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Friday, 19 May 2006

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waiting line

you poor thing, I can just picture you running to the bathroom every time you feel something! I would do the same thing.

hang in there (that's for you and your embies).!

stephanie

Thalia-I have often wondered if it might be a good idea to sedate women until the 14th week? i personally would prefer that to the complete anxiety attacks i have every other day.

Please know that what you are feeling is normal. that you will obsessivly check your TP everytime you go to the bathroom. that you will hate pregnancy nausea but worry when it is not too bad some days. that you will cramp and might spot, and it can all be very normal.

but also know that you are pregnant and that is a very good thing.

LEB

I'm all for being put into a coma until there's an alive baby ready to come out.

Hang in there, don't beat yourself up for being scared, enjoy the moments you aren't. The mental & emotional process of pregnancy after IF or loss is exhausting, add in the physical stuff & I'm amazed we're not all in the nut house.

There are so many of us willing this to be okay & there is no reason it won't be.

persephone

Er, 14 weeks?? 35 weeks here, still worrying. They're not kidding when they say pregnancy after IF is a mindf*ck.

You don't have to fight yourself for the moments of joy, though. They will come of their own accord, right in between the fears, more and more as time goes on.

Wishing you a very safe and happy ride.

Krista

Oh Thalia - how I wish we didn't have to go through this torment at such a joyous occasion. However, we are what we are so don't be too hard on yourself. And think of how much more you will appreciate a baby when it comes.

Lut C.

Superstition indeed. I consider myself a pragmatist, but now I have been giving thought to things like karma. And have been finding new derivatives of Murphy's law here and there.

Mellie brought me back with my feet on the ground: "in the infertile universe (Murpy's law) doesn't hold any water - we all know there's no logic involved here - not even backwards logic." I'm trying to hold on to that.

Happy is good, I hope optimism comes back gradually. Take care

julie B

I'm 26 weeks and still racing to the loo at the smallest sign of dampness - it seems that once you've had a scary bleed or 3, relaxing and enjoying it just disappears from the equation [it drives my husband nuts]. Remember that bleeding, unless it's bright bright red [believe me, you can spend a long time analysing scarlet bright red and bright bright red], isn't so bad.

Avonlea

First of all - hugs - virtual hugs will have to do.

Breathe.

Why be so prepared for despair and not for joy? I see joy for you, a joy you will never take for granted.

Nicole

Keep in mind that when you have been bleeding that there is probably a clot or something normal which was that clump of stuff. (sorry to go boge but I didn't think you would mind) That actually sounds like a good sign, a sign that the bleeding has stopped for now. That is an improvement.

Pee on as many sticks as you like to feel confident. I know joy might be beyond you right now and until you are holding a healthy Buffy in your arms, but you can feel confidence.

I am so happy for you right now, you and I cycled together for several of the last ones and I felt close to you because of the timing. You were feeling all the things I was feeling and now you are successful.

I wish I could give you a great big hug.

elle

Can *totally* sympathize, Thalia. All those evil thoughts are unleashed once you get the positives back. I had a major freak out every other day in Sept, then occasionally through January. Thank goodness the last trimester has been worry free. But, for you, I understand. And I have to say, that being pregnant is a gift. Enjoy it as much as you can. Chances are much higher that you would be hit by a car than that you will lose the baby. And you don't go around worrying about that, right? Odds are IN YOUR FAVOR that all this will produce a baby! Happy 35 more weeks!!!

Mellie

Oh Thalia, of course you're feeling that way! All I hope is that H gets to keep laughing at you. (And that I get to have all these fears along with you starting next week).

MoMo

Thalia, it is normal to feel this way, but try to enjoy this moment. It is very special and we are all hoping that we will get there someday! Thinking of you!

amanda

It is par for the course, but it doesn't make it suck any less. One day at a time, one step at a time. That's all we can do. I so wish it was easier for you, though. IF takes too much away from us.

Flicka

Everything you are describing sounds normal to me. If you can, try not to stress yourself out about stressing out. Just feel what you need to, moment to moment. Acknowlege it and then let it go.

Lordy, that sounds ass-vicey. Sorry. What I mean is, eat chocolate.

Carla Hinkle

Sympathize so much ... I haven't gone through IF but still, with my daughter I analyzed the TP at every trip to the bathroom until oh, about 40 weeks. Maybe too much blog reading or consulting Dr. Google, I don't know -- but the anxiety you are feeling is totally normal.

Actually, I am totally the slave of superstition/fate at the moment, b/c I think I must be very close to exactly as pregnant as you (5 weeks Saturday). I keep thinking, "if Thalia is OK, then I will be too..." In addition to obsessively checking TP and analyzing every cramp, pinch, twinge, sore boob (or lack thereof).

(In fact I was very close to not even commenting at all b/c it seemed like it was tempting some kind of fate, I don't know what ...)

Here's to doing the best we can!

Donnie

We are women who know too much.

So remember that for every blogger who has suffered tragedy, there are women who carry to term with healthy babies. And many of those who suffer m/c, etc, wind up carrying to term eventually as well.

Breathe deep and know that though we in the IF world are loaded down with a lot of sad experience, you have every chance for a happy outcome here.

Hugs,
-D.

Ornery

Absolutely everything you write resonates so much with me. All I can say is that right now, at this very moment, you are very much pregnant, so try to savor in that knowledge. Clearly, this is much easier said than done, and I will admit that my life these days seem to revolve around the next ultrasound. But until modern medicine can come up with a drug-free, healthy method of inducing a first trimester coma, I guess we just have to cope with our fears and anxiety the best we can.

hopefulmother

Thalia, I'm thinking of you! I hope you are able to enjoy this -- little by little, I think you will get there. You are so strong, girl!

Wavery

Yup.

just another jenny

I think you can buy pee sticks in bulk off ebay, that might save some money (I am half teasing). The spotting would be very stressful, I hope it goes and stays away - if for no reason other than to allow you to enjoy this.

StellaNova

Just, for the moment, try to remember that you are pregnant RIGHT NOW. I know it's completely impossible not to think of the 'what ifs', but try to enjoy what it is that is happening to you for the first time in your life. Feel happy and hopeful that your body actually knows what to do (I am sure you have had your doubts that it could even get this far). I know I didn't enjoy mine enough for the short time that I had it (not that I see your future mirroring mine - my point in that is just to enjoy). The future is hard to see ... but I wish you less anxiety and more surety with each passing day.

Jennie

when you've waited as long and tried as hard as you have to get those double lines, it's natural to second guess and worry.

enjoy what you can and know there are so many of us out there hoping praying and wishing for you that this pg continues for another 30odd weeks.

Maya

If the "String Theory" is correct and everything starts out with little "strings" of energy (I just finished coffee with a science teacher friend of mine and that was the topic of our discussion - sorry). Then we are sending you lots of positive "string" energy and praying that you are one that is so successful that all of the rest of us can have hope to.

AnnMarie@come undone

Oh Thalia, you've got that doubling beta which is so wonderful. I do understand your fears and after losing a heartbeat at 11 weeks, I am sooo afraid to get overly enthusiastic about a pregnancy, mine or anyone's. I truly want this to be a safe, uneventful and wonderful pregnancy for you. I just try to remember that a woman who conceives naturally will enjoy her pregnancy because she enters it with such a blissful ignorance. A woman knee-deep in cycles simple knows too much. I'm thinking of you!

Cali

holy crap! I just got back from a week away from the blogs & am THRILLED at your news. Thrilled!!!
Of course you are on watch for shoes to drop - I think all of us dealing with fertility $hit are in a forever state of worry- but honey, I am so happy: you are, right now, preggo.

fisher queen

I know just how you feel! My experience has been back and forth between joy and terror. It hasn't been easy. The joy though- it's good.

newbie

i'm so proud of you. i'm new to all this, and in my 1st iui+clomid 2WW. reading your thoughts helps me be strong, and helped me get my ass to an re, to be honest. i just wanted you to remember that bravery cannot rise in the absense of fear, and joy is never more keenly felt than by those who know pain. keep up the POAS if it brings you closer to the heartfelt happiness you so richly deserve. you did it. mom. *hug*

Leggy

I can't remember if you are taking any suppositories in addition to PIO, but if you are, they really irritated (physically, in addition to emotionally) my insides. I had brown discharge like you describe in all 3 pregnancies (including my son), but only red blood with this last m/c.

As for the emotional stuff- I think we want desparately to believe that if we just do XYZ (bedrest, no soft cheese, no exercise, etc.) then it will work, or that if we didn't do XYZ, its why it didn't work. But the truth is, it either will, or won't work. You've made it through some key hurdles (retrieval, transfer, positive beta, doubling beta) but you still have a way to go before you get the takehome prize (good u/s, heartbeat, embryo turned to fetus, etc.) Short of keeping up your meds and not running a marathon, there is very little you can do to control the outcome.
I don't mean this as a downer, but rather as a reality check. I really hope it works for you, but I also hope you can find a way to get through this process (whatever it brings) with your sanity intact.

Hugs... I'm giving out a lot of assvice today and even though I know its true, I struggle with so many of the same issues re: stressing & freaking.

heleen

I check your blog everyday, just because it is so nice to know that you are pregnant! So please stay that way and write about it every day! Leggy writes 'there is very little you can do to control the outcome'. Sure, but do try to avoid stress, take your rest, don't drink coffee and you could also go back to acupuncture, just to optimise the whole process. Still, you and the babe are doing great the beta shows. Embryos really really want to implant and grow and there are no good reasons why they would all of a sudden stop doing that. It is weird, we 'women that know to much', we have such long pregnancies. We know from day 13 that we're pregnant, and then it's still a long way to go!

Rebecca

I think your feelings are totally, completely normal. I bet there are very few, if any, women who have gone through infertility and then gone on to experience pregnancy with the naive presumption most fertiles have that "everything will be just fine and of course a baby will pop out in 8 months."

It sounds like you're making the best attempt you can to enjoy this pregnancy on a day to day, live in the moment basis. It's natural to have worries and fears - just do your best to take deep breaths and try to minimize your anxiety as best you can. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Kath

Dear Thalia, I so understand everything you're feeling.

I hope the joy wins out.

daysgoby

T -

Giant soft hugs to you.

Brenda

I really have no advice to offer on dealing with the anxiety that you are experiencing right now. Its hard and its near impossible to squelch completely. Hang in there...

KIMMER

T-
Just praying that all works out and the stupid spotting stays away, thinking of you. I know what you are experiencing. It's super frustrating. Take care and hang in there.

kristi

Your fear is 100% normal. My husband and I would barely talk about the baby until after the first trimester, as if talking about it would cause me to bleed, or jinx things somehow. No matter what people say, that IF-ers who become pregnant are just like every other pregnant woman once they get the positive test result, in our minds and hearts we are not. We have fears those lucky women can't even conceive (excuse the pun) of. Stay strong, and try to take comfort in the fact that you ARE pregnant. We are all cheering you on, every step of the way.

Ann

Thalia,
Breath ... I am living this too. Everytime I pass an ultrasound or other milestone, I think of another case where something went wrong further into her pg. Neverending paranoia. It doesn't help that we had a big discussion with my RE who said that he can't guarantee anything until we have a live baby (thanks for the words of reassurance!). BUT, the odds are in your favour - good doubling betas and with each milestone, the odds are going to get better. Twenty five percent of women bleed in early pregnancy, as long as you don't have intense cramps, you are ok. Not really words of wisdom, huh? Take care.

pixi

Yeah, no one in this group does pregnancy the easy way -- certainly not the emotional part of it. I hope you get some bits of reassurance in the coming days. And more moments of happiness.

Hoping very very much that this goes your way.

Liz

Thalia, I can relate to all that you are feeling. It's so hard to be happy and not worry. Each time I go to the bathroom I'm afraid of what I will see. I know how hard all of this is all we can do is be cautious and hold on to what little hope we have.

sube

I haven't experienced pregnancy after IF yet, but I imagine it must feel exactly like you describe: the constant swinging between joy and dread. I hope with time you'll be swinging between joy and bliss.

Lori

I understand how you're feeling. It's hard to deal with it all. But those moments of happiness are something, huh?

Sunnie

I don't think it's ridiculous at all. I think you have every right to be cautious. BUt let's dance a little bit? :) Can I do it for you then? :)

beagle

To quote Shakespeare:
"Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!"

katie

I actually enjoyed the first pregnancy a bit, and was of course quite hopeful (by 10 weeks, I thought I was OK), but I'm not sure I'll enjoy any others.

Hi Thalia,
I just found your blog doing a "freaked out about PIO shots" search on google. My transfer was the day before yours, so we are almost at exactly the same stage. I really feel for you! Waiting for the wretched ultrasound at 6.5 weeks is worse than waiting for the transfer or the beta. I had a panic attack this morning that everything was lost, even though I had no rational reason for it. I keep thinking I am doing the darned shots wrong. My clinic's advice on bleeding is bedrest for 24 hours after the bleeding *stops* and push lots of water. Brown blood is a good sign - it is old, therefore stopped bleeding. Best of luck. When is your ultrasound? Mine is 5/31.
-JA

Kinneret

I have been totally MIA for this but CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Wonderful news!!
*hugs*. Here's hoping everything continues to go well :)

Anna

Don't feel too bad about worrying. I wish I had been able to enjoy my pregnancy more and worried less, but I just couldn't, becuase yes - something can always go wrong. Ben is 7 weeks old today and you know what? I still worry. It never goes away, and I realize that now. I am so happy for you, and I'm hoping and praying that the blood is just implantation gunk and nothing more. Take care of yourself and take it easy. And congratulations on being pregnant! : )

Tonya

As someone who has nearly made to 30 weeks, I wish I could say that I don't worry anymore. In my case, it would be a bald-faced lie. It is a long road, and thankfully some days are better than others. Hope you are hanging in there as best you can.

PBfish

I completely understand your worry. I imagine that one of the things we have in common is that in all the time we spent waiting to get pregnant we read too much about the process and other people's experiences. Ultimately we are all WAY too well-informed about the potential disasters that await. I too read Liana's words about enjoying the pregnancy, sure wish I could follow them. I'm crossing my fingers for you and this pregnancy.

Allie

Thalia, your post brought me to tears. As if we infertiles have not paid enough of a price, we are yet again tortured after we become pregnant! I don't think the worry or fear ever goes away. I don't know that I will every be able to enjoy being pregnant if and when it happens. Sometimes, that hurts worse than being infertile.

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