and as a memory aid for myself. I'm aware this may be akward for those concerned, but as you say, I'm counting on the fact that we're all grown-ups.

I'm glad the spotting crises appears to be over. I hope that will prove to be the only incident you have to endure.

heleen

I can surely relate to what you are writing. Everytime I post a comment on your site I think 'Thalia will think: Shut up you bitch, YOU are pregnant with twins!'
I won't move you just yet. I still haven't moved some others neither. Slowly my little list "still working on it" gets smaller and smaller. Woman might be jealous you and me. But in the end I think the stories where infertility is finally over and IVF worked are very valuable for all women that go through the same stuff. If there was no hope people wouldn't read these blogs.

StellaNova

Reading the success stories gives me hope that it actually does work. At least for some people. I know I can't guarantee that it will work for me, but if it didn't work at all, I would give up and curl up into a litlle ball and never leave my home. Well, probably not, but please don't feel bad. I look to those that work as my incentive to keep on going.

Sarah

I agree, your story is important regardless of which side of the IVF fence you are on. Reading other people's stories has been a bit scary for myself because there seems to be so much failure out there. I keep wondering is there any chance at all that this will work or are we all cursed! It is important to bolster up our hope with the stories of success. If we don't have hope, what is there left but emptiness.

A few months ago, I spent an entire evening reading Julie's blog as it was the first IF blog that I had ever come across. The very post that you mentioned above, I remember reading thinking, yeah, it would be a strange feeling to think that you have come through and are on the other side after so many years of trying. Once you have experienced IF, however, I don't think that you will ever forget how it feels. You have a profound understanding of what a miracle babies are and how heartbreakingly unattainable they are for some people.

Good luck Thalia and do keep posting because I want to continue dreaming about what is possible!

cass

Yes to all of it. Including the possibility that you're feeling weird ligament stretching. I know they say it doesn't happen until later, but I think when you're that in tune with all the tiny twinges that might signify something, you notice sooner.

PJ

I know exactly where you're at. Knowing that there are great women out there who got to know you, and your story, is what makes you keep writing, however infrequently.

Beth

Ah Thalia, oh the last thing I wanted to do was give you indigestion with the "move". My rationale is simple and self serving - it gives me hope to see that en route group grow. I will always read - because I like you not just because of where you came from vis-a-vis infertility, but because I like you as a person too. Thinking of you and hoping I didn't upset you with the move.

Nico

I'm so glad that you're not spotting anymore (knocking on wood).

I do think that each of us that "makes it to the other side" feels some form of survivors guilt. For me, I don't often comment on new IF blogs I run across because I'm afraid they'll click back on me and get that kick in the gut feeling. So I'm lurking a lot more than I was before.

But as you say, we're all grownups, and can choose to read or not read depending on how we feel. So I don't think it's wrong at all for you to post about being cautiously happy, or anything else that you feel like blogging about.

Portlairge

I'm late as usual. I am so so happy for you. Congratulations a million times over. I know exactly where you are coming from. I find it so hard to blog lately and have resorted to luking for the most part. We all want to continue to hear from you so I hope you will continue to post about pregnancy from the view of an infertile.
Congrats again!

beagle

I'm so in denial about my own failure that it doesn't hurt to come over here (yet). There is something wistful and even painful about watching cycle sisters move on because it's a sort of time line of what those left behind are missing. But, for me, it also reminds me that this is all worth at least trying because it does have a happy ending at least some of the time. And, no matter how sad I get, (when my brain gets around to allowing emotions again) I am still sincerely happy for you and all the successes here. Feeling miserable for myself does not make that less true. I promise.

elle

I remember feeling confused and overwhelmed as you do now. I think we all do our best to work out our new feelings about where we are on our journeys and how to tender that news to our readers and friends. Sometimes the choices are hard. But there is much to learn and I think not sharing would be the worst thing. So so so happy for you! May the spotting goblin be gone for good.

Kath

Dear Thalia, I wanted to comment last night but I was just too tired to do so coherently. I hope I manage better this time.

First of all, I am so glad that the spotting is over. Though it seemed to be innocuous, it is still not something you ever want to see. May it never reappear.

I remember that feeling of first being moved into the "pregnant" category on a blogroll. It was fear, pure fear -- of suddenly standing alone, on one foot, on a tiny platform suspended hundreds of feet above ground. And I felt a little abandoned, though I knew it was irrational -- no longer one of "us," but of the "others." As if everyone but me assumed that the pregnancy, contrary to my previous performance, would work out. And then I was stuck in that "pregnant" category for weeks after it didn't work out, which (rightly or not) made me think that that blogger had stopped visiting entirely. So -- to get back to your post -- I think that your feelings of "not quite there yet" are utterly understandable, and that your policy of handling newly pregnant bloggers on your blogroll is very wise.

Yes, we are all grown-ups. And I can only speak for myself, but I am so glad when a dear blogger gets pregnant -- and stays that way. I don't think I could have been happier for a "real-life" friend than I was (and am) for you, or that I could ever wish more fervently for everything to work out beautifully. There are no categories on my blog, but I can tell you that you are in a section labeled "hoping my head off."

Kristi

I know how you're feeling. And I think being apprehensive and scared, and nervous to see yourself moved to a category you haven't even allowed yourself to fully embrace yet is completely normal. IF plays head games with us all, and it may be several months before you can even begin to accept that you're pregnant. I know it was for me.

That said, I am so happy the spotting is over, and I hope you're feeling a little less anxious and more relaxed.

Flicka

Of course I'm sad that I'm still not pregnant. And of course I wish I was pregnant right this second. But that in no way intersects with how thrilled I am for you, that you have finally made it after such a long, hard road. My joy for you is in no way related to my IF pain. Does that make sense?

fisher queen

PG after IF is really just a subset of IF. I won't ever feel that I'm "on the other side" until my baby is like 8 months old. Or maybe graduated from college. This feeling suprised me. I did stop visiting bloggers who had gotten good news before I got mine- I didn't realize then how much IF really does follow you.

Linda

I started off moving people rather quickly when they became pregnant, but if I recall correctly, one person's pregnancy didn't progress and I didn't realize it (I was slacking in my reading) but I hadn't moved them back.

Once I realized my gaff, I started to think that if they had visited my page that it might cause them heartache to see where "they had been"...so I quickly moved them back and right then determined that I would then on wait to move women until they seemed at a stable point.

I've been stuck in LA with scanty internet access...finally checking in and I am so glad to read that your beta is climbing!!! :-)

Jennie

After being whacked 3 times in one week with having to move people I adore from the lucky double lines section back to the single pink line section, I now don't move anyone until they have their scan and see heartbeats.

We're all grownups and I'd hope that anyone randomly clicking a link doesnt get hurt when they read someone else has made it to where we ALL so desperately want to be. otherwise we'd have waiting sections, 2ww sections, beta sections, loss sections, trying for number 2 3 or 20 sections etc etc etc. it gets too hard, and honestly even today when my cycle crashed with a thud I smiled and felt happy that another one of "us" has made it off this splintery bench.

Write as you always do, we will all read lurk or stay away as our own moments in time require us too. don't forget this is your blog and we're your friends not just names on a screen.

Alli

Great post - so happy for you about your beta results.

MoMo

I know it must feel weird to be where you are right now after everthing you've been thru. Don't worry about everyone else,we know that all the women who overcome this IF stuff still think of us who are struggling. It gives me hope everytime I hear a success story-maybe someday I will be on the other side too! Hugs!

chee chee

I will keep stopping by, cheering you on . . . hoping someday I too will be straddling the pregnant after IF fence. Take it easy.

thisgirl

Oh how I understand this! I seldom post on my blog anymore, mostly as an attempt to be sensitive. But truth be known, NO ONE visits my blog anymmore anyway, well, hardly anyone. And there's a part of me that truly understands this, I quit a few blogs that got pregnant before me. Although I was and always am truly happy for anyone that gets pregnant, I had to spare myself the pain of reading about it. So even though it hurts me that some of the bloggers I thought were loyal to me have jumped ship, I understand why.
Anyway, congratulations on the pregnancy.

soralis

I understand where you are coming from. I wish you all the best and I hope you find some peace with everything. It is a hard jump to go from infertility to being PG.

Take care and all the best

Pamplemousse

Uh, I have emailed you. Spotting begone!!!!

mm

Even at 21 wks I'm still as confused about where I belong as I was when I first got that positive HPT. The physical evidence (my rapidly expanding body) might be mounting but mentally I am still and always will be infertile. I find it really hard to read blogs that discuss the intimate details of pregnancy. And forget about discussing names or buying furniture or even feeling comfortable being lumped in w. other pg women. I just can't go there. Not trying to freak you out... just trying to say that that weird confused thing you've got going on is totally normal. Well, if you call being like MOI normal!

pixi

Well, I'm guessing you're in a place where you'll still need a lot of support. 'cause as far as the fertility journey goes, you've passed an important milepost, but you've still got a good ways to go. The next stretch of road can be exciting, but it's also damn terrifying.

I'm sure that there are LOTS of people out here (including those who are still trying) who wish you well and want to hear how things are going for you.

Demeter

Thalia,
I couldn't have said it better than you. I am so very happy for you and wish that you stay pregnant for a very long time (well, only 9 months). This post really touched me, as I realized that for some people who used to comment on my blog stopped visiting once I got pregnant. I don't blame them. But I also felt somewhat saddened that I had to be infertile to belong to that group of people to feel the support. But on the other hand, it is so painful to see women who succeed getting pregnant while for some it is so hard. That doesn't however make you feel better, you are still fragile. Very fragile. A an ex-infertile-pregnant woman is as fragile as it can get, and it doesn't make your pregnancy any easier. You will not feel comfortable until the first trimester is over. I understand those who left, and the new group I belong to now, although different, because I panic more and I freak about things that other "normal" women don't consider. It is part of it, but it is what you really really dreamed of, so please, don't waste any more time in guilt land. Please enjoy your pregnancy because this time never comes back. Enjoy every second of it. Celebrate it and let whoever wants to join you, celebrate with you too. Those who don't, are understandably still very hurt.

Sassy

Let us know when you're ready to move, until then you're still in my 'Looking for Babes' section. Take care.

Jenny

I was moving people today and wondered if you would be ready. I am glad I came and read this post, maybe in a few weeks when your confidence is up.

Ornery

Thank you for writing this. I find that you are oftentimes able to verbalize much more eloquently and coherently everything that I am feeling. Since getting pregnant, I've felt the same way as you and many others have, but have been reluctant to write about it in my blog, for fear it would come out sounding too martyr-ish, or unappreciative, or presumptuous. But what you wrote was just perfect.

I'm so glad to hear that the spotting has ended. Bad television is the perfect remedy for aches and pains, so I hope you had plenty of opportunities to experience your drug of choice.

Lisa

I like to hear good news from people who've been through what I have. I am genuinely happy that they made it to the other side, and enjoy hearing about the milestones through their pregnancy. I get a little sad that it's not my turn yet, but seeing others successfully become pregnant gives me so much hope and helps get me through the tough times.

Lisa P.

Thalia,

I just happened to stop in today while creating a bloglines subscription - I think you know I'm not blogging as much as I used to due to work and anxiety, but I'm glad I popped over here and saw your good news. (Also glad for the comments you've left for me that I haven't reciprocated - sorry to have been a bad blogger.)

As for categorizing... well, I never did it before but am doing so in my bloglines account. I don't know that I'll attach it to my web page (i.e., make it public for all to see) but may just keep it for my own use. But regardless, your news will not keep me away; if anything will, it's that my time is not my own right now. But it will be soon enough, I suppose, and I will be happy to stop back and see more good news when I can.

All the best,
Lisa P.

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