Wow. What a lovely response over the last few days. You are all amazing, thank you so much, particularly to those of you who are in your own personal hell right now. You are all very gracious to be so kind to me.
I'm doing ok. Last night it looked as if the bleeding had stopped, so I rejoiced just a little. Then I had an unbelievably restless night - one of my worst since I was a teenage insomniac. I think it was a combination of stress, excitement, and physical discomfort. I had a good two hours sleep until about 12:30, then woke up and tossed and turned til about 01:10, then moved to our guest bedroom, read for a little then tossed and turned some more til 02:30, then I got up and went to watch television, which is usually a soporific for me if I am tired. After about 5 minutes of television I realised I really didn't want to watch anything, turned it off, closed my eyes, and woke up again at 06:30. So I didn't do too badly on total sleep, it's just that it was all a bit fragmented. I tried counting sheep, I tried my other counting technique which I used to use as a teenager to try and send myself to sleep, I tried meditating, nothing worked. I'd start imagining names for a baby, then I'd freak out at the hubris of it all, then I'd get tense because I had sharpish pain in my left side and I was worrying about an ectopic, then I'd feel damp between my legs and freak out that I was bleeding again...you get the picture.
This morning there was a little more blood first thing when I wiped, but it was brown and there wasn't much. Since then, nothing. I'm terrified to write that in case it's tempting the gremlins, but I've been truthful before on here so I might as well continue. The gremlins can't get all of us, all of the time. I'm having lots of abdominal aches and pains, but nothing so bad I'd want to take painkillers, yet. I've sort of decided to go for the next beta tomorrow, even though part of me doesn't want to know if it's bad, and because I know if we were losing one the numbers might not double. I've done the maths and either it/they implanted REALLY early (like day 5 or something) or the hcg was more than doubling every 48 hours (one of the many sets of sums I did in my head last night when I wasn't sleeping). So that seems good.
I feel very incoherent, I'm sorry. I am both excited and terrified. Aware of everything that can go wrong and excited about what the world might look like if it goes right. All those comments about early bleeding yesterday really helped me, as did a conversation with a real life friend-of-a-friend yesterday who told me she had bleeding throughout her IVF pregnancy, and of course it freaked her out every time, but that everything was great in the end. I do remember the article that mm mentioned in the comments yesterday. I thought it was from "A beautiful day" but I can't find it now. Anyway, I know that a bit of bleeding is relatively normal, but I also know that any bleeding is not a good sign. As Julie said once, it might not be a bad sign, but it's not a good sign either. So I remain, cautious but quite happy in between my freakouts. Thank you again.